In the days before pre-school was popular, I learned my lessons on my mother’s linoleum kitchen floor from the coffee clutch. It was there a gathering of neighboring women and sisters would get together after the children went to school, the husbands went to work, and the morning housework was done.1
I was the unexpected child that came to my parents late in life. While all the other siblings and the other children were off to school I occupied myself, since I had no playmates until after three in the afternoon. To keep me busy while they conversed, my mother would sit me down with my Betsy Wetsy, a Tiny Tears dolls and a dishpan so I wouldn’t get the floor wet with my messy dolls and there, I would play quietly and listen while they chatted about everything. However on this particular late morning, their conversation made an impression on me.2
They were talking about Aunt Tillie. Aunt Tillie was my matron aunt who was never at the coffee clutch because she was working. They were saying that if Aunt Tillie didn’t marry soon she would have fruit flies on her cherry. Everyone laughed and continued to make fruit fly jokes. I didn’t understand why they were laughing. In my book there is nothing funny about nasty little fruit flies. I did a lot of hard thinking that morning about my marriage. After my nap that afternoon I announced to my mother that I would marry my cousin Jerry. He was in the first grade and seemed a suitable match to me. My mother crushed my hopes immediately. “You can’t marry Jerry he’s your cousin.”3
This was quite a dilemma to me since I had very limited prospects because I wasn’t allowed to leave the chain linked fence that surrounded the yard, or didn’t go to school and my social life revolved around my relatives. Though by that afternoon the obvious solution came to me.4
I did have one special friend. Each afternoon I would wait inside the fence to watch the big kids get off the school bus. All of them would ignore me except for Charlie, who was eleven or twelve years old. He was taller than most of the other boys, quiet, and usually walked alone. Our relationship was the giving kind. One day he handed me a pretty rock through the fence and the next day, I colored him a picture on both sides of the paper, and gave it to him. After that we always exchanged something every afternoon. He gave me bottle caps, interesting rocks and wild flowers,but in return, I had given him pictures, sculptures made of play dough, and small toys that would fit through the fence.5
I saved my news until we had dinner that evening, since I wanted everyone to be present. 6
“I’m going to marry Charlie.”7
“Charlie who?” My dad asked.8
My older brother Robert who was sixteen answered. “She means Charlie the river boy. The one who lives in that shack down by the Passiac river with his father.”9
“Why do you want to get married pumpkin?”10
“Because I don’t want fruit flies on my cherries like Aunt Tillie. Without a husband I’ll have rotten fruit daddy.”11
My father choked a little on the mouthful of pot roast he was chewing. “Where did you hear that?”12
“Mommy said it to Aunt Linda. Right mommy?”13
My father glared at my mother. For the next couple of days all I could talk about was when I married Charlie we would do this or that, until my brother tried to burst my bubble.14
“I bet Charlie doesn’t even want to marry you.”15
I stopped dead in my tracks. That thought had never occurred to me. I spent that weekend making a special gift for Charlie to give him before I popped the question. I made a daisy chain for him to wear around his neck and glued a misshapen pink heart made out of construction paper to it. It seemed like Monday afternoon would never come. I wore the chain carefully around my neck so it wouldn’t get messed up. Finally the moment arrived, I carefully handed my daisy chain through the fence and Charlie gave me a pencil with no eraser. I blurted out the question as soon as our transactions were over.16
“Charlie will you marry me?”17
He was already walking away when I asked, but turned around and said, “Sure kid”.18
I was thrilled. I galloped into the house letting everyone know the deal was sealed. I put my hands on my hips and told my brother “I told you so.”19
I went on and on about the wedding arrangements. I needed a dress like Cinderellas, when could I go shoe shopping and should I put fresh fruit on every table? My mother couldn’t take it anymore. “If you want to marry Charlie the river boy so bad I’m going to take you and show you where you’re going to live with him.”20
I hopped in the car gladly. Finally I thought, my mother is getting on board with the plan. When we pulled up I saw a small house with a porch. From the car window I could see two dogs on the porch, some chairs, a freezer and laundry hanging on the rails. My first thought was how great it would be not to have to go inside for Popsicles. As I looked around Charlie’s yard I saw wooden crates stacked together with mysterious things poking out, a few cats meandering about and a couple of cars that needed to be put together. It was paradise.21
My mother asked, “Now, do you see what kind of house you’ll be living in?”22
“Can I move in there before I get married?” She threw her hands up in the air exasperated.23
"I don't know who's child you are!"24
I shrugged my shoulders. If she didn't know I certainly couldn't help her with the answer to that one.25
That summer we moved away. I remember crying all the way to the new house. In the fall kindergarten started and prospects of finding someone to marry increased and continued to do so until I married at the ripe old age of eighteen. 26
Today I sit here typing with my two dogs at my feet and the cats staring at me from the shelves that holds my various collection of dolls, stuffed animals, Fisher Price toys, marbles, And other assorted items - things I’ve crafted and board games. Sometimes I wonder deep down if I was really meant to be Mrs. Charlie The River Boy, all along.27
Author notes
Orange juice is nature's sunshine,
In a list
A contest entry
- Anecdotes! by Oh Spoons.
100 points, ended December 28, 2007, 6 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - xxx Lovey Dubbey xxx by ilove2write.
185 points, ended February 28, 19 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - A Love that Can't be Forgotten by tabbykat92.
350 points, ended March 11, 19 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Kiss by beezy92.
500 points, ended March 30, 17 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Almost Anything Goes! by toolenduso.
450 points, ended July 13, 46 entries
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600 points, ended June 16, 38 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - getting older by Amb0r.
250 points, ended September 8, 11 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think [Reward: double points]
Comments
1 - 32 of 32
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Aww, what a sweet story! I laughed out loud at the part where your mother says she doesn't know whose child you are, and you shrug because you couldn't help her with that part. So true of younger minds!
I found myself distracted by several run-on sentences and places where commas could be of help in regulating the story flow. Paragraph 4 especially; the first run-on sentence left me a bit breathless.
. Rewarded 8
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I love this, its so well writen. A very cute story that seems as though it was writen by a small child. I simply loved it laughed at parts and stared shocked at others. Simply Wonderful.
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It was a very cute and bright story! Made me laugh and smile through the whole thing. You did an exceptional job! Keep writing!
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Lmao, a very cute story! Liked this a lot!
The child's voice is beautifully done.
--HT
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I really loved this story, really different then what i have read b4.
Everything was in place wonderfully
. Rewarded 4
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How come you waited till you were 18?
Loved this story, there's a genuine feel about it. Looking back, I suspect we all heard and misunderstood adult code as children - with the consequent embarrassment to said adults, and seve 'em right. But did we learn.......?
The structure was very stable, nice and balanced, and the way you told about the setbacks for marriage partners was very nicely judged. As I say, it all felt very natural and biographical. Will be nosing throiugh more of your output as time allows.. Rewarded 8
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Thanks for entering. This was a great feel good story that makes a person think. Loved it.
Best of luck in the contest.. Rewarded 4
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Wow, that was a great piece. I always love little anecdotes about childhood silliness. You did a really good shaping that whole mentality of a little kid and her quest to get married, especially with the reason she wanted to get married--I lol'd at that.
It felt like the ending was a bit rushed. I mean, I guess I get how this wasn't exactly an epic about a war, but it felt like it could have used some more.
Thanks for entering!
Style: 10/10
Flow: 8/10
Uniqueness: 4/5
Readability: 7/7
Effect: 5/10
Lack of Errors: 3/3
Personal Score: 3/5
Total: 40/50. Rewarded 8
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I enjoyed reading this story. It sounds as though it might be true. I would have liked it even more if it had more of a point to it, like a particular insight gained or lesson learned by the narrator. I'm really glad that she did not learn the lesson that her mom tried to teach her when she took her to see Charlie's house!
. Rewarded 6
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This was hillarious, your mother sounds like mine and you sound like me.
It was truelly captivating I enjoyed it all along.
Especially when your brother said he bet charlie didn't even want to marry you.
And your father choking on his dinner.
Oh may be your mother didn't here "Cousins and Cousins make dozens"
. Rewarded 6
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Wow. Amazing write. So innocent and funny and sweet.
Well done, mate.
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"They were saying that if Aunt Tillie didn’t marry soon she would have fruit flies on her cherry."
I loved this!! Unless I get another entry that blows me out of the water this is probably going to get gold. (= I just wish she really had become Mrs. Charlie the River Boy. Or seen him again. But that's not realistic. It was a great write, I sincerely enjoyed reading it. I loved the characters they were all fully developed and believable, like someone I'd met. Were they real?
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I like it. It felt like you started out with a sense of purpose, and you kept focused pretty well throughout. This is humorous and a bit touching. That said, I think you moved on too quickly in the last two paragraphs. I can't quite understand the significance of what you say in the final sentence because you haven't quite related enough about the character's feelings for Charlie the River Boy. I think this has to do with the time that passes between paragraph 25, when they are at Charlie's house, and paragraph 26, when they are moving away. Perhaps if you just gave us one paragraph concerning the intervening time, when the character's dreams of marriage were still alive, and maybe describe how she imagines the marriage being, her imagined routine. I think that might give the ending the significance that it is currently lacking for me.
I made some grammatical suggestions:
pp2. "a Tiny Tears dolls" typo. "with my messy dolls, and there I would play" - using a comma to separate the adverb "there" from the verb (play) that affects it is distracting
pp4. ", or didn’t go to school and my" - ",nor did I go to school, and my..."
pp20. "Cinderellas" - Cinderella's
pp24. "who's" whose
Thanks for the amusing read.
Mik
. Rewarded 8
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Lovely
Really nice start to the day for me to read such an innocent and sweet story (apart from the 'Fruit Flys on the Cherry' of course). Lovely. Thanks
. Rewarded 4
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This has come innocence and that is something most adults lack...but then again how could they not. I think this was nicely written and it will touch a lot of people. Its a very cute story and it was easy to understand.
. Rewarded 4
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Ah the naivity and innocence of childhood! As children we see beyond all the things that blind us as adults, and you captured this nicely in this reminscent story. Only children can gives gives gifts of little value and yeat still capture each other's hearts. I did enjoy the character's simple understanding of the adult world as well as her interpretation of the 'fruit flies and the cherry'. I'm sure many of us remember overhearing things as kids and repeating them later, only to find they are rude, cruel or otherwise inappropriate.
. Rewarded 8
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What an adorable short story! I laughed all the way through it and thought how genuinely innocent and sweet the children are in this. The ending is superb, too. We aren't too jaded to listen to our hearts when we are young.... Outta the mouths of babes!
I so enjoyed reading this!
. Rewarded 6
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aw, adorable
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This story was so sweet. I can remember when I was younger and had a crush on an older boy. Well, good luck in the contest.
. Rewarded 4
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It was very cute.
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aww
As was said previous, the innocence of this story is heart touching. I think the ending is a little too bitter to tie in with the innocence and joy of your main, but other than that you tell a wonderful story.
Good luck! -
aww
As was said previous, the innocence of this story is heart touching. I think the ending is a little too bitter to tie in with the innocence and joy of your main, but other than that you tell a wonderful story.
Good luck!. Rewarded 4
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Top notch.
Lino flooring... thats the ticket.
All the best.
jsdk -
Awwww...that was so cute!
Your imagery was very realistic and I absolutely love the innocence of your character. She doesn't know or care that Charlie lives in a bad house. Wow.
Your tone was also well done. There were some spots where you lost the innocence, but you certainly used such an innocent voice that it was totally believable.
Very nice story!
. Rewarded 6
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This is probably one of the most true to life characters I've ever read. I can relate my childhood self to her quite a lot.
You told not only and innocent character, but you did it with an innocent tone that fit the story perfectly. It was kind of nostalgic for me, remembering when I was determined to get married to a boy in preschool.
All in all, lovely story. Keep writing!. Rewarded 8
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This little girl is one of the sweetest character I have ever encountered. She sounds so cute and innocent; and when she says "Charlie, I want to marry you", it made me just melt inside and think "Aww, bless this child". She is so adorable!!! I love her to bits- even tough she's not real!
. Rewarded 6
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I really liked this story, especially the naughty little ongoing joke ;) I felt really sad for poor Charlie 'cause he lives in such a "bad" house, but the main character wanted to marry him anyway (despite the fact she was so young XD). She was very well developed, good job with that. I didn't see any errors, and if there were any I missed, they were clearly not big enough for me to notice ^-^
Good job all-around! :)
. Rewarded 8
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Minor Fix/ Commentary
After reading this very good, but somewhat unusal funny story, I immediately picked up on a few grammar-ish errors in paragraphs one, two, four, five, and twenty-seven which can be easily fixed.
Paragraph1: In the days before pre-school was popular, I learned my lessons on my mother’s linoleum kitchen floor from the coffee clutch. It was there a gathering of the neighborhood women and sisters that would get together after the children went to school, the husbands went to work, and the morning housework was done.
Paragraph 2: I was the unexpected child that came to my parents late in life while all the other siblings were off to school; I had no playmates until after three in the afternoon. To keep me busy why they conversed, my mother would sit me down on my Betsy Wetsy, Tiny Tears dolls, and a dishpan so I wouldn’t get the floor wet with my messy dolls and there, I would play quietly and listen as they chatted about everything. However on this particular late morning, their conversations made an impression on me.
Paragraph 4:This was quite a dilemma to me since I had very l had very limited prospects because I wasn’t allowed to leave the chain linked fence that surrounded the yard, or didn’t go to school on the fact that my social life revolved around my relatives but by that afternoon, the obvious solution came to me.
Paragraph 5: I did have one special friend. Each afternoon I would wait inside the fence to watch the big kids get off the school bus. All of them would ignore me except for Charlie, who was eleven or twelve years old. He was taller than most of the other boys, quiet, and usually walked alone. Our relationship was the giving kind. One day he handed me a pretty rock through the fence and the next day, I colored him a picture on both sides of the paper, and gave it to him. After that we always exchanged something every afternoon. He gave me bottle caps, interesting rocks and wild flowers but in return, I had given him pictures, sculptures made of play dough, and small toys that would fit through the fence.
Paragraph 27: Today I sit here typing with my two dogs at my feet and the cats staring from the shelves that holds my various collection of dolls, stuffed animals, Fisher Price toys, marbles, and other assorted items—things I’ve crafted and board games. Sometimes I wonder deep down if I was really meant to be Mrs. Charlie, the River Boy, all along.
But all in all, I loved how this was kept in first person point of view and the imagery was realistic. Keep penning
B Chandler,
Greeter
. Rewarded 8
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In my book there is nothing funny about nasty little fruit flies. I did a lot of hard thinking that morning about my marriage.
This is the only part that doesn't seem to fit. It lost me.
The rest of your story is refreshing. I enjoyed it very much.
. Rewarded 6
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very good, funny, I like it. Keep writing!
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wry, funny, warm. Beautiful illustration of the way children take everything so very literally, and don't understand when their new and thought-out solutions are not welcomed. You brought me too suddenly back to the present, I was happy to drift along in the Huckleberry age !
. Rewarded 6
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Now this is an absolutely delightful story. Men, just like women, gather in groups and talk about those not present as well as the opposite sex. This was well drawn, giving a picture of a child on the floor, her presence ignored by the adults.
A few places a comma might help, but re-reading out loud will tell you.
"was sixteenanswered" Space.
Thanks for something original as well as the smiles. A slice of life held up to glow warm.
Jim. Rewarded 8
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