Euthanasia

Chatper11

October 12

Today I have officially succeeded in persuading the seventh person to sign the Pact. I will record what happens between now and when it goes into action. After that, I won't need to write about it. Everyone will know, when they find this, who they were fucking with, and who is haunting them. My entries will be interlaced with those of Lewis, exchanging every other day, to create a record of what happened throughout the longevity of the Pact. 3

The final person to sign the Pact was, of course, Lewis. He seemed extraordinarily shocked when I told him about it, in the middle of class, when I saw the cuts on his arm. He seemed even more disturbed when I actually let him read the Pact. I'm shocked by his reaction; you would think, after being my best friend for five years, he would expect something such as this from me. I have always been, in his words, insane. He has generally been more down to Earth, and more stable, although definitely depressed. He has good reasons to be. The idea of a Pact probably didn't appeal to him at first because it involved other people getting
"hurt” as well. In class, though, he couldn't question me too much without others hearing. He has that kind of voice. Luckily, mine doesn't carry.4

“Are you seriously getting people to sign a pact?”5

“Yes. And you have no place to look at me as immoral, considering those gashes are more intravenous than anything I have ever done,” I replied. He continued to gawk at the piece of paper. Seven long, deep cuts, obviously done with a razor, were on his right arm, covered by nothing considering he was stupid enough to roll his sleeves up. The cuts were vertical and fresh, and I knew he had attempted it yesterday. He had tried it many tedious times – I had usually tried to stop him. This time he had not told me, which bothered me as much as the fact that he tried it at all.6

“Yeah, but this is me. I'm not going and talking people who are depressed into signing this. I keep my issues to myself.”7

“I'm only offering these miserable people a way out of their pain. I'm like Ghandi.”8

“You are so far from being Ghandi...” Lewis rolled his eyes at me. “Erika... are you serious about all of this?” 9

“Completely.” After several moments of looking at the Pact, and then back to me, and back again, playing with his excessively thick brown hair, he nodded.10

“I'll sign it.” I handed him a pen. It was the same pen I and the others used. 11

“That's what I thought.” I was hugging myself tightly, freezing somehow. I could feel myself shuddering. This has happened a lot lately12

“Are you okay?”13

“I'm fine. Just freezing.”14

“How? You look like an albino Eskimo today.”15

“Thanks.16

“I meant you have on a lot.”17

“Oh I know. My nose isn't flat enough to actually look like one.” He smiled. I read his signature on the Pact. It was beneath everyone else's, of course, because it took me so long to work up to asking him to sign it. He is the most intelligent of the people who signed it, besides myself, and he has a habit of challenging me and my ideas. So now that the Pact was done, I had seven names. Erika Cohen, Miriam Lodge, Tommy Smith, Francis Jacques, Robin Cross, Joshua Bellmen, and Lewis Black. 18

So now, I have seven people. Lewis was my main fixation as far as signing this. We've done everything together. Not everything ... not like that ... but he is my best friend. He will be forever. I notice way too much about him, I always have. Like how he went from being a short, almost nerdy guy when we were younger into what he is now. And what he is now doesn't appeal to many people, apparently, hence he only has a few friends, but it definitely doesn't bother me. He's even taller than me now.19

Kathleen Harvey is definitely on my hit list before we act upon our plans. I can not stand her. I see her every day, talking to some football player, in her high heels and cheer leading ribbon, giving me looks. I've said nothing to this girl in over three years, and I definitely think it's time for her to give looks to someone else, and stop telling people that I am a sociopath. At this point, I have nothing to lose and I don't care. She may care once I take one of those ribbons and wrap them around her under-sized esophagus and a tree. Then who will she look at?20

I smile every time I read the seven signatures at the bottom of the Pact. They all have different styles of writing, with one common goal of dying on the date I chose. I wrote the pact, I chose the date, and I chose how. I chose it all. And no one is going to challenge me, because they aren't mentally strong enough to do so. Oddly, I feel mentally stronger than I ever have before. It's enlightening to know that you're going to die. Really, actually, going to die. Everyone knows they'll die, sometime. After they're old, after they have kids, after they live. They know, but they're not aware. But in the moment that they feel all the blood draining, from that freak accident falling out of the boat, when the motor hits them, or they feel themselves falling, and the air exploding their lungs, and the ground flying up towards them faster than they can fall towards it, they come to face the reality that they are going to die. I made it more simple for these seven people I care about so much. It's as simple as signing a Pact with the devil. I imagine that's what Lewis thinks he did.21

At lunch, when he and I were standing alone together, he asked me why I even wrote the pact.22

“You know what it's like to be in the most excruciating pain you've ever been in, and it not be at all physical. You know what it's like to see scissors and instead of remembering shitty art from kindergarten, you think of how much you want to slide the blades across your wrist. You know what I'm talking about.”23

“I know,” he sighed. “But why this?”24

“If I'm going to go out, I don't want to go out alone.” 25

“But Miriam isn't particularly depressed. She just wants to... be you.” This was true. She idolizes me and has for two years. She's quite stupid. If I told her I don't wear underwear, which I do, she would go commando to school for the rest of her pathetic life. I honestly almost like it, that someone idolizes me, because quite frankly, I am not appreciated as much as I should be by the people I know. I'm not good enough. Not pretty enough, thin enough, rich enough, talkative enough. I'm crazy enough though. Definitely out of my mind. They don't hesitate to point that out. But I'm not on medication anymore, after I tried to over-dose on it. Besides, I'm not schizophrenic. I didn't need pills for that. I needed pills to make me sleep, for a long time. Forever, even. I just didn't want to wake up.26

“Well, this will be one more thing to make her like me. She's already bleached her hair and bought everything I own.”27

“You are cold and heartless, you know?”28

I don't know why those words suck in my head. Cold and heartless. Maybe he is right. I can't remember feeling any other way than this. I can't remember what it's like to love anyone else. Else. And I will leave it at that. Lewis can be naďve until the day we die.29

Tomorrow, everyone that signed the Pact is meeting up to discuss details. Everyone needs to know exactly what to do to make this work perfectly. This isn't going to be any average cluster suicide. Everyone is going to know about this. In one week.30

Erika.31

Chapter232

October 233

Now that it's my turn to write, I'm not sure of what I'm supposed to be writing. Erika only told me to write what I felt about this day, and what happened, so I will. Whoever is reading this, bare with me.34

Erika is a murderer. Blatantly. I always knew she had it in her to kill someone, but I never thought she would actually stoop to the low level to actually do it. And today, she did. 35

Kathleen Harvey is dead. Kathleen was a horrible excuse for a person, and I hated her almost as much as Erika, but it doesn't make the fact that she's dead any less disturbing; especially since my best friend did it.36

I'm not positive where Erika got a hold of it, but she used cyanide. She's always been very resourceful. It was a genius plan, really. Erika basically poured half of the contents of a tiny jar into Kathleen's water bottle she stole out of her cheerleading locker at lunch, and locked it back up so she'd drink it during sixth period. I'm assuming Kathleen left her locker open, or else Erika picked her lock which is very possible. Anyhow, on the track during sixth period, Kathleen fell down screaming her lungs out. I could hear her screaming from the top floor, as our window was open and right by the track. I have never heard anyone scream so loudly or with such intensity. Then, we heard the screams of other girls as they crowded around Kathleen, unaware of what was going on. And then, suddenly, the screaming stopped, and she was dead.37

I knew what happened because Erika told me at lunch that day, after showing up ten minutes late at our usual meeting spot, what she had done.38

“Where were you?” I asked. She had a slightly sinister smile on her overly pale face, so of course I was bracing myself.39

“You know Kathleen Harvey?”40

“Yeah, who doesn't?” 41

“She'll meet her last friend today,” she said. She was checking her makeup in a small hand mirror. She looked almost to be one color. Almost white skin, almost white hair, and for some reason, almost white lips. The only break in the monotony of her coloring was her deep green eyes, making ice cold eye contact with me. It makes it difficult to talk when she stares so intensely. She does it often, without noticing. It's basically natural for her to glare.42

“What do you mean?”43

“I mean,” she said, taking a stop close and leaning in to whisper, “I put cyanide in her bottle. No one will ever know it was me, until they read our records, in six days.” I heard her words but I couldn't quite comprehend them. 44

“You're killing Kathleen? Why?” 45

“I've got a hit list and that will be one less to hit. Did you think I'd leave without getting revenge?” She was right. Erika is the type to get revenge, in the way that if you call her ugly she will be sure your face got burned so you will be uglier. This is what she considers fair vengeance, and Karma. 46

“You've lost your shit, Erika.” 47

“Just be sure to stay quiet.” She looked up at me, the evil suddenly gone from everything but her eyes, and smiled. She looked almost innocent, like she was just here with her best friend, discussing everything in the world like they used to. I felt my heart drop a notch.48

All of the commotion that the cheerleaders death caused didn't phase Erika at all. No one knows yet except Erika and myself. She thinks it unwise to tell the others because they may report her. But there was no guilt in her eyes today. She just walked down the street to my house, leading myself and the other five behind her. It was very overcast, I noticed, casting a gray shadow on everything. Once we were all in the living room, sitting down, Erika opened her bag and pulled out the pact.49

“Okay, everyone,” she said. We all looked at her, some more intently than others (Miriam looked as though she had found her Prince Charming) and waited for her to tell us what to do. I'm used to her telling me what to do, although I am one of the few people in her little web of followers who will actually challenge her. I think she likes it, underneath it all. 50

“I need to let all of you know now what preparations need to be made for October 7th,” she said. She sounded very formal, which to me is odd, because she's usually so comfortable with me.51

“Preparations?” I asked. “Prepare to die?” Robin smiled. He is a slightly overweight, and very dark colored guy. He rarely talks anymore, although in middle school he was the biggest class clown the world had ever seen. We were friends at one point, but after a while he stopped coming to school barely at all and when he did, he never talked. I'm not sure exactly what his deal is but I know it must be serious.52

“Yes,” Erika said, obviously annoyed. “October 7th is on a Monday. In the morning, before school starts, we need to get onto the roof of the school. I know the way up there, so don't worry about that, but there are a few things that need to be brought that day.”53

“Such as?” I asked. Everyone else looked entranced and almost excited. Erika has a way of talking about this multiple suicide as if it were going to be a party. I even felt myself looking forward to it until I gave myself a mental slap and remembered what it was we are going to do.54

“Fireworks.” Everyone but myself suddenly had their mouths open, with looks of complete confusion in their eyes. Maybe it will be a party. 55

It turns out, Erika plans to set off fireworks on the morning of October 7th while we are all on the roof. This is to get the attention of everyone to come to the front of the building (where the concrete is, of course, to fall on) and once it is nearly time for class to start, we're to jump. We're to jump holding hands, she said, so that no one “chickens out” by seeing someone else splattered on the ground when it's their turn. This is all very well thought out. And she has her claws in everyone. I really do not think anyone will back out. She's told them all that life is truly to be punished, and that we are all “smarter than the masses because we realized that we can get out of the punishment by ending the life.” I hope she's having fun playing demi-god. 56

Lewis57

Chapter358

October 359

All seems well. No one has backed out of the Pact, or attempted to do so. I'm quite surprised. Francis seems quite impatient with the pact, and he told me he thinks that October 7th is too far away. I told him to shut up and sit down, basically, because October 7th is when we're going to do it, and I don't care if he doesn't like it, quite frankly. He has a history of trying to kill himself... he's attempted it at least twelve times since I've known him. He will succeed this time. I promise.60

I'm sure the events of yesterday have already been recorded, by Lewis, although tinged with whatever twisted emotion he has about it all. In short, I did the world a favor. The lot that is too stupid to get themselves out of this place will at least have one less self-absorbed anorexic bitch to deal with. Maybe I did her a favor as well.61

Today was much less interesting. Tommy, Miriam, and I met up after dark and stole fire works from a nearby fireworks stand that, for some reason, stays up year-round. We stole twelve bottle rockets. That should be enough to get every ones attention. Tommy, being more feminine and attracted to guys than both Miriam and myself put together, managed to actually sneak all of the fireworks into his own room without his horribly abusive and irresponsible parents catching him and ripping him to shreds. This is fortunate for them, for now, because Tommy is and will be the very last child they abuse. They very last.62

Miriam does annoy me, but I'm going to remain nice and gentle so she doesn't try to back out of the Pact. And I say try with good reason. No one will back out under my watch. If they try, they die, by my hand instead of their own. No one will fuck this up for me, I swear to everything I've ever known. But Lewis scares me. He knows me too well, and knows what it is I'm doing. Today we were on the phone for two hours and said almost nothing.63

“Why do you want everyone to see you kill yourself?” he asked. I hate these sorts of questions he asks. He implies things. Such as that I want attention.64

“Maybe when they see it, they'll realize what assholes they are. And maybe follow.”65

“You're hoping to drive them to suicide?”66

“It wouldn't hurt.” After a long, awkward silence, I sighed. He responded with,67

“Are you out to get the whole world?” I thought about this. In a kind of way, I am. I know that as a human, I'll never destroy the whole world on my own, and the only way I could do that was to learn nuclear science. And even then, I want humans dead, not animals. Animals are the only innocent things left.68

“Yes.”69

“World Domination by Euthanasia – that's something to make a movie about.”70

It would be interesting if someone managed kill the world off by assisted suicide or talking people in to suicide. I don't understand the debate on Euthanasia – if someone wants to die, someone else should be able to give help without being punished. In fact, they should be rewarded greatly. It take much understanding of the world and human nature to see that life isn't meant to be lived – it's meant to escape. That's all humans do. They spend their time immersed in hobbies to escape the world. The whole point of television is to escape life, as well as reading, talking, and everything else people waste their time with. They spend so much time, which they consider “precious”, working at petty, comfortable jobs so they can afford houses and food and things that keep them from experiencing life. Life is being curled up in painful hunger, naked, dripping blood while the world smiles down on you in everything but kindness. People let time do all the work for them and in return, experience much more pain than they have to. I have found the permanent, quick escape route. Time kills slowly. 71

“I guess I'm going to sleep,” he said after another awkward silence on the phone. I hate getting off of the phone with him. It makes me awkward. 72

“All right.”73

“I guess I'll see you tomorrow?”74

“I guess.”75

“Okay then.76

“Okay...”77

“Bye.” I hung up without saying bye, as usual. I hated saying bye to him so much. Even when I was ten, and I thought he was going to move away, I avoided him for the whole week that I thought he would be leaving so I didn't have to say bye. I could never do it. And with my plans going into action, I will never have to. 78

I've come a long way since I wrote the Pact. I wrote the Pact a month before I actually started recruiting people into signing it. And it was so easy to pinpoint the people who need me most. Maybe it's because I've been in their situation before and I know all of the signs. Maybe it's because they're obvious. Of course, I do know a portion of them well enough to know without even watching them. Lewis, Joshua, and Tommy have been my friends for years. I've seen Francis and Robin around, but I never really talked to them until I messaged them online about the Pact. Miriam was an obvious choice. She barely read the Pact before signing it. I talked to her at lunch, abandoning Lewis, to get her to sign it. She was standing by herself in wearing an almost identical outfit to the one I wore the day before.79

“Miriam, hey,” I said. She looked up at me and began to turn pink. I don't understand why, or what celebrity she has mistaken me for, but this has been her way for about a year.80

“Hey! Erika, hey...” she said. She looked oddly short today, but then again, I'm used to males. They're usually taller than me.81

“I have this Pact, that my friends and I have all signed. It's very important to read it carefully though.” I handed it to her. She read it, quickly, and looked at me. 82

“So you're all killing yourselves?”83

“Yes. Kind of like how you tried to in the bathroom last year. Only, this will work.”84

“How did you know about that?” She shivered slightly. I smiled.85

“I was in the last stall that is always locked, doing the same thing.”86

Anyhow, she signed the Pact. It was the most odd thing. She didn't even seemed shocked. She didn't seem human. Although I know she is. I've seen her cry. 87

Regardless, I am having issues with Lewis. I have things I want to say to him, both positive and negative, that I can not. I will write it eventually, before Dead Day, but he will never get to read it. Honestly, I have no option. If I say certain things, he may back completely out of the Pact. And then, I'll have to kill him. So some things will remain secret. To him, at least. He is the person I trust the most and the one I trust the least. He seems quite sketchy. 88

I really, honestly hope tomorrow is more interesting. These are my final days. They will not be dull. 89

Erika90

Chapter491

October 492

I woke up this morning after a horrible dream and came to the conclusion that I have to save the world.93

This had to be one of the most disturbing dreams I've ever had. No matter how I try to explain it to get the same effect, it won't happen. A person with a black and silver masque on, with elaborate decoration, stood on top of a cliff to the side of a several mile long line of distressed and zombie-like people. I was in this line, although I didn't feel as though I belonged among these zombies, and I stepped out of the line to see what the Leader was doing. 94

The Leader was taking the hand of a young boy, probably twelve, and as zombie-like as the rest, and whispered something to him. He looked up at the Leader and nodded, and looked back down. He took three steps forward and dropped off of the cliff. I tried to scream out, but no sound escaped. The next person stepped forward. The Leader once again took their hand and whispered to them. This person, though, looked at the Leader and took a step backward. This resulted in the Leader shoving the person over the edge. 95

I stepped forward to the Leader, out of the line, and he turned his head towards me. He extended one extremely pale arm towards me, to take my hand. I shook my head. This resulted in the Leader grabbing both of my hands and trying to pitch me over the edge. I got close enough to the edge to see that there was no bottom to hit, and I could still see the last person he pitched over falling. I was somehow stronger than the Leader, and wrestled him to the ground. I still couldn't speak. I noticed, behind me, the people were voluntarily dropping off the cliff, smiling. The Leader noticed this as well and laughed. This is when I felt the most shocked, and looked back down at the Leader and the masque was gone.96

It was, of course, Erika. Her eyes were sparkling unlike her array of suicidal zombies, and her smile was broad and friendly. Behind me I heard people laughing as they jumped off of the cliff to their forever-fall. 97

Then, I woke up. And threw up. All I could think about at school was the dream, and how Erika was leading all of these people in real life into suicide. Including me. I know I'm depressed, and I've attempted suicide before. I've wanted to die. I wanted to die when I signed the pact, and I fully intended to follow through with it. But when you realize your days are almost over, really over, you see everything differently. You notice all of the people you never talked to. You notice how rain really feels. You feel that you're alive, and that you won't be forever. You don't want to go away yet. You're not the most happy you could be, but you see the possibility of change and the possibility to live. You've signed your soul to the devil, though, and so have five other innocent people. You remember how the devil was before she fell, and you miss her.98

I finally made it to my class with Erika, however much I dreaded it. When I arrived, she was sitting cross legged in her seat which was directly behind mine, staring intently at the doorway. I sat down in front of her and turned around to her. 99

“How are you today?” I asked. She looked up at me.100

“Fine. Yourself?” 101

“Bored. Anything planned for after school?” I knew I sounded fake. I'm a horrible actor.102

“Food. That's all.”103

“Oh, okay.” 104

“What are you thinking about?” she asked. This was a startling question for some reason.105

“Nothing.”106

“Nothing at all? Not a big blank white space? No one?”107

“Nothing really. Just... math.” 108

“Okay.”109

“What are you thinking about?” I asked her.110

“You.” She was looking directly at me, her face blank.111

“Why?” 112

“I'm talking to you.” She always had this magnificent way of making me and everyone else she came in contact with feel so fucking stupid that you couldn't even think of anything to say. She's like a disease that sucks all of the energy and power out of you so that you're crippled into obedience. Like a vampire. It wasn't always even the things she said, but the way she would say it. She had developed such a god-complex that I didn't know what to do with her, because it was so opposite of how she was before.113

I waited for her in our usual place at lunch and she didn't show up. After ten minutes, Miriam, Tommy, Robin, Francis and Joshua showed up, wanting to know where she was. Although none of them ever hang out with us at lunch, they always seem to be watching. Or watching Erika, at least.114

“She is at school isn't she?” Tommy asked. “I saw her last night.”115

“She's here,” I answered. “She was in fourth hour.” I remembered what happened the last time she showed up late for lunch and felt sick. Hopefully she wasn't up to something of that nature again.116

“I'm glad you're all here,” I said. “I need to talk to all of you outside of school, without Erika being there.”117

“Why?” Robin asked. 118

“It's about the pact. None of you understand. Just, trust me on this. Meet me at my house after school, you all know where it is.” They all nodded and they looked oddly more awake than usual. 119

No one saw Erika for the rest of the school day. I was worried for both her and the rest of the world. She is being so secretive lately, which is odd because of how close we are. Or were. Everyone met me at my house, like planned, so I could attempt something I wasn't even sure of. Everyone sat on the floor like they had done when Erika was there before.120

“You do know you can sit on the furniture?” I said. No one moved. They just looked at each other awkwardly. I noticed Francis has large gashes on his arms much like the ones I have. Once he realized they were visible, she pulled his sleeve back down.121

“Okay, people,” I said nervously. I am no good at this kind of thing. I had to try, though. “Is everyone here still intending to go through with the pact?” There was complete silence. Everyone looked extremely nervous.122

“It's okay, you know. I'm not Erika. I don't want to go through with it.” At this, several people looked up at me with complete desperation in their eyes.123

“We have to do it,” Tommy said. “We signed a pact. Erika is counting on us.” At this, I wondered how in the world Erika brainwashed these people.124

“Listen to me,” I said loudly. “Erika is out of her god damned mind. Has she fed all of you this horse-shit that life is meant to escape? Have any of you not fallen for her trap? Have any of you looked around at the world? If there is one thing Erika is afraid of, it's being alone. Erika wants to die, but not alone. That's what we are for!” I felt the words come out faster than I could think. Miriam was crying. Tommy looked shocked and hurt, and Robin looking at Francis. Francis still looked as tired as ever.125

“Erika wouldn't do that,” Tommy said.126

“Erika is doing that. You've known her almost as long as me, Tommy. You know she's insane. Three years ago when she was thirteen this wouldn't be happening. She's talked herself into believing all of this garbage you all seem to believe, too.”127

“I didn't sign because I fell for her tactics,” Robin said. “I signed because I want to die. This just seems to be a cooler way to do it, instead of alone in my room.”128

“It doesn't matter how fucking cool your death is when you're dead.” I was getting so frustrated with these people. I could tell it was sinking in with Tommy. And maybe Robin, too. 129

“So your propose we do what?” Robin asked. I sighed. I wasn't sure.130

During this meeting, everyone came to the agreement not to jump. I'm to be the only one to go up on the roof with Erika to attempt talking her out of it. Everyone else is to be down at the bottom with the rest of the crowd. I don't think that she'll do it, if she's alone in it. She may even put off killing herself to kill me and the rest of ex-pact signers. I hope dearly that no one changed their minds, and that Erika comes to her senses. I'm not going to mention any of it before October 7th because I know if I do, she'll try to kill everyone. She's not in her right mind anymore, if she ever was. I'm just happy that I talked them out of it. Maybe things will be all right in a few days. 131

I also saw on the news that a nearby ballet school, where Erika took ballet as a child (and was teased brutally) burned down today. There were three fatalities and seven serious injuries. I don't know but I suspect that Erika has something to do with it. Two of the people who died went to our school.132

I just hope that no one jumps. No one. Including Erika.133

Lewis134

Chapter5135

October 5136

Everyone is wondering where Francis is. And I seem so unconcerned, which is normal for me, so they suspect nothing. I believe Lewis is on to me, as usual, and I don't care, because what can Lewis do? Nothing. He can attempt the throw me into a guilt-trip but it never works. It was a wonderful day, I think. 137

And it feels like I've done one of the best things that I have done in a while. I knew he wouldn't last until October 7th but I was hoping he would. I'm not angry that he fucked up my perfect plans of the perfect seven dying on the perfect day of October 7th. When he called me, and told me to come over, I knew why, so I took the Pact with me. It was nearly two this morning and I was in my bed, listening to music, thinking, and my phone rang. I hoped it was Lewis but it wasn't... so I did go over to his house, and when I entered his room, he was sitting against the wall with his wrists bleeding. Badly. 138

“Erika, finally,” he said. I pulled out the Pact.139

“Honestly, why can't you wait?”140

“I'm sorry,” he said. I kneeled down beside him. His room was dark and eerie, and he was crying. “I can never have you because I know you'll die.”141

“What?” He had clearly taken some amount of pills.142

“I have thought about it for the two years since I knew I loved you, you're going to die.”143

“Everyone dies,” I replied. I was confused. He took the Pact from me and smeared blood over his own name.144

“Why?”145

This conversation led me to the conclusion that he was in love with me and couldn't bare the fact that I would ever die and he was in too much pain because of that, he couldn't see me die. He also said he didn't want to ruin my plans by getting emotional on Monday... and he asked me to kill him. I'm obliged to have been chosen by yet another person to assist them in their suicide, to be sure they succeed. I had done this before this morning, at least four times... and a few times without permission. But it isn't murder if they ask for it. I gave him more pain pills, and let them work while I sat with him and talked to him... he remained relatively calm.146

“I'll see you in a few days,” he said. I smiled. Them I took the gun he had told me to get out from under his bed, and I shot him. I honestly loved how the blood that had splattered across me looked. I had purposely stood too close to him when I did it, because I meant to experience this act of euthanasia the best I possibly could from the physicians standpoint. That is what it was, and this is what I've become – a physician. A physician with the best in mind for her patients. One that knows the cure for all pain and illness. A physician with a specialty of euthanasia. 147

I stayed with him for a few hours after his death, contemplating if I wished to give him what he had wanted when he was alive. It isn't as if I don't know how to interact in such a socially-unacceptable way with a corpse, but seeing as I have known him so well while he was alive, it would have felt weird to violate him. So, after much consideration and not being in the mood, I didn't. I left. I wasn't afraid of being caught because he lived alone in a relatively secluded place. 148

On the way home, I called Tommy's cellphone to see where he was. Luckily, he was at his boyfriends house as opposed to home, with his parents. Which is where I went. It was almost daylight when I snuck in, still covered in blood, through Tommy's bedroom window. I found all of the fireworks and put them in my purse, and then went wondering about the house. I found his parents room, with the door wide open, and both of them passed out cold. Down the hallway, I found the kitchen, and a bottle of never-before-opened pills labeled “Larry Smith” which is his fathers name. It was a plain white prescription pain pill, nothing too lethal... that is, until, I took all of the pills out and replaced them with a bottle of plain white, although smaller, pills laced in a mega-dose of rat poisoning. I hoped he had not noticed how big the original pills were, or was just too stupid to notice. I put the pills back quietly and looked around.149

I don't know much about his mother except for the fact that she drinks too much coffee so my plan was obvious. I opened the over-sized coffee jar and poured in a generous amount of left-over cyanide, and closed it. I shook it up. I put it back. I was exhausted, and hoped I had not left anything or forgotten anything. 150

It was daylight when I snuck back inside. I took a shower to get all of the blood off of me and got in bed. I slept for three hours until Lewis called. 151

“Everyone is looking for Francis,” he said.152

“Good morning.”153

“Don't play dumb, Erika.” I sighed. I knew he would know. 154

“I'm not playing anything, I was asleep for once.”155

“For how long, dear?”156

“I can't wait until the day you get off my case,” I said. “So what are you doing today?”157

“Coming to get you.” He hung up. My automatic internal reaction was “oh shit” but when he got here, he didn't mention Francis at all. We went back to his house and sat on his bed.158

Sitting on his bed, now that we're older, is odd. It's awkward. We used to wrestle on it, sleep on it, play video games on it, and beat each other up on it. Now we sat on it awkwardly and talked. Maybe it is only me who feels awkward, but he sure looks awkward.159

“I made an A on my science test yesterday,” he said. I felt my entire being freeze into my usual self, irate and ice-cold.160

“Why are you even trying? You're going to be dead before the next report card.” I saw his face was suddenly overcome with a sad look, almost of realization. I sincerely hope he hasn't just now realized that he's going to die Monday. That may cause complications. 161

The rest of the day was spent walking around in the rain and getting phone calls from the rest of the Pact signers looking for Francis. Tommy, luckily, is spending tonight and tomorrow night with his boyfriend. He'll never know I killed his parents. Everything is going just fine, and we only have one day left. One more day that I will write after this, one more day to feel. Then I'll be in the dirt somewhere, figuratively not far from where I am. Six people out of their misery, six people less. When you think of six less people, you think of six less people in the population count. Not each individual friend, with all the baggage of emotions, a family, personality, and each other. Not six less lives. Just a lower statistic. That is what I am, to the world. I statistic. For now. That is until they trace so many things back to me.162

Then I'm a villain. 163

Monday morning, I will write. And that will be the last from me. No one will read about our deaths from my standpoint. Maybe the standpoint of a few anal retentive journalists. Not mine. Monday will be my last day. Then I'll be gone.164

I'm curious to know what Lewis writes in his entries, but I'll never find out. I hope it's nothing mean about me. I don't say mean things about him. Do I?165

Erika166

Chapter6167

October 6168

Today I called Erika to see if she wanted to go someplace because I'm determined to make her change her mind by tomorrow. Hopefully if she feels important she won't want to kill herself. Or other people. But she is determined, and now I know tomorrow is going to be one hell of a day. I could very well die by my best friends hand, because she's made it clear that anyone who backs out will be killed. But in a way this is good, because since no one is going to do it, she's going to want to kill us all and she has to be alive to do that.169

She did come with me and we went to the park. We used to do this when we were younger so that we could spy on the other people and make plans to ill them. I never knew that game would actually be training for Erika to become an assassin in a sense, but it seems it did. But today at the park, she didn't seems too into other peoples affairs. She immediately began an interrogation.170

“Why do you suddenly feel the need to see me every day?” she asked. Her face was blank, her voice was monotone, and I felt sick.171

“There is nothing else to do.” Wrong answer. Very wrong answer. But at least her blankness broke and for almost a whole second, she looked genuinely hurt. Then blank again.172

“Oh.” I knew I had messed up as soon as I said it, but especially when she stopped asking questions.173

“So, what have you been doing in your spare time?” I asked. 174

“Getting ready for tomorrow.”175

“Where has Francis been?”176

“I don't know. Why don't you ask him?” I rolled my eyes. I thought she would at least confess to killing him since I obviously knew.177

“How do I ask a dead person where they are?”178

“Why would you want to ask a dead person where they are? You necro.” This pissed me off. She knows damn well that I am not the necrophile here, she is. And it is disturbing. And we don't talk about it, but she walked right into that.179

“You are the necro, Erika. I daydream about people who are still alive.”180

“People that are still alive and standing on a street corner with AIDS.”181

“No.”182

“Well then, shut up.”183

“You said it first!” She was totally unaffected by my screaming.184

“I know I did and you are losing it.”185

“You are a necro, dear.” She shrugged. 186

“Not with Francis, I'm not.”187

“That is sick.”188

“Would you prefer it if I had done it?”189

“No but the thought is gross.”190

We continued arguing until Erika finally got up and walked off. I was pissed and I knew she was, so I didn't think to go after her to at least give her a ride home until ten minutes later. It was raining.191

I drove down the street to look for her and I finally saw her walking, slowly, by a ditch. I rolled my window down.192

“Get in,” I said. She just looked at me. This time, her face actually showed emotion. If it couldn't be blamed on the fact it was raining, I would have thought she was crying. 193

“Come on, at least let me take you home.”194

“No,” she said. She kept walking. I pulled over to the side of the street and got out. I felt now that I was dealing with a person as opposed to a psychotic monster.195

“Get away,” she said. I picked her up and put her in the truck and before I could get the door shut, she had climbed over and was out the other door. She looked like she may start running but knew better. She walked slowly, again, down the street.196

I made the block to check on her several times until I saw she had made it home. Then I left.197

This is not a good thing that the day before I'm going to try and talk her out of jumping off of a building, we get into an argument. This is going to be turned around on me that I hate her, just like the rest of the world, and it will be added to the list of “Reasons Erika Should Kill Herself.” I'm not smart. Why did I even let the argument get out of hand like it did? I pushed the subject, even. So here I am, and I'm scared. I hope everyone stays true to their promise. The promise to me, anyway. Which brings me to more guilt.198

I have never broken a promise to Erika. Especially not one that was written and signed. It's against my morals in every way... so it was hard to make myself talk those people out of doing what they promised to do. It wasn't hard to do though because at this point in these peoples lives, they're nearly brain-dead. Now I see how Erika got them to sign the pact in the first place – mix a few severely depressed kids with a literate, histrionic murderer, and you have a memorable cluster suicide. Hopefully it won't work. I hope this isn't recorded in any newspapers. I hope no one ever finds out about the pact or about Erika being a killer, and I hope she comes into her right mind long enough to get off of that building tomorrow morning and go to her classes like she has been doing her whole life. Please, don't let her get put in prison.199

I haven't talked to any of the others today except for Joshua. He is still with me on this plan, and he's happy I talked them out of it. He said he's going to be at school tomorrow and willing to help in any way he can. I'm not sure what anyone could do... even me. But unless Erika manages to kill me tomorrow, I'll write again. 200

Wish me luck.201

Lewis 202

Chapter7203

October 7204

I've decided to get up extra early this morning to write. Okay, “extra” for me is ten minutes. But I am awake, for the last time. This is my last time to wake up, to write, to listen to music too loudly for my own good and with no consideration for my neighbors, and my last sunrise to see. And I am so unbelievably happy.205

Death is supposedly so sad and so tragic... I'm sure whoever does manage to get a hold of this and read it will see this all in such a lack of light that it will distort everything I would like to get across to humanity. But here I am, on my death day, happier than I have been in my entire sixteen year life. No longer does it matter that I'm not normal, or that Lewis doesn't love me, or that I'm not pretty enough. Because I've won the race. I have indeed, because in two hours I will be getting scrapped up off of the concrete and every ones' narrow mind will be painfully forced open with a meta-physical wrench. And my soul will smile.206

I never did wallow in my own problems in peace like Lewis. I take them out on myself, others, and then I do something about it. That's what I'm doing now. I've always been one to get hurt easily, physically and emotionally, the latter especially. It's too much pain to be in for sixteen long, drawn out years, and I'm happy to the point of ecstasy to get out of it. I'll be glad to go wherever it is I'm going. I think wherever it is will be full of people like me. People who will like me just fine, and laugh down at all of the brain-dead on this planet and laugh even harder when they blow themselves up.207

It's time to go meet Lewis, Robin, Tommy, Joshua and Miriam at school. My last hope is that when we jump, Lewis hold my hand. I don't care who is on the other side, if anyone, but I want his hand to hold mine this once.208

Goodbye, world.209

Erika210

October 7211

later.212

I survived this horrible day that Erika planned so strategically. I don't know what to think of it, now I'm wishing I had gone along with her, but I didn't. It's been a long day.213

I showed up immediately after Erika, and followed her up to the roof of the school. There were barely any other students around yet. She had, in her purse, all of the fireworks she, Miriam, and Tommy had stolen. She smiled at me.214

“How are you?” she asked. I felt sick to my stomach from the situation but didn't want to give away the fact that no one else was going to arrive. 215

“I'm fine. You?”216

“Best.” It was 7:00 and no one else had shown up yet. Erika didn't look entirely too nervous.217

“They better hurry the hell up,” she said. I nodded. We were both standing by the stairwell leading to the roof, waiting. Then, to my absolute horror and dismay, I heard someone coming up them. It was Miriam. 218

“Why are you late, and where is everyone else?” Erika asked. She was looking at me but Miriam answered.219

“I'm sorry, I woke up late. I don't know where they are...” Miriam looked at me and shrugged. Then she went on to stare at Erika in awe. Erika was staring at me, her eyes too intense for my own comfort, as usual. She walked over to the edge and saw Robby, Tommy, and Joshua standing in the parking lot. They saw her. She beckoned them, and they shook their heads. Then, she turned around to face me like a taunted demon. 220

“Why aren't they up here?” she asked. I sighed. It was time.221

“Look, Erika,” I walked closer to her. She was too close to the edge for my liking. So was Miriam. “They're not going to jump.”222

“Why?”223

“I told them... I told everyone not to jump.” I looked at Miriam. “Everyone agreed. I'm only up here to get you. I'm up here for you.” Her expression was blank.224

“I'm going to kill you all,” she said. 225

“That's fine, but please, lets get off of here. Please. I want to talk to you someplace else.”226

“Fuck you, you are a traitor. So are they,” she pointed towards the rest of the pact signers in the parking lot. They were watching intently. 227

“I don't want you to jump, Erika! There are ways to deal with problems without going to extreme measures.”228

“Do you not understand that this isn't a way to deal with my problems? I like to kill. I love it. And I'm going after the most difficult victim of all.”229

“I know, Erika. But the things that led you to this...”230

“Fuck it, I'm jumping.” Miriam smiled and took one of the fireworks from Erika. She lit it, threw it in the air, and it exploded with a ton of bright colors. 231

This caused nearly all of the students to come around to the side of the building where we were standing. I don't know why none of the teachers came up here, but they didn't, All of the kids were looking at us. Erika looked down at them, and some of them waved. Tommy, Joshua, and Robin were in the front row. 232

“Erika, please.” 233

“Lewis, I can't make you do it,” she said. “Go to my room on my computer desk, there is a pink journal. Everything I can't say is in it, including my records of this.” She looked at Miriam. I could tell Miriam was going to follow Erika in whatever choices she made, so I didn't even bother trying to talk her out of it.234

“Don't jump, and you can come with me to get it and we can talk about it.” I had no clue what she was talking about it, and my thoughts were racing so fast that I felt I may faint. The sky was slightly gray and the air was cool. I felt intermittent drops of rain from the sky every few minutes, and Erika stared at me, now looking like a real person with real feelings. Her placid exterior was gone, and she didn't look so poised. My heart dropped.235

Then, the weirdest thing happened. She took five running steps forward, to me, put both of her arms around me, and kissed me. It wasn't a friendly kiss, either, it was a full-out kiss complete with tongue. I felt myself freeze and every kind of emotion I never allowed myself ran through my entire body. Then she stepped back.236

“Bye,” she said. She took Miriam's hand and turned around.237

“Stop!” She turned around and looked at me. I heard someone scream and I looked away. Then I looked back, and they were both gone.238

They jumped. I was scared to death to look over the edge and see what happened, so I didn't. I ran downstairs and heard the screaming of over a thousand sickened teenagers. I heard sirens. I ran towards Robin, Tommy, and Joshua. I tried with all my strength not to look at the expected mess on the concrete fifteen feet in front of me. 239

“Oh my God!” Tommy screamed. Several people had passed out. Robin sighed. I wanted to die.240

“She kissed me, dude,” I said. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack.241

“Of course she did,” Joshua said. “She's loved you forever.”242

School was canceled today. All of the commotion was too much for classes to happen, and too many kids had gotten sick. I'm surprised I didn't. I didn't see them carry Erika and Miriam out, because I didn't want to. Because I assumed, like everyone else, except the ones brave enough to look, that they were dead.243

One of them is dead.244

According to surveillance cameras, when they were falling to the ground, they were in a hugging position, and Erika landed on top of Miriam. The short distance to the ground shouldn't have killed anyone. It would have caused broken bones at most, but considering the fact that Erika was on top of Miriam, Miriam was crushed and died. Erika is now in the hospital. A mental one.245

Robin, Tommy, Joshua, and I went up to see her when she was in the emergency room. She was having her wounds cleaned by a nurse and she looked at me.246

“Be sure,” she said, “to get the journal.” 247

“I will.248

“I won't be out for about a month.” We all looked at her with pity in our eyes. She looked like she always did, only with a few bruises. I supposed it just reflects her inner-self more. 249

Before we left, I hugged her. I'm sure she didn't want me to, but I felt it was in order. When I got home, I heard the news of Francis being found dead and Tommy's parents as well. They were both labeled “apparent suicides” so Erika is in the clear. I only hope that when she gets out of the hospital, we can be friends again. Maybe she can stop killing people and we can move away. I read everything she wrote in her diary, like she told me to, and I know now what I want, and I hope that after today she still wants the same.250

I hope she tore up that fucking Pact.251

Lewis