In chapter one—section one, the man who hit Garth Ahern with his auto, carried him off then left him lying beside a petrol station. I haven’t separated chapters yet so this is the next two sections.
Garth Ahern liked the hospital. He enjoyed the white on whites and clean smell of it all. For a whole day and two nights, he’d been the center of attention. The sisters', friendly and comforting, took special care of him. All he need do was whimper a bit and one was at hand to provide anything he wanted. He especially liked the fresh cream-rich milk and sweet pastry. He never remembered a time when his belly had been so full.
The uniformed bloke scared him only a little, then he delighted in the man's expression as he plied him with his tale. "A bloke grabbed me, big as a mountain he was, hammered me, he did. My name? Sure but I don't remember…" As the time went on the story grew until Garth began to screw things up. His ginger-haired villain remained but the eyes, he'd never seen, went from green to blue and back again. The long ragged scar on the kidnapper's cheek ended up on his chin and got shorter.
By the end of the interview the constable tore up the description and tossed it in the trash. "We'll try again later," he promised.
Garth smiled, curled up, turned on his belly and pretended sleep.
Shortly he overheard. "Some poor bloke must ta sideswiped him with his car. Probably didn't have a license or some such problem. So he left him off." The constable's tone hinted at amusement. "Lad will be telling whoppers about this for years."
"You don't think he even saw the auto or the driver?" The Doctor asked.
"Not likely. Less he's a reason for lying and that don't make sense. Little fellow just luvs to hear himself talk."
On the second morning, they brought Garth's mother. Leona swept into his pleasant room weeping and wringing a soiled hanky in her hands. "My poor wean…sure it's my boy."
The room became dreary and dull for Garth as if someone shut off the sun.
Damn! Damn! He wanted his flying legs back. Out the window he would fly. Why hadn't he run faster? In Garth's mind he truly believed he'd nearly accomplished his goal that night. He’d nearly outrun his fate. He had run so fast he'd ended up in this wonderful haven of a hospital.
Now the witch was back. She was gonna drag him off. How could he stop her? "Sure, who’s this lady?" He sniffled loudly to give the impression she scared him. "She sure ain't me mum."
"Gareee, no." She sobbed phony- like as if his words broke her heart. "Doctor, what's happened ta my boy?"
"A slight concussion. In a few days he'll be fine."
Fine my arse. He would keep up the lie. Swear he didn't know the woman. They wouldn't make him leave with some old hag, just cause she claimed she owned him. They couldn't do that!
"You take him home, Mrs. Ahern," the doctor said. "Once he's in familiar surroundings, he'll be himself shortly."
No! He wanted to scream at them. The heroes had rescued him, but the fuckin' law had butted in. Look at the act she's puttin' on. Can't they see she hates me?
Two miserable days later, Garth went home with his mother. He didn't put up a fuss but he refused to call her ma. This seemed to hold Leona at bay for days. She talked nice to him and didn't swat him.
*****
The day after Garth Ahern’s release from the hospital, Reporter Alex Cahill finished an assignment in London for his New York newspaper. He then made an unscheduled side trip to Dublin. It was a little past ten in the morning, five days since his car had connected with a small figure on the patch of dirt road just south of the Northern Irish town of Strabane.
This morning he was parked in a chair, in his room at the Royal Dublin, with only a towel wrapped about his waist. Five days worth of newspapers, blaring headline about a murdered politician, made a black and white hill on the floor. It bothered him that following the short article on the child’s accident, there was nothing more mentioned.
Alternately he glanced at the newsprint and then out the window. He could clearly see the exit from the Dublin train station across the street.
A revolver lay in sight on the small table beside his left arm. Since Cahill also functioned within organizations where everything was kept on a need to know, he wasn't certain his contact would come by train. Still, the request for an untraceable exit from the country had been his and he’d been instructed to take this room.
He didn't so much as twitch when the key turned in the lock and the door started to open. He simply curled his fingers around the handle of the gun and pointed it along with a dark stare at the man entering.
Satisfied, he nodded and withdrew his hand from the weapon as the intruder said, "You're a damn cool one, Cahill. Sitting there in your all together, like you was expecting a lass."
"Just had a shower. So what's the story?"
"The old bloke ain’t running for Government office again."
"Knew that. When I put 'em down it's permanent. What about the kid?"
"I figure the kid you ran down was a lad of nine. Didn't do him much damage. Lad’s back with his ma. Spieling off like he was kidnapped and beat up on by some red-haired bloke." Ryan Mason's thin frame shook with a sudden burst of quick laughter.
Then he became serious. "Law is not buying his tale. But they aren’t tying his accident in with McCarthy's death. The silly description the kid provided is closer than the one given by the constables who nearly grabbed you.” He withdrew a packet from his inside pocket and tossed it on the table. "Boat will take you out at Dun Leoghaire tonight. You'll be back with your suit and tie buddies before the morning flight from Heathrow into Kennedy."
Cahill shrugged, got up and started towards the toilet. "You sure that kid's gonna be all right?" He stopped and half turned to catch Mason’s reply.
"You're a strange bloke. Murder a man for money but concern yourself over some fool kid."
"Murder is a harsh word, lad." Cahill's lips spread in a tight-lipped grin. "Figured McCarthy's demise was part of the pest control system."
"Right. Funny thing about that kid, story goes his pa, Daniel Ahern, was arrested during a riot back in '69. Died in a prison fight. Dan was a hard drinking kid of nineteen but never mixed in politics. Sure as Hell wasn't IRA."
Cahill paused with his back again towards Mason. There was a hint of surprise in his gray eyes but he didn’t turn around only asked. "His boy got some kind of a future?"
"Not hardly, his ma on the dole."
"You could change that."
"And why should I?"
"'cause I asked."
"'cause I asked," Mason sneered to himself as he watched the broad pale back of Cahill disappear behind the closing toilet door. He dropped into the chair Cahill had vacated.
Big son of bitch thinks because he looks like a gladiator, he can give orders like a king. Then he contemplated. Just maybe the kid had gotten a glimpse of him. Nah, he'd personally read the RUC report on the perpetrator who shot McCarthy. They knew he was a big bloke, but Cahill was blond and his head had been enclosed in a ski mask. The kid dreamt up the red-haired giant.
Mason found the idea funny; that the tough son of a bitch could go weak bellied over a little kid he'd hurt. Mason struggled to contain his mirth. He was no coward but he wasn't stupid either. He'd watched Cahill effortlessly cripple more than one fellow. Cahill had a right to ask a favor. He'd more than earned his pay. McCarthy, that quisling, had been ready to sell them out. Peace--peace shit, peace wasn't victory.
Author notes
In the regular text, thoughts are in italics.
In a list
[Reward: double points]
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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I could have sworn i had read this chapter before and commented on it. Seeme i must be imagining things. I did enjoy this immensily and thought the action taking place around the boy in the hospital was excellent. The drama was well thought out and the characters you have applied in this story are wonderful.
. Rewarded 6
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Interesting. Sudden change of luck for Garth Ahern, from being hit by a car to getting some very unusual allies. Not sure if it's good luck considering how dangerous the allies are.
. Rewarded 4
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great story, rich characters and believable dialogue.Cant wait to read more, alas there is a need for sleep
. Rewarded 4
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Very enjoyable
Not my genre really, but very enjoyable. It is obviously well liked by others and is very much standing the test of time given I have noticed a lot of further chapters !
It read like it had the making of a TV series/drama ? I must read more when I get the opportunity, and see how the your take on the 'conflict/toubles' pans out. It is a subject that is very close to my heart !
. Rewarded 8
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Previously read and commented, and of course, loved it. Don't believe me? Read my comment below!!!!
C'mon, people, read this! It's quite good! -
This is really enjoyable to read. You write like a pro. So many storylines are opening up and questions are being raised. Is this a novel that you have actually completed?
. Rewarded 4
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This is working well. There are some punctuation changes that could make it flow a little more easily in the reading, and I'd like to have seen more conversational dialog between him and the constable for the simple reason that his imagination would have made it interesting.
I think repositioning the comma in this sentence would help, so it reads:
"His ginger-haired villain remained, but the eyes he'd never seen went from green to blue and back again."
I found myself wishing I knew what went through the boy's mind when he overheard the constable laughing that he was fabricating--also, more of his physical demeanor and facial expression in reaction to when his mother showed up. I get it through the telling, but this is one place where the imagery and body language would work well.
I would suggest an ellipsis at the end of this sentence, too: "Not hardly, his ma on the dole...."
The last line would take on more power if it was set off by itself, perhaps in a new paragraph:
"Peace. Peace, shit! Peace wasn't victory."
My suggestions are merely technical.
I'm hooked on the story. Well, done!
. Rewarded 8
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Yes! You are moving right along here. I ‘luv ‘ it when a reader continues on to the next chapter—I figure I must have done something right—grin.
I appreciate the suggestions you are making, and will incorporate some in the next draft.
It is grand news that you aren’t asking a whole lot of questions, so I will take it that the plot is obeying me. I’m hoping the novel is nearly completed.
I will have to return this fine effort of yours. Are you focused on any particular work at the moment?
Geri
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The sisters', friendly and comforting, took special care of him.--->No apostrophe needed after "sisters"
The Doctor asked.--->No need to capitalize "doctor" unless it's Doctor Smith or something...
She talked nice to him and didn't swat him. ---> "him" is repetitive in this sentence. Try re-writing to change it up a bit.
I'm starting to like Garth now. A love the fact that he lies about Leona being his mother so he can stay in the hospital. Poor kid.
Big son of bitch thinks because he looks like a gladiator, he can give orders like a king. Then he contemplated.--->These are a couple awkward sentences back-to-back. I think you need "son-of-a-bitch" instead of "son of bitch"...and the 2nd sentence seems incomplete.
Ok, one thought, Cahill is a reporter? And a hitman? Damn, talk about moonlighting?
The dialogue rocks in this part. You really have a knack for it. I like Garth, and his mother is obviously an idiot. Hmmm...plot thickens...I'm digging it so far! Keep posting!
. Rewarded 8
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What a nice surprise to find on my lunch break.
I didn’t finish reading one review when another popped up.
Hi Phil, you have given my ego one heck of a boost. You read all the way to chapter five in one sitting. I must be doing something right-grin.
You don’t seem to be having any difficulty following the plot. Everything you say is right on target.
Thanks for the comments and making those suggestions. I’ll keep them at hand when I do the next draft.
Geri
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I've read and commented on this part before. I liked having the opportunity to read it again. I look forward to reading it another time once the edits have been made
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This is a well written story so far and a good read.
This is a well written story so far and a good read.
Garth liked the hospital, it was much better than his home life.
He was interviewed by the police about his injury. He made up a story about a fictitious character and gave a false description.Police were not buying his story though.
Garth’s mother showed up at the hospital and talked the staff into letting her take him home. Garth made the pretense of refusing to recognize her, in an unsuccessful effort to stay in the hospital. His attempt to escape from her had failed.
Alex Cahill had been the one driving the car which hit Garth. Alex had just murdered an Irish politician for the IRA and was trying to get away from the police when he ran into Garth
Alex feels guilty about running into Garth and is concerned about his welfare.
It appears that Garth’s father was not affiliated with the IRA.
A remark by Alex’s handler sums up the problem of settling the Irish rebellion, “peace wasn’t victory.”
This chapter clears up some of the unanswered question created by the previous chapter.
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Hi Lou, you may not want to write about the darker side of human nature, but you certainly understand it.
The way you follow my writing, figure out the plotting and understand the characters’ feelings and actions is a testament to my ability—smile.
Explaining to me what you understood from both chapters was an unexpected compliment—you never missed at beat. You saw every situation in the way I desired the reader to.
I know there are a lot of details about the Irish Conflict missing. This I hope won’t be a problem simply because the novel is destine to be an action thriller, more in line with modern crime than past problems. Then to the activity doesn’t remain exclusively in Ireland.
These first two chapters were to establish identities.
Thanks so much for reading and commenting.
Geri
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Wow - excelletentay!!! and yes I'm pretty sure that's a word - if it isn't, it is now - but back to the point.
This story has so much potential right here; this is awesome stuff. A hit-man with a concience: and there's nothing wrong with that nice job mate. Descriptions, spelling grammar all perfect, the suspense - thrilling!
You've surpassed most of the people on this site man! Well done -
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Wow! You really made my morning with those great comments.
I would love to clone you--grin.
Joking aside, I appreciate your reading and complimenting my work. I’m glad you enjoyed it and hope you will continue to do so.
Geri
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I love this! Its not something I would normally pick up at a bookstore or library but after reading this...
the plot from both 1 and 2 ties togther nicely and I like both the main characters, the boy and the man
EXCELLENT READ
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Both sections—YES! thank you. I so appreciate your reading and the great comments.
I know my characters are always a bit on the dark side, so when someone likes them, they apparently can ‘See’ below the surface—that’s great. It means I’m doing the job right.
Did you post in Group yet? I’ll check it out. I do most of my crits on weekends.
Again, thanks, Geri
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He enjoyed the white on whites and clean smell of it all
white on white of what?
It's unlikely the police would sound so informal that kind of threw me.
If Garth is only 9 you might want to try making him sound younger. I thought he was older
Funny thing about that kid, story goes his pa
should be a fullstop after kid then comma after goes.
"'cause I asked."
"'cause I asked,"
forgot your caps here
You might want to add single quotes to set the thoughts off from the rest. That's whatI do when I'm a free member. It helps for emphasis.
This is a good chapter. It reminds me of a John Grisham book, The Client. Good work though. Other than the kid sounding older than he is, the dialogue flowed well. I am interested in seeing where you take this. -
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White on white is a term for extremely clean. If it throws the reader off, I can change it?
You can’t judge Irish cops by Yankees—grin.
(It reminds me of a John Grisham book, The Client.) YES! that’s the best compliment I’ve had in a while. Now if I could sell books like he does—sigh.
(You might want to add single quotes to set the thoughts off from the rest. That's what I do when I'm a free member.) What’s a free member? I joined as a Gold member and they collect every month. Not that I’m complaining this is the most active site I have belong to. I would like to know how to make my indentations and italics to come through—please—smile.
Thanks so much for reading and that terrific comment. I have considered making Garth eleven. Still, I know that abused kids are street wise and smarter than their peers. I’ll wait until I finish the story.
And if I can keep you reading (hint) you can help me decide.
Geri
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