Aromus slowed the horses as Belle appeared. Her breath labored as she walked towards the group. Sweat and dirt hung from her body as Vox Silver handed her a fresh container of water. Crispin dismounted and headed for her, followed by Forthroan.1
“What have you seen?” Crispin asked her.2
Belle wiped her mouth with the back of her hand smearing dirt across her cheek. “One patrol heads this way. Maybe an hour away.” She paused to catch her breath. “There is a cluster of ivy and blackberry bushes ahead with an abandoned den inside. It seems big enough for even the horses. I couldn’t find any tracks coming in or out.”3
“Show us.” Crispin turned to Siren.4
Belle lead the way as Crispin and the rest of the group walked their horses. Rage stomped and snorted while casting a wary eye around. Siren petted his neck to try to soothe him. Silence surrounded the small group.5
Finally Belle held up her hand to halt them then pointed to a large overgrowth. Ivy and blackberry bushes intertwined gracefully together, giving complete privacy to whatever resided inside. White blossoms bloomed sporadically throughout the bushes giving off a fragrant smell.6
Crispin motioned everyone into the opening. Tag and Vox carefully held the brambles back. After everyone was in he, Tanner and Jenkins covered the entrance with more loose branches.7
Siren held Angel while she petted Rage keeping him calm. The darkness was thick with slits of light penetrating through openings. A hand startled her as it landed on her shoulder.
“If they come too close you know what to do?” Crispin whispered into her ear.8
She nodded, but remembered he couldn’t see her. “Yes,” she said.9
“Have you an idea of what you’re going to conjure?”10
“No, I really don’t. I’m too nervous.” She turned her thoughts to Angel. "Angel, what do you think?" 11
Angel shook herself and her ears twitched tickling Siren’s arm. “I’ve been thinking about this since morning. You’re good at creating scenes. Maybe you could create the scenery outside as if nothing unusual has happened.”12
“What exactly do you mean?”13
“Recreate everything you’ve seen out there. Then throw in forgetfulness.”14
“That’s brilliant Angel.” She almost squealed with delight. “I will make them forget they were searching for us!” Siren put her hand on Crispin’s arm to get his attention. “Tell everyone to cover their ears when I start. It will decrease the effect of my song and keep them from forgetting the mission,” she whispered.15
The group stopped moving and everyone held their breath as they heard steps outside. Twigs snapped and cloth whispered against shrubs as the man searched. Siren heard more voices as she prepared to start singing.16
“Over here,” one man called as footsteps came running from all directions.17
Crispin put his hand on Siren’s arm. Instantly there was a melody swirling and turning all around the people standing in the dark. In their heads they could see the land outside the den. She felt Crispin move away from her and the land outside stayed the way they remembered it.18
From outside the den the men had stopped moving. Bushes and trees no longer moved. Still Siren sang on, calling to them to forget what they were doing. Little by little the men started walking away. The group listened as the movements faded.19
Once the footsteps faded Forthroan ushered the group out. The guards patted Siren on the back as they mounted their horses. Slowly they headed towards the Cliffs that loomed ahead.20
“That was pretty good singing you did back there.” Crispin said as he rode up next to her. “I thought they had found us for a minute.”21
She lowered her eyes and stroked Angel’s coat. “Thank you. Angel said you would need me and I guess you did.” Angel purred in her arms as they rode on. “But for some reason I don’t think that’s what she meant.”22
Why do you say that?” he asked.23
Siren thought for a minute. “I’m not sure. I think it was because she decided it was time to talk to me.” Angel was now asleep on the neck of Rage. “She had plenty of opportunities to talk to me before. I always seem to attract attention to myself. Like with the Trolls the other night. I still don’t know why they were after me.”24
He looked at her thoughtfully. “Maybe they just wanted to hear you sing.”25
A sparrow flew to a tree ahead of them to sing, while a breeze kicked up cooling them from the sun. Up above fluffy clouds drifted by in an azure sky. Rabbits and grasshoppers played in the tall grass.26
“I don’t think that is why.” She looked at him seriously. “Can I tell you something? But you mustn’t tell uncle.”27
He nodded his head making his hair fly in his face. 28
“When I was hiding outside the window I heard one of them talking about a stone. They thought I had this stone.” She looked ahead of her onto the broad back of Pegg. “I don’t have a stone. So I’m not sure what they were after.”29
“That’s very strange. What would Trolls want with a stone?” 30
“I keep thinking about that. If it was just my singing they wanted why not hear me at the Barrels Down Tavern? Or come and talk to me. I would have considered their request if they had asked.”31
“But you said it was this stone they wanted. Are you sure you don’t have a stone, like in a ring or a pendant?”32
Her hand went to her throat. Could they want my necklace? She thought to herself. No, it was just a worthless trinket given to me by my adopted mother. “No I have no such thing of importance,” she said to him.33
"Then I don’t see what they could have wanted with you. Maybe they were mistaken.”34
After that they were quiet. The day wore on and the thirteen men and women soon tired. The cliffs had gotten closer but were still a day ride. The peaks poked the heavy clouds as the little band rode on. Crispin sent Belle on to scoot ahead while they found a place to camp for the night. They saw no more patrols that day.
Author notes
Edited 10/18, 3/5/08
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
-
As a continuing chapter this is well written. It does the job of placing where this group is, shows their danger, then quickly addresses it, and sets them on their way again.
The pace of this chapter moved along briskly. Obviously, I’m not well acquainted with the characters; still they were interesting and the activity easy to visualize.
I do have to read the beginning to judge the plotting, and to be able to ‘See’ who these marvelous creatures are. Why are they running, and from whom? Somehow they are familiar. So I must have read another section of the story. Darn, chapter lag.
As a continuing chapter this is well written. It does the job of placing where this group is, shows their danger, then quickly addresses it, and sets them on their way again.
If it was the first or second chapter, I have to say you're a little sparse on discription.
I picked out a few things you might want to look at.
“Show us.” Crispin turned to Siren and (winked.) query, is the wink a carry over from earlier chapters?
“If they come (to) too close you know what to do?”
“I’ve been thinking about this since this morning. This echoes and the second one isn’t needed.
. The guards (padded) patted Siren on the back as they mounted their horses.
“That was pretty good singing you did back (there.”
, Crispin said as he rode up next to her. “I thought they had found us (there )for a minute.” echo and the second there isn’t needed.
Why do you say that?” he( He) asked.
Siren thought for a (minute, ).
(opportunies) opportunities to talk to me before
He looked at her (thoughtfully,). “(maybe) Maybe they just wanted to hear you sing.”
She looked at him (seriously, “can) . “Can I tell you something? But you mustn’t tell uncle.”
Her hand went( to throat.) to her throat.
. “No I have no such thing of (importance.”, she ( She) said to him.
("Then I don’t see what they could have wanted with you. Maybe they were mistaken.” YES! Nice hook.
Geri
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
-
-
You know I don't know why I put the wink in. Do you think I should take it out?
-
Hey thanks for pointing all those out. Wow!! And here I thought I read though it and found most
Guess not, but thanks again. I will get right on those. 
Brooke
-
-
This is my first time reading a chapter from your story. You did a great in developing the characters, and you are taking them somewhere.
If you want to this story publish your manusprti is going to be 50,000 to 75,000 words. So take time to in writing a chapter show everything that you can.
for explame make the longer action longer and show your characters panicing because the ememny is coming. Make Siren to feel the pressure of this life and death struggle.
Down below I found some nits:
She nodded, but remembered he couldn’t see her. (“Yes,” she then said.) {I loved this line.}
*delate then
“Tell everyone to cover their ears when I start. It will decrease the effect of my song and keep them from forgetting the (mission.” She whispered.)
* mission," she whispered.
“Over here,” one man (called. Footsteps) came running from all directions.
*called as the footsteps
(Siren thought for a minute,) “I’m not sure. I think it was because she decided it was time to talk to me.”
*Not a speeach tag so change the , to a .
(He looked at her thoughtfully,) “maybe they just wanted to hear you sing.”
*Not a speech a tag so change the , to a .
“I don’t think that is why.” (She looked at him seriously,) “can I tell you something? But you mustn’t tell uncle.”
*Not a speech a tag so change the , to a .
You are doing a wonderful job and this is a great story so keep on writing!
Lynn
return the favor?
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
-
-
Hey I just wanted to say thank you for explaning to me when to use a (.) and when to use a (,). I never really understood until now.
-
Thanks so much for pointing those out and for the suggestions. I am going to fix those soon.
Again thanks for reading this and for helping this poor 'action' writer.
Brooke
-
-
I can understand what is happening here, and i love the way you describe the backgrounds!
The ending is a bit of a mystery though and you have left us with the question of her necklace...
I do agree with eyeambaldman, but it is coming along well and I love reading this story ;D
-
-
Thanks so much. I am hoping to start writing on this again soon. I love that everyone is being so helpful. AGain thanks.
Brooke
-
-
After everyone was in he, Tanner and Jenkins ---I'm guessing you mean Crispin as the "he"???
In the conjuring scene, I was hoping you'd show more. You tell us what happens, but I don't actually see it. Does that make sense?
I like how you brought back the trolls. I had forgotten about them.
Overall, good chapter, I'd just like to "see" the conjuring scene a bit better. -
-
See that's what I had thought. Ok so I really need to go back and show you and not just write it. As I said before this is my vise. I need major help on this stuff. Thanks for being honest. I will see what I can do.
Brooke
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 10 of 10
