www. Heaven @ Attention: Gene

Gene,

I heard you calling me, again today. I heard your whisper in the wind, beckoning me to join you.

I know you know I'd trade my every breath to the very last, just so you'd have one more.

God knows, I miss you with every fiber of my aching body.

I love you more than any words could ever possibly explain.

I feel you watching me and know you're near, but not near enough.

My body aches for your touch, my heart is past breaking and now continues to beat only for the love of our two children.

Every morning without you causes intense physical pain, every night is filled with waking nightmares leaving me in agony, afraid to sleep.

Oh my love it would be so easy to join you in that other place, but for the children we chose to bring into this ugly world.

I am so torn most of the time, I find myself daydreaming of the how, where, when and why.
Maybe an overdose, something painless, somewhere private.

Then I think of the pain that our children would endure.

Thinking of their tears and how alone that would leave them I quickly change my mind.

I hate the misery that has taken your place.

I hate the emptiness of my soul.

I hate crying everytime I am alone.

Were you there when the kids and I drove past the old Food Pavillion? Could you tell I was thinking of a time when we were shopping? Silly huh, who would think such a memory could cause such a moment. Did you see how clever I've become at hiding my breakdowns and swallowing my pain?

Thinking of ways to get quickly away from our children so I can cry into my hands without causing concern for them.

I even laughed a little when I thought of how pathetic I must seem to a passer by.

There are so many moments, so many memories, so much pain.

Baby, I would love to join you. If it were only a matter of you and me, you know I'd have been there long ago.

I can't leave our kids alone in this world, I love them too much as I know you do too.

Because of you I have them in my life.

Because of you I have a reason to stay.

Because of you I have a reason to go.

I am so confused, I try not to think of tomorrow and what my choice may be then.

But babe today I choose to stay, for them.

I have to end this letter now, the kids keep coming in. It's time to go to bed anyway.

I hope tonight I cry myself to sleep, instead lying awake, crying into your pillow.

Forever and Always Your Loving Wife,

Nicole Marie

P.S. Please come to me in my dreams! Please show me a sign! Please Please Please help guide our children to the road that will bring them love and light!

I Love you...