Sonya woke up wrapped in a blanket to a crackling fire. She leaned against the saddle. Throne held an old worn out pan over the fire. His long black hair pulled back into a ponytail as it danced in the light. She checked her wrists, and she was free for the moment. 1
The evening red sky begun to shoot out its red lights, as the daylight would soon be gone. He set the pan, as it sizzled and sparked on the dirt. He dipped out the food into a bowl with his wooden spoon, sprinkled some seasoning on it. She gazed at his huge muscles on his chiseled body as he walked towards her.2
“I know you're awake. Eat because you're going to need your strength.” He bent down as he smiled at her.3
“Are you a foe or an ally?” She stared into his dark brown eyes.4
“Mi' lady, time will reveal all.”5
“True. You saved me for your own purpose.” Thorne placed the bowl next to her and then walked away, 6
She picked up the bowl and observed him. The brown beans’ aroma entered her nose, which made her stomach growl for the food. She grabbed the old spoon and scooped them up. The beans' spicey flavor melted in her mouth as she swallowed, scooping more of them. He returned holding a pouch in his hand.7
“When was the last time that you ate?”8
“A long time ago,” she mumbled while chewing.9
“Here’s some water for you.” He sat down next to her and pulled open the cork.10
Sonya took the pouch and drank the smooth water that went down her dry throat. She continued to eat the beans.11
“You're an excellent cook.”12
“Thank you.” He leaned on the saddle. “You've manners of a Lady.”13
“You're a soldier for hire.”14
“Then you're a Lady of the Court.”15
She stared into the fire and placed the bowl beside her.16
“Why did the Priests have you in chains?” He touched her hand. “Your cuts were very deep on your wrists.”17
“I don't want to talk about it.”18
“Alright, then tell me the court that you reign in, and I'll take you back there.”19
Sonya turned her head and caught his glance upon her. Throne held her hand, but she made no movement as she looked onto the clear sky.20
This is my chance to have my freedom. I can lie, and he will take me anywhere unharmed. The Light is absolute truth; therefore, I mustn't lie to him and the Light will protect me.21
Sonya turned her head. “I don't belong to any court. I'm a maiden.”22
“Good. Maidens are more fun anyway.” He stroked her thick red hair, his touch was warm and soft for a warrior. His strong hand moved down to caress her peach skin.23
Her breathing became short with quick breaths as new sensations entered her body. She wanted more of his soft smooth touch.24
“Just relax, I promise you this will be a pleasurable experience for the both of us.” He placed his left arm behind her back.25
“What do you mean?” she asked.26
He looked at her to see more of her beauty. “This is my lucky day.” 27
He kissed her softly on the forehead as he pulled her closer to him. His left hand rubbed her back and he leaned to kiss her tenderly on her lips. Sonya gave him a light kiss, as another kiss came as his hand caressed her lower back.28
Throne took his other hand and began to unwrap the blanket. She tried to wiggle from him as her head spun. Throne pulled her back to him as he kissed her neck. She attempted to push herself away from him.29
“Just relax, and I promise that you'll have a good time,” he whispered into her ear.30
His strong hands moved up and down her back searching for an opening on her dress. Sonya wiggled away as he pulled her back to him. Then he carefully laid her on the ground.31
“I feel very strange,” she said, gasping for her breath.32
“You'll be fine. I gave you something that will relax you.” He gave her a strong kiss, and she kissed him back. Throne started kissing her neck again, along with placing his hand on her leg.33
“Stop!” she snapped as she tried to move his hand.34
“You'll be alright. Just relax, and you'll have a good time.”35
“No! Get off me!” Sonya punched his back with all her strength. He grabbed her arms and pinned them over her head as he sat up.36
“You're more of a fighter than I thought.” Throne smiled at her.37
“Get off me!”38
“Maiden, tonight you belong to me, and I'm going to have my way with you.”39
“What does that mean?” Fear had entered her body and mind as his strength outweighed hers as he pressed on her body.40
“I guess you need a little bit more of the drug.” He looked around for the bowl.41
“You drugged me!” Sonya squirmed, attempting to get away from him.42
“It’s been a long time I have been with a woman.” He grabbed for the bowl. “I know this is your first time.” He scooped up the beans and placed the spoon near her mouth as she moved her head away.43
“Playing tough, I see.” Throne put the spoon back into the bowl and reached over to the saddlebag.44
“No!” She yelled as she kicked her legs, and she looked at the long leather strap.45
“You'll eat! One way or another I will have you.”46
Sonya stopped struggling, at the same time; she tried to catch her breath. Throne let go of the leather strap and grabbed the water pouch. Then he opened it; put it in her mouth and she drank.47
“Now just relax and eat.” He took away the pouch and placed the cork on it. His right hand replaced his left hand, which held her wrists. He reached for the spoon. Sonya closed her eyes as her spine tingled, and the deep panic began to depart.48
A bright light shot through Throne's body as he went airborne and landed a few feet away from her. Sonya quickly stood up and walked towards him. The spasms overtook his body as he laid there, his fingers began to curl in the dirt. Throne opened his eyes as she was standing there.49
Sonya closed her eyes as a light appeared again. The ball of light floated over to Throne, it went into him, and his body became still.50
“No one should be in fear or in pain.” She turned around to grab her cloak and the water pouch. “You'll be fine in a few minutes,” she said as she run into the forest.
Author notes
If you find any SPAG, please give examples in your review.
Thank you,
Lynn
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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What? He was a bad guy? I thought...but...heh...Well, it was a nice twist and I found the detail captivating. I so didn't expect that one, lol. Good work. I'm off to read more.
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Oh wow! What a twist haha! I kept wondering how she was going to get out of it, drugged up as she was, hoping that she would figure a way to get away. I'm going to read on to see what happens next.
This is great fun!
. Rewarded 4
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Just one quick catch, as most of the others have been caught already, XD.
"The spasms over took his body as he laid there, his fingers began to curl in the dirt."Here, you've made the extremely common mistake of using "laid", hich is actually the past-participle tense, not the past tense, of the verb "lie".
Reminder:
Lay means "to place something down." It is something you do to something else. It is a transitive verb.
Lie means "to recline" or "be placed." It does not act on anything or anyone else. It is an intransitive verb.
The reason lay and lie are confusing is their past tenses.
The past tense of lay is laid.
The past tense of lie is lay.
The past participle of lie is lain. The past participle of lay is like the past tense, laid.
Examples: I could have lain in bed all day.
They have laid an average of 500 feet of sewer line a day.
I hope this helped. If not, IM me.
Tiger-Lily
. Rewarded 8
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’morning Lynn, you have done a good job of establishing Sonya as a main character, someone the reader wants to ‘See’ triumphant
.
I’m not so sure about Throne’s role
. Up until now you had me believing he was the hero who rescued the maiden. It’s beginning to look like he grabbed her for purposes of his own.
He’s not even subtle about his desire but sort of blurts it out. There is some humor here that cuts down on the vileness of his actions.
Now as to the word ‘as’ you are over using it. They probably don’t show up when proof reading. But when you read normally they echo. Here are a few examples.
The evening red sky begun to shoot out its red lights, as the daylight would soon be gone. He set the pan, as it sizzled and sparked on the dirt. He dipped out the food into a bowl with his wooden spoon, sprinkled some seasoning on it. She gazed at his huge muscles on his chiseled body as he walked towards her. “I know you're awake. Eat because you're going to need your strength.” He bent down as he smiled at her.3
“What does that mean?” Fear had entered her body and mind as his strength outweighed hers as he pressed on her body.40
Here are a few things to check:
She checked her wrists, and (discovered, realized, found) she was free for the moment. 1
The beans' spicey (spicy) flavor melted in her mouth as she swallowed, scooping more of them.
The spasms overtook his body as he laid (lay) there, his fingers began to curl in the dirt.
“You'll be fine in a few minutes,” she said as she run (ran) into the forest.
. Rewarded 8
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I thought this chapter started out fairly well and then Throne becomes a savage! It sorta changes directions at that point, and I'm not sure for the better. I thought perhaps Throne (which is a name I'm not completely sold on) would be her protector, but instead he wants to ravish her.
I'm still not sure what's happening after 3 chapters. We still know very little about Sonya at this point, and it would be nice to fill us in a tad since she's the main character.
I think the flow of your prose was well done. The dialogue was natural and realistic. But when Throne starts to turn, Sonya creates a ball of light and throws him off. Does she do this consciously? We don't get that from the text. In fact, we don't get anything about the light from the text. Is this something that she can summon at will? If so, then perhaps word so that the reader knows she has this power. If not, then you need to show us that this new found power surprises her.
Again, I think you have something here, but it just needs to be tightened up a bit.
Keep posting it!
. Rewarded 8
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This chapter starts slowly, but builds in a very good direction.
I question the name Throne. It is difficult to work with this name, as I keep thinking or a king's chair, rather than the person it represents.
As this person appears to be a bit rogueish, I would look for a name that suggests something a bir brutish in nature. Not too brutish though, as I have a feeling you intend for this character not to be the rogue he first appears to be - just a guess, mind you.
It's well-written, and the dialogue is believable, and I think this is a story that can go the distance, so long as you control the magic.
By 'control the magic' I mean that you must place limits on it, or readers will question why she finds herself in predicaments that magic could easily help her escape from.
The simplest of magical limits are:
Limited mana - character needs to recharge after each use of magic
Limited control - the magic doesn't always work as expected
Limited scope - the magic only works under certain circumstances (i.e. only at night)
And there are many others.
I recommend choosing a limiter and then sticking wit it throughout the story.
Here are a few nits I found - and a few suggestions:
[Sonya woke up to a crackling fire as she was wrapped in a blanket and leaned against the saddle.] --> Sonya woke up to a crackling fire. She was wrapped in a blanket and leaning against a saddle.
*written the other way it makes it sound as if someone wrapped her up in a blanket and leaned her against a saddle as she woke up in front of the crackling fire. However, we assume she was wrapped up prior to waking up*
[Sonya gazed at his huge muscles on his chisel body as he walked towards her.] --> Sonya gazed at his huge muscles on his chiseled body as he walked towards her.
[“I know you're awake. Eat because you're going to need your strength.”] --> “I know you're awake. Eat, because you're going to need your strength.”
[She took another scoop of them while Throne returned with the pouch in his hand.] --> She took another scoop of them while Throne returned with a pouch in his hand.
[He stroked her red thick hair, his touch was warm and soft for a warrior, and his strong hand move down to caress her peach skin.] --> He stroked her red thick hair. His touch was warm and soft for a warrior as his strong hand moved down to caress her peach colored skin.
[“It has been a long time, since I have been with a woman.”] --> “It has been a long time since I have been with a woman.”
[He reached for the spoon. Sonya closed her eyes, felt her spine to tingle, and the deep panic began to go away.] --> He reached for the spoon. Sonya closed her eyes, felt her spine tingle, and the deep panic began to go away.
[The spasms over took his body as he laid there, his fingers began to curl in the dirt.] --> The spasms overtook his body as he laid there; his fingers began to curl in the dirt.
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She checked her wrists, and she was free at the moment.
the and throws off what you're trying to show here. She wasn't freed by looking at her wrists so removing that takes away the awkwardness.
she stared into his dark brown eyes.
since no speech is said, "she" should be capitalized
Try using italics or single quotes for thoughts. This sets it off from the rest of the story and adds emphasis.
grasping for her breath
I think you meant "gasping"
Sonya squirmed to attempt to get away from him.
this sounds a little awkward if you reworded it like ...
Sonya squirmed, attempting to get away from him.
for example, that would take it away. You do this a couple times through the story.
Overall it flows well, dialogue is well formed, and it's easy to follow. I enjoyed reading this chapter although it was getting a little close to my comfort zone with content. Otherwise, I am glad that I took the time to read. Well done
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