Chapter 1.1
1945...2
The sweat ran down his brow as he breathed deeply with panic. "Help!" he whispered as loud as he could. It was pitch black as Cazer pulled on the tight rope that surrounded the circumference of his wrists. His legs were also tied with rope. "Don't waste your breath imbecile..". Cazer shifted his eyes frantically trying to place the voice in the pitch black that surrounded him. The echo of the voice disappeared. Cazer had no idea when and how he got there. The only memory he had was a ship breaking in half and falling into a whirlpool. Cazer was a scientist studying the mysteries of the earth. 3
"Hoist the sails!" a man yelled as Cazing walked past reading a book. "Cazing can you give us a hand!" a woman yelled pulling on a rope. "Later..Lily" Cazing ignored the demands and went straight under the ship and sat himself down on a table covered in, books, maps & a small candle light. 4
His book read...5
The Bermuda Triangle, also known as the Devil's Triangle, is a region of the Atlantic Ocean in which a number of aircraft and surface vessels have disappeared in what are said to be circumstances that fall beyond the boundaries of6
The candle-lit light smashed onto the floor as the ship fell to one side. "What is going on!" Cazer yelled. Lily ran down under the ship and yelled "We're going to crash into a whirlpool in less than 10 minutes!".7
"What!" Cazer yelled jumping from his seat. "It's true.." Lily whispered. "We don't know for sure but for know we need to focus on staying alive!" Cazer replied. "I knew it would be bad luck bringing you aboard!" he continued. "Don't be supersticous!" Lily and Cazer continued to argue as they ran up to the deck. "Oh my god" Cazer's breath was taken away as he saw the whirlpool forming in the ocean. "Come on we have to try and turn around!" Cazer yelled running around panicking as Lily tried to keep up. "Cazer you have no idea how to run a ship let them handle it!" Lily yelled.8
"Well what do you expect me to do!" Cazing yelled. 9
Lily and Cazing went silent as they heard a bellowing from below deck. The deck's wood began to snap. As the whirlpool continued to form, Cazing, Lily and all others on board were grasping onto anything to keep themselves from falling overboard. "God help us!" Lily yelled. The ship began to fall into the ship as Lily and Cazer screamed in terror.10
Chapter 211
The sweat ran down his brow as he breathed deeply with panic. "Help!" he whispered as loud as he could. It was pitch black as Cazer pulled on the tight rope that surrounded the circumference of his wrists. His legs were also tied with rope. "Don't waste your breath imbecile..". Cazer shifted his eyes frantically trying to place the voice in the pitch black that surrounded him. The echo of the voice disappeared.12
Cazer pulled on his arms and legs trying to escape but it was inevitable. "Cazer.." he heard a whisper. "Lily!" Cazer whispered loudly. Lily began to untie Cazer as fast as she could. "How did you get here!?" Cazing asked. "Well luckily they didn't tie me up very tight so I untied myself and found you. "Who's they?" Cazer asked. "I don't know, but they're dangerous."13
Cazer and Lily ran out of what seemed to be a cave distraught and afraid. "Do you smell smoke?" Lily asked breathing deeply and coughing at the same time. "Yes, yes I do" Cazer said. "The ship!" Lily yelled running towards the stench of smoke. "Wait you don't know!" Cazer yelled following Lily. 14
Lily and Cazer arrived at the burning wreckage that was their ship. "My research!" Cazer yelled running towards it. "No don't!" Lily yelled holding Cazer back. "We need it to survive!" Cazer yelled. "It is too late...it's over!" Lily threw her hands in the air and covered her face. "What if there are people in there!" Cazer yelled. "Well that's there loss!" Lily yelled with a frustrated tone. "I can't believe how selfish you are being!" Cazer yelled. "I am not being selfish! I am thinking about our welfare!". "We haven't even been here for over two hours how do you know those people that tied us up are good people and can help us". "Oh yes because ordinary people tie people up and leave them for dead!" Lily said sarcastically. "Well we have to try!" Cazer ran from the wreckage leaving Lily by herself. Lily looked back and forth between the wreckage and Cazer. "Wait..Cazer!" Lily ran after him hoping she would still be able to catch him.15
A contest entry
- Flash Fantasy! by Bitter Irony.
250 points, ended November 24, 2007, 9 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - My Contest, My Rules by EnemyOfAll.
250 points, ended December 9, 2007, 37 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think?
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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This is an interesting story, but I had some trouble keeping track of the plot--was there a flashback somewhere?
At least start a new paragraph with each new speaker in dialog; it's very difficult to follow the conversation otherwise.
I can't point out all the grammar errors, but here's a few from the last paragraph that seemed most common;
"Well[,] that's there[should be "their"] loss!"
"Oh[,] yes[,] because ordinary people tie people up and leave them for dead!" "Said" doesn't work very well with this dialog; "exclaimed" etc. might be better.
Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck!
~Bitter Irony
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Interesting plot
This is a good story, but there are some problems with the way it's put together.
There's nothing between paragraphs 3 and 4 to indicate that this is a flashback, maybe a *** or something.
Are Cazer and Cazing the same person or two people?
There are several grammatical and spelling errors which distract from this read, but they're generally minor.
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Oops, I frogot to add applause.
Here you go
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Hye Lostaholic.
Lol Good to see you trying to post ur stuff on story wirte, and you say that u cant get any reads, look at you! Youve got more than me and matt put together!
I haven't shown that ive been a big fan on the boards bbut i try to keep up with the pace and shall show my support. Remmeber the good days, when i thought this was about Rosseau? Lol.
As for the actual story, I think 10 should be cahnged to ten, and u need to take a new line as you write. Lolve the name cazer, and the way that you have the same openning for both chapters. Just spacing bro, and Ill be commenting on this as you go. THNX! -
So I'm not the only one fascinated by the Bermuda Triangle, huh? lol. This is interesting enough to make anyone wonder what's going to happen next. You start this really well, even though you begin to lose some of the details in chapter 2. I think you'll definitely have fun with this piece.
So, I typically keep a running list of things that occur to me while reading. I've presented it below, in case you're interested. Good luck!
* I think a paragraph break before "Don't waste you breath" could work nicely to help us realize it's a new person speaking.
* I notice you've used both Cazer and Cazing...which one is right? Is it a first or a last name? Is one a nickname and the other a proper name?
* Usually you break for paragraphs every time someone new is talking. So in paragraph 8, for instance, you can break that into a couple of paragraphs for each time Cazer and Lily trade off talking.
* In paragraph 10: "The ship began to fall into the ship" - ? Do you mean into the whirlpool? Or that the ship began to fold in on itself?
* Is there a reason chapter two starts with the same paragraph as chapter one? Just curious.
Overall, it would be helpful for you to review paragraph breaks for new speakers and look at all of you punctuation, some of which is a bit off. This is a good start, though. I'm sure you'll take it somewhere fantastic from here.
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Oops sorry Ninja Cazing Cazer same thing lol, and yes I do have ALOT of grammatical errors, see I'm writing this somewhere else and they're about 8 chapters ahead, and I haven't gotten around to checking the spelling and stuff. but thanks for your comment, you too DarkRainFire.
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The Bermuda triangle has always caught my attention. Love it great write.
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This is a very good peice of deliciousness i like to call writing.The only thing wrong is that there is a huge confusion problem.For example,when in chapter 2 do thay leave the ship or not?where is cazer running to,away from or into the ship? whats happening to the ship? are they still on it?Also one more thing is that you switch his names between "Cazer" and "Cazing" wich added a little more confusion.And as for grammatical errors,you are supposed to make a nwparagraph evere someone new speaks.for example:"Yes, yes I do" Cazer said. "The ship!" Lily yelled running towards the stench of smoke. should be: "Yes,yes i do" cazer said.
"The ship!"lily yelled......
with a little editing and revising,and just a pinch of tinkering,this could grow into areally beutiful story.
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