He was aging, deteriorating, much more rapidly than was his hoard of money. And as the days passed, the question of what to do with his amassed wealth loomed, oppressively. 1
There were no progeny, no wives, none of the usual nieces and nephews waiting in the wings for the final curtain. 2
He had only recently come upon the larger portion of his great financial worth. After years of building a sound business he sold it for a tidy sum in hopes of pursuing a comfortable retirement, short though it might have been. But then he began ailing, suffered a crumbling relationship with his "companion" and was forced to confront the reality of restricted mobility and constriction. He became a man with no prospects. 3
What future did lay itself open before him and indeed did beckon to him was the distribution of his money and the establishment of trusts. What he wanted in return for this largesse was some small guarantee of immortality. 4
The sums of money to be donated were not overly great, but considerable enough to draw and hold interest from the establishments singled out to benefit from his magnanimity. 5
At first, small and needy organizations were considered. But then, as he became increasingly aware of the instability around him and the inevitability of ruin and change, he thought more cautiously of the institutions he hoped would profit by his gifts. Better, he decided, to put his money at greater purpose; better to be assured of the immutable; roots; something solid. He craved the stable, the constant. What he sought had to be enduring...in a place that had endured, that would endure. Such was the house required to accommodate and preserve just a small corner of...immortality. 6
And that was what he bargained for: A small corner of immortality. It was on the back wall of the largest church in the country, adjacent to the right far corner of the holy place. There, erected in bronze, was the statue of a pious saint. Beside her, the blessed candles, sacred waters, and, inscribed on a heavy and thick bronze plaque on a pedestal beneath her immaculate figure, the venerable words proclaiming the donor’s name and the abiding dates of his deeds here. Unfaltering. Unalterable. 7
The money was to be donated over a period of ten years by the trustees of the charity. But after two years, following the death of the benefactor, it was decided that the distribution would take the form of a lump sum. The transaction was consummated. Perpetuity should not be postponed. 8
It was some years later that one of the executors of the trust passed the church with his daughter and thought to show the little girl the beautiful bronze saint, the sacred corner, and reveal the story of the divine, now immortal, connection of the once living donor. 9
The pair entered the church, and the father, holding the little girl’s hand, moved toward his right.10
No homily was in progress. What few congregants filled the aisles were embraced by the multi-storied silence reaching up and up through the light, quietly seeping through the stained glass windows. 11
"Where are we going, daddy?" asked the little girl. 12
"I want to show you something," said the executor, aware of the lingering incense wafting about the apse. 13
"Where?" said the girl. 14
The father looked about. It had been right there, where he stood. But there was no bronze anywhere there now. There was no plaque. There was a rack for holy candles. There was blessed water. There were no immutable words, no eternal corners. There was the wafting scent of incense. But there was no plaque. The little girl looked up.15
"Where, daddy?" 16
Author notes
The "End" of this is NOT missing. Please don't ask...just read thoughtfully and carefully!
A contest entry
- Fun Stuff by sugarrrainbow.
190 points, ended June 13, 17 entries
Silver trophy winner
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Honorable winner
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210 points, ended July 8, 20 entries
Honorable winner
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Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 53 of 53
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Great but frustrating
It was a great story about how messed up the world can be and called out to some very corrupt practices that are done in relation to wills and trusts. I know it says it was intended for the sin of pride/vanity, but I find the main guy was the least sinful as he worked a hard life, lost everything and only wanted to have something to show for it that would stand the test of time when he died. I really find it hard to see him as sinful at all really. I thought the trusties being greedy and disrespectful of the dead was the only morally reprehensible thing in the story.
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good
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THIS...is a most extrordinary reply!
Can you imagine...a writer takes the time to think up an idea...with a worthwhile theme, characterizations, imagery, etc...then goes about setting it to paper and screen...posts it...spends his hard earned points "featuring" the thing...sits back in anticipation of delighting some reader and then perhaps even receiving some constructive or other feeback...maybe even an accolade...and what finally arrives?
"good." With not even a Capital "G!"
I hope the effort was no strain.
Thanks,
GA
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beautifully written, takes a lot of thought to understand.
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Deep Thinking
I think your story says immortality only survives in the hearts and minds of the people you touch. Everything else disappears like fortunes, monuments and civilizations.
. Rewarded 4
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This confused me on my first read. I read really fast, so when I came to the author notes and said read slowly, I went back and re-read it.
It was beautifully written and goes to show where one's pride can get you. I liked the surprise ending, it threw me at first but the second time round I understood it!
Great writing!
. Rewarded 6
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Really nice story. You did a great job of setting up my expectations then tearing it down. I figured it would fall under pride/vanity. Beautifully executed and I love your use of the language - particularly your grammar usage. Speaking of, just a couple things:
Par. 1: "And as the days passed, the question of what to do with his amassed wealth loomed, oppressively."
- You don't really need that and there. In fact, it would sound even more ominous if you just left it out (in my opinion, which you are more than free to disregard). Something I realized recently is I use a lot of "to-be" verbs and sometimes, the piece sounds a lot more poetic if you leave them out and only use them when necessary.
Par. 6: Your use of ellipses.
- I'm not saying it's inappropriate, however, I do want to caution you for the future and think about whether that's the best choice. I understand what you were trying to do so it's not like you used it in an obscene way, but I just thought I'd bring it to your attention.
Outside of that, I thought you did a fabulous job and I wish you luck in the contest! -
That's a really good story. I liked the ending, even though it was a little bit hopeless. It kind of reminds me of this poem The Children and Sir Nameless. The only way you can get immortal is in memories of people, you won't get it with just empty money. But yeah, anyways... I really liked it.
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Very thoughtful story! Contrary to chintzy faberge below, I feel the sentence "Perpetuity should not be postponed" is quite original and witty. I loved the ending! Just ending with a question was remarkable and with a question asked by the little girl even more so! I can almost hear her voice echoing inside the church...
Thank you for a wonderful read.
Anaya
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Read it before, still a great story!! Good luck in my contest, =DD
-Dani -
Good job!! this is extremly well written, I really enjoyed it!! Keep up the good work, and good luck in my contest =DDDD
-Dani
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Oh ho ho! The first time through I thought somehow that the statue was of him, but I fixed that mental image error. Reading more slowly helped.
Heh, this was a great story. So you can't take it with you, and apparently you can't leave it behind, pointing at which way you went, either!
I like it. I did get a little bogged down in P7 at the description of the saint and all her trappings near her; maybe the sentence could be smoothed or split or something. It just seemed a lot of information in one sentence. (I do that all the time myself)
Your description of the church itself was very picturesque. I wasn't sure if the light was seeping through the stained-glass windows, or if the silence was, but either way, it was a great image. Yay, another Garywrite!
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Greed, am I right? Excellent choice! Well this was a good story. I liked it a lot. It was a bit short but hey, even short stories can be the best. Good luck in the contest!
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Excellently written story.
The surprise ending is what makes this story standout, apart from the the fine writing. Well composed.
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not sure if it is really random enough for this contest, but a good attampt, which was very engaging. Heep writing!
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This is really great ! Kudos
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This was very well written and actually beautiful in the way it was carried out. A thoughtful peice that captured my attention throughout. Very well done. I enjoyed very much. Thanks for the entry.
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How perfectly this fits into my option!
I really, really liked this, the way you described the church, the "eternal corners".
At first I thought you meant that he would buy something to live forever, but he wanted immortality for his soul. Very, very wonderful.
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This is beautiful. An observation of truth in these modern times, few things are realy guaranteed and you tell so very well.
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It is said that we live on in other people's memories. I discern that, though he failed to purchase immortality, he managed to live on. The executor remembered him, and now with the plaque gone, a much more enthralling explanation would be given the child - one she is more willing to remember than merely viewing the plaque.
Again another poignant piece from one of the best.
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Wow. So much for immortality. It's proving that nothing, no matter how much you want it to, is going to buy you immortality. You live on far better in the memories of your children and those who knew you. Even if the statue stayed, and people did see the plaque, it's just a name; it wouldn't really mean anything to them. They might say "Oh, this person donated a cool statue," but there's no connection or memory. He wouldn't actually be real still, but just a name on a sign.
One thing:
"He was aging, deteriorating, lots more rapidly than was his hoard of money." It seems like 'lots' does not fit there. 'far'? just plain 'more?' Just a suggestion...
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Aesca,
Thanks! I believe you are correct! I have changed "lots" to "much." And I DO believe it sounds...MUCH better!
GA
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Great job, a very well written piece! I absolutely loved this line: "none of the usual nieces and nephews waiting in the wings for the final curtain". For me, this story was about immortality in the sense that you can not ever ensure it, even with all of the wealth in the world. There are some things in the world that you can not buy. Thank you for sharing this, it really made me think.
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excellent
I love this story. Each reader is left to his/her own conclusions. Mine is that I loved the irony. The man was so diligent in wanting to be remembered. He thought he had it all figured out.
Great job! Keep on writing!
Sincerely,
IGW
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Absolutely fantastic, Mr. Alexander! I only had three insy weensy problems with this, the third being a longing for more of this fun piece. I suppose that the commma after 'loomed,' is okay, because I can feel what you were going for, but I doubt you could publish the story like that. My next problem occurs between paragraph 7 and 8- a little clarity could be used to show that the donor did indeed purchase the back corner of the church altar, because I thought a generic one was being described or visualized by the old man. It took a bit to realize who was immortalized there.
I enjoyed your ending, especially how there wasn't even a mention of the old man in your story, much less in the church. I liked the innocence of the next generation, the little girl who had never hurt of the old man who passed long ago.
Deeply meaningful without being fatalistic. Lovely, my dear!
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Ah, always a breath of fresh air...
Your narrative voice is a deep one, my friend!
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Great reading
I found myself reading this and wanting to see what was to happen. I especially like your ending. For what it's worth, my interpretation is that the owner of the wealth sought immortality with the foolish notion that money can buy anything when in fact, this is not true. Anyway, I enjoyed it. -
A thoughtful piece of writing
An incredibly sad piece, very well written. I enjoyed the subtlety in the story, ensuring that the reader considers the message contained within. A lonely man in life and a forgotten man forever. So sad and so common.
Thank you Gary for writing this.
Lis
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I like this, a lot. You have a very good seance of words. I like how he donated to the biggest church/organization because he wanted to live on in a way, were if he had donated to a small organization he might not have been. Yet after some time and the final donations he was simply forgotten and removed taking away the imortality he had so desperately craved. It seems to have a leson but not one i can place my finger on. Very good.
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humm, open ended. I liked it, though in some ways it didnt make much sense to me. good detailing.
-Jenni-veev -
Sweet
I gave this a re-read and I really enjoyed it. When you explained a few things about the story I finally got it. This is a really important story, it makes you think about your life and your wealth. What will we do with all our stored cash when we're old?
It was very sad that he had no family. That really tugged at my heart. The end seemed to indicate that he had indeed attained immortality. But how is that possible? Perhaps the bronze statue and plaque were stolen. This is where the story really makes you think, wander back and consider all the information you've received up until then.
A Perplexing and a wonderful story! I loved it!
(Once I understood it. lol)
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wow
wow.... i loved it! if you want go to my page mustian and look at my stories...
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I must admit, when I first started reading I thought it was a little too wordy, but as I moved along I really started to enjoy your style. You said a lot with so little. Nice job.
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This is a really interesting spin on the reckoning with death. You clearly know what sort of feeling you want to achieve with this story, and I think that you have it. I finished the last word and felt as I thought the central character should-helpless.
However, you do have one major contradiction (at least in my eyes) that is a major spoiler to the story: the fact that you say that he has no descendants in the beginning (the reason he is looking to put his money somewhere else) and then at the end he goes into the church with his daughter. I don't know if you meant for that to happen, but it makes sense that the inheritance would go to her rather than skip her.
Also, there is a little oddity in the difference of the ages. The girl seems to be portrayed as very young (no older than 6 I'm guessing) but he is retired, and dying. What happened to her mother? It had to have been a quasi-recent event if the girl is young.
There were also a few specific grammar things that I want to point out-easy fixers that will make this easier to read.
"lots more rapidly than was his hoard of money." -should probably change to "much more rapidly" or simply "more rapidly", which sounds nicer.
"There were no progeny, no wives" -why would he have multiple wives? "no progeny, no wife" is fine.
"But then he began ailing, suffered" -try to avoid beginning a sentence with "but". The sentence sounds fine with it omitted.
"Perpetuity should not be postponed." I felt this sentence stuck out like a sore thumb-it wasn't necessary to the content of the paragraph and didn't really add anything worthwhile.
Otherwise, it sounds like a solid start, and I'd like to see where it goes from here. -
Ah, the church making its own decision how to spend money - no immortality when a little immorality would do!
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I can feel a message here, but feel that you have left out alot. It sounds like a beginning to a story. Hope that you will write more on this, like why, who, and what. Good Luck
Jeris
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You'd have better luck buying immortality through writing & stories!
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I enjoyed that peice. I briefly read over some of the comments and noticed someone talking shit about your sentence structure: Dont listen to that. Your sentence structure is advanced, and if it is difficult to read then go back to see spot run. The person that suggested you change lots to much, i agree. You do something here that i have yet to be able to accomplish... I can write long storied with twists and plots and schemes, but i find it hard to condense a decent story, such as the one you have written here, into something small and quick to read. Have any advice?
Long days and pleasant nights. -
Well Gary, this was wonderfully written IMO. You have inspired me to be a better persons. Maybe I shouldn't look to tomorrow, but look at what I have today. Everyone could take a lessons from this.
Brooke
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More sentance structure than grammer
He was aging, deteriorating, lots more rapidly than was his hoard of money.
People are finding your piece hard to read because your sentance structure is hard to read.
The example above can be made more clear by changing the way it is presented.
For example:
He was aging, deteriorating, a lot more rapid than his hoard of money.
By changing the sentance a little, it becomes much more readable.
Just a suggestion! Hope this helps. -
Amazing write!
Fantastic!
Like all your other stories i'm glad i read this. It's short yet captivating, and certainly leaves a reader thinking days afterwards. (As you've noticed in previous comments
)
I think the message is quite clear in this piece, and i love how you don't go into detail explaining the story to the reader. Kinda like a painting, leaving the viewer to extract their own meaning from it.
But, contrary to a section of the message you convey, i'm immortal
I'll live forever! Just you wait! *slams fist on table*
Then i saw the whole "Give expecting something in return" message. Many tend to help others not simply to help them, but to get something in return, in this case, mainly recognition and praise. Anyway, that's what the story said to me. Tell me how wrong i am?
Great story Gary! I'll be looking forward to your next post!
Keep writing!
Your #1 fan
Azaradelle.
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Well Done
So much for immortality but he tried.
It is sad that a dying man, once gone, does not have his wishes respected.
Some grammer errors, excellent wording.
I did have to read it twice just to make sure I understood what had happened.
. Rewarded 4
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This is a very nice story. The background makes my eyes hurt, but the way this is written makes up for it. The message is cloudy, but I'm still too young to understandit anyway. I think I catch the drift, though. Anyway, this flowed very nicely.
. Rewarded 4
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First few words gave me a good visual. I'd change the word "lots" to "much" or come up with an anology. I believe I understand the gist of the story, at times it strikes me as too abstract. Thnking that you've purchased immortality only to realize it never occured confirmed the benefactor's sad existance. Were you trying to capture the irony of the benefactor's final desire or the untrustworthiness of people? I wonder if there shouldn't be more from the executor with this in mind.
LM. Rewarded 8
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great
Very nicely written. Just very confusing. My little brain can't hold it. I mean, look at me. -
As always, wonderfully written, Gary. But, I'm afraid I don't understand the meaning behind this. Yes, there is no such thing as immortality by remembrance--everything fades away--however I'm puzzling because I think there's something more to this.
I dunno, maybe I'm over-analyzing (your stories usually make me do that!).
Ah, well, fantastic job on this anyways.
. Rewarded 8
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Hmm. Beautifully written. I think I understood what you meant by this story.No one really remembers you after sometime. Life goes on..
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Then I thought, nope Gary wrote this—it probably has nothing to do with the money--so I’m going to get myself in trouble again—grin.
My initial reaction was, poor sucker, you can’t control what happens after you’re dead. However, personal experience has taught me that’s not true. There are legal safeguards one can attach to donations, so that one’s wishes are carried out to the letter—or the endowment is forfeited. If the guy had that much money, he knew some smart attorneys.
Then I thought, nope Gary wrote this—it probably has nothing to do with the money--so I’m going to get myself in trouble again—grin. I read it again.
So next, I considered his life. If he never made any lasting connection with another human that warranted his being able to believe they would not forget a gift or the friend that gave it, he must be a cold character. I read it again.
However I thought, there are a lot of lonely people cut off from others by their looks, disabilities, those who outlive their family and friends, abandoned elderly…shucks, “My initial reaction poor sucker.”
Yikes!I wrote more words than you did.
Geri
The transaction was (consumated) consummated.
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This story left me uneasy -
The token to immortality -- a simple statue, that's not even there, a man who is too rich for his own good, his failing health is more in danger than his loosing his money -- what irony you have brought into this ~
Wonderfully crafted piece and you left the ending as a killer, a bloddy ruddy killer Gary, the was pure genius --
I like how you setted out, exploring the very intensity of his age then coming to slow steady pace about what he did, Loved how you jumped to the executor ~
Amazing piece and the ending really leaves you like - what? how? why?
I must explore through my mind, the meaning behind this -- I shall be back!!
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I didn't think the end was missing, but I can see why some people would want it to go and be explained to them. Reminds me of that poem about Orpheus or whatever his name was, that great king and all that is left of him is the feet of his statute.
Anyway I really like it, the build up is good, how nobody can really be immortal ever is a cool theme.
Great as usual GA, why are you so good at this?
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Ozymandias...Coleridge!
Yes, in many ways...though this has a slightly different aspect to it. But I'm always gratified to be in the company of a Coleridge! "I met a traveler from an antique land...who said...two vast and trunkless legs of stone stand...in the desert!" But, Kate, in this case...there is nary a statue even!
Nice to see you here...thanks for showing up!
GA
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