"Andrew, for god's sakes! Open the door!" I banged and kicked the door as forceful as possible. 1
"No Alice, please....", a hoarse voice came from inside. "Please leave me alone!"2
Listening to that hoarse voice, I blurted out shocked, "An-Andy darling, what happened?". I was hurt. He was ignoring me. He wouldnt say me what was wrong. After all, I was his foster sister!"It's okay dear, open the door.", I said as calmly as possible. 3
I waited for a while, and raised my voice a bit, "Open the door now, or I'm going to break in!"4
I heard the sobs go stronger. I was more irritated now then ever. 5
I yelled, "ARE YOU GOING TO OP-"... 6
He opened the door. He was silent. He was staring at his own shoes, face down. A single tear fell from his face. I went towards him and hugged him as tight as possible. He sighed heavily. He settled his head on my shoulders. It started to become wet when fresh tears started pouring. I was worried. 7
"Darling, what happened?" 8
He flinched and pulled away from me at once, as if something had burnt his skin. I tried to hug him again, but he shied away from me. 9
"It's Okay, Ali."10
"Trying to kill yourself and saying its okay is NOT okay with me, Mr. Adrewson Fennighum!"11
He had tried to stab himself. But precisely at that moment, I had entered the kitchen with him try to stab himself. I had been there to get some food. I have never been hungry before at midnight, but when I saw the scene in the kitchen, I was thankful to the stars that I woke up. After dropping the knife he had run into his room and had shut himself up. 12
"Please, Ali. You don't understand!", he sobbed even more. 13
"Then make me understand!", I said evenly. 14
"No, Ali" he said hoarsely, "There are certain things I cant tell you". 15
It was my turn to flinch. He has never treated me like that before. We were foster sibings and he was of my own age. Even though he is a boy and am girl, he has never said that once in the fourteen years we have been together. Not even when he talked about girls. 16
"Damn you, Andrew!"There was hurt and pain in her voice which showed of excellantlly, because Andrew said, "Sorry Alice, I-I didn't mean to say that."17
"Whatever", I replied sarcastically. 18
"No Alice, please, please you have to understand me."19
"That's exactly the point! I dont understand you!". She paused for a minute. Then said, "Andrew, you know how much I care for you. You know that I would do anything for you. Then why the hell wont you tell me what's happening? Why did you even try it, you moron!" Tears rolled down my cheek like a stream trying to race its way. I felt like smacking his face and screaming at him even more. But he crumbled down on the floor. That made me run to him and hug him again. 20
I said in a whispher,"Andy, you know that you can say me anything. It hurts, Andy, it truly does. Seeing you like this and not even being able to help."21
"I-I'm not worth your he-help, Alice. You..You and your fa-family have do-done so much for me a-already", He was sobbing in between in his words,"I w-wouldnt....I wouldn' have lasted one more d-day, if your mom had not found me th-that day."22
I gasped at his reference to our family as my family and our mother as my mother. He must be really depressed to use that type of words. I hugged him closer to me. But I didnt comment, I let him continue. 23
"Yo-You wouldn't say the sa-same thing you said, if-..if I told you what it is..."24
"Never mind, Andy!", I interrupted him,"Just spit it out, will you!?!"25
"I'm sc-scared, Ali", He sobbed. 26
"Will you stop all this nonsense and say wh-"27
"I love you"28
I chuckled through my still pouring tears. He didnt have any sense of time. Or sense of situation. 29
"Ofcousre I know you do."30
"No Alice, not like that. Not brotherly "I love you". I want kiss you, Ali. I want sleep with you, marry you, Ali". I moved away from him, and stared at him. I was shocked. He sobbed evenmore and fell on to the floor like a boneless creature. He continued, almost in a scared whispher."I know, I know, Ali, you're going to hate me for this. I know I'm a siner, I'm ungrateful to you and to your parents who made me their son." His sobs became hared and his whole body was shaking. "But that's how I feel, and that's why I did what I did".31
I didn't know what to say. I was rooted to the spot. I never expected this, not even in my dreams. If situations weren't this serious I would have probably felt flattered. I would have even teased him. But it was not like that now. So,32
"It's okay, dear". I layed my hand around his shoulder and brought him to a sitting position. He looked at me, surprised. 33
"What do you mean?" he asked, hope clearly showing in his voice. 34
"I mean, it's okay. It's okay with me if you love me." I hesistated a bit,thinking whether it was the right time to say it. Then I decided, if now is not the good time, it never will be. I said, "I love you, too"35
He hugged me. I held him close to me. I wanted him to feel better. He deserved it. I could feel his heart going thump-thump. It felt so good. He pulled back. I raised my eyebrows not seeing what he was trying to do. He brought his face near mine and kissed me.It was a urgent, yet satisfying one. I reassured him with mine. 36
When I pulled back, i saw his face. His expression was priceless. 37
Author notes
This story, is one of the stories I got from my muse, who reads to me every night, in my dreams.
A contest entry
- Room for Improvement by tallblondie.
450 points, ended June 4, 2008, 20 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think about my story?
Comments
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Review for Room for Improvement Contest
This story is fairly entertaining! The ending was a bit sudden, in that Alice just accepts and admits she loves her foster bro too. I like the way you indicated that shed had feelings for him before, even though it does sound a little incestuous!
I love how you started out at a tense scene, which s what initially caught my attention. I, for one, hate "slow, slooooowwwwly moving, draaaammmmaaaaatic" opening scenes! (if you yawned reading that, it means you got my point!)
In particular, it intrigued me when she seemed to imply that "something happened, dun-dun-DUN!(lol)
However...drum roll, please
I'll go through this in order, one line at a time.
1. ""Andrew, for god's sakes! Open the door!" I banged and kicked the door as forceful as possible..."
Several things irked me here, which is really serious since this is the opening sentence of your story, and i probably would've stopped right there if it wasn't for the next few lines catching my eye. First off, "god's sakes" is a common error. Try "goodness sake". 2nd, "I banged and kicked the door as forceful as possible" is inaccurate. Rephrase, using better wording, simply to "I pummeled the door with my fists forcefully..."
2. As mentioned before, word choice.
"...Listening to that hoarse voice, I blurted out shocked, "An-Andy darling, what happened?". I was hurt. He was ignoring me. He wouldnt say me what was wrong. After all, I was his foster sister!"It's okay dear, open the door.", I said as calmly as possible. 3.."
Rephrase to something along the lines of:
"...His tone startled me. "An-Andy darling," I stuttered, uncertain, "what happened?" The responding silence stung. He was purposefully ignoring me. He wasn't telling me what had upset him so. For heaven's sake,I was his sister, foster-sister, yes, but sister all the same!
I managed to calm myself down enough to say softly, "It's okay, Andy, open the door..."
3. Dialect: They are sister and brother. I'm uncertain of their ages but she indicates that they are the same age, so why the "darling/dear"? It seems awkward. she could just give him a childhood nickname.
4. Awkward phrasing:
"...hugged him as tight as possible..."
Try "hugged him tightly." Much simpler!
5. "...He had tried to stab himself. But precisely at that moment, I had entered the kitchen with him try to stab himself. I had been there to get some food..."
Too much repetition! Rephrase!
Also, you never told us exactly what he was trying to with the knife: stab himself in guts, slit wrists, the cliche teenager way, etc. Some more details would be good.
6. Proofreading errors such as using "its" instead of "it's (it is)". Also, errors like "...use that type of words..." involve singular/plural mix-ups. Use "those types" 'cos you're referring to "words", not "word". As well, apostrophe errors like "didnt", "wont", but these are again proofreading errors.
7. Spacing in "ofcourse",again a proofreading error.
8. "...ears trailing down [her] cheek..." is a misused phrase. Use "cheeks" instead.
9. "...spit it out, will you!?!"25"
In writing, you never use the "!?!" to "exclaim"; use facial expression instead, to indicate a character is shocked.
10. "evenmore" = "even more"
11. "...I layed my hand around his shoulder..."
"layed" is incorrect. As is "hand",as you cannot "lay a hand around" someone's shoulder. Try "...I slid an arm around his shoulders, pulling him upright..."
12. Rephrase:
"...I hesistated a bit,thinking whether it was the right time to say it. Then I decided, if now is not the good time, it never will be. I said, "I love you, too"35..."
Misspelled: "hesistated". Should be "hesitated".
When you say, "a bit", it seems to cub the flow a bit, sounding too informal. Try, "hesitated for a second, wondering if it was about time I disclose my own feelings. Then I thought, if not now, then never. Clearing my throat, I said, clearly, "I love you too.""
Your writing is good, but needs some depth, mostly in emotion.Show the turmoil in Alice's head more often, show it in the way she speaks (throat clearing, hands wringing, etc.), and the best advice I could possibly give you is TO READ! It's a trade secret!
Read as much as you can, and your writing skills will soar!
Good luck in the contest. If there's nything else you need help with, send me a msg!beginning: 4, language: 1, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 1, characters: 3.
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Thank you for your entry and good luck!
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kinda creepy.. but its okay. Thers some grammar mistakes that need fixing though. It kept my interest.
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