Terror Story, Cut Short

The old wooden floor, stained with shadows and scratched by time, creaked and groaned so much, it seemed as if it was breathing_ hard. Little red glowing, terrifying eyes were following her, inspecting her, seeing if she was good enough to eat. This girl was shallow, she never minded anything, but when she turned around, what she saw, she had to mind, she could not ignore it. 1

I can see what you, the reader, is thinking. How did this all begin? 'The girl', can I be any more vague. I could be, but, I won't be. 2

It all started, one day, a group of young girls were hanging out in the mall. 3

"Hey, rich girl, I bet you can't go into, grandma Martha's old house." Miranda teased. Her dark, shoulder length hair highlighted her bright eyes. The other girls snickered. They knew how careless and shallow Lisa could be. 4

Lisa turned around. Her golden locks shone, walking and twirling her hair, she hesitated "Um...whatever, I'll do it." The light perfectly hit her necklace. It was an odd piece of jewelery, Lisa had not known where it came from, and whom it belonged to before ...but oh man, was it shiny. 5

The girls gave one another puzzled looks. "But...Lisa, nobody who's ever went in came out!" Valerie cried out, her eyes as wide as saucers. "Lisa, you're so..." She narrowed her eyes and stopped in mid-sentence. 6

Lisa brushed off Valerie's comment. "Tonight" she said "In a couple of hours. I am going to walk into that house and sit with the dead old lady, who used to bake poisonous cookies. And, if I'm not able to get out, my chauffeur will come and fetch me." She grinned, not knowing the terror heading towards her in two hours. 7

Miranda was mesmerized by it."If you call your chauffeur or come running out like a punk... I want that necklace!" Greed shone in her eyes.8

The crowd was silent. Valerie eye's widened. Without thinking twice, Lisa narrowed her eye. She was ready to risk giving up the only thing in her life that could not be replaced. "Bring it on!" Lisa whispered. 9

Valerie was speechless. She rolled her hazel eyes and ran her
fingers through her bright red hair and shook her head in disbelief. 10

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~11

A few hours went by, two hours to be exact. The clock stroke midnight. The full moon shone. The streets of their deserted small town, empty. The town was asleep, but these girls were wide awake. The event that was about to take place happen would give the whole town a wake up call, a loud one. 12

Lisa was ready. Miranda, who seemed like a different person was ready. Valerie was ready. The other girls, who had nothing else to do watched. Parents didn't know, Grandparents didn't know, siblings didn't know. They girls were alone, with only a chauffeur. The chauffeur was an odd man. No one knew where he come from or who is he exactly. Even as the narrator, I begin to wonder, does he even have a name? I mean_. Never mind, I should get back to the story. 13

The girls stood, face to face, head to head, shoulder to shoulder. Lisa had no second thoughts. Miranda had greedy thoughts. Valerie had worried thoughts and the other girls... just watched.14

"I'm ready" Lisa grinned, her eyes sparkled. Only the narrator could tell her fate (thats me!! ). 15

~~WORK IN PROGRESS~~

Author notes

Its terror because... I was very descriptive. I tried to make it vivid, so you can really see it. You don't have to love it, just, I hope you enjoyed reading it, and you didn't drop dead out of boredom.
I found out terror was like the feeling of anxiety, like goosebumps . Then horror is like an intense, painful feeling of repugnance and fear, like Scream . Thx_ nora
i also wanted to give it a little comedy, heyy, i tried

huh, HUH???

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Comments

1 - 18 of 18

  • Wickedruby1 gold member
    June 13

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    Excellent

    Very intresting story, I had thought we wouk=ld go on with the crazy mother and Lily. This sounds like a house I once went in just because I could.It was just a joke nothing was in it but i Have a feeling that isn't the case here.


  • Victoria Locket
    November 3, 2007

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    Magnifico!!

    I really enjoyed this magnificent work of art. I agree, it has great detail, it is a wonderful start, I suggest that you work out the topic. Think about what else you can improve on it, and then plan what will happen any time you can. I love the grammar errors. It means that you are a great story writer, but you have a technical difficulty with the structure of your story. I can't wait to read more!!5/55/55/55/55/55/5!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


    • Simply.Nora.
      November 3, 2007
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      thanx. its gonna be perfect u know, ima structure, Ima put da comments in mind _nora


  • IrishYndina Greeters member
    October 27, 2007

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    What an interesting way to write a story. I don't think I've seen anything like this before lol. You have some good details, despite it's shortness, and I think the abrupt cut-off ending could be really effective.

    So...I'm going to offer two suggestions, which you can think about or ignore as you see fit. First, a piece this short is really more like a prose poem - every individual word counts, the context of each individual word counts, the syntax of each individual word counts...you get the idea lol. While editing this, I would suggest you go through word by word and decide if the placement and word choice and syntax of each is exactly what you want it to be. Basically, fewer words means more emphasis on each individual word. Make sense?

    Second, you have a lot of details in here, and that's an excellent start - part of what makes reading a short piece like this worth-while. But some of your details come off as being vague. Still creepy, but not as intricate as they could be. For instance, "The floor was creaky" is a good detail to have, but you could take it the next step; could it be something like "The old wooden floor, stained with shadows and scratched by time, creaked and groaned like old oak branches in a cemetery." Ok, that's not excellent or anything lol. But hopefully it gives you an idea of what I mean.

    Anyways, this is an interesting idea for a horror piece, and I am intrigued by your form. Good job and keep it up. Hopefully you'll find something I've said helpful lol.

    • Simply.Nora.
      October 27, 2007
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      if i didnt find anything helpful, i'd be an idiot. Thanx for the comment, I hope u dont mind if i use one of ur lines. its really good. Thank you so muchhhhh. _nora


  • SignifyingNothing
    October 26, 2007

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    Some cool stuff in here. But I would like to read more. What is the girl like? We get that she is 'shallow' and get the sense that she is in denial about things in her life. It takes a major horrific event to get her to notice things. This is intriguing. I would like to know more about that. More background would be good. The potential is there in this piece, I think, but it needs to be expanded. As it is its interesting, but (imo) flash fiction usually only works if there is a twist at the end. This reads more like a scene from a horror story. If you do expand on this, send me a message and I'll read it, because you definitely have me interested!


    • Simply.Nora.
      October 27, 2007
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      Thanx, i with improve it. It will be very interesting. _nora


  • karma-n-peace
    October 22, 2007

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    Yep, it's short. LOL, No but seriously though
    it is entertaining and has left me (the reader) wanting to know more.
    You definatley have a talent for story writing.

    • Simply.Nora.
      October 23, 2007
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      Thank you so much. I want to know more too, lolz. ima finish it, u know, im just busy, i barely have time to IM ma friendz


  • purplelirpa
    October 20, 2007

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    good start

    i think if you spent a little more time on this to develop it, it would be more interesting. There are a few grammatical errors, but I won't focus on those so much.
    The sentence "This girl was shallow...could not ignore it." doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Maybe you could find a more direct way to say this, for instance: It was so shocking she couldn't turn away.
    If you want to give the reader an idea of who the character is, or what qualities they have, show them. You can show that a person is shallow and it will be more interesting than if you just say "she was shallow." This is where developing a bit of a background or engaging your character in dialogue with another character helps.


    • Simply.Nora.
      October 23, 2007
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      Thanx, im workin on it, im goin to finish it. I'll look at every comment 4 help. Thank You.


  • NotTheDroids
    October 19, 2007

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    This looks like a couple of paragraphs taken from a much longer piece. It deserves to be started and finished, because it is well written but hanging in limbo waiting for the story to go with it.

    Green and blue "gunk" - is gunk the best word you could use?

    And don't say "It was scary." - tell the reader what was scary about it and let tem come to the conclusion themselves. "oozing out the walls" should have an "of" in there somewhere.

    Apart from that - a very good write, and with a very good balance to it.

    Please finish it?


  • Oblivion Kitty God silver member
    October 18, 2007

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    Not sure why you cut is so short, but nonetheless, I can work with it. It's about as detailed as you can get in a story this short, I suppose. But the story moves too fast and leaves too many questions open. For instance, who is this girl? What does she look like, where is she from, who are her friends, why aren't they here with her? Where is here? Why is she here? Was it a dare, curiousity, or just dumb luck? To what to the red eyes belong, what evil haunts this place?

    There is so very much that is left to the imagination. Try expanding the story more - a lot more - and going in depth with the character and adding a few others, detailing the scene and situation and drawing the reader in.

    For such a short piece, it's a good start. Nice brainstorming, I'd say. Keep at it and go deeper.

    • Simply.Nora.
      October 18, 2007
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      Great questions, and they will bet answered, Thanks for all those encouraging comments, i mean, yea I can develop it, make it great, and i will. Thank you, I will expand it and make it the best I can. Its is going to be great, and I'll answer you questions. _ thank you,


  • hllykat
    October 17, 2007

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    I like it... I think it's a great start to a potentially terrifying story.... would love to see you add to this. I'm curious to know more about the creature.... why it wants to eat her (by the way, I love this line: "...,seeing if she was good enough to eat."). I'd like to know more about what he looks like, here he came from, etc. Many of my stories start out very short like this.... there's nothing wrong with that.... it's good practice, and you never know when the next great idea will strike... i'm 27 years old and still have stories from 10+ years ago that I never finished. When the time is right, you will. The important thing is to write if that's what you enjoy doing. There's no law that says you have to finish everything you start! Look at how many famous unfinished symphonies there are. Don't get discouraged. At least you are still writing.... that's more than some people can say...

    • Simply.Nora.
      October 18, 2007
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      thanks a lot. Um, I will add more to it.. because I have something to start with, i might as well. Thanks for the comment. I'll make it the best i can. Thank you

  • Devious Love
    October 16, 2007

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    Definately got the feeling across... but was it supposed to cut short at "th_"?
    Good imagery. Maybe a little bit TOO short actually it's more setting a scene than an actual story, but it's still good.

    • Simply.Nora.
      October 16, 2007
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      my teacher always said i couldnt finish a story. ya know what, its hard for me to finish a story i guess in a way it was like an excuse to not end it. _ i suk. thanx 4 comment. _nora
      yes and th_ is when its cut short.

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