Chapter One: Into the Water1
Nine-year-old Ella stood on one leg; arms thrust foreword. She brought her other leg out in front of her. By placing one foot in front of the other, she maintained her balance. She repeated this, until she reached the pond in the backyard. In the distance a lawn mower was softly humming and the smell of fresh cut grass drifted on the breeze. Her jean shorts and blue tank top were covered with dirt and grass from a roll down the hill. 2
A lone jay called, while pulling grass up for his nest. Finches and sparrows flitted in the nearby trees. Stopping by the lady ferns, she threw a small flat rock towards the pond. It skipped three times before sinking, leaving rings rippling outward. Her mother and she had planted red roses a couple of years ago near the pond and they were giving off a sweet aroma that mingled with the cut grass that afternoon. 3
Ella noticed Old Gray, the neighbor’s chocolate lab, was barking at the neighborhood tabby cat Mr. Simon, up in a tree. Glancing along the ground beside her, she looked for another stone for skipping in among the mottled gray and black rocks. Out of the corner of her eye she saw movement on the pond. She squinted as she looked up. There was no duck or other bird on the surface and she knew there were no fish under the water. “What was that?” she asked aloud.4
Ella leaned over and saw only her reflection on the calm water. Shrugging her shoulders, she stood up. Suddenly her image on the surface changed. Instead of her mousy brown hair, she saw sunshine blond strands and turquoise eyes where her maple brown ones had been. Startled, her hands slipped off the slimy rocks only to splash into the water. Her arms sunk up to her elbows before she could regain her balance and scramble out.5
A pale face popped out of the water, with blond hair raining down its cheeks, and water dripping off its small nose. Ella stood stunned, mouth hanging open, until she heard Old Gray’s barking. She took a deep breath, screamed and ran into the house yelling for her mother.6
* * *7
“Ella, you can’t stay inside forever.” Her mother’s voice was filled with concern.8
“You wanna bet?” Came Ella’s retort.9
Her mother shook her head. “I had your father go out there. He searched in the pond and around it and found nothing. I’m not sure what you think your saw out there, but I don’t think there’s any reason for you to stay inside.”10
“Any reason? Mom there’s a monster living in our pond!” yelled Ella. She clenched her hands at her sides to keep from throwing them.11
“Ella, calm down.”12
“No!” she shouted.13
“Listen, if you’re that frightened, stay away from the pond.” Gently, her mother rubbed Ella’s arms.14
Sighing, Ella nodded and walked away towards the glass doors. The rain that had started out as a drizzle this morning had turned into a downpour, complete with a whipping wind. She stood watching the branches of the oak sway its leafless arms skyward, only to be distracted by the streams of rainwater running down the glass. The pitter-patter of the rain that fell on the roof relaxed her. She could hear her mother opening and closing the oven door in the next room. Then the smell of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies came floating in.15
With the comfortable sounds and smells of home, Ella sighed and looked past the rain to the pond. Movement off to the side caught her wandering eye. A flash of red, shaped like a small triangle, moved between the shrubs framing the back of the pond. Leaning over the rocks looking into the water was the distorted image of a small child with long green hair. 16
“Green hair?” Ella whispered, stunned. Quick movement behind the child drew Ella’s eyes to wings. 17
“Purple wings?” A large fin, that looked like it belonged to a small whale’s fin, appeared and slipped under the water.18
Ella rubbed here eyes in disbelief, and again she looked out at the scene before her. She had been through every shrub and turned over every rock at least once, if not more, since she could walk. She lived in this house all her life and nothing could have prepared her for what she was seeing now.19
Quickly she put on her yellow raincoat and rain boots. She ran outside while the rain beat down. She trotted to the water’s edge. There she stood, watching the raindrops bounce off the stormy surface of the pond. Whatever was there had gone. The red triangle-shaped hat, the small child with purple wings, tail in the water, all gone. Ella wondered if she had imagined it.20
She took a deep breathe, “Ummm… My name’s Ella. If anyone or anything is out here, I just want you to know, I won’t hurt you.” She stood there listening to the rain hit the leaves and watched the ripples in the pond again. Ella heard no response. After a few minutes, she went back inside disappointed and dripping
wet.21
* * * 22
The next day, Ella stood by the sliding glass doors. She was staring at the pond at the bottom of the hill. Every few minutes Ella would unfold her arms and reach for the handle that opened the door, only to pull it quickly back. Ella knew she needed to go back there, but wasn’t sure she was up to it. 23
What if she was crazy? What if there was nothing out there? Could she be losing her mind? And if there was something in the water, what could it be? These questions were running in circles in her brain. Last night, while lying in bed she had decided that what she had seen was real. She had also decided that she had seen an elf or fairy (she wasn’t too sure about the difference), a gnome and maybe a sea serpent or mermaid. 24
“Stuff out of fairy tales,” she muttered to herself. Squeezing her eyes shut she wanted to forget any of this was happening. As the rain tapered, off she drew in a deep breath and opened the door.25
* * *
Ella cautiously approached the side of the pool. The roses were in full bloom and smelled strong, mixed with the earthy smell of soil and algae. Drops of rain fell from the foliage in the backyard. She could hear the frogs croaking out their throaty melody from behind the reeds at the far end, as a subtle breeze ruffled her brown hair. She searched the surface of the water, hoping to find some sign of the face she thought she saw the day before. After staring for quite some time without result, she started looking around the shrubs and ferns for footprints. When she did not find anything but animal prints, she turned to go back inside. As she did she caught sight of what she thought was a white rock.26
A white rock among the gray rocks was unusual. Once she picked it up she found that it was a shell, and not a stone at all. Not quite sure what kind of shell it was, she turned it over for a closer inspection. Underneath on the pale belly leading into the shell were strange markings, almost like writing. Ella sat down to study it more. The ground beneath her was littered with small smooth rocks worn by time, making it fairly comfortable to sit. Ella ran her finger over the markings feeling the rise and fall of the words?27
Ella looked up from the shell just in time to see a shimmering tail slip beneath the water, leaving rings rippling to the edge. She leaned over the water as the rocks bit into her knees. A rock or some other pond material glimmered beneath the surface catching her eye. Putting the shell in her short’s pocket, Ella reached down through the water, feeling the cool liquid encase her arm. Ella should have felt the bottom, but her arm continued to sink further in. The water crept past her elbow and headed for her shoulder. A pair of sparrows called from a distant tree, while Old Gray barked in the distance. The smell of algae and roses continued to fill the air. The water had reached her shoulder. Ella pulled out her arm and stared at it in stunned disbelief. Streams of water ran down her freckled arm as she sat rooted in place. She stuck both her hands in at the same time stopping only when her shoulders went under. Holding her breath Ella plunged her head in, shaking off the fear. The water was shockingly cold on her freckled face. She opened her eyes and saw the same shiny object that drew her attention the first time, only it was a distance away from her hands. Pushing with her feet against the loose rocks surrounding the pond, she reached for the item.28
Pale hands tightly grabbed Ella’s forearms, tugging her gently down. A sense of panic gripped her, squeezing her chest, and Ella kicked her feet, stirring up sand and silt from the slopping sides. She thrashed her arms trying to break free from the vise like grip holding her. Her jean shorts were saturated, weighing her down, causing her to lash more. Further and further she went under the surface of the pond. The pressure on her lungs became overwhelming as she fought against the hands holding her. Bubbles whirled around her clouding her sense of up or down. Her lungs were screaming and her heart beat in her ears, drowning out the calm voice of her captor.29
“Take a breath. Ella…breathe. Ella.” Cool hands let go of her arms and took a hold of her face. “Ella, look at me. Breathe.”30
Ella stopped struggling long enough to look at the face in front of her then began to scream. 31
A hand clamped down on her mouth. “Shh! I’m not going to hurt you.” Ella stopped shaking her head but her eyes were still wide with fear. “I’m going to take my hand down now. Don’t scream,” said the girl or what Ella thought was a girl. On a second glance she noticed it wasn’t a normal girl. Framed by a backdrop of beige sand and brightly colored coral stood or floated a mermaid. She had sunshine yellow hair, free floating around a square face. Her turquoise blue eyes sparkled with merriment as her mouth turned up into a brilliant smile that held pointy teeth. Ella caught her breath at the sight of her teeth and realized she could breath.32
“How, how can I breath?” She brought her hand up to her throat. When Ella had fallen in the pond the water was frigid, but she noticed now it was comfortably warm.33
The mermaid flipped her tail, and the light reflected every color of the rainbow. “I’m not sure. Something to do with you being with me. They explained it in class once, but I didn’t pay attention.”34
“Who explained it?” Ella asked.35
“Some teacher, I don’t remember,” she answered. “My name’s Tearuslee, lady-in-waiting for Princess Gianna.”36
“Pleased to meet you.” Ella curtsied and stumbled because it was awkward underwater.37
“Oh, don’t do that!” Tearuslee pulled Ella up by her arm. “I’m just a servant,” Tearuslee exclaimed. “And this is Antanego, city of the merpeople.” She turned to show Ella a vast array of caves covering an ocean guyot. Brightly colored coral and sea grass covered most of the space between openings. Small paths meandered between clumps of coral and tan boulders. Colorful damselfish swam above sea worms and eelgrass.38
“Wow,” Ella breathed, “It’s so different than what TV makes it out to be.”39
“What is TV?” asked Tearuslee. 40
Ella thought for a moment. “A box with pictures that move.”41
Large turquoise eyes stared at her. “Pictures that move, wow! You must tell me more.”42
“Well,” said Ella, “people in a place called…”43
“Excuse me Tearuslee,” a small blue crab interrupted from a boulder off to their left, “but aren’t you forgetting about why she’s here?”44
“Oh yes, thank you Hermie.”45
Ella watched as the crab scuttled off the rock. “Does everything talk down here?”46
“Every animal has its own language. You just have to listen for it.” She shrugged.47
“Oh.” Ella stood dazed. All the stories she’d been told or had read could not do justice to the real thing. The coral were in such fantastic colors of blues and greens, oranges in clumps with fiery red. She could see pipefish swimming in and out and one fiddler ray burying itself in the sand.48
“So why am I here?” Ella asked Tearuslee. 49
Tearuslee avoided Ella’s eyes as she tried to figure out what to say. She wanted to put it in a way that wouldn’t scare Ella, but that she would understand the urgency of her part.50
Ella waited as patiently as a nine-year girl could. But finally she could no longer wait. She stomped her foot, only to stir up silt from the bottom. “Hey, just tell me.”51
Tearuslee held up her webbed hands. “Ok…a special shell was taken from Princess Gianna’s cave. This shell is a map that leads to a place that holds a rare flower. We need that shell now, so we can find the flower!” She passionately replied.52
“But why me?”53
“We’ve found that our only whirlpool leads to your pond.” 54
“Whirlpool?”55
“Yes. To get to distant places or different waterways we use whirlpools. Our last surviving whirlpool leads to your pond.”56
Astonished Ella said, “My pond?”57
“Yes, your pond.”58
“And what do you mean by last surviving whirlpool?” Ella asked.59
“Our whirlpools suddenly started disappearing or would die. We’re not sure which,” Tearuslee answered. “Are you going to ask a question after everything I say?”60
“Probably.” She shrugged. “I’m sorry go on.”61
“So this leads us to believe the shell is in your pond.” 62
Ella stood thinking about the whirlpools and how strange that they were in danger, and then asked, “Why are the whirlpools dying or disappearing?63
Tearuslee shrugged her bare shoulders. “I’m not sure. The rumor is that the merpeople and whirlpools are connected and when we start dying so do they.”64
Ella floated quietly for a while digesting what she had learned, when Tearuslee broke in to her thoughts.65
“So, have you seen anything strange at your pond?” She bit her lip and waited.66
Ella floated in place thinking about what had happened the past week. She remembered the purple wings and the red hat. 67
Then it dawned on her. “The fin.”68
“What?” asked a startled Tearuslee.69
“The fin. I’ve seen a fin twice now and your face. Plus a couple of other things but…but they don’t matter.” She threw up her hands. When they were coming down she hit her pocket and felt a lump. “Oh my gosh! I found a shell right before you pulled me through.” She pulled it out. “Is this it?”70
Tearuslee snatched it out of Ella’s hand. “Let, me see! Oh my gosh…this is it! How did you find it?”71
“It was on the shore of the pond, mixed in with the rocks. I found it right before I fell in the water,” she explained again.72
Tearuslee swam off a little ways. “Come on. We have to get started.”73
Ella swam after her. “Hey wait.” Tearuslee slowed down for her. “What are we doing? Where are we going?”74
Sighing Tearuslee turned and held out the shell. “This shell is a map. It’s a map to the Sea Lily.”75
“And why do we need this Sea Lily?” she asked.76
Tearuslee looked sad. Casting her eyes towards the sea floor she said in a small voice, “The Creeping Crust. The Creeping Crust is making the merpeople sick.”77
Ella glanced at the caves over Tearuslee’s pale shoulder. The paths were empty. No one was out running errands. No merchildren were playing. “It looks deserted,“ Ella whispered.78
“The healthy are taking care of the sick. Even King Portius the 7th is helping. You see even Princess Gianna has the Creeping Crust.” Tearuslee said solemnly.79
Touching Tearuslee’s arm Ella asked, “please, tell me what the Creeping Crust is.”80
“It is a disease. It’s a crust that grows on our tails, making them too heavy to swim. And we must swim to live.”81
“Ok, so now that we have the map what are we to do with it?” Ella asked.8082
“We must follow the map to find the Sea Lily.”83
“Just the two of us? By ourselves? One girl, one mermaid?” Ella asked frightened. When Tearuslee nodded, she said, “Are you crazy? I know nothing about the sea. We could get hurt or lost. Or even eaten!”84
While Ella was ranting Tearuslee had already started to swim away.85
“Hey, wait for me,” yelled Ella. “I can’t believe I’m doing this,” she muttered under her breath.
Author notes
Nitpick, please. Be a grammar nazi. Does the tense change? Is there any missing commas? Too many commas? Anything?
Edited 1/18/2009
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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I loved all of it! And I agree with Geri on the "mistakes". I wonder what will happen next?
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Thanks for reading this. I think I've got most of the mistakes taken care. I am glad you like it and I hope you continue to read the next chapter.
Thanks again
Brooke
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hmm.
A little short for a chapter isn't it? Or is that what you were going for?-short and sweet? I like the name Ella, she's one of the main characters in mine. *smiles*
Oh man I loved your fist chapter. The dialogue and wording flowed beautifully. Perhaps I should be bowing lolz. The entire thing went along swimmingly. Mermaids are a great concept- I hope you continue.
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Actually, because it is written for children between the ages 8 and 12, I think the chapter is just the right length. But I am glad you like the name Ella and that you liked the story so far.
I've finished it a year or so ago and am now in the process of once again editing and rewriting. Hoping to send out soon.
Thanks again for the read.
Brooke
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Chapter One: Into the Water1
Hi Brooke, you certainly are developing a charming and interesting novel here
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I know I read some of this before, so I’m not allowed to rate it. Still, I again enjoyed the rump (swim) with Ella and Tearuslee.
The plot flows along smoothly, and your characters are delightful and amusing.
The dialogue compliments the activity and sounds natural.
Your descriptions are wonderfully done so the reader will feel part of the action.
As for flip flops in tense--I didn't notice any. I did notice shifts in POV and wondered if it was intentional?
Of course Geri being Geri
I just had to do a bit of editing. Use or loose 
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Her jean shorts and blue tank top were covered with dirt and grass from when she rolled down the hill. 2(This is chapter one and it’s not fair to assume the reader knows she rolled anywhere. Her jean shorts and blue tank top were covered with dirt and grass from a roll down the hill.)
Glancing along the ground beside her, she looked for another stone for skipping in (among) the mottled gray and black rocks.
A pale face popped out of the water, with blond hair raining down it's (its) cheeks,
Her mother shook her head,(.) “I had your father go out there.
Sighing, Ella nodded and walked away towards the glass doors.( I think this is a case of one scene running into another—Her mom wouldn’t send her out in a storm.) The rain that had started out as a drizzle this morning had turned into a downpour, complete with a whipping wind.
The mermaid flipped her tail, and the light reflected every color of the rainbow,(.)
Ella stood thinking about the whirlpools and how strange that they were in danger, and then asked, “Why are the whirlpools dying or disappearing? (“
63
Tearuslee shrugged her bare shoulders, (.) “I’m not sure.
“And why do we need this Sea Lily?” (she)She asked.76
Geri
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Thanks geri, for reading this again and for finding those other mistakes. I did write this before I learned all this wonderful stuff from this great website
Again thanks and fixed.
Brooke
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Hi Brooke
What a delightful children's book this will be. It is so interesting and the descriptions are wonderful. I couldn't find a thing wrong with it, but now that I have read it, I'll go through and check closer.
I did notice two numbers at the end of sentences, that I don't understand why they are there. The first is '50' and the other is '80'
I love your characters. I think this sets up your story very well and will make a great book.
Trish
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It might have been from when I copied and pasted it from the first posting (Chapters 1 and 2). I will go through and fix that
I'm glad you couldn't find anything wrong with it. As much work as I've put in it, from the help of others, there shouldn't be much. But it is always good to get a new set of eyes.
Thank you for reading this and for liking it.
Brooke
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I've read this before!!! =)
And wow.. the same feeling when I read it surfaced. I wish I, too, can meet a mermaid. *envies Ella*
Brooke, I have not been doing such a detailed commenting, but I shall try. Because I enjoyed this immensely. I didn't think this could have been bettered, but I guess I was wrong. It's like putting vanilla ice cream and serving it with my favorite chocolate cake.
I particularly liked the "wanna bet" retort, haha. It seemed like something I would say to my mom back when I was her age
Liking this story, I may be a bit biased as I did enjoy this the first time reading it (and continue to enjoy it). I just hope I won't repeat whatever everyone else who commented said
First paragraph - methinks is too long. My suggestion is that maybe you could start another paragraph with "A lone jay called"? and yet another for "Ella noticed old Gray" (just suggestions ^_^)
Also: Glancing along the ground beside her, she looked for another stone to skip in the mottled gray and black rocks.
the sentence structure makes it have 2 meanings:
1. that she's looking for another grey rock in the gray and black ones (which is your intended meaning ^_^)
or
2. that she's looking for another stone that's skipping in the gray and black rocks.
x.x my suggestion is:
Glancing along the ground of mottled gray and black rocks beside her,she looked for another stone (for stone skipping? *hasn't really made one stone skip in my entire life x.x not sure if that would work).
for: Ella leaned over and peered into the calm water, seeing only her reflection.
maybe: Ella leaned over and saw only her reflection on the calm water.
Missing commas in: "Listen, if you're that frightened[,] stay away from the pond." Gently[,] Ella's mother rubbed her arms.
For: With the comfortable sounds and smells of home, Ella sighed and looked past the rain to the pond. Movement off to the side caught her wandering eye. A flash of red, shaped like a small triangle, moved between the shrubs framing the back of the pond. Leaning over the rocks looking into the water was the distorted image of a small child with long green hair[-](hyphen, maybe to suggest a broken thought?
(separate for a new paragraph)
“Green hair?” Ella whispered[,] stunned. Quick movement behind the child drew Ella’s eyes to wings[-]
(separate for new paragraph)
“Purple wings?” A large fin, that looked like [it belonged to]a small whale, appeared and slipped under the water.
Missing comma for: Ella rubbed here eyes in disbelief and[,] again she looked out...
Suggestions for:...She ran outside while the rain beat down. Down the hill she trotted to the water’s edge.
(Too many "down"s for two consecutive sentences.. perhaps):
She ran outside while the rain beat down [on her. Past the hill, she trotted to the water's edge.
and this might get too long, far longer than the usual length my stories, hahaha x.x I'll be sending you a message, Brooke, haha but for now, I hope this is helpful
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Your descriptions are visible; they let your characters, (even the unusual ones) come alive
Morning Brooke, what a delightful fantasy novel you have started here.
Your descriptions are visible; they let your characters, (even the unusual ones) come alive and play their parts on a well-drawn stage.
The pace of the plot in this opening chapter is brisk with lively action that holds the reader’s attention.
Your dialogue sounds authentic; there is a human child’s twang to Ella’s and an intelligent cast to Tearuslee that makes her seem older than her companion.
The hook at the end, a quest for the Sea Lily, will send a captive audience hunting more.
I did some editing per request (use it or lose it—some of it I’m weak myself at.)
Nine-year-old Ella stood on one leg with arms held out straight. She brought her other leg out in front of her, placing her foot in front of the other, balancing. (Okay bit me
but this sounds repetitive and doesn’t have to.
( Nine-year-old Ella stood on one leg; arms thrust foreword. She brought her other leg out in front of her. By placing one foot in front of the other, she maintained her balance. )
She repeated this, until she reached the pond in the backyard. (This seems like it belongs with the first paragraph since it completes the idea.)
Instead of her mousy brown hair, she saw sunshine blond (blonde curls? Or pigtails? ) and turquoise eyes where her maple brown ones had been. (terrific way of describing her.)
“You wanna bet?” Came Ella’s retort.9 (
)
Quickly she put on her yellow raincoat and rain boots. She ran outside while the rain (drenched or soaked) beat down. Down the hill she trotted to the water’s edge. (a bit of an echo with those downs.)
As the rain tapered off she drew in a deep breathe (breath) and opened the door.22
“Take a breath. Ella…breathe. Ella,(.)” cool (Cool) hands let go of her arms and took a hold of her face,(.) “Ella, look at me. Breathe.(“9
Don’t scream.” (, said) Said the girl or what Ella thought was a girl.
“Some teacher, I don’t remember.” (, she) She answered, (.) “my (My) name’s Tearuslee, lady-in-waiting for Princess Gianna.”35
“Pleased to meet you,” (.” Ella) she curtsied and stumbled because it was awkward underwater.36
“Oh, don’t do that!” Tearuslee pulled Ella up by her arm, (. “I’m) “I’m just a servant. (,)” Tearuslee exclaimed.
Ella thought for a moment, “a (. “ A) box with pictures that move.”40
Large turquoise eyes stared at her, (. “Pictures) “pictures that move, wow! You must tell me more.”41
Ella watched as the crab scuttled off the rock, “ (. “ Does) does everything talk down here?”45
“So why am I here?” Ella asked Tearuslee. Tearuslee avoided Ella’s eyes as she tried to figure out what to say. She wanted to put it in a way that wouldn’t scare Ella, but that she would understand the urgency of her part.48 ( this is a POV switch shrug in the same sentence?)
Tearuslee held up her webbed hands, (. “Ok) “ok…a special shell was taken from Princess Gianna’s cave.
“And what do you mean by last surving (surviving) whirlpool?” Ella asked.57
“Our whirlpools suddenly started disappearing or would die. We’re not sure which.” (,” Tearuslee) Tearuslee answered.
Then it dawned on her, (. “The)“the fin.”66
Tearuslee snatched it out of Ella’s hand, (. “Let) “let me see! Oh my gosh…this is it! How did you find it?”69
“It was on the shore of the pond, mixed in with the rocks. I found it right before I fell in the water.” (, “ she) She explained again.70
Tearuslee swam off a little ways, (. “Come ) “come on. We have to get started.”71
“Just the two of us? By ourselves? One girl, one mermaid?” She (Ella) asked frightened. When Tearuslee nodded, (she said, “are you crazy?)
“Hey, wait for me.” (, “ yelled) Yelled Ella. “I can’t believe I’m doing this.” (, “ she) She muttered under her breath.
beginning: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Helloooooo oh mighty leader of SAR
This was an enjoyable beginning to what looks to be an action filled children's story. I'm not sure at what age group it is intended but then again I'm 'ancient' (my grandkids' words, not mine).
I have noticed a few bits and pieces for you to consider:
p10 - search = searched
p10 - your think your saw = you think you saw
p11 - she had clenched - delete 'had' to keep it in present tense
p18 - was there was gone - personally I would write - was there had gone. This overcomes the word 'was' being used twice in three words.
p18 - soaking her thin body. I don't know how her body is getting soaked for she's wearing a raincoat?
p25 - After staring some time, without results - comma not needed between 'time' and 'without'. Also, although I may be wrong, I believe 'results' should be 'result'.
p27 - stood rooted - the rest of the para has her kneeling.
p61 and p62 - dieing = dying (unless that's how it is spelled in the US)
P64 - bite = bit
p65 - has = had
p68 - before your pulled me through = before you pulled me in
There also seems to be a problem with the formatting of paras 25, 27 and 75 ???
You have picked up the idiosynchrasies of a nine year old pretty well which I'm sure any nine year old reader (or thereabouts) will relate to
On a general note, in para 78 Tearuslee explains mermaids must swim to live but there is no indication of her swimming when she's talking to Ella. This may confuse a young reader.
I hope this helps oh mighty leader 
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Also on Sea Lily para 78, I was trying to say that the merpeople swim not walk and so they needed their tales. But they don't need to swim continuiously. Do you have any idea how I would say that without confusing a nine year old? Any suggestion would be greatly appreciated.
Brooke -
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Para 79
Try something as follows:
"It's a disease. It's a crust that grows on our tails, making them too heavy to use. We merpeople don't have legs and feet like you, so we need our tails free from disease so we can swim when we need to.
Hope that helps
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Thank you for looking through this. I haven't even picked it up since last year.
I need to go through it and fix what you and Lori picked out. Again thank you for taking the time to read this
Brooke
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I was really drawn into this story. Your imagination is fantastic. I enjoyed reading every word.
Your imagery is superbly done, and you describe sights, scents and emotions vividly.
A few minor things i did notice though:
Her mother shook her head, “I had your father go out there. He search in the pond and around it and found nothing. I’m not sure what your think your saw out there, but I don’t think there’s any reason for you to stay inside.” - Should be: ..."He searched the pond and found nothing. I'm not sure what you think you saw out there..."
“You wanna bet.” Came Ella’s retort. - Should be "You wanna bet?" (With a question mark)
“Any reason, any reason! Mom there’s a monster living in our pond!” yelled Ella. - Should be: "Any reason? Mom, there's a monster living in our pond!"
Taking a deep breath, “Ummm… My name’s Ella. If anyone or anything is out here, I just want you to know, I won’t hurt you.” - The beginning of this paragraph is done in present tense, which slightly throws a reader off the story. It should be "She took a deep breath..."
Every few minutes Ella unfolded her arms and reach for the handle that opened the door, only to pull it quickly back. - Again, the tense is off. It should be something like: "Every few minutes Ella woud unfold her arms and reach for the handle that opened the door, only to quickly pull it back..."
The smell of algae and roses continued to filled the air. - Should be "... contiued to fill the air"
Pale hands grab Ella’s forearms tightly, tugging her gently down - Should be: "Pale hands tightly grabbed Ella's forearms, gently tugging her down"
She wanted to put it in away that wouldn’t scare Ella, but that she would understand the urgency of her part - Away = A way?
“Soooo…have you seen anything strange at your pond?” She bite her lip and waited. - The "sooo" is a little awkward. The mermaid is obviously worried about her people, and the "sooo" kind of pulls away from that impression. Maybe just have "So, have you seen anything strange in your pond?"
Ella floated in place thinking about what has happened the past week. She remembered the purple wings and the red hat. - Your tense is off again here, maybe have "Ella floated in place thinking about what had happened in the past week.."
Other than that though, the piece was done marvelously. A little editing would make it perfect!
Thanks for posting this, i truly enjoyed reading it, and goodluck with future chapters
Keep writing!
Yrs.
Azaradelle.
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I know it has been over a year since you commented on my story, but I just now got to it. I had forgotten it was even on here But I've corrected the mistakes and tense problems. Thanks for pointing those out. I wrote this before I started on SW and I can say that I have learned a lot from being on this site. One of those many things was commas and tense. Yay! me. Again thanks for taking the time to read this.
Brooke
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