PROLOGUE:1
In the middle of the forest, sitting on the bank of a creek, sat a fifteen-year-old girl. Her faded red sweatshirt and worn blue jeans were camouflaged against the backdrop of crunchy autumn leaves. Cold mud seeped into the seat of her jeans, but she didn’t get up.2
A tall, dark-haired boy watched from across the creek, partly hidden by a tree. He saw the tears tumbling down her face and was mystified. He had seen her before, in the same clearing by the creek.3
On that night, his father had been on another drunken warpath. The boy had slipped out the back door and jogged to his haven, only to find it inhabited. She was a beautiful girl with resplendent coffee-colored skin and silky jet black hair barely bundled into a drooping messy bun. But her beauty wasn't what fascinated him.4
She stood in the middle of the clearing across the creek, not far from where she was sitting now, thinking too hard to notice him. He had slipped partway behind a tree; the same one he was leaning against now.5
She had paced in tight, closed circles, muttering to herself and winding a loose tendril around her finger absent-mindedly. He knew he should go back home before his father missed him. But he didn’t. The girl was too captivating.6
She had stopped pacing and stood still, full of charged energy, clearly on the brink of expression. He waited, unintentionally holding his breath. She started to dance, marking the steps. Gradually, she imersed herself in the movement, and her body became an intricate interpreter of music he couldn’t hear, but could almost feel.7
Now she sat on the edge of the stream, crying. Where was the creature who danced through the trees with the moon as her spotlight? 8
Just a moment more, and he would have stepped into the clearing. He didn’t know what he would have said or done, but she didn’t give him the chance to find out. She rose fluidly, and walked away, wiping her eyes and brushing her hands on her jeans. She disappeared from sight.
Author notes
Option #4
HitmanShah, my name is beezy92 and I should win because you want me to. I feel conceited giving any other reason. (=
There are two more parts (Haven [Part 2] http://storywrite.com/story/118963
Haven [Part 3] http://storywrite.com/story/120425)
A contest entry
- "Falling" in love and other options by Lady-Jane.
225 points, ended November 14, 2007, 24 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - And They All Lived Happily Ever After? Yeah, Right. by abba12.
175 points, ended October 31, 2007, 44 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - My Contest, My Rules by EnemyOfAll.
250 points, ended December 9, 2007, 37 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Join a book! by Olinda.
230 points, ended November 14, 2007, 17 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything and Everything by Frozen Angel.
225 points, ended November 8, 2007, 36 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - anything decent less than 600 words. by Anonymous Shadow.
100 points, ended January 24, 2008, 26 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - CLOSED FOR JUDGIND AND FIREFIGHTING by Shah Z.
130 points, ended April 23, 2008, 20 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Try this thing! by Infectious Insanity.
297 points, ended April 6, 2008, 3 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Good Writing by checkmate-.
600 points, ended April 25, 2008, 11 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think?
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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Wow! This is really, really good. I want to read the rest of it now! I could find no errors. It has a lot of description and emotion. I have no suggestions. Keep writing, good luck, and thanks for entering!
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this is really good, but im not sure if it fits all of the categories. Good work for writing such a great story!
good luck in all the contsests
Me.
j'adore My Chemical Romance -
Not my type of thing but I can see it very very well written. These sort of things don't mesmerize as they do to so many people. A am bit emotionless at times. But I liked the description an the style. I thing we could find a place in the finalist list for this.
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This story has great description which is a major plus. Thanks so much for entering my contest!
*Frozen Angel* -
really good
I really like this! The emotion is good, but it's kinda rushed. You don't list what happens. Okay... she dances, then what? She wipes her eyes and leaves?? Please.. add a little more. Otherwise, fantastic!! -
keep going with this idea please! I like it very much. It kind of reminds me of the relationship between two characters in the movie "Take the Lead." but anyway I love the imagry too. Great job!
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You have a good start here, I would keep going with this. You have a good sense of discription, although I would make it a bit more clear when he was thinking about the first time he saw her. Keep up the good work, and good luck in the contest.
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I LOVE HOW YOU WROTE THIS...the imagary .. the setting the tone the plot everything ... it was a masterpeice.. one I would wnt framed and haning above my mantle peice to remind me of what a talented writer I was... and you are that talented writer....
********** stars xoxox -
that was well written.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, characters: 3.
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Wow, that was very cool. My friend blackcatsnoo recommended this and I'm glad she did because its so good
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OH MY GOSH!!
Hell! That is really good! Are you going to write more? Please do! It would be great to read another chapter of this! I would definately read it!! Good luck in the contest you have entered and I hope you win lots of points!
Freddii -
An excellent start, please keep it up! You have set a fantastic scene and opened up so many possible places to go from here. Looking forward to reading more!
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Wow loving this! Really intriguing start and I'm looking forward to seeing the next parts, so message me when you put it up please. As for the start, it has really set the scene for what I hope will be a fantastic story! Good job and I promise you a more in-deph comment later when I see the rest
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, characters: 4.
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Nice Picture,,,Photo Op,,,but....
I think you need more. You need to elaborate on the conflict, the characters the POV, add a symbol of some substance...and resolution of your conflict...brought about by some epiphany...and a resulting truth left to your character and your reader. AND...what is your theme? What is it you wish to impart to your reader...beyond this little sketch? Because...so far...this is all you have. AND...you could have more. Nicely written...so far! Stretchhhhhhhhhhhhhh
GA -
Beautifully written. The content it not particularly original and you have a couple of SNAFU's that people below have mentioned, but I see the beginnings of an arresting and gorgeous story.
Of course, with the quality of the writing that I see from this alone, I want to try and challenge you to think out of the box on this one. Really try to capture your characters and their surroundings. Deal with the emotional aspects. Make sure you dot your i's and cross your t's (the spoiler with the two different outfits, changing the perspective without warning, etc).
You have a good vocabulary and clearly you know how to use it. Fix the mistakes that the other people have outlined (easy enough) and then really think about a specific message you want to send. Right now, you're sending a very typical message, but I see a potential in you that you could REALLY expand on.
(By the way, my reviews are never this nice, so this is very sincere...)
Good job on this, and keep up the good work. -
Oooo good start. This isnt much of a love story yet.. but i know it could be soon. I would really love to hear more. Only one issue: You said she had jeans on, then shorts, then jeans... im a bit confused.... Besides that, good work and good luck..
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Can't wait to find out what happens, especially what "he" is doing.
Good job describing the scene, you can tell where they are exactly without making the sentences boring.
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I think it's a great prologue... I also think you were right on track with the descriptive words.... not too many, not too few.... you were able to set a scene that is visible, but you still left a little to the imagination. I would like to see what comes next here, too. You've got me wondering what has this girl so upset, and whether the boy will continue to hide and watch, or if he will try to talk to her. I'll be looking for the continuation.
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Good start of a story
Your descriptions are good. Paragraph 3 had me confused of who was who. I liked the mystery behind it. I think you should continue with this plot it has many possibilities.
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huh, this is cool. give me a minute. one thing that was a little confusing was the "drunken warpath" it took me a few reads to figure it out.
also, be careful not to use too many descriptive words. it sounds really cool if you use a few, but not to many.
and also, the last sentence (i think) should be "then disappeaRED" intsead of ING. that's all. this was really cool bee.
~wit
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I agree with hiGh-on-happYness. I can't quite find the words. Great Job.
Keep Writing.
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i love this story it make the pitchers from in my mine like that
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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hmm.... let me find words for it. It's... captivating! It makes you want more! Will you write more? I hope so. It's so... sad and yet... I don't know. I can't really find the words, but it's a spectacular concept - him seeing her in his own haven, first happy and jubilant, then so sad, crying. It's... well, as I said, captivating, extremely marvelous!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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