The girl who hated school1
Rachel was in elementary school. Such a miserable life she had. She hated school for the death of her. She would fake being sick so she wouldn't have to go. But then her mom caught on one day and made her go. Rachel was so made at her mom for this she told her mom she hated her. So she walked down the street to the bus stop, She was standing there by herself people starring at her. So she waled around till the bus got there. As the bus got there she stepped on the bus with everyone starring at her then she found a seat.2
When the bus arrived at the school she said to her self now the hell is going to begin. She went to her class room and set her back pack down and began to walk towards the playground. When she was walking all of a sudden she fell flat on her face. Her mouth was bleeding and a few of her teeth got knocked back seems she fell on a rock. She got tripped by this girl that is always picking on her. But no one seem to believe Rachel when she would tell them. This girl Vanessa it was like Vanessa had a spell on everyone. That she could do no wrong. Vanessa would go around causing trouble were ever she went. Rachel went to the office and they called her mom .3
When they got a hold of Rachel's mom they told her that Rachel has has an accident seems that she had feel into a rock.Rachel had knocked a few of her teeth back and busted her lip right open. At first Rachel's mom thought it was one of the scams to get to get out of school. But when she got to the school she realized it wasn't a scam. Rachel's mom asked her what had happened when Rachel tried to speak it hurt really bad. So Rachel grabbed a piece a paper and wrote down what had happen. Rachel's mom asked to speak to the principle of the school. About this little girl and the principle Mrs. Hunter said oh no it couldn't be Vanessa she is not any kind of trouble maker.4
Rachel's mom was looking into Mrs. Hunters eyes as she said that and she said don't lie to me I can see it in your eyes. I suggest you call this girl to the office I would like to ask her a few questions. Mrs. Hunter calls for Vanessa to the office. When Vanessa finally got up the she was giving a glare at Rachel, a glare that if looks can kill it would have killed her. Vanessa went into Mrs. Hunter office and said you wanted to see me Mrs. Hunter,She said yes please come in and sit down. Mrs. Hunter say to Vanessa this is Rachel's mom. She would like to ask you a few questions and Rachel's mom looked at her she got this bad vibe from her. She suddenly looks to the floor . Rachel's mom began to ask the questions and Vanessa denied everything. Vanessa was trying to make it out were Rachel was the one doing everything. But Rachel's mom didn't buy into it she told Vanessa that if she went anywhere near her daughter again she would contact her parents and they would have to Pay for everything that she has done to her daughter. Vanessa acted like she didn't care.5
Rachel's mom walked out of the principles office and told Rachel lets go. Her mom took her to the dentists to try and get her teeth fixed. Rachel's face was so swollen she stayed home a few days from school. When Rachel returned to school Vanessa was standing there waiting for her. She looked at Rachel with that glare again that could kill if it could. Rachel just walked right by her walking as fast as she can. Rachel stops all of a sudden turns and tells Vanessa to leave her alone. Rachel was sick and tiered of being treated like shit by a girl that she didn't even know. Vanessa stood there and just smiled then said if you think I am going to leave a dirt ball like you alone you got it wrong. And started calling her names. Mrs. Hunter was standing there behind Vanessa when all of a sudden Vanessa pulls out o knife and heads towards Rachel. Mrs. Hunter grabs her hand as she raised the knife towards Rachel.6
Mrs. Hunter then grabs her hand and pulls her to her office. She grabs Vanessa card and calls home Vanessa mom answer the phone (Hello) Mrs. Hunter says that she needed to come pick up her child Vanessa because she was being suspended for a week. Vanessa mom asks what for and Mrs Hunter replies Because she had brought a knife to school and attempted to cut another student with it. Her mom says she will be right there. Mrs. Hunter tells Vanessa that the kind of behavior she was showing was not going to be tolerated in school. That when she comes back to school and it happens again She would have no choice but to get the police involved Mrs. Hunter asks if she understands Vanessa replies you better watch your back. Vanessa mom gets there to pick up Vanessa and talks to the principle without Vanessa present her mom asks who it was she was threatening.7
Mrs. Hunter had told her that it was Rachel. Vanessa's mom said she was afraid of that. I had found her diary and it said how she was treating this girl and everything she has done to this girl. That she was going to kill her the next time she saw her. She tells the principle that her daughter needed some help.But Vanessa didn't believe that she needed help.So you said she is suspended for two weeks for this Vanessa mom ask Mrs. Hunter. Yes two weeks then she can come back but if she brings another knife to school I will have to notify the police. Vanessa mom understood. She said ok and took Vanessa home.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
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I think this write is great since you, the mother, are telling the story. However, I think the second and third to the last Vanessa is possessive and should be Vanessa's.
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May I recommend that you re-write this...SHOWING me Rachel and how she lived her life instead of just telling me. Maybe try from a different POV. Vary your sentence structure instead of Subject, Verb...Subject Verb.
Perhaps this will help. (re-written first person POV):
I am in elementary school. My life? Miserable. School will be the death of me--I'm probably not the only child who will die from excessive education. Sometimes, I pretend that I'm sick so I don't have to go. But one day, mom, raising her voice and eyebrows at me, shrieked, "You go to school RIGHT NOW young lady! I'll not have a daughter skipping class and becoming a no-good factory worker!" As soon as the last word flew from her mouth, I was out the door. I made sure to slam it so that she'd know I was just as angry as she was.
Furious, I stomped to the bus stop, not caring about the scene I was causing. The woman I saw every morning with an infant was there, eyeing me as though I were mentally ill. And there was the homeless guy, whose face I'd never seen clean-shaven, staring at me from glazed-over eyes. He escaped his troubles with the bottle; fortunately, I was too young to consider it myself. My anger simmered to mere irritation as I leaned against the bus stop sign pole.
I didn't realize that I'd closed my eyes until my eyelids jerked open to the sound of screeching brakes. The bus had arrived. With a sigh, I strode grudgingly to its waiting door, ever aware of the pallid, expressionless faces staring solemnly down upon me from the bus's dirty windows... -
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Thanks for commenting and the suggestin you made about rewritting it I will give it a try and see what I can come up with your comment is highly appreciated
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