An October Saturday

Dear Diary,1

It was nothing more than a typical October Saturday - a marching band competition. Two hours on a bus with seventy other people, what fun! 2

We had a practice beforehand, as usual. It was hot as blazes on that asphalt football field (an old driver's ed course that had been made over) and nobody wanted to run through our four songs more than once or twice. 3

"I HATE this, I'm quitting next year," Ben, a sophomore tuba player, whispered in my ear. 4

"You can't quit. I forbid it." I looked up at him. He was tall, probably nearing six feet. My four-foot ten height didn't do much for my position as Woodwind Captain. I had to fight for every bit of respect I got. Looking up (literally) to people all the time will do that to you. 5

"Yeah? And how will you stop me?"6

I made a fist and shook it in his face. He put his tuba on his shoulder, and with a gust of air, deafened me. When my ears stopped ringing I fell into him, laughing. 7

"You make it seem like I've never heard that before! I have Zack's trumpet in my ear, I guarantee that's louder." I quickly stood up. As much as I wanted (though I kept trying to deny it) to just lay there against him, I couldn't. I had no idea how he would react. This quick contact didn't seem to bother him. 8

"I don't know about that. Let's see what Matt has to say..." Ben turned to try to attract the attention of the Brass Captain, who also had a tuba in his hands. 9

"No!" I laughed and pulled at Ben's arm. "No! Please! Anything but that!" 10

"OK, OK." Ben gave me his smile. It was so geeky, and yet, so cute. I felt the strongest attraction when he smiled. 11

So Ben is a geek. So what? I'm kind of one too... He's the only person I've ever met that has recommended the author Garth Nix to me. (He's already one of my favorite authors, but I didn't think that anyone else knew who he was.) 12

I remember this conversation vividly - it was on bus on the way to band camp, with Ben sitting in front of me. He slept most of the way, but when he woke up, we talked for about an hour about books. Books! Of all things...13

And then I remember the conversation in the rain. The last day of band camp and it's raining. We couldn't put on the show for the parents like we always do, although all the parents were gathered in the little pavilion where we had lunch. We all huddled together, trying to keep warm (no one thought to bring jackets, it had been nearly 100 degrees when we left!) and avoiding the places where the roof leaked. The rest of the band and guard, all seventy of them, were playing volleyball, yes, in the rain. I didn't feel like getting crushed (as is bound to happen when you have seventy people in a small area) so I was sitting by myself. 14

Laura, Ben's sister who had just graduated, was talking to me when he came up to us. We were standing just outside the shelter, letting ourselves get drenched as we talked about drama club.15

"Yeah, we should definitely pick something ELSE for the fall play - I mean, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland?" Ben appeared out of nowhere to add his opinion. We all agreed and were talking amiably.16

"Julie!" Laura cried and turned to the person who had just arrived. It was an old friend of hers, also from drama club, who had graduated two years before. Laura promptly left to chat with her friend. Ben and I were alone. 17

"Well, I'm wet," I said, looking at my clothing. My shirt was soaking and I thought my shoes were muddy beyond all hope of cleanliness. 18

"Me too..." Ben stared at his feet. "So, how about this rain?"19

"It sucks. I want to do the show! OK, I don't want to do the show, but I think we need to." I replied. This conversation was going in circles.20

"Yes, for the freshman to understand."21

This conversation went on without much variation for about the next half hour. I was aware of my dad staring at the two of us from behind the food laden table.22

I hugged Ben goodbye and went back to the bunks with my dad to pick up my luggage. It had been a good two days. 23

"So, is he going to ask you out?" my dad asked, staring at the road through the rain splattered windshield. 24

I laughed. "No, at least I don't think so. We were talking about books and band."25

"Good."26

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~27

Things had progressed since then. Ben always seemed to be coming over to talk to me: at lunch, in class, he even sat with me at a competition! I was getting suspicious, and at the same time, I had started to like him - a lot. I kept waiting for him to make a move, but he never did. Until now.28

"Which bus are you going to get on?" Ben asked. Seniors got to get on the buses first, so it was up to me to choose which one. 29

"The one without Mr. M." I said, referring to the band director. "We can't eat if he's on the bus with us." I watched as Mr. M got on a bus to put his bag down and then got off to address the band.30

"We'll go on THAT bus," I said, pointing to the one on the opposite side of the parking lot from the one Mr M had reserved. 31

"Save me a seat?" Ben asked. I nodded. I was supposed to save seats for almost all the woodwinds anyway. What would one more seat hurt?32

After the mad rush to board, the bus that I had chosen was full. I had saved all the seats that I could, but the chaperones had made it difficult for all my friends to sit together. I had my own seat though, a senior perk. There was no seat for Ben. 33

He got on the bus, looking around. He spotted me and then proceeded to search for a seat. 34

"You can sit here, I guess." I moved my bag from the seat to the floor, making more than enough room for him. He agreed and sat down. 35

We talked for an hour. And then, I don't quite know how it happened, he kissed me. One moment we were chatting about band, and the next we were lip-locked. 36

It was my first kiss, and I'm fairly certain that it was his as well. It was the most wonderful feeling in the world. I have no idea if he is a good kisser, or if I am one, but all I know is it felt so good that I don't even know how to describe it. It was euphoric - his hand was gentle on my face. If it had been in a movie, it would have been one of those moments where the music swells until it fills you up and you can't help but cry in joy. 37

"Hey! Don't get too close!" A chaperone was yelling at us from the front of the bus. We pulled away from each other, looking into one another's eyes. A sly smile played on Ben's lips. We had a little secret now. 38

The rest of the competition and the bus ride home passed without any more excitement. But we were still on the high that our encounter had brought us. We both jumped up and cheered when we won first place with specialty awards for best percussion, guard, and drum major, but it couldn't excite us like our kiss did. We walked hand in hand (when out of uniform of course, Mr M wouldn't permit it while we were wearing our blue woolen jackets and bibber pants), but nothing more. 39

We hugged goodbye after unloading the equipment trucks at two in the morning. No one had energy for anything more - and my dad was watching. 40

I don't know how long I can keep this a secret. I want to tell someone - it would feel so good - but I'm afraid that people would laugh about a senior dating a sophomore. But I don't really think I'll care. We'll just have to see. 41

~Molly

Author notes

A semi-true story. Conversations are real - romance is a bit exaggerated. Names have been changed for my own protection.

It's a first draft, and kind of a stream-of-conciousness kind of piece. I just sat down and wrote without thinking too much and my grammar probably shows it. I would love some critical comments on this!

Hello world! I am Michelle...an 18 year old who uses writing as one of her many adventures into her artsy side. I have a love of both arts and sciences...for more info, check out my page thingy!

DO NOT READ BELOW THIS LINE UNLESS YOU ARE A CONTEST JUDGE...IT'S JUST THOSE COMMENT THINGS THAT ARE IN RULES
_______________________________________________________

Option B...

My favorite singer...gosh...there are so many...but right now, other than the Broadway shows I really like (or rather including them actually) I LOVE Idina Menzel...

Hello Moto

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 49 of 49

  • Darkhearted
    January 4

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    thos one day at band camp...hehe. very funny line from a very funny movie. so... anyways it was really good and captured the true identity of most of a teenagers emotions.

    great,
    chey-bear


  • wolf-storm
    January 1
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    thanks for entering the contest it was good.


  • Dawn Bon
    December 4, 2008
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    Good luck and thanks for entering!@
    This is really good!


  • tallblondie gold member
    October 26, 2008

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    Interesting romantic story. I felt that some extra attention to setting deatils would have made this piece somewhat more powerful, and though I liked the tender romantic moment of the 'first kiss', I found I couldn't relate as a reader to the scene. A few grammar errors - especially in regards to dialogue tags - detracted from the overall readability of the piece.

    Thank you for your entry in Sheer Brilliance.


  • Forgotten Tink.
    October 6, 2008
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    Don't forget my rules...maybe you haven't had time to edit.


    Anyway. Wow, I loved it...your Molly, she's a sweet heart I can tell, the romance so sweet. You made me smile, thank you! Ben seems like a neat guy too, I know how being short compared to people can be all of my friends are taller then me, most by about a foot.

    beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 5.


  • perfect paradox
    September 1, 2008
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    Ah, sorry! *bows head*

    Hey! I just wanted to say that you won silver in my last contest. Just reminding you. I do remember that I absolutly loved this story.

    Sorry, I think it's a little hard on the other people in my contest if I keep your story in my contest. If you hadn't won a medal in my previous contest you would have probably won one in this contest!

    So, would you rather take it out yourself or have me 'DQ' it. Once again, really sorry I have to do that.

    Cheers,
    Sky♥Prince


    • Nesa Lyrel
      September 1, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Sorry!

      My fault...I should've payed more attention to that. I guess it's the sleep deprivation of college that is making me unattentive. I'll remove it myself. Sorry again!!

      • perfect paradox
        September 1, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        Don't worry. I still love the story. In a matter of fact *whispers* this story is on my bookmarks. Shhh. I can't let everyone else in my contest find that out or else they will have my head.

        :]


  • sandypr.
    August 12, 2008

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    AWWW...

    I absoulely loved it!
    It was so cute and romantic!
    And I love the idea of makeing the story a diary entry.
    Good job!
    Good luck in my conteest and thanks for entering!!

  • ravinreader
    July 9, 2008

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    Lol, such a cute story...

    I like this, even though not to fond of the smaller than the girl thing...xD

    -IL-


  • Tiger-Lily
    June 27, 2008
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    Engagingly written, definitely. Very good entry, adn thanks for sharing.

    -HT


  • moonwriter
    June 14, 2008
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    lol. This was cute. I liked how it was a diary entry.


  • whatami
    May 26, 2008

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    Really good convers. I can guarantee you'll land on the final list. For a diary entry, this was really well written. Great descriptions. The names aren't that unique, but I'll over look it. Just WOW! Great job, and good luck! Thanks for entering!


    • Nesa Lyrel
      May 26, 2008
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      Well considering the fact that the names are real...lol...thanks for the comment!


  • damnxrightxitsxanna
    May 6, 2008

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    Ti was nice, kind of too nice... Everything just kind of seemed to go too well for them. It's kind of a story without any conflicts, it has lots of potential, but u could really polish it up. the only weird thing was the father, but its kind of hard to tell if hes really against them... It's sweet, but a story needs a conflict, not just a foreshadowing of one. Well, good job

    • Nesa Lyrel
      May 6, 2008
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      It was more of a personal journal entry (with some embellishments ) rather than a story with conflict. I totally understand your point though! Thanks for the comment!


  • bakermiddle
    April 9, 2008

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    This really reminds me of something that I’m always thinking about (I can’t say though) but I thought that this was a nicely written piece. I hope that when my best friend and I share our first kiss, we’ll both enjoy it too. Good job!

  • Kalamina
    April 7, 2008

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    I enjoyed this, nothing over-exaggerated like so many of those other stories i have read. It is something that i could believe happening. The description could be more elaborated on, but the story was cute.


  • taylor-swift13
    April 2, 2008

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    Best Of 2008... So Far

    This is sooooo good. I love it to bits. I am definitely going to have you in the finalists list. Even if you only get an Honourable mention though, you are still a great writer!!


  • ChokolateKISSES
    April 1, 2008

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    I loved that! It was really nice and very sweet. :] I think you did a great job and keep up the good work!


  • SympatheticMisery
    March 20, 2008

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    Aww, this was cute!^^ I was accually planning on writing a band romance about me and my crush (a flute player, lol x3)

    This was really sweet, by the way!^^ Two thumbs up! <33


  • On.Cue
    March 13, 2008

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    That was cute =)
    Keep consistent verb tense! And watch out for commas, whether you need one or need to take out one.
    I think you started to lose your descriptions towards the end, but the beginning was pretty awesome with all the descriptions.

    I love the band setting, although I'm an orchestra kid. I've seen so many people in band at my school go out together,and then there is strings...boring ol' strings. Haha.


  • Starlight-Kisses
    February 11, 2008
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    that was really well written and everything it was very nice good luck


  • Shah Z
    February 5, 2008
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    sorry no first person allowed, i will have to dq you so sorry


  • ilove2write
    January 30, 2008

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    Lovey dubby contest judge

    i feel that it was fntastic. exactly a mirror of someone I know. One thing I would like would be a sequel. That would be a good contest entry!


  • J.P.Troy silver member
    January 30, 2008

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    This was very well written. You have a real talent for language, especially gentle humour. It drew me in. Admittedly not one of the suspenseful thrillers I usually enjoy, but your narration flowed so well and had such character I was quickly enchanted. Many struggle to describe a kiss adequately (particularly a first kiss) but I shall keep the glow from yours with me for days to come.

    Thanks for entering our contest. Good luck.

    J.P. Troy
    (Writing Review)

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 5.


  • Leech
    January 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    ^_^


  • Miss Hanako Cullen
    January 14, 2008

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    If this is supposed to be a Diary entry, it's not really a "Life Act" of a diary. If it were a diary entry it should seem more written and less acted. Since it's a reading from your diary. lol.

    Other than that this story was very good, not one of my favorite genres but a good sense of humor and wonderful characters! You portrayed them well!

    Wonderful Job!

    • Nesa Lyrel
      January 14, 2008
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      I was kind of going for a mix between a story and a diary...guess it didn't work as well as I thought...lol

      As for the genre, it's not my favorite either! So it was more of an experiment with something new. (If you look on my page, most of what I write is fantasy...)

      Thank you for the nice comment!


  • always feel pretty
    January 13, 2008
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    EEEK. I LOVE THIS.

    Awesome and very well written. This reminded me of one of my favourite books (although, this was completely different, it was awesome).

    goood job,
    and good luck in the contest. i doubt you need it though.

    erica♥xoxo


  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    January 12, 2008

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    A delightful story about young love, though I’m afraid it might not get promoted, a sophomore and senior? Seniors are usually bordering on or are at the legal age—grin. High school senior girls are usually eyeing if not dating college boys.

    You have made Ben into a very unusual young man. My sophomore is fifteen if a senior girl kissed him, he’d have fallen through floor of that bus.

    Your writing is easy to follow; (though you do need to edit) there are bits of humor, which adds to the reading fun.

    Things had progessed (progressed) since then.

    I watched as Mr. M got on a but? (bus?) to put his bag down and then got off to address the band.30

    beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.

    • Nesa Lyrel
      January 12, 2008
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      Thanks for the editing suggestions...typos - gotta love em!

      As for the sophomore/senior thing...it IS true...I am a senior girl, and Ben is a sophomore boy. He is unusual. Sure, the kiss didn't actually happen that way, but it still is a senior and a sophomore !!


  • Prodigious.Mirth
    January 9, 2008

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    at first in my mins being a teenager...this one time at band camp..but no no it's marching band..My cousin was in a marching band and they are still considered losers for some reason.... I wondered why..anyways back to you're story..

    I thought you hit the nail on the .... you did A BRILLIANT JON.. really devled into creating what was and always will be the connection of the first ever real love in your life... even if it was not love it still is...

    love

    blair

    GOOD LUCK !!!!!


  • Radiance
    January 7, 2008

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    I really like this. There aren't many stories about teenagers in a marching band, and it's really unique. I really identified with the main character and overall, simply enjoyed the whole thing.

    A lot of my stories have a kernel of personal experience hidden in there, as well--especially my romance stories, for some reason. Conversations I have with my guy friends are very natural, and I like to use them. I have never posted an story entirely based on an event, though--at least, I don't think I have.

    I loved how realistic the narration of the story was. It had excellent flow and a very teenager-ish vocabulary; besides that, it captured the feel of a... band geek... very well. Many of my friends are in the school and marching bands. It's nice to see a story that depicts that.


  • Loonamist
    January 6, 2008

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    Wow!

    That's an amazing story! It didn't really help me, but I enjoyed reading it! Good job, excellent work!

    • Nesa Lyrel
      January 7, 2008
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      Sorry about that...It wasn't until a while after that I realized that the kissing scene wasn't really drawn out or anything. Glad you enjoyed it though!


  • whichcraft Greeters member
    January 1, 2008
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    This was an interesting story. You have the setting and two well defined characters. I knew where their heads were at and could follow the storyline. Although there was little conflict and the plot was not very defined, you captured a moment that readers would have experienced. Thanks for entering.

    • Nesa Lyrel
      January 2, 2008
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      I guess I wasn't going for much conflict in this one...it was really kind of a stream of consciousness diary entry... glad you liked it!

  • perfect paradox
    December 21, 2007

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    So cute! As DarkOne said, it reminds me of past crushes. Though none of them had every kissed me :3.

    A very exciting story and I loved how you used flashback! Perfect!


  • DarkOneShadow
    December 18, 2007
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    This reminds of my first crush

    This reminds me of all the hopeful yet failed romances that I wanted to have during high school. Many crushes, yet no relationships. This piece about a first kiss was a defining moment in time which always makes a impression on a teenager. I think that you portrayed that well in this story. Excellent work!

    DarkOne


  • beezy92
    December 8, 2007

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    I liked it! So much!!

    I love that its about music. I love the backround. I love Ben...and I love that they'r band geeks. The coollest people in the world!! (= This is exactly the kind of story I wanted cute boy/girl story without being cliche and overdone (= It's special (=

    "asphalt football field" yikes! Almost an oxymoron (=

    "This conversation went on without much variation for about the next half hour. I was aware of my dad staring at the two of us from behind the food laden table" hehehe I don't know why but I love these two sentences. Half an hour seems like a long time though--been there, done that.

    ""So, is he going to ask you out?" my dad asked, staring at the road through the rain splattered windshield. 24

    I laughed. "No, at least I don't think so. We were talking about books and band."25

    "Good."" also loved this bit (=

    "One moment we were chatting about band, and the next we were lip-locked" Nice. Lol. Partly kidding. (= I like the way it happened though, no sappy, dramatic build-up. Realistic and funny but still cute in some way (=

    "I have no idea if he is a good kisser, or if I am one, but all I know is it felt so good that I don't even know how to describe it." And I love this sentence too!! I'm so worried about the always-awkward first kiss for me (= Wow this story is definitely going to the finalist list (=

    if I gave applause for conest entries, you'd get 3 (=


    • Nesa Lyrel
      December 8, 2007
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      And the funny thing is...the story is almost true... I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for the great comment!


  • Frozen Angel
    November 8, 2007
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    This is wonderful! I love how you wrote this story. Keep up the good work!

    *Frozen Angel*


  • crosscountry07 gold member
    October 24, 2007

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    Great! I really like this one! So did this really happen? Because it is such a cute story. Band geeks rock, I am one too. Only I was the colorguard captain. Again great write and good luck! -Liz

    • Nesa Lyrel
      October 24, 2007
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      Well...the competition and the conversations happened...the romance...not so much...it's exaggerated. It's there (at least I think it is), just not as much as I show in the story...

      And the names are changed...just in case someone should happen to know me...

      Go band and guard geeks! (I would LOVE to be in guard, but I like my piccolo too much...)


  • MaMa-2-be-Cindy
    October 23, 2007
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    I like where it has come so far and look forward to the finished product :0
    thank you

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