moving on

For some reason, I had never dared to think about Tommy in “that way.” Maybe it was because I was involved with his cousin for a good part of nine years. Maybe it was because he had never so much as looked at me twice or flirted with me the way most men do. Eventually the reason transformed into being solely about our friendship. Maybe I should say “acquaintance,” because what we had was strictly a business relationship, the business being music. 1

Eight months before he left for Nashville, I began taking guitar lessons from him weekly in his home. Musically, we hit it off wonderfully, and he told me that I, along with my friend Pete, was his best student. My lesson was the last of the night, and oftentimes we would watch a bluegrass DVD or hang out and talk bluegrass when the lesson was over. I was thankful that we never had a personal conversation because I had no desire to discuss my relationship with his cousin or my life beyond music.2

After he moved to Nashville, I would only see him at festivals or some other show he was playing. He would come back to Long Island to visit a few times a year, and I would sometimes get a lesson with him or would go see him play a show with his family. Eventually he even helped me enormously with the recording of my own CD, not just with the guitar tracks but with getting some fabulous bluegrass musicians from Nashville to add their efforts to the project. The respect I had for him not just as a musician but as a person grew tremendously during this time. Not only had he extended himself to me, someone new in the business, but I had witnessed time and again how he never had a bad word to say about anyone, a rarity in the music business. It seems someone is always stabbing someone else in the back, and jealousies and resentments run rampant, even among some of the best players. He remained above all that, even when it was swirling in close proximity around him with his compadres.3

Because of this, a friend and I vowed to be more like him and try to refrain from speaking badly about other people. He was a source of inspiration to us, and we would often say “TD!” to one another as a reminder. I also began to joke only with my closest friends, in fact only those friends that had never met him, that I had gone for the “wrong cousin.” His cousin, Joe, treated me pretty poorly, and our relationship amounted to him using me for sex and the flattery that came with my infatuation with him. I was merely a boost to his ego, and as I grew older and wiser, I finally saw it for what it was. Eventually I let him go from my life after years of trying and not succeeding.4

Still, I was hesitant to let Tommy know how I felt because I liked our musical relationship, and it was my feeling that should we choose to engage in a romantic relationship, when it ended so would the musical relationship. Because of that, I never overtly revealed my feelings to him.5

Little did I know, he was becoming aware of these feelings by the little things that I did that signaled “crush!” Maybe it was my posting of more messages on his myspace than any other fan; maybe it was the fact that I was the first to know any “news” on the wire about him; maybe it was the fact that I scoured magazines and the Internet for articles and pictures of him, the latter of which I would forward to him when I came across them. Nothing was ever said about the increasing obviousness of my infatuation, but I noticed instead the gradual backing off of his friendship. This saddened me deeply. I felt that I had indeed ruined our friendship with my feelings, no matter how unexpressed I thought they were.6

After about six months of feeling this withdrawal, and even once inquiring if I had done something wrong to which he responded I was fine and that he was just busy with his new band, CD, and DVD coming out, I fell into a depression about it. I vacillated on what to do, and went from being angry and deciding to “boycott” him and his music, to just accepting what is and letting go, to saying something about feeling hurt at the apparently loss of our “friendship,” or what there was of a friendship.7

In the end, I decided to choose to accept what is. Come Christmas time when he returned “home” for a visit with his family, I was glad that I hadn’t boycotted him because they played a show at one of my favorite locations, the Blue Point Brewery. It was always known as a night of pure rock and roll, good beer, and drunkenness… a time to celebrate seeing old friends, which now, with Tommy living in Nashville, I only had occasion to see once or twice a year. 8

A few months prior to this show, I had made the decision, however, to boycott his cousin Joe and his band, not wanting to fall into his trap once again. I knew that seeing Tommy play with his family would mean the inevitable -- seeing Joe -- but I had no intention of “discussing” my decision to no longer see him or really of discussing anything at all with the man I once thought I loved. What was done was done. And I… I was DONE. I was hoping to get away that night without even as much as a hello or a look in his direction.9

Fate didn’t deal me such cards, however, and as soon as the band’s first set ended, I found myself face to face with Joe as soon as I stepped outside to use the outdoor lavatory.10

“How come you haven’t stopped over with your CD?” he asked me, searching deep in my eyes for any hidden answers.11

I decided to let my anger show itself. “How come you don’t answer the phone when I call?”12

“How do you know I’m even home when you call?”13

“Are you that stupid to think that when I was around the corner from your house visiting my friend that I didn’t drive by ?” There, I admitted it. At this point it didn’t matter to me what he thought anymore.14

“Do you think I didn’t see you drive by, and was just messing with your head like I always do?”15

I glared at him, anger welling up inside of me like an untamed lion ready to attack.16

Apparently Joe was oblivious to my anger because he went on teasingly, “You know I like the fact I can just call you when I want you and have you at my beck and call no matter how much I ignore you. So, I was ignoring you. I knew you’d be back.”17

At that point, the lion in me lunged. “How fucking dare you?” I screamed. “Did you ever stop to think that your need for a CHALLENGE is the reason none of your relationships ever work out? REAL relationships don’t play bullshit games! Who’s the only one in your life who WANTED a REAL relationship? ME! Who’s the only one who’s ever been there despite seeing what a fucking PRICK you are? ME! And ya know what? I’m fucking sick of it. I’m done with you! I don’t care if I ever see you again as long as I live. I don’t care if some day you crawl back to me on your hands and knees. You can go to hell!”18

Joe smiled. “That is exactly what I’ve been waiting for you to say for nine years now.” I must have looked utterly confused so he went on. “I told you that the reason you and I would never work is because you are so quick to come back to me no matter how I treat you. Well, now you aren’t letting me treat you that way. Now maybe we can have a real relationship.”19

“You’re out of your fucking mind. I have entirely too much respect for myself to ever go back to you. I have absolutely no interest in you AT ALL. Why do you think I didn’t even use the excuse of the completion my CD to come see you? I REALLY DON’T CARE IF I EVER SEE YOU AGAIN!”20

With that, I turned to go back inside and ran smack into Tommy who’d apparently heard the whole thing. My body slammed into him with such a force that it was evident I was upset. He took my shoulders in his hands and gave me a gentle shake and said, “Are you ok? Slow down there!”21

With that question came the release of nine years’ worth of emotions. I began to cry. Embarrassed, I mumbled, “I’m fine,” and instead of returning inside, I turned back around, stormed past Joe and out into the night.22

I walked through the parking lot and down the dead-end road that the venue was located on until I found my car near the river’s edge. I grabbed some napkins to use as tissues, and made my way down to the waterside. I had no idea I had company.23

“Hey,” I heard a soft voice say behind me. I looked up to see Tommy standing there with his arms outstretched. “Come’re,” he said, motioning for a hug. I got up.24

I fell into his arms but was too numb to even cry. I just let him hug me, and I was grateful for his warmth in the December midnight air.25

He brushed my bangs away from my face, pulled away slightly but still holding me said, “I was proud of you back there. It’s about time you stopped putting up with Joe's bullshit.”26

“You knew?” I asked, feeling like an idiot. Supposedly no one knew about Joe and me, as I was going through a divorce and he didn’t want to advertise that technically he was seeing a married woman.27

“Are you kidding me?” he asked. “Everyone’s been wondering how long you were going to let him string you along.”28

“I feel like such a DICK!” I exclaimed, now truly embarrassed.29

“Don’t be. We’ve all been there. You should be proud of yourself that you’ve finally broke it off for good with him.” He paused. “It is for good, isn’t it?” he smiled.30

“Yeah,” I smiled back. “Definitely.” Maybe it was the beer starting to kick in, but I added, “I knew I went for the wrong cousin!”31

“What, do you have a crush on Jerry now?” he asked teasingly.32

“Yeah right,” I smiled sheepishly. Now I was too embarrassed to say more.33

“Yeah I can’t tell you the number of times I thought that myself,” he went on.34

“Thought what?” I asked, confused.35

“That you went for the wrong cousin,” he told me matter-of-factly. “The whole time he was running his game on you, I knew you would have better off with me.”36

I laughed. “I knew it too, but you’ve never even so much as looked at me so I figured I didn’t have a chance in hell.”37

“ Never looked at you?! Are you kidding me ?!” he exclaimed. “You wouldn’t know how many times I looked at you because you were always so wrapped up in him .”38

“You ARE kidding me, aren’t you?”39

“Does this seem like I’m kidding you?” he asked, and pulled me close against him in a powerful kiss. I fell weak against him as he overtook me. 40

His second kiss was much gentler, and he took his time exploring my mouth with his tongue while his hands buried themselves in my hair at the back of my head. He pulled me against him roughly, but his lips on mine were tender and soulful. At that moment, I was sure I was in a dream.41

We kissed in silent rapture for a few more minutes, when he pulled away with obvious regret. “I have to go back in and play,” he told me. I must have looked sad because he went on, “But we’ll finish this later.” I looked at him with disbelief, which he must have read on my face, because he added adamantly, “I PROMISE.”42

I noticed Joe glance over at us with a look of disgust as we walked back inside, not touching, but it must have been evident to anyone who was looking closely that we were “together.” Tommy gave my hand a squeeze before he jumped up on stage. I never felt anything like it as he winked or smiled at me from time to time from his place in the spotlight. I was elated. And scared out of my mind.43

The second set went by with a blur, and when it ended, Tommy came immediately to my side. “I have to say hi to some people I haven’t seen since last year,” he told me, “so I should say goodnight to you now, but I’ll call you tomorrow.”44

I must have looked at him with that same look of disbelief, so he quickly added with a warm smile, “I promised you, didn’t I?” and he gave me a peck on the cheek for everyone to see. It was all I could do to not put my hand to my cheek like some star struck little girl.45

I must have been in a daze, however, because the path I took leading out through the crowd took me right past Joe, who, when I passed, grabbed me by the arm, and said, “I have to talk to you.”46

“I have nothing to say,” I said in a voice so quiet and a lack of emotion that he had no choice but to believe me. He let me go.47

As I reached the door, I turned and saw Tommy had been watching. He smiled an encouraging smile at me, and I waved a goofy wave back at him and stepped outside, my smile spreading from head to toe. I felt warm inside despite the chilly winter temperature.48

I drove home without the radio, but I was so caught up in my thoughts I didn’t even notice. Suddenly, the sounds of “Are You Sure Hank Done It This Way” filled the car. It took me a moment to realize it was Tommy’s ring tone. If he called me twice a year it was a lot, so hearing the song jarred me out of my fantasy world. 49

I answered in a voice that pretended not to know who it was. “Hello?” I inquired.50

“I just realized that it already IS tomorrow,” I heard Tommy say playfully. “So I’m calling you like I promised.”51

“Ha,” I responded in a stupid half-laugh. “What are you up to?”52

“Oh, I was just calling to see if you’d want to go out to dinner with me later today?” he said in a voice that managed to sound cute and sexy at the same time.53

“I would LOVE to,” I told him.54

“Good, then how about I pick you up at 6?”55

“You’re going to drive all the way out to ME to pick ME up?” I couldn’t believe it. It was a good hour’s ride from his parents’ house where he was staying.56

“Teri, that’s what gentlemen do,” he told me softly. The comparison to Joe was obvious. That asshole had never taken me anywhere.57

“OK, then, six it is,” I responded. I was thrilled.58

“Drive safely beautiful,” he told me.59

“Good night,” I answered. “Handsome,” I whispered a moment later into a dead phone. I drove with the phone to my lips for a few minutes before I realized where I was. As I turned into my driveway, I finally let myself hope that this would turn out better than it had with that member of the family, his name purposely forgotten.60

I fell asleep quickly even though I hadn’t had a beer since that first set, and I slept like a contented kitten. When I awakened the next morning, the sunlight was steaming down upon my face, and I never felt so happy to be alive.61

The day dragged by as I anxiously waited for six o’clock. It was probably good that it was taking forever to arrive though because it allowed me to change my outfit for the evening at least a half dozen times. By the time six rolled around, I must admit I was looking pretty stunning in a black halter dress and stilettos.62

I answered the doorbell and practically fell off my heels as Tommy deftly presented me with a bouquet of roses with one hand and swept me to him for a kiss with his other hand. 63

“You are amazing,” I said after our long and tender embrace, gazing at the beautiful long-stemmed red roses I still couldn’t believe he brought me.64

“Remember, my name’s Demarco, not McLean,” he said mischievously and kissed me again as he gently pushed my body inside and closed the door.65

“Ohhhh yeahhhh,” I finally whispered when he let me up for air. Now I remember what it feels like to be treated like a lady , I thought to myself and smiled.66