It was nearing dusk when they stopped for camp. The sky had turned pale rose and the crickets had taken up their nightly song. The forest around became quiet as the evening wore on. An occasional owl hooted in greeting the night. The horses whined and nickered giving the night a serene and peaceful air.1
Siren sat next to Darion during the evening meal of dried meat and fruit. Angel had wandered off in search of a game of cat and mouse. One of her more primal urges she confessed. They had chanced a fire, for the air had taken on a chilly breeze. 2
In the light of the fire Siren studied Darion. His face was streaked with dirt, as were his clothes. On his face was a worried look. The light danced across his clothes giving them an animated look and his hands turned his knife over and over.3
“What is worrying you so Darion?” She took her hand and laid it on his arm.4
He looked up from staring at the fire. “I’m not sure what I’m doing here. My father sent me along to represent the family, but I think it was to be rid of me for awhile.” He said sadly. “I don’t have any skills besides sword play. I’ve not been in combat. I feel so useless.” He got up and stomped into the darkness.5
Siren stared after him wondering if she should go with him. But she didn’t think she could say anything to help him. 6
“Leave him.” Commanded a deep gruff voice across the fire. “He’s right you know. He’ll really be of no help on this mission.” Siren recognized the voice to be Aromus. 7
"I’ve trained him since he was old enough to hold a sword and he’s not very skilled.”8
“But why would his father send him if he is to be no use to us?” She asked, not quite sure if she should be involved in this conversation. 9
Older Went looked across the light at her and studied her with intense eyes, as if he to was asking the same question she herself had just voiced. “His brother Derry is no better than he is, so I suppose the Leader picked the lesser of two evils.”10
“There must be more,” she said into the fire.11
Older Went wandered off into the night leaving Siren alone to think. The night had taken on a chill but it felt peaceful to her. The song of the creatures soothed her tattered nerves and lured her into a tranquil trance. The light of the fire danced before her eyes as the logs crackled and sizzled. 12
Out beyond the firelight Siren caught glimpses of the men who took up watch. Abstract shapes lurking out of reach of the lights touch. She left the fire's warmth and wandered down to the creek that snuck past the camp like a feather floating on the air. As she got closer she could hear it gurgling over rocks. Siren paused on a small bank and reached to wet her hand. She ran her hand a crossed the back of her neck, relishing the cool feel on her skin. She didn’t know what to think about Darion. He seemed so lost to her. Coming a crossed someone who wasn’t confident in himself, it was new to her. Everyone she had come in contact with was strong and self-assured. Siren was baffled and she didn’t know how to help him. 13
“You should not be out here by yourself, my lady.” A voice startled her.14
Glancing around she found herself face to face with Crispin. “I was only out here for a moment,” she said irritated. She turned again to the water running her hands over her arms with more of the water. “Is there something you need from me?” 15
Crispin walked over and sat beside her. He stared at the deep blue sky as the stars winked at him. “No, I wanted to make sure you were alright. Not that I thought you couldn’t handle yourself if trouble came looking.”16
For a time they sat in silence. Content with each other’s company. Finally she turned to him. “Tell me why poor Darion is with us.”17
He didn’t say anything at first. After some thought, “His father, thought that we needed someone to represent the family with us. Darion is the better of the two brothers and he did volunteer.”18
“I sat with him earlier and I don’t think he feels he is needed here. He actually said that he wasn’t. I feel that there is a lot of desperation living inside that poor man.”19
“You’re probably right but I don’t see what I or anyone can do about it. Lets just hope that he isn’t called upon to do a task that he cannot handle.”20
“That is not a kind thing to say about him.” She was angered by the comment. “I hope he proves you wrong!” She dusted herself off and stormed away leaving Crispin to gasp after her.21
Angel appeared beside her as she tromped through the grass towards the camp. “What he said is true.”22
“Who asked you?” Siren snapped.23
“Being rude to me will not make you feel better.”24
Siren stopped to scoop Angel up. “I’m sorry. I just don’t see why everyone is against the poor man.” She tucked Angel under her arm and scratched her behind her ears.25
“Not everyone is. You and his father are on his side.” She purred.26
“You’re right. He’s a quiet fellow but I think he’ll do fine.” She had made it back to the camp and saw that Darion had returned also. His face still wore a worried look but he had washed the grime away. The others of the camp, besides the watch had already turned in for the night. 27
Darion looked up and gave her a weak smile. “Tomorrow will be better.” With that he also drew his blanket around him.
“Come Angel it’s our turn.”
Author notes
UGH!!! Do you think I need this part. I wanted to show some of the other players in the story, but didn't want to wait until the battle scene. What do you think?
Edited 3/5/08
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wow I loved this-- ive always wondered how you wrote.. I likes the way you wrote this and your character stabilization is suberb please write more.. I shall book mark you !!!
********** ten stars blair -
I really like how this was written. The style is crisp and the dialogue rings true. Also, the descriptions wer very picturesque, allowing the reader to see what you had intended.
Do not be down on yourself - this is the good stuff.
The first two paragraphs start this chapter in a good, solid direction.
[On his face was a worried look. The light danced across his clothes giving
them an animated look and his hands turned his knife over and over.] --> On his face was a worried look. The light danced across his clothes making them appear animated and his hands turned his knife over and over.
* eliminated the usage of the word 'look' in the third sentence, as it was just used in the second sentence.
“I’m not sure what I’m doing here. My father sent me a long to represent the family, but I think it was to be rid of me for awhile.” --> “I’m not sure what I’m doing here. My father sent me along to represent the family, but I think it was to be rid of me for awhile.”
[“But why would his father send him if he to be no use to us?”] --> “But why would his father send him if he is to be of no use to us?”
[She asked not quite sure if she should be involved in this conversation.] --> she asked, not quite sure if she should be involved in this conversation.
[Older Went looked across the light at her and studied her with intense eyes, as if he to was asking the same question she herself had just voiced.] --> Older Went looked across the light at her and studied her with intense eyes, as if he too was asking the same question she herself had just voiced.
[There must be more.” She said into the fire.] --> There must be more,” she said into the fire.
[Out beyond the firelight Siren caught glimpses of the men who took up watch. Abstract shapes lurking out of reach of the lights touch.] --> Out beyond the firelight Siren caught glimpses of the men who took up watch, abstract shapes lurking out of reach of the light's touch.
[She ran her hand a crossed the back of her neck, relishing the cool feel on her skin.] --> She ran her hand across the back of her neck, relishing the cool feel on her skin.
[Coming a crossed someone who wasn’t confident in himself, it was new to her.] --> Coming acrossed someone who wasn’t confident in himself, it was new to her.
[“I was only out here for a moment.” She said irritated.] --> “I was only out here for a moment,” she said irritated.
*When you place a speech tag after dialogue you need to replace the period with a comma (other punctuation remains as is). You also do not capitalize the first word of the speach tag.*
[“You’re probably right but I don’t see what I or anyone can do about it.] --> “You’re probably right but I don’t see what I nor else anyone can do about it.
[The others of the camp, besides the watch had already turned in for the night.] --> The others of the camp, besides the watch, had already turned in for the night.
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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you keep a constant flow in the story, i can't comment much since i haven't read the other parts, but this story i can tell their is a lot of depth and emotions. Good job
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I read the first one of this series. I guess I'm a little behind. lol. Well, because I didn't read the others it's a little confusing to me but pay no mind to that.
I found the flow very good, emotion and depth were what I noticed most. Though short, it was definatly a very well crafted piece. I don't have much smarts on errors and stuff, I didn't see any and didn't really have the time to notice them.
(I was caught up in your story.) lol.
Great Job! Can't wait to read more!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Incomplete?
Siren is the principle character. She seems sympathetic toward Darien.
Everyone else says a few words, generally against Darien, and wanders off.
Question raised is why Darien is along. No clear answer is provided.
This chapter doesn’t seem to stand alone.
The dialog seems normal and the scene descriptions are good.
Not having read the previous chapters may be my problem..
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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I think you could crank up the description in this as far as the setting goes, and there were a couple of tiny grammatical things to pick at, but overall, this is an engaging and well written piece. Not the fare I usually enjoy reading so much, but it held my attention throughout.
I was a little confused by all of the characters, but I know that this story is intended as a chapter and I haven't read the rest, so it may make perfect sense and I'm just a bad reader. (Likely)
As far as grammar goes, the main thing I can grouch about it commas in your dialogue. There seems to be a few pauses missing that would help the flow a lot-saying the dialogue sentences to yourself will help in finding where those pauses should go.
Last grammar-thing: She dusted herself off and stormed away leaving Crispin to gasp after her.
I think you meant "gape" instead of "gasp", since gape makes a lot more sense and doesn't look odd in the sentence.
Hope this helps! -
Hmmm...I wonder if you could sprinkle this into the other chapters to show the development of Darion and remove this all together. I'm guessing that's what you're meaning, yes?
IF, the characters you are showing more of here are integral to upcoming parts, then by all means it is needed. Otherwise, it may be easier to have this conversation earlier when they begin their journey. Would their not be discussion by some of the others as to why Darion is on this trip?
Just a thought....
I still diggin' the story though! LOL I"m very interested to see where the conflict is though...
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Good
This is the fourth Chapter? Just say chapter four... You did a great job here. I am not sure what the mission is because I have read two chapters.
Nobody likes to get bad reviews... LOL
I like how you painted the scenes before the characters started speaking.
Here are nits and my suggestions for you:
It (was nearing dusk) when they stopped for camp.
* was and words with ing are a passive voice, You want an active voice.
try: Dusk had come...
Siren sat next to Darion during the evening meal of dried meat and fruit.
*show the food, use your five senses.
“I’m not sure what I’m doing here. My father sent me a long to represent the family, but I think it was to be rid of me for awhile.” (He said sadly.)
* show being sad
Siren stared after him wondering if she should go with him. But she didn’t think she could say anything to help him.
*your telling... show the reader
Older Went looked across the light at her and studied her with intense eyes, as if he to (was asking) the same question she herself had just voiced.
*asked
The night had taken on a chill but it (felt)peaceful to her.
*felt is telling, show your reader.
He didn’t say anything at (first.) After some (thought,)
*first,
*thought. Not a dialogue tag.
You did a great job on this chapter. I was pulled into your story. All I really see are tiny errors that can be fix.
We all make errors in writing... You see my chapter 4! It is full of them...
If you have any questions just send me a message,
Lynn
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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“Leave him.” Commanded a deep gruff
this should have a comma after him since it's followed by a mode of speech. If it's followed by an action then you'd use a fullstop.
She asked not quite sure if she should be involved in this conversation
comma after asked.
The story is going along well. Your dialogue is well done. Aside from grammatical errors, the story is really good. I look forward to reading more. Keep it up.
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