Blood Lust
A/N: This is about a very crazed serial killer who butchers tortures men. As well as feeds and bathe's on their blood who believed he was a vampire. After he was made one he becomes a crazed killer vampire who feeds on blood as he continues to rape tortures and burly kills men.
Blood Lust
Marco Strong was given the nickname the Vampire Butcher by the police and FBI because of how he tortures butchers men and feed on their blood after raping them. He was the most wanted man alive even the bravest man feared him. Marco believed he was the disinter of Dracula and the blood he feed bath shower on made him the new king of the undead. He met his match and became a real vampire when he was attack by a vampire who turn him making him more dangerous and dangerous then he already was.
After becoming a vampire Marco change his name to Alucard. Begins waring all black he let his hair grow longer and use his vampire powers combine with his looks and body to get men . Marco is tall dark handsome well built and his new look and longer hair made him look like a God.
Each night when he went out to hunt Alucard got three or four men. raping them feeding on them then taking them back to his house were he burtly torture them then kills them and was out to hunt this night.
Like any other night. Alucard was in one of the bars he goes to get men and spot his first victim. He was tall with short cut hair that was dark brown eyes dress in a dark shirt and tight fit jeans. Marcus lust over his body the way his firm round ass fit his jeans.
“Your body fills me with lust. I want it and will have it come with me now” says Alucard
“You’re crazy as hell get the fu.. before the guy could finess and as he look at Alucard he was place under Alucard's mind control. He stands up and walk away with him and was soon in his bedroom.
“What the hell no man get off me no” says the guy who come out of Alucard’s control fighting as he begins ripping his cloths off. Alucard forces him on his knees and over his bed and forced his cock in his ass the guy screams and try’s to stop him as he was being rape but could not he was too strong. Alucard burtly rapes the guy doggy style then bites into his neck feeding until he passes.
The guy awake nude his hands, arms , legs. and feet were all chain sparely the chains had a round device on them were each of his body parts were chain too and his left eye hurt him and look like it had been remove replace back into the sockit and bleed.
“What the fuck let me go . Dam my eye what the fuck has you done to me? What few you want? What are you doing to me?" says the guy who could move but was trap. He could see he was in a room with no doors just walls and a widow were Alucard was watching.
“ What dew you want? Let me go please I want tell anyone” begs the guy
“ You have a choose to live or die. I has chin you to devices that will cut a part from your body every few seconds. And has given you a key that can free you from them. But I has place it behide your left eye sockit there’s knife infrount of you used it to remove your eyes get the key and you will be free. If not you will be torture until you die.” says Alucard smiling evily showing his fangs as he dose.
The guy got the knife and begins to cut into his eye. He scream in pain as he begins to try and cut his eye out blood begins to pour from his eye more as he dose. He lets out a even louder scream as time was out and one of the on his feet cut off one off.
“Oh God fuck, oh God you sick some of a bitch” says the guy
“ Awe fuck” says the guy as time was out again and the leg his foot was cut off from was cut off next. Blood splash all over the floor celing and walls and his foot and leg shake as they hit the floor in a puddle of blood that drains into the floor.
“Just kill me. I can’t take this” says the guy crying as he could not cut his eye out.
Time went out time and time again. Each time it was hell and torture for the guy who’s other foot and leg was cut off. This was follow by the cutting off of his hands and arms they laid around him in puddels of blood shacking. Amazing he was still alive but in shock. Alucard then steps in the room hit a swtich that makes the device cut the guys head off that rounds across the floor and levees the room.
Marcus then went beneath the room were he torture and butcher the guy in. In to another room that look like a shower like airier with a tub he took his cloths off and step in to the blood filled tub. The guy’s blood pour down on him and he bath and feed on it letting out a evil laughs as he dose.
Alucard’s next victim was a jogger. He was tall bald with blue eyes a slender body and warring just black shorts that cling to his ass and had a medum built chest with a six pack. Alucard flies from the sky and lands in front of him. The guy try’s to scream but he took over his mind and then flies off with him in the park and throws him on the ground. The guy out of his mind control begins to fight him but Alucard uses his vampire strength to beat him and rips his shorts and boxxer's off reviling a large cock and smooth firm ass. The guy screams as his ass was burtly fucked by Alucard’s and scream more as he begins he biting into his neck and feed until he passes out.
The guy awake in a tank with his hands through openings filled with keys above were holes.
“I’m going to give you a change to save your life. There’s a key that can free you were your hands are if you fin it you will be free. If you don't fin it. You will die and If I was you I would dew it fast” says Alucard then green liquate pour out from the holes it hit the guy’s arms, sholders and back burning him.
“ Awe. Oh shit awe” says the guy as his arms and hands were being cut by glass as he reach for the keys and try’s to fin the right one more of the green liquate hits his body as it pours out the holes he scream in pain as it burn his skin. But continue on and after cutting his arms badly he got the key and freed himself and gets out the room just as more that would burn him alive pour out.
The guy ran through Alucard's house trying to froce a widow or door open but could not. Untill he came to the basement and ran out.
“Help somebody help me no no” says the guy who thought he was out side. But realize he was just in another airier of Alucard’s house filled with trees bushies and other plants made to look outside. His face filled with horrower more as he sees walls of glass. As he try to go back were he came from. It was block off from were he came from and another door open. He then try slowly walk pass the walls. But they closed in on him cutting him making him has to walk on a platfrom. As he was walking the guy screams in pain as glass was sent up out of it in his feet. He fall and glass rips and cuts into his body and face he could see the door and begain crawling to it leveling a trill of blood and glass was in his body. The guy screams in pain cries but contune on. As he reach door it was lock he could see peoples out side walking by as he look out the small widow on the door and try screaming for help.
“Help me please help me” he yells bagging the glass but was sound proof and noone could see him because it was made for Alucard’s victims so they can see out and believe they can get help but none could see them . He was then drop into a tank filled with glass that went through his whole body. Glass was in his face eyes neck chest arms legs and he was speared on glass that trap his body making him unbale to move. He surfer cuff up blood from the glass in hs body that was like knife blades. Alucard smiles and hits a switch making the green liquate come down on him burning his body to nothing but black ash bones. He then pairs to get his next victim or victims.
A contest entry
- For The Writer In You- Bring Me Your Best, Favorite or Most Treasured Work by Miss Hanako Cullen.
385 points, ended November 8, 2007, 19 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - any thing that you wanna write about by hollisterbabe.
120 points, ended December 12, 2007, 39 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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This story looks as if no thought was put into it. You just spontaneously decided to write it, possibly basing it off something you read or saw. Not the best but not the worst either. Many spelling and grammical errors as well.
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WOW. Very Bloody and very brutal. This story hit's the top notch for Serial Killers stories. I noticed a lot of grammar and word misplacements. Things that need to be changed immediatly. Here's what I found-
1. and the blood he feed bath shower on made him the new king of the undead. He met his match and became a real vampire when he was attack by a vampire who turn him making him more dangerous and dangerous then he already was.
--This section is very strange. I didn't have a clue what you meant. In fact it was like reading a four year olds story. ( FEED ) should be ( FED )
Did you mean to say- And the blood he fed and bathed and showered on himself made him the new king of the undead. He met his match and became a real vampire when he was attacked by another vampire, who turned him making him/
( Even more dangerous than he had already been )
I would change that last line. Using two Dangerous's isn't very good in that part of the story.
Conclusion-
Alon with several other mistakes and mishaps this story may rank as a high Serial Killer story, but in the written mastery it's very low on the charts. I'm not sure if you meant for it to read that way, but it's very hard to read it.
Great Effort, just get those mistakes fixed.
beginning: 5, language: 1, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 1, characters: 5.
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Mis Hanako Megumi here's my Blood Lust all grammer and spell fix. Tell me what you thinks of it.
Blood Lust
Marco Strong was given the nickname “The Vampire Butcher” by the police because of how he tortured, and, butchered men and fed, on their blood after raping them. He was the most wanted man alive. Even the bravest men, feared him. Marco believed he was, the descendent of Dracula and that the blood he fed on, bathed and showered in made him the new king of the undead. He met his match and became a real vampire when he was attacked by a vampire who turned him, making him more dangerous and, deadly then ever.
After turning Marco changed his name to Alucard, began wearing all black, let his hair grow longer, and used his vampire powers , looks, and, body to get men . He‘s tall, dark, handsome, and well built. He gets three or four, men each night and was out to hunt this night.
Alucard was in one of the bars he goes to get men when he spotted his first victim. He was tall with short cut dark hair, brown eyes, dressed in a dark shirt and tight fitting jeans. Alucard lusted over his body and the way his firm round ass fit his jeans.
“Your body fills me with lust. I want it and will have it. Come with me now.” Alucard said
“You’re crazy as hell; get the fu.. Before the guy could finish, he was placed under Alucard’s mind control. He stood up under his control, then walked away with him out of the bar. Soon the guy was in his bed room.
“What the hell? no, man get off me no.” the guy said as he came out of Alucard’s control. He began fighting Alucard as ripped his cloths off. Alucard forced him on, his knees and over his bed and forced his cock in him. The guy screamed and tried to stop him as he was being raped. Alucard brutally raped, the guy doggy style. After he was done raping him, Alucard then bit into his neck feeding until he passed out.
The guy awake nude. His head, hands, arms, legs and, feet were all chained separately. The chains had a round device on them where each of his body parts were chained. His right eye hurt and looked like it had been removed and replaced. It was bleeding.
“What the fuck. Let me go. Damn my eye” the guy said touching his eye. He could move but he was trapped. He looked around to see that he was in a room with no doors, just walls and a widow. Alucard was in the widow watching him.
“What do you want? Let me go please. I won’t tell anyone.” the guy begs.
“You have a choose to live or die. I have chained you to devices that will cut a part from your body every few seconds and given you a key that can free you from them. But I have placed it behind your left eye. There’s knife in front of you. Used it to remove your eyes and get the key, and you will be free. If not, you will be tortured until you die.” Alucard said smiling evilly
The guy got the knife and screamed in pain. As he began to try and cut his eye out blood began to pour from his, eye. As he does he lets out a even louder scream. Time ran out, and one of the devices on his feet cut off a foot.
“Oh God fuck, oh God you sick son of a bitch.” the guy says in pain.
“ Aw fuck.” the guy scream as time ran out and, the leg his foot was cut off from was cut off next. Blood splashed all over the floor and walls. His foot, and leg shook as they hit the floor.
“Just kill me, I can’t take this.” the guy begs crying as he could not cut his eye out.
Time ran out over and over again. Each time it was hell for the guy. His other foot and leg was cut off followed by his hands and arms. His cut off body parts laid around him and shaking. He was still alive but in shock.
“Time to feed.” Alucard said. He then, made the device cut the guys head off. It rolled ,across the floor. He smiled as it did then left the room. He then went beneath the room that he tortured, and butcher the guy in. Alucard, went Into another room that looked like a shower with tub, took his cloths off, and stepped in to the blood filled tub. The guy’s blood poured down on him and he bathed and fed on it. Alucard let out an evil laugh as he did.
Alucard’s next victim, was a jogger. He was tall and bald with blue eyes and a slender body, and wearing black shorts. He landed in front of him. The guy tried to scream, but Alucard took over his mind. Alucard then flew off with him,. Landed in the park, and threw him to the ground. The guy coming out of his mind control, begins to fight him as he rips his cloths off. Alucard uses his vampire, strength to beat him and rips his shorts off revealing a large cock and smooth firm ass. The guy screams as his ass was brutally fucked by Alucard. He scream more, as he begins to bite into his neck and feed. He, feeds on the guy until he passes out.
The guy awakes nude in a tank. His hands are held in openings above his head filled with keys.
“I’m going to give you a chance to save your life. There’s a key that can free you where your hands are. If you, find it, you will be free. If not you will die. If I were you, I would do it fast.” Alucard said.
Then a green liquid pours, out holes above his head and hit the guy’s arm burning him.
“Aw. Oh shit, aw.” the guy says as his hands feel like they were being cut by glass. As he reach for the key and tries to find the right one, more of the, green liquid hits his body. As it pours out of the holes. He scream in pain as it burn his skin. But he continues on, and after cutting his hands badly he gets the key and frees himself. He gets out the room just as more of the liquid, that would burn him alive pours out.
“Help somebody, help me. No, no the guy screams. He thinks he is out side, but was just in another area of Alucard’s house. It is filled with trees and walls of glass that close in on him, cutting him and making walk on a plat form. As he walks, he screams in pain as glass comes up out of it into his feet. He falls and glass rips into his body and face. He sees a door and crawls to it leaving a trail of blood and glass as he reach it. He see people outside walking by and tries screaming for help.
“Help me please, help me” he yells banging the glass. It was sound proof, and no one could see him because it was made for Alucard’s victims so that can see out and believe they can get help, but no one could see or hear them . He is then dropped into a tank filled with glass that goes through his whole body. Glass was in his face, eyes, neck, chest, arms, and legs. He starts to cough up blood. Alucard smiles and hits a switch, making the green liquid come down on him. It engulfs him, burning his body to nothing. He then prepares to get his next victims.
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Thanks Andy I'm shock to see my story compaired to Saw and glade you like it I has part 2 made and is wroking on more and is planing buy is not sure yet for a cross over with my Lust Of The Vampire series were Marcus and Alucard battles.
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Hi V l
This story is very dark and brutal. This reminded me of the movie, 'Saw'. There are a lot of typos, grammar, and spelling problems. It would be good if you could find someone to help you with them. With RhymeZone.com you can run a tab while you write and check spelling on any word you are not certain about. I use it often.
Andy
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Andy here's my Blood Lust all grammer and spell fix. Tell me what you thinks of it.
Blood Lust
Marco Strong was given the nickname “The Vampire Butcher” by the police because of how he tortured, and, butchered men and fed, on their blood after raping them. He was the most wanted man alive. Even the bravest men, feared him. Marco believed he was, the descendent of Dracula and that the blood he fed on, bathed and showered in made him the new king of the undead. He met his match and became a real vampire when he was attacked by a vampire who turned him, making him more dangerous and, deadly then ever.
After turning Marco changed his name to Alucard, began wearing all black, let his hair grow longer, and used his vampire powers , looks, and, body to get men . He‘s tall, dark, handsome, and well built. He gets three or four, men each night and was out to hunt this night.
Alucard was in one of the bars he goes to get men when he spotted his first victim. He was tall with short cut dark hair, brown eyes, dressed in a dark shirt and tight fitting jeans. Alucard lusted over his body and the way his firm round ass fit his jeans.
“Your body fills me with lust. I want it and will have it. Come with me now.” Alucard said
“You’re crazy as hell; get the fu.. Before the guy could finish, he was placed under Alucard’s mind control. He stood up under his control, then walked away with him out of the bar. Soon the guy was in his bed room.
“What the hell? no, man get off me no.” the guy said as he came out of Alucard’s control. He began fighting Alucard as ripped his cloths off. Alucard forced him on, his knees and over his bed and forced his cock in him. The guy screamed and tried to stop him as he was being raped. Alucard brutally raped, the guy doggy style. After he was done raping him, Alucard then bit into his neck feeding until he passed out.
The guy awake nude. His head, hands, arms, legs and, feet were all chained separately. The chains had a round device on them where each of his body parts were chained. His right eye hurt and looked like it had been removed and replaced. It was bleeding.
“What the fuck. Let me go. Damn my eye” the guy said touching his eye. He could move but he was trapped. He looked around to see that he was in a room with no doors, just walls and a widow. Alucard was in the widow watching him.
“What do you want? Let me go please. I won’t tell anyone.” the guy begs.
“You have a choose to live or die. I have chained you to devices that will cut a part from your body every few seconds and given you a key that can free you from them. But I have placed it behind your left eye. There’s knife in front of you. Used it to remove your eyes and get the key, and you will be free. If not, you will be tortured until you die.” Alucard said smiling evilly
The guy got the knife and screamed in pain. As he began to try and cut his eye out blood began to pour from his, eye. As he does he lets out a even louder scream. Time ran out, and one of the devices on his feet cut off a foot.
“Oh God fuck, oh God you sick son of a bitch.” the guy says in pain.
“ Aw fuck.” the guy scream as time ran out and, the leg his foot was cut off from was cut off next. Blood splashed all over the floor and walls. His foot, and leg shook as they hit the floor.
“Just kill me, I can’t take this.” the guy begs crying as he could not cut his eye out.
Time ran out over and over again. Each time it was hell for the guy. His other foot and leg was cut off followed by his hands and arms. His cut off body parts laid around him and shaking. He was still alive but in shock.
“Time to feed.” Alucard said. He then, made the device cut the guys head off. It rolled ,across the floor. He smiled as it did then left the room. He then went beneath the room that he tortured, and butcher the guy in. Alucard, went Into another room that looked like a shower with tub, took his cloths off, and stepped in to the blood filled tub. The guy’s blood poured down on him and he bathed and fed on it. Alucard let out an evil laugh as he did.
Alucard’s next victim, was a jogger. He was tall and bald with blue eyes and a slender body, and wearing black shorts. He landed in front of him. The guy tried to scream, but Alucard took over his mind. Alucard then flew off with him,. Landed in the park, and threw him to the ground. The guy coming out of his mind control, begins to fight him as he rips his cloths off. Alucard uses his vampire, strength to beat him and rips his shorts off revealing a large cock and smooth firm ass. The guy screams as his ass was brutally fucked by Alucard. He scream more, as he begins to bite into his neck and feed. He, feeds on the guy until he passes out.
The guy awakes nude in a tank. His hands are held in openings above his head filled with keys.
“I’m going to give you a chance to save your life. There’s a key that can free you where your hands are. If you, find it, you will be free. If not you will die. If I were you, I would do it fast.” Alucard said.
Then a green liquid pours, out holes above his head and hit the guy’s arm burning him.
“Aw. Oh shit, aw.” the guy says as his hands feel like they were being cut by glass. As he reach for the key and tries to find the right one, more of the, green liquid hits his body. As it pours out of the holes. He scream in pain as it burn his skin. But he continues on, and after cutting his hands badly he gets the key and frees himself. He gets out the room just as more of the liquid, that would burn him alive pours out.
“Help somebody, help me. No, no the guy screams. He thinks he is out side, but was just in another area of Alucard’s house. It is filled with trees and walls of glass that close in on him, cutting him and making walk on a plat form. As he walks, he screams in pain as glass comes up out of it into his feet. He falls and glass rips into his body and face. He sees a door and crawls to it leaving a trail of blood and glass as he reach it. He see people outside walking by and tries screaming for help.
“Help me please, help me” he yells banging the glass. It was sound proof, and no one could see him because it was made for Alucard’s victims so that can see out and believe they can get help, but no one could see or hear them . He is then dropped into a tank filled with glass that goes through his whole body. Glass was in his face, eyes, neck, chest, arms, and legs. He starts to cough up blood. Alucard smiles and hits a switch, making the green liquid come down on him. It engulfs him, burning his body to nothing. He then prepares to get his next victims.
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Thanks for the tips and for reading the story I redid Blood Lust and plans to dew more stories when i get time and if this one is really liked thankss for the tips Token Massacre once again and I will keep writing
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Watch tenses, you skip from past to present and back on occasion... also watch repetitiveness. If you want to grab your reader within the first paragraph you might want to consider rewording...
F.B. I
extra spacing and forgot the "."
"and" or "but" shouldn't start sentences unless they're in dialogue. Rewording it so that it stands on its own makes it stronger.
touchier
not sure what that is
feed and bath
should be
"feeds and bathe's"
best suggestions I can make is watch spelling, punctuation, paragraph structure. The idea is a good one, the tense problem makes it difficult to get into though. The sentences sound awkward as they stand now. Editing can only enhance what you've got started. Good piece. Keep writing.
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