Monologue # seven - Intern
"Pass the salad please Jenny" Mrs Morley asked, handing her daughter a bowl of mashed potato.
Jenny handed her mother the salad "So are you gonna tell me this news or what , cause the suspense is killing me". she laughed loading her plate with potato.
Her parents looked at one another. "Jenny we'de just like to discuss with you a plan that has already been decided by both your father and I , and well we wanted to discuss it so that when Bobby Arrives you won't feel like we have just sprung it on you".
Jenny raised her eyebrows "Who's Bobby" she asked handing her father the potato.
Her father smiled "Bobby is my internship boy, he is also the son of a very important man that I work with, a very important man who has just suffered a stroke and who Is going to be in hospital for a very long time ; so his wife has asked if young Bobby can live here with us, just until his father is up to coming back to work, or well at least until he's feeling a bit better".
Jenny nodded "And how long do you think it will be exactly".
Mrs Morley sighed "That's just the thing Jenny, nobody knows for sure, not even Bobby's mother or father".
Jenny nodded again trying to take it in, feeling a little angry that they had made a decision without consulting her first "I see".
Mr Morley watched as Jenny added more potato to her plate. "He is a really nice boy, well young man and he'll be no hair under our noses what so ever".
The phone rang, blaring it's annoying tone, Mrs Morley turned around "I'll get it".
Frustrated Jenny banged her fist on the table "No, allow me please".
She stood up banging her plate on the table and went to go answer the phone, leaving her parents speechless.
Author notes
Hay guys
If their is one thing I have learned from this piece is that Jenny loves potato... and who's Bobby hhmmm interesting !!!
ha ha enjoy blair ...xox
In a list
Honest OPINIONS
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Yeah, this is starting to make sense with the prologue, excellent work, would like to see more in the chapters, but that's writer discretion and direction...
DarkOne -
Be more careful...read more!
If I may...I assume you posted this thinking all was well with it...in terms of grammar, punctuation, etc.? Well...alow me a few corrections:
"Pass the salad, Jenny"
Mrs. Morley SAID (this was NOT a question)
..."handed her mother the salad" PERIOD
"...or what?" "The suspense is...etc." Lose "cause"
Lose "she laughed loading her plate with potato." enough with the potato. You don't have to qualify and describe EVERY bit of dialogue with: "she laughed, she asked, she cried...she queried...etc. she SAID is good enough. Check any book with good dialogue. You don't NEED all this extraneous junk. It is not looked upon by writers and editors as especially CREATIVE!
You could have said "she said, loading her plate." PERIOD. A)what she HAD said wasn't especially "laughable" and
enough with the potato. We know what she was "loading" her plate with! C)check the comment above A) (lol!)
"We'd" has no "e"
Lose "with you" sounds like an alien speaking English. No one talks this way.
"And, well," (comma)"we wanted..." etc.
"Arrives" no capital "A"
"raised her eyebrows." PERIOD.
"Who's Bobby, she asked" (forget the freaking potato!) Is it REALLY necessary?
..."father smiled." PERIOD!
..."boy." PERIOD
"He is also..." (capital "H")
don't use "that." Either use the proper "with whom I work"...or just say "man I work with"
NEW SENTENCE: "He is a very important man..."etc.
"is going to be" = WILL BE
"long time." PERIOD
NEW SENTENCE: "His wife"
lose "just"
lose "or well" You, as a writer, are supposed to be writing good, readable prose...not merely the SLOPPY way in which people "speak" and throw sloppy language around!
lose "first" (redundant) (without CONSULTING HER is enough!)
more potato? Is this all you can think of? (sounds like it)
..."nice boy" PERIOD!
Capital "W" for "Well, (COMMA)young man,..." COMMA!
lose the "and"
Whatsoever is ONE word!
..."around." PERIOD
"Frustrated, (COMMA) Jenny...etc"
..."on the table." PERIOD!
"She went to" LOSE "GO" "answer the phone"!(redundant)
New sentence: "Her parents were speechless."
GA
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wooh Bobby now. It'll be bettr if alot more story and plot is added instead of character adding. Maybe that'll come soon. I think this chapter is adequate =)
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It seems to me like your grammar went a little downhill from part six to part seven. But I still think you did a good job on this story still. The story seems to just continue to build itself, and your writing seems to have helped it a bit with your storywriting abilities.
Keep up the great work, Blair! -
Potato salad, mashed potato, what next potato pancakes??? :0)
Ohh, this was a very short chapter, just when I was ready for Bobby to show up, it all came to an end.
I think I can see where this is going!!! -
haha
that would so be my reaction too, if that happened to me.
id be freaking out and crap that sum guy was coming into my home and staying there for god knows how long.
its was kinda short though.
maybe write more for the next time around.
but still, really good
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Not Bad
I'd like to see where this goes. One area of concern though, it's potatos not potatobeginning: 2, language: 2, plot: 1, ending: 2, dialog: 2, characters: 2.
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if it's plural then it's potatoes =P
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You know what I mean the way she wrote it shoud've been potatoes like here "Jenny added more potato..." it should be potatoes
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lol well aren't I just the horse's ass thanks
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yea I do, you just spelled potatos not potatoes on ur first comment lol
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