Chicago's Own Angel

Chicago's Own Angel 1

It was a dark stormy night in Chicago; everyone was running home, trying to escape the pounding rain. Rain splattered on heads, making it impossible to see anything clearly. No one bothered to look around; their focus was solely on getting home. 2

Shadows moved throughout the city even without light. They seemed to be stirring, waiting for something. Maybe a stupid human who would come close enough for them to grab.3

Rin slunk in the shadows, her face marred with the pain from living off the street. Her teeth were yellow and cracked, one arm twisted into a grotesque shape with a dark silver chain wrapped around it. A small silver circle with two tiny wings was barely visible from underneath the dirt that covered her arms. Long matted black hair hung to her waist, grease clinging to it. Her presence went unnoticed, it always did. No one cared about a lowly city rat; she was just a shadow of the city.4

“Humans,” she hissed out to herself. “They are dirtier that I am,” a grin stretched across her grimy face. Slinking in the shadows she watched the streets and him. 5

He was tall, clean brown hair, dazzling blue eyes, and he was walking slowly through the pouring rain. This man didn't seem to care that he was getting soaked, his head was hung low. He didn't notice the piercing eyes following his every move.6

Turning left, he entered a dark alley way, alone. Rin followed him, not making a sound. A rusty blade clasped in her good hand, she was ready to strike. Her bare feet lept over every crack and her body hid in the shadows. When his back was to her, she leapt, grabbing onto his hair and raising the blade to strike.7

She shrieked like a crow, making his hair stand on end. Her face was screwed up into a fierce growl and a sneer. Two yellow fangs, crusted with dried dirt, were ready to bite into his neck. 8

He spun around, trying to smash Rin against the brick walls. Clawing at his face, Rin was almost thrown off by this man’s power. She stabbed repeatedly at the man, hoping to hit him. Grabbing her bad arm, he threw her against the stone wall, there was a small snap of a broken bone and a squeal from Rin. 9

“What are you?” A deep voice asked, the man kept his distance from Rin. The once dazzling blue eyes were now dark, mysterious, and angry. Those eyes seemed to look through Rin, she twitched under his stare, such accusing eyes.10

“Something that you wouldn’t want to know, a mere existence in this world.” She spat back at him, slowly rubbing her broken ankle. Rin hissed, a sharp pain came from in between her shoulder blades, where her wings were. Rin's lips pursed, fighting back the pain from the non-existant wings, her ankle, and this man looking at her. 11

 12

Bending over her, he snatched the blade from her weakened hand; he slowly brought it up to her face, his hand shaking. “Come on human, one swipe and I am gone.” Her voice taunted him, dark eyes flickering, daring him.13

A thoughtful gleam entered the man’s eyes, “So, you’re not a human. What are you?” His lips pursed in a line as his brain was spinning with possibilities. 14

“What gave that away?” Rin asked, not once letting her eyes drop from the blade in the man’s large hand. It seemed dwarfed by his large scarred hands. He sat down next to Rin, putting the blade close to her heart. 15

“Tell me what you are!” His voice was sharp, wanting answers from this... thing.16

“Never!” The blade inched closer to her heart, his hand began to shake uncontrollably. “Human, why do you want to know what I am?” Curiosity filled her voice.17

“My brother was killed by someone around here. He was killed..."A chocked sob almost errupted from his mouth, "The police thought it was a suicide, there was a knife with no finger prints. Also, two holes in his chest, two gaping holes. I wanted to know if you did it!" The pain and anger in his voice took Rin a second to comprehend. "Tell me, was it you?"18

“I have killed many, I will kill more, it doesn’t matter who I kill. The pleasure is all mine.” She cackled, throwing her head back. He angrily plunged the rusty blade into her heart, only to find out, there was nothing there. Not a drop of dark blood oozed from her skin. A mocking smile was twisted on her face. She seemed to know the reason why she didn't bleed, why she didn't feel guilt, why she killed so recklessly.19

“Human. Don’t you know that every shadow angel has no heart? We lost our heart to you petty existences, and look what we got in return! Cast out of heaven and our wings all ripped from out body! Only to live with the mortals who forgot what gift we gave them!” Her breath was coming in sharp, anger etched on her face, holding up her twisted arm, she showed him her chain. “And this is what binds me here. You think that every angel is loving and kind? No! Most angels are cruel to the shadow angels, they bound us to the world that they helped create. They bound us here, and gave us a new name.”20

“What name? What gift?”  Rin looked up, into the blackened sky. She glowered at those twinkling stars; her loathing was directed past the moon, past the stars, and into heaven.21

"We gave you love, before our sacrifice you lived like devils. Chasing others, killing, and not having a care in the world. The shadow angels willing traded places with the heartless humans, we took away their pain. It was us who watched over you!" Spit flew from her cracked lips, hatred burned brightly in her indigo eyes. He gaped, the shadows behind her twisted and writhered in her anger.22


“I am Sin. Remember me well human, for we lurk in every hole and shadow. One day, we shall return to Heaven, and come back to Earth to take back what is ours. Our hearts.” Her voice bounced off the walls, before his very eyes, she disappeared. Only to leave on blackened feather to remind him that she wasn't a dream. 23

"We shall come back...our hearts will be ours once again. Never forget...never...forget." Those words lingered in the air.24

Leaning down, the man picked up the desheviled feather, drops of cacked blood gave it the feather a redish glow. Slipping the feather into his pocket, he walked out into the street.25

The End.26

Author notes

It was a dark and stormy night by Tea3. <- That was the contest. I believe I should have gotten bronze, silver, or gold because I have a lot of good word choice, it's a captivating story, and it had an interesting twist that made the plot better.

The other contest's rules was to make it start with 'It was a dark stormy night'.

My favorite movie is Lord of the Rings or The Holiday.

In a list

A contest entry

It's weird, and weird, and I sucked at finishing it. Sorry!

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
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Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • Dark Wanderer
    December 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Cheers!

    Hi, firstly allow me to thank you for entering the contest.

    You did a nice work with Rin, with superb character development and all. The city, Rin and the human who tried to kill Rin all had great depths to them. Great job! The story was also well-written, and I liked the twist.

    Here are some minor improvements from me:
    Para 2: "focus was solely one getting" should be 'focus was solely on getting'
    Para 11: 'inbetween' should be 'in between'
    Para 19: "I killed many" should be 'I have killed many"
    Para 20: 'The most angels are cruel' should be 'Most angels are cruel'
    Para 20: 'the bound us' should be 'they bound us'

    Good luck for the contest, and may you keep writing well.


  • whichcraft Greeters member
    November 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I'm glad that you realized the ending could have been much better and yes, the story has an interesting twist and I liked the concept. However, this type of story should have more to it before going straight to the core of the story and giving away the theme.

    The beast makes it seem that all humans are heartless but actually from what I know of America, people band together in times of crisis so I think that the story could have grown and gone into more depth.


    • perfect paradox
      November 26, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you. I'll add more to it soon, yeah I know it's a little bit after the contest but if you want to check it later...

      Thank you for creating a contest for those who wished for a better chance with their stories! It was a great idea!


  • Running Devil
    October 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Be careful of putting too much information in one paragraph, it throws the flow off. You made me really picture Rin. Good luck with the contest.

    • perfect paradox
      October 20, 2007

      Edit | Reply
      Ok, I'll try to change it, the problem is that the judge already commented on it and she might not look back at it.


  • karmaxandxcrayons
    October 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    ooh. quite lovely. i love the descriptions, you do a GRRREAT job of putting pictures in the reader's mind. maybe try improving the part where Rin attacks the man and when he says the stuff about his brother... you said before that he didn't know what she was and then you said his brother was killed by someone like her. maybe just put in a sentence or two to clarify. nice job!!
    ~Maureen~


    • perfect paradox
      October 18, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      I had some serious troubles ending it, thinking of ideas, and making characters.


  • potaytee
    October 14, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Wow that is so cool. I really enjoyed it. It was very different. Well done and good luck.

1 - 11 of 11