The southern gate was the least used. It led straight out into the woods. Most people stayed away from the forest; it was said to be cursed and that dark creatures lurked there. The unknown was often frightening, especially to people like those in Madros, who had very little contact with the surrounding world. They made most of what they needed and the rest they traded for when caravans passed by in the spring and autumn.2
***3
Meia picked her way through the muddy streets, careful not to dirty the dress she wore. It was a grey dress made of wool, but unlike those plain ones most of the peasants in town wore, this one was close-cut with intricate patterns sewn into the fabric. She had made it herself. It had taken much time and many stung fingertips, but it was hers. She couldn’t say that about many things. 4
She lived with her mother and father in a little house at the outskirts of the town, close to the southern gate. They weren’t poor, not that, but the times were tough and now her mother was sick so Meia had to earn that money too. Her father worked the fields and couldn’t possibly work any harder; he was already on the verge of a breakdown, working every hour of daylight each day. 5
She had been up to the fort earlier this day and applied for a job – anything that might bring in more than the various tasks she performed now – and she had successfully got employment as a maid in the kitchen. She was to help the chefs with whatever they needed, water carrying, washing the dishes and other simple tasks that needed be done. Hopefully she would eventually rise in the ranks over time and maybe become a waitress. It was happy news to bring home, but she was still in a gloomy mood. 6
She shuddered as she remembered the soldiers at the fort. They were everywhere, and she thought they watched her a little too closely for her to feel at ease. She had heard stories about soldiers using young maids at the fort for their pleasures and she didn’t like the thought. 7
Meia was nineteen years old and had recently begun to view herself as a grown woman. She was very attractive with her dark brown hair, delicate yet strong features and green eyes. She radiated a kind of inner fire that didn’t go unnoticed. People often said it would bring her in trouble one day. They said that she shouldn’t try to appear as more than she was, but Meia didn’t listen to that kind of talk. She was her own and did what she wanted with her life. No one could take that right from her. 8
As she walked the street, deep in thoughts, she didn’t notice the cart with grain until the coachman shouted angrily. Startled she jumped out of the way, but not quick enough. The wheels of the cart rolled through a pool of mud and splashed the rim of her new dress, leaving dark stains. Cursing under her breath, she kneeled to see if it was possible to wipe it off. With a handkerchief she removed most of the dirt, but the stains were still visible. Angry with herself for not paying attention, she prepared to get up and continue home. At the same moment she heard the sound of hooves and rattle of wheels behind her. Afraid it was another cart she tried to jump aside, but by ill fate she slipped in the mud and fell on her side, completely ruining the dress. Desperately she tried to get up to avoid being overrun, but she needn't have worried . The cart had stopped and a young man had jumped down the street. Apparently he had been sitting on the empty boards, taking a lift. He was clad in a deep-green cloak that covered his body, black boots that reached halfway to his knees and black leather gloves. His hair was light brown, bleached by the sun and reached a bit over his ears in unruly waves. A tattoo snaked up the left side of his neck and chin, vividly portraying a rank of vine leaves. He had a worried expression in his blue-green eyes as he approached Meia. 9
“Are you all right?” he said with a concerned voice. “A lucky thing I was facing forward speaking with the coachman. He would have run you over if I hadn’t told him to stop. Has no sense of respect at all that man.” He cast an angry glare at the coach which was already on the way again, taking no notice of them. 10
“Thank you, but I am all right” Meia said, feeling very clumsy as she took his outstretched hand and got up. She noticed he had taken off his glove just to help her up, and for some reason that made her feel very shy and very pleased, both at the same time. She now noticed that the material of his cloak was thick and of high quality, as were his boots and gloves. His wrists were protected by a pair of bracelets made of some strange, shimmering black metal, adorned with red runes. 11
He must be someone of importance to afford such fine things, she thought and felt even shyer. His eyes seemed to pull at her. Insecure she turned down her gaze. 12
“You sure you’re all right?” he asked. 13
“Yes I’m fine, thank you,” she said and felt stupid, as she actually had twisted her ankle in the fall. 14
“Good,” he said. There was an awkward silence as they both looked at each other, not knowing what to say. “Well, I better be off then,” he said, releasing her hand. As he turned to leave, he gave her a smile and made a slight bow. 15
“Good day, miss,” he said, then turned and swiftly walked down a side street. 16
Meia stood there for a while, waiting for him to disappear behind a corner before she tried the foot. God it hurt! She grimaced and took another step, then another. She could walk on it, but just barely. Cursing her bad luck she slowly limped down the street. Images of the young man raced across her mind, mixed with confused feelings. She felt a little sorry she hadn’t told him she was hurt. Perhaps he might have stayed and helped her home. 17
No. Stop that thought right away Meia, she told herself. You can take care of yourself, don’t be such a silly. What would he see in you, an ordinary peasant girl? 18
Her thoughts confused her because she never used to think about herself as ordinary. Once more in deep thoughts, it took her some time to realise that she had taken off at the wrong crossroad and now was on an empty street with a dead end. 19
Damn! she thought. I cannot do anything right today. She turned to trace her way back, but stopped dead in her tracks. Between her and the opening to the street above were three soldiers from the fort. She recognized them instantly. They had been standing at the main gate of the fort earlier this morning while she had walked by in her search for work, making rude comments about her. Later, when she was finished, they had tried to entice her into one of the barracks, but she had only sped up her steps and not answered. Now it seemed that they had followed her through the town and down this alley. 20
“Well, well, well, isn’t it our little angel?” one of them said. “We were so sad you didn’t stay and chat with us, so we decided to come and ask you again.” He smiled a smile that probably was meant to look friendly, but it only made her feel sick. 21
“Now if you are a good girl and follow us up to the fort, we won’t cause any trouble, I promise.” He took a step towards her and reached for her arm, but she backed away. 22
“Now, don’t be silly,” he said, face darkening. He smelled of liquor and sweat. 23
“If you don’t follow us freely, we will make you. The choice is yours.” 24
Meia desperately searched for a way out, but saw none. If she could only reach the street, people would be looking and the soldiers might loose their nerve. Thoughts racing in her head, she saw a gap between two of them and tried to dive through. Once again her foot let her down, and she fell with a yelp of pain in the arms of one of them. 25
She struggled to get free but to no avail. They were big men and hardened by many battles; she was helpless in their arms. She tried to kick the man holding her, but he only laughed and held her on straight arms. With a strength fuelled by panic she dug her nails into his bare hands and tore, leaving deep marks. With a curse he let go of her and clutched at his hands. Finally free, she limped as fast as she could towards the street above, where she could see people walking by. No one looked into the small side alley though, and the street was to far away for her to reach it in time. She opened her mouth to scream, but strong hands grabbed her from behind and gagged her. Other hands tore at her dress, making a long tear over the chest. 26
“You little bitch! You like to play hard catch, eh? Well, try to get out of this one then,” the soldier holding her said as he produced a silver necklace from a pocket and held it in front of her. 27
“You know it is bad to steal, don’t you? And you know what the lord does to thieves too, don’t you?” 28
At first, Meia was confused. What was he talking about? Then she went dead cold as she understood their intentions. The realisation was like a splash of ice-cold water in her face. 29
They were going to accuse her for theft so they could take her up to the fort without problem! And after they had had their fun, they could just turn her in. No one would believe an unimportant girl against three of the lord’s soldiers. She would be whipped at the market, branded and banished from all the lands belonging to Madros. 30
She began to shake uncontrollably as they dragged her up on the street. The soldiers showed the necklace for the curious people and loudly announced that she had stolen it from one of the ladies up in the fort. 31
Whipped and banished! She had to do something!32
With and effort she got up to her feet, and half dragged, half limping she began to scream for help. 33
“It’s not true, I’ve never stolen anything! They’re making it up so they can use me without getting caught! They’re…” She was interrupted by a hard slap in the face. 34
“Quiet, or you will be gagged! Understood?” The soldier gave her a hard yank and the tear at the dress split apart even more, exposing her bosom. The soldier noticed and broke into a hungry grin. “You and I are going to have some fun later,” he whispered in her ear, his bad breath stinging in her nostrils. 35
Meia blinked back the tears that burned and swallowed. She was not going to let them get through with this. But just as she prepared to shout again, another voice rang out over the street, clear as a bell and sharp as a razor. 36
“What is this all about? What has she done?” People turned to see who had spoken. It was a young man in a green cloak. He walked straight head to head with the soldiers, forcing them to stop to avoid colliding with him. 37
“What has she done to deserve this?” he inquired. 38
“Out of the way,” one of the soldiers spat. “This is none of your business.” He appeared to be the leader of the three. Then he seemed to notice the young man’s expensive clothes and regal posture, and he sagged a bit. 39
“I’m making it my business,” the young man said. “Or are you telling me that you have no valid reason to hold her?” His voice was innocent – too innocent – and the soldiers felt it. He looked like a young noble, and they could not risk offending anyone of importance. 40
“If you must know, she has thieved from one of the ladies up in the fort and she is going to be put in court,” the leader said with as much authority as he could muster. 41
“And when did this supposed theft occur?” the man said. 42
“About one hour ago. We tracked her on her way back from the fort and found this on her,” he said, holding up the necklace. 43
By now, a small crowd had assembled around the soldiers, Meia and the man. They murmured at the words from the soldier. It was obvious that she had stolen the necklace; why else would she carry it? She certainly could not afford such an expensive piece of jewellery herself. 44
The man looked at Meia. “Were you at the fort about an hour ago?” he asked softly. His eyes seemed to lay bare her soul. 45
With tears burning down her cheeks, she nodded. The crowds murmur rose to a loud buzz as they started to jeer at her. 46
“But I was only applying for job, I didn’t steal anything,” she pleaded. “You must believe me, I’ve never stolen anything, I swear!” 47
“Quiet!” the leader snapped and backhanded her in the face. The eyes of the young man flashed with anger, but he remained where he was. 48
“As you hear, she admits she was at the fort. She will admit the crime too, eventually,” the leader said with a sneer. “Now step aside or we will arrest you too.” They were getting bolder, bolstered by the exited crowd. 49
If the man was scared by the words, he didn’t show it. Instead he crossed his arms and stood his ground. 50
“You must excuse me, but I do not believe your story. Just because she was at the fort at the time of a crime doesn’t mean she committed it. You could just as well have brought that necklace with you to accuse her.” The faces of the soldiers darkened, and they seemed a bit uneasy by the man’s line of thoughts. 51
“In fact, I must insist that you release her immediately,” the young man said. “I vouch for her innocence.” The murmur from the crowd rose even more. To vouch for someone was very uncommon. The practise meant that if there ever stood word against word in court, someone could vouch for the innocence of the suspected. If many did it, the judge might declare the suspected innocent. However, if it was later proved beyond question that the suspected really was guilty of crime, everyone who’d vouched would be given the same sentence. Hence, the practice was seldom used, and never like this. 52
The man glared at the soldiers who seemed taken aback by his words. Then the leader seemed to remember that people were watching, and he barked out an order. The soldier holding Meia produced a pair of rusty irons from his belt and secured her hands to a cart standing at the wall of a house. Then he joined his comrades who were advancing on the man. 53
“We will give you one last chance. Step aside now or you will be arrested.”54
“As I said, I still insist you release her. I will give you one last chance,” he said, mimicking the words with a mocking voice. Meia wondered if he had some kind of death wish, annoying Lord Tamariel’s soldiers like this. 55
At a nod from the leader, one of the soldiers rushed at the man, intending to catch him unaware. What he caught instead was empty air. The man had moved at the last possible instant, spinning around and away from the soldier and at the same time giving him a kick in the back so that he stumbled face first in the ground. 56
The other two didn’t need more encouraging. They drew their swords and split apart, advancing on the man from opposite sides at the same time as the first solder got up to his feet and drew his sword, now behind the man. 57
He was surrounded on three sides, and still he made no move to draw a weapon or run. He just stood there, completely at ease. The soldiers advanced slowly, now on their guard, not knowing what their opponent was capable of. At a sign from the leader they all rushed at the man, striking from different angles. The first sword thrust he easily sidestepped, grabbing the soldier by the wrist, but instead of trying to block the thrust he just spun around with it, increasing its momentum. The heavily overbalanced soldier stumbled past and crashed into his companion, who was attacking from the opposite side. With a clank of metal they fell to the ground, swearing. 58
The third soldier, who mere moments ago had been behind the young man, was now facing him square on. The soldier came in with a heavy overhand chop which Meia thought the young man couldn’t possibly avoid. He didn’t even try; he just put up an arm and blocked the blade on his metal bracelet, slapping it harmlessly aside while he gave the soldier a heavy punch in the face, breaking his nose. 59
The soldier staggered backwards, clutching his face and groaning. By now the other two were up on their feet again and came at the man with furious rage, stabbing and chopping at his back, but to no avail. He anticipated the attack and just fell to the ground, rolled under their blades and kicked one of them in the groin, while tripping the other one with his hands. As they again fell to the ground, this time more groaning than swearing, he deftly rolled to his feet and waited for the next attack. 60
“You’d better stop, otherwise you’ll hurt yourself,” he said with a laugh. His breathing wasn’t even laboured. 61
The leader gave him a look so full of hatred it could have set wet firewood ablaze, but instead of attacking he reached to his belt and produced a curved horn. He blew two sharp notes that vibrated along the street while he replaced the horn at his belt. 62
“You’re in deep over your head, boy,” he said with an evil sneer. “That horn calls for the soldiers of this town. In a minute you’ll be facing ten more of us.”63
Until now, the young man had looked calm, almost friendly, as if this was nothing to get upset about, but now his features darkened. 64
“Remember, you brought this upon yourselves,” he said in a low voice. “You leave me no option but to hurt you seriously.” He almost sounded sad as he said this, but his face told otherwise. Meia thought he looked wilder than before, as if an inner fire had been lit. The tattoo on his chin seemed to glow softly. 65
With feline graze he suddenly moved at the soldiers, building up momentum as he took two running steps, dove to a roll and came up with a long dagger in each hand. He stabbed the first surprised soldier in the thigh, almost severing the big muscle in two. With a cry of pain the soldier fell to the ground, clutching his bleeding leg while the young man spun around and kicked out at the other two soldiers who came to their comrade’s rescue. The boot caught one of them in the chest; Meia could hear bone cracking and the man fell backwards, gulping for air. The last soldier came in with a battle cry that sounded more like a yelp of fear than fearsome. He slashed with his sword but it was intercepted by a dagger, the other blade caught him in the shoulder and he released the sword with a cry. Not missing a heartbeat the young man hit the soldier in the temple with the dagger hilt, knocking him to the ground. 66
It was over in the matter of a few seconds; one soldier bled from a deep cut in his thigh and another gulped for air with cracked ribs as the third lay unconscious on the ground, bleeding from his right shoulder. 67
With quick steps the young man walked over to Meia and reached behind her. There was a faint crack and she felt the irons fall off her wrists. Disbelieving, she looked down at the twisted pieces of metal at her feet. The man followed her gaze and gave her a sly wink as he wiped the rust from his palms. Then he unclasped the brooch holding his cloak together and draped it around her shoulders instead, shielding her exposed skin from view. The cloak was far too big for her and the hem dragged several inches in the mud. Stammering out an apology she tried to return the cloak, but he only smiled and shook his head. She felt her face go red as she realized she had been standing half naked on the street, and she pulled it closer around her. He gently secured it with the brooch. It was shaped as a green leaf with a sword on top, almost as a coat of arms. She hadn’t noticed it before, as it blended well with the colour of the cloak, but now she was acutely aware of it. She had seen it once before, or one like it anyway, on a picture at the spring festival when she was nine. A pair of storytellers had been in town, and she had gone there with her father to listen. They had told many fantastic stories, of dragons and elves, rich dwarf kings and big battles, but one story she remembered more clearly than all the others. 68
It was the story about the druids, the legendary warriors of old. They wandered the land, fought evil forces and lived in harmony with nature. They were said to possess special powers unknown even to the wizards, and they were supposed to be just as skilled fighters as the elves. The storyteller had shown a picture of a brooch just like the one now attached to her shoulder and claimed that it was the sign of a druid. The leaf stood for the nature he’d said, the force of the living that they so cherished, and the sword stood for their call to protect it. As he finished the story, he had eyed the audience sternly and told them, with a dramatic voice, that to anger a druid was to anger the Mother Nature herself. No one knew exactly what powers they possessed, but it was said that an entire village had been swallowed in a flooding river after angering a passing druid. 69
Meia stared at the young druid. Underneath his cloak he wore a slim black leather outfit that followed his contours, revealing a slender body. A leather cuirass with the leaf and sword on the chest covered his torso, and leather greaves protected his thighs. A belt was strapped around his waist and across his shoulders, carrying a slightly curved sword on his back. He carried a small dagger in each boot; the long ones he’d used against the soldiers were sheathed and strapped on his thighs. In his belt he wore several throwing stars, as well as a couple of small pouches with unknown content. 70
The druid looked at the assembled people and with an ice-cold voice he addressed the now very quiet crowd. 71
“If anyone so much as blinks in the wrong direction, I will not hesitate to kill every last one of you. This girl is under my protection, what you do against her you also do against me. Is that clear?” 72
No one answered. 73
“I said, is that clear?” He reached for one of his daggers. A murmur of agreement arose from the crowd as they backed away. The druid turned to Meia and gave her a wink, indicating the crowd. She understood that he had not been serious about starting to kill of people on the street. Not too serious at least. 74
“You better hurry home,” he said to her. “The soldiers will be here any time now. Please, tell me where you live so I can find you again.” 75
“At the southern gate, close to the old pottery,” she said, too shocked and frightened to disobey. “Ask for Elvira, that’s my mother. She is a herbalist.” He nodded that he had heard and understood. She turned to hurry home, but a needle of pain shot through her ankle and she would have fallen if he hadn’t caught her. 76
“You are hurt,” he said, worried. “Where?”77
“It’s my ankle,” she said. “I twisted it while trying to get away from the cart.”78
“I see,” he said. “May I have a look?”79
As she nodded, he went down on a knee and lifted her dress a bit, revealing a blue and swollen right ankle. With a soft hand he rubbed the swollen area, sending a tingling sensation through her skin. Almost instantly she began to feel better, and as she put weight on her right leg, the pain was almost gone. That must have been magic, Meia thought. The thought was both exciting and frightening. 80
“Now you won’t be troubled by that anymore,” he said with a quick smile as he rose to his feet again. Gently he brushed aside some stray hairs from her cheek and rested his fingertips on her cracked lips. They too tingled faintly and then the pain faded away. Looking almost a little shy, he withdrew his hand and turned serious once more. 81
“Now, you must hurry home. I will meet you there. Don’t stop or talk to anyone.”82
“But the soldiers...” she said, indicating the alarm that could be heard further up the street. 83
“Don’t worry, I will take care of them,” he said, face grim. “Now go, or they will catch you.” 84
As Meia turned and hurried down the street, people backed away to let her pass as if she was a poisonous snake. When finally away from the crowd she broke into a run, keeping to the side of the street to avoid drawing too much attention to herself. Just before she rounded a corner she heard shouts and the clang of steel against steel from where the fight had been. Someone screamed in pain. Her stomach knotted together in fear. Stop worrying about him and concentrate on your own situation, Meia! He can take care of himself; you saw what he did to those soldiers. 85
She hurried down a short side street, taking a shortcut to the southern gate. As she came out on the other side, she slowed down to a fast walk, not wanting to draw unnecessary attention to her. 86
Five minutes later she turned in on the street leading to her house, trying to look casual even though her head was buzzing with questions and her stomach was knotted in fear. 87
As she got up to her door, she looked over her shoulder to check if she was watched, but she saw no one. Finally inside, the strength suddenly left her and she sank down to the floor. No longer managing to hold back the tears, a sob left her throat. Sitting there on the floor crying, she didn’t notice her mother at the table, weakly trying to sort through some of herbs. If not prepared in time they would loose their medical worth and thus not bring any money. 88
Now she tried to get up, startled as she was to see her daughter in such a state. She eyed the too large and seemingly very expensive cloak she was draped in. 89
“Meia, what has happened?” she asked in a weak but concerned voice. 90
Meia made a start. 91
“What are you doing out of bed?” she said, her own fears suddenly gone. “You need to rest or you won’t get well.” 92
Her mother gave a faint smile and sank back onto the bench. “I am a healer, I know my limits. Sitting at a table is not a difficult task,” she said, but her pale face betrayed her. “Now, come here and tell me, what has happened to leave you in a state like this? And from where did you get that cloak?” She patted on the bench beside her, motioning for Meia to sit down. 93
As Meia got up from the floor the cloak slid apart, revealing her torn dress. Her mother inhaled sharply. 94
“Good heavens, what has happened to you?”95
As Meia sat down, she took a shaking breath and began to tell her mother about her day, beginning with her arriving at the fort in the morning and all that had followed. Her mother let her speak uninterrupted all the way to the part where the soldiers had trapped her in the alley. 96
“Oh my poor girl,” she said, embracing Meia whose tears had started to flow anew as she relived the memory. 97
“Please continue,” her mother said as the sobbing ebbed out. “I fear this is not the end of it.” 98
So Meia told her about the druid who had come to her help, about the fight and how she had fled just before the reinforcements arrived. 99
“And that is when I arrived here,” she finished. “He said he would come here afterwards, but I fear he might have been captured by the soldiers,” she added with concern.
Author notes
This is the first story in English I ever wrote. Besides boring assignments in school, of course. 
EDIT 2009-02-21
Finally edited all the things I've got comments about. I thought I had done this long ago, but apparently not.
EDIT 2007-11-14
I edited a few things, like commas, the flow of a few sentences and such. I also changed the original "ranger" to "druid".
Some elaboration has been done at a few parts too, to better show the moods of the soldiers when meeting the druid, for instance.
A contest entry
- Come one! Come all! by Forsaken Unicorn.
225 points, ended November 19, 2007, 19 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
English is not my native language so I'd appreciate comments about grammar ;)
Comments
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I saw a copule of mistakes, and a few grammar words. It made me wonder if english was your native language; but I wasnt keeping track- and now I forgot where it was.
Great story! But then I love anything fantasy wise. -
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Hey, you really are intent on reading all my work. I'm flattered.
I promise to read more from you myself. Just need the time to find the time.
You are right, English is not my native language. Swedish is. This particular part is the first serious attempt I ever made to write fiction in English.
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sounds brilliant! i can't wait to hear more from you!
The detail in your work is incredible and the fighting scene was excellent as well!
well done

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A great start to what sounds like an epic story! I like your version of druids - not altogether the cliche hooded old men lol. You have a great eye for detail in your writing, and a lovely and smooth narrative voice. I was impressed by your fight scene as well - it was vivid enough to give the reader a precise image of the action without making it hard to follow or losing any of the urgency. Nicely done!
I kept track of a few things that caught my attention while reading - small typos and the like, mostly. They are presented below as a list, if you are interested:
* "hill that made it worthy of the higher status" - the word "of" makes if flow better than without.
* "many week's travel away" needs a possessive apostrophe.
* In your second paragraph, I'm not sure that you need the phrase "But on the other hand" for this to make sense. Just a thought.
* I really like the first paragraph after the prologue.
* "applied for jobs" with an s or "applied for a job" - whichever is more appropriate.
* "with her dark brown hair swell" - I'm not sure what purpose the word swell has in this sentence, but it seems to me that it's not needed.
* "but she needn't have had to worry." Simpler put, you could say "she needn't have worried."
* "vividly picturing a rank of vine leaves" I wonder if portraying might work better than picturing in this case...hm...
* You will need a comma after "Thank you but I am alright" - part of dialog etiquette.
Same with "Yes, I'm fine thank you," "Good," and "Good day miss." And any other dialog for that matter, throughout the story lol. If there is something like a he said or she exclaimed after the dialog, it needs a comma inside (not outside) the quotation marks.
* "Stop that thoughts right away" - either change throughs to thought, or change that to those. Silly plural agreements...English is a silly language.
* Maybe this is an uninformed question...why would the soldiers want to bring her back to the fort if they planned on taking advantage of her? What's wrong with the grass right there? I mean there's less chance of someone finding them and coming to her rescue that way, right? Just musing...
* "His voice vas innocent" - vas should be was.
* I think "secured her hands to a cart" might sound better than "in a cart."
* "The leader soldier" - "the lead soldier"?
* "lived in harmony with the nature." - I believe the word "the" is unnecessary in this sentence.
* "The storyteller had showed a picture" - either "had shown" or just "showed" would be more grammatically correct...passive voice is a pain sometimes lol.
* "If anyone as much as blink in the wrong direction" - maybe "If anyone so much as blinks in the wrong direction" instead.
* "to shocked and frightened" - should be too instead of to.
* "the cloak split apart" makes it sound a bit like it ripped. Maybe something more along the lines of "the cloak fluttered open" would work? Just a thought.
Overall, I very much enjoyed the read. You have excellent characters - but I don't even know the druid's name yet! lol. Anyways, best of luck in continuing this. It has a lot of excellent potential.
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Wow! Once again a very thorough and constructive comment from you! Thanks!
I shall definitely look into all those grammatical errors. I really appreciate you taking your time to point them out, as well as all those general tips. Hopefully I will manage better in the future, following those guidelines.
Oops, “hair swell” appears to be a direct translation from a Swedish expression, apparently it doesn’t work in English. It’s really good you pointed it out; it is mistakes like that that I’m afraid to do most of all, writing complete gibberish.
“Flow of hair” should probably come close to it, but I’ll just remove it instead. Like you say, it’s not needed.
As to why the soldiers decide to taker Meia back to the fort is that there is really no place in the town where they would be undisturbed. It’s just shops or living quarters. They are not so far from the fort either, she hadn’t come very far. But that is of course impossible for the reader to know. I need to clarify that part.
Your right about that cloak thing, but I think fluttered makes it feel like it’s being caused by the wind. How do you feel about “slid apart”?
Hehe, it presented a lot of trouble to write that action scene without naming the druid, or being able to call him druid at all for that matter. It became a lot of “young man”
As for the name, you’ve already read about him in my other story, ‘Prologue’. He’s the baby that’s found in the burning house, Nárhin being his name. This story ‘Meia’ is just a chapter far ahead (20 years or so) into the main story, even though it was the first part I wrote.
I have some – I hope – unique ideas about the druids and the origin of the elves (which are connected) as well as the system of the magic. For instance, humans are an older race then the elves… now how’s that for a twist?
Perhaps I’ll compile a text about all this, like a history book in the story that one of the characters could read at some point.
Anyways, this had nothing with this particular part to do, so I’ll stop rambling. Thanks again for your thoughts, they’re very valuable!
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I think slid apart would work wonderfully. And you definitely should take advantage of the fact that you know your world well enough to write a history about it lol. I have a glossary that goes with one of my books, to help readers (and me!) keep things straight, and I'm considering starting one for Ironink as well, though it's not that complicated yet. An entire history, though, would be extremely impressive. Glad you find my comments useful!
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i really enjoyed reading this, but I wouldn't suggest it to any younger folk due to some...factors. Yet it is still very good. Good Luck!
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Right from the first paragraph, I was captured! Amazing details and description!
Ah, I see your story also contains a frightening forest! They're so popular and easy to use, aren't they?
I can visualize Meia's dress, you described it beautifully. Her background was sad but not too sad, a perfect dose of sympathy.
You have very good flow, and the only problems I can see is that you forget commas in some places. Please post the next part soon, I'm looking forward to it!
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Thank you for the kind words!
Well I had some ideas of them escaping through the forest, which would make the soldiers hesitant to follow. Superstitions can be useful.
I noticed now that some parts which should have been cursive were not… hmm, I’ve got to fix that. All Meia’s thoughts were cursive; I’ve seen that convention in several books and thought it was a good way to symbolize thoughts. I’m not that skilled with all the edit tools yet.
Commas, yes, they’re always difficult, even in Swedish. ;P I’ll keep it in mind to pay extra attention to them while writing.
This really boosted me to keep on writing, yeay!
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