A Fateful Epitaph

The pen scribbled quietly across the table as the pale moonlight shone through the window upon the victim of such a very sad fate. Tears dripped onto the page, smudging some of the ink. His heartbeats ticked in unison with the grandfather clock, counting down the seconds left until his death. “Why must I be the one to die?” thought the poor man, who continued to transfer his thoughts onto paper.1

For how so truly terrible had this night been. Allan could not grasp the meaning of what was happening, but was even more perplexed at the idea of who had given him the strange message. His hope, love, and life seemed to be crumbling down right before his eyes. He tried to convince himself that he had been dreaming, but it had seemed all too real. So much would he be leaving behind. His job, his family, his home, all would be gone. Most importantly however, he would be leaving his first love.2

Painstaking needles stabbed at his heart at the thought. Leona, his beloved. If only he could see her but once more before the hour of fate struck. Setting down his pen, he wiped his face from the warm streams of tears that were trickling down his soft cheeks. No matter what, he had to face it. Inner strength was hard to find on that quiet November night.3

Allan regained his composure, and resumed his laborious task of writing on the paper that was set before him. So many questions would be unanswered. The page was filled with words. He had but one more sentence to go. However, finding a way to end his paper was not the hardest part of the evening. Nonetheless, he reached for a book on his desk and rummaged it's contents. His eyes skimmed each page, seeking for the perfect match to his search. As he neared the final page, he had come upon what he had been looking for, the way to end his paper.4

He copied the sentence, and looked at it in admiration. Written neatly towards the bottom of the page read:5

“We sometimes congratulate ourselves at the moment of waking from a troubled dream: it may be so the moment after death.”6

NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE, American Note-Books, 18367

Although his eyes were reddened, and wet from his tears, he smiled. It was the perfect quote. Nothing could've ended the paper better than this. However, it seemed as if large, rainy clouds shrouded his mind, as his focus was altered to the reality he would soon face.8

At what hour the clock would strike, upon which the dreadful act would be fulfilled, Allan knew not. All he knew was that it would be soon. Vividly, the message that had been announced to him reminisced in his mind. The words seemed to be stamped on his mind. Clearly and loudly, he recollected the exact message.9

“Allan, the sands in the hourglass of destiny are near it's end. For you are destined for something beyond this earth. Your time has come. I bear tidings, although gloomy, that must be attended to. Death knocks at your door, but you must answer.” He also remembered a hustling wind, causing the stranger's white cloak to ripple about his sandaled feet. His face could barely be made out considering a blinding light seemed to follow him like a shadow. However, over his shoulders, Allan could see large shapes at his back. They had looked strangely like wings.10

“Do not be afraid to embrace it. You may not feel ready to accept it, but have faith. You will be saved, and be brought into the splendor of eternal happiness. I charge you with one final task. You shall write yourself an epitaph. The memorial of your life, that you will be marked by among the army of the dead. You will find the right words, all you have to do is look right there,” the messenger stated, pointing a finger at his chest.11

As the memory began to fade, he placed his own hand upon his chest, feeling the pulsing rhythm of his heart. Each beat seemed to give forth a note of sadness. Allan then walked over to his desk, and picked up the piece of paper, now full with words. As he reread the solemn epitaph, a thought flickered into his head. He had to let Leona know. He would not leave her alone to be confused and abandoned.12

Picking up the phone from the desk side, he began to dial her number. He listened as it rang. Begging that she'd answer, he waited in anxiety. Soon however, that feeling faded as he was taken over with grief. He couldn't do it, he couldn't tell her. Something in him told him that it would be better off not to tell her. It would only make the matter worse.13

“Hello?” Leona asked as she answered his call. Allan remained silent. He could feel scalding hot tears well up in his eyes again. His heart wrenched and tore at his insides as pain erupted in his chest. He could not bring himself to tell her. “Hello? Is anyone there?” she asked again. He could feel his lip quiver, as a wave of sadness crashed over his entire being. The receiver did not leave his ear as he heard Leona continue to identify the caller. Breathing became increasingly difficult, as his throat tightened. The tears in his eyes were blinding him.14

Another voice entered his mind, but it did not belong to Leona. It was the mysterious messenger. “Your time has come, Allan. It is time to leave this earthly hell, and enter the realm of true sanctity. Your Father calls you, he has great plans for you. Adhere to his word. Go now, oh brave one.” At that, Allan felt a surge of invisible energy, as he was thrust upward.15

He was floating in the empty room of his home, and looked back to see his drained corpse fall to the wooden floor. With unexpectedness, a powerful force swirled about him. It cast him through a starry abode. A sudden darkness was sent upon him, and he seemed to lose all trace of his existence. 16

After an unknown increment of time, an immense brightness surrounded his essence, and looming before him was a large pearly gate. The large golden doorway swung forward on its own accord, and he was faced with an immense kingdom of majesty and glory. He had journeyed through the galaxy, and arrived at his destination. A smile broke the crease of his lips, as he strode onward, into the splendor of eternal life.

Author notes

The Celtic Bard

(for contest - age: 16)

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 31 of 31

  • quicksilver moon
    August 31, 2008

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    Wow, so the guy was going to heaven and he was warned that his death was near. I cant imagine how it would be like to write something at the last minutes of my life. It was an interesting little story based on a very good idea. Nice work!


  • Myra La-Ryn
    August 2, 2008

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    Wow.

    I really liked this. It felt like a normal suicide until the messenger thing. This was really powerful, the death in particular. Good luck in the contest!
    MLR

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    July 13, 2008

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    you have a good short story.

    Aha yes, nicely written and an interesting plot.

    You have a good beginning to capture the reader, plenty of activity to move the story along and finality at the end that doesn’t need further explanation .

    So you have a good short story.

    Our narrator express himself well and gives us a glorious view of Allan’s reward of an afterlife.

    Of course to make things interesting our hero must first suffer through some emotional upheaval—nice job of portraying that.

    JMHO something seems to be needed? So what is it? Just a few lines of what Allan wrote in his own epitaph would be nice, not just something he borrowed from another writer.

    beginning: 5.


  • Tarja
    June 20, 2008
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    Congrats on all the trophies this had so much depth and emotion. Like the comment below mine said, It was interesting that you stayed on the topic of his death and else. you certainly have a brilliant mind and are a very talented writer. Thanks so much for entering and good luck.


  • toolenduso
    June 3, 2008

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    Awesome story! I love the setting, how you are thrust automatically into a man's ending without knowing anything else about him, that was just awesome. The style was poetic, and the emotion was fierce.

    It was a little unsatisfying in the sense that the reader has so little background, though. And this applies to the physical setting, the potential side stories, the details...but nevertheless, this piece was very well-done.

    Thanks for entering!

    Style: 9/10
    Flow: 8/10
    Uniqueness: 5/5
    Readability: 5/7
    Effect: 8/10
    Lack of Errors: 3/3
    Personal Score: 4/5
    Total: 42/50


  • magicmonster00M
    May 31, 2008

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    Wow! I just love your descriptions. Very few have your kind of talent, and I have to say that you are an amazing writer. When you say, "“Allan, the sands in the hourglass of destiny are near it's end. For you are destined for something beyond this earth. Your time has come. I bear tidings, although gloomy, that must be attended to. Death knocks at your door, but you must answer.” He also remembered a hustling wind, causing the stranger's white cloak to ripple about his sandaled feet. His face could barely be made out considering a blinding light seemed to follow him like a shadow. However, over his shoulders, Allan could see large shapes at his back. They had looked strangely like wings.

    “Do not be afraid to embrace it. You may not feel ready to accept it, but have faith. You will be saved, and be brought into the splendor of eternal happiness. I charge you with one final task. You shall write yourself an epitaph. The memorial of your life, that you will be marked by among the army of the dead. You will find the right words, all you have to do is look right there,” the messenger stated, pointing a finger at his chest." it amazes me, that someone can write like that. I just loved how you portrayed the man's feelings, although I would like you to give me more background information on the character, and his love, Leona.

    I also love the ending, "After an unknown increment of time, an immense brightness surrounded his essence, and looming before him was a large pearly gate. The large golden doorway swung forward on its own accord, and he was faced with an immense kingdom of majesty and glory. He had journeyed through the galaxy, and arrived at his destination. A smile broke the crease of his lips, as he strode onward, into the splendor of eternal life." The wording was perfect, and once again I love your descriptions. I don't recall seeing any grammar errors, and I am not going to go back to look.

    Thank you for the great read! I hope you keep on writing! I wish you lots of luck in story write and my very first contest.

    MagicMonster00M

    beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 3.


  • Reaver Greeters member
    May 23, 2008
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    This was enjoyable from beginning to end. I loved the place setting and that i could feel not only his dispair but acceptance? Very well done!


  • tallblondie gold member
    May 2, 2008

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    An eloquent description of what was essentially the spiritual journey of suicide. Excellent emotion evoked through masterful application of imagery and contemplation. Well done!

    Thank you for your entry and good luck!


  • moonwriter
    April 24, 2008

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    Wow. That is the only word that comes to mind after reading that. What can I say? I was hooked from line one. You told such a good story that I couldn't stop reading. It was incredible!

    I just couldn't tear my eyes away from the page until I knew what happened. You always left me wanting just a little bit more at the end of every paragraph. The imagery and emotions were simply amazing. The details flowed nicely and the plot line was addicting. You're quite an amazing writer.

    And you're only 16, too. Geez, I'm 16 and I'd love to write as well as you. Your story is simply amazing. Outstanding job.


  • Miss Hanako Cullen
    April 2, 2008
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    Good story.. thought the storyline was good and details very nice.


  • HopelesslyInLove
    March 29, 2008

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    Wow!

    This had tons of description and it was very original. You have the skills of a writer, my friend! Very beautiful and emotional, you could feel what the character was going through. Thanks for entering and good luck!

    *KAT*


  • deathbyfrootloopsxx
    March 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You have a great imagination, and I like the plot for this story a lot. I think most readers would be able to assume that he knew his time was coming because a messenger told him that the epitaph would be his final task, so to speak. Beautiful and vividly imagined. As far as the actual writing, you again have a great imagination, and it's obvious that you know exactly what you want to say. I'm not sure you always say it the right way. Some parts of it are a bit wordy, and there are some little nitpicky grammar errors here and there.

    Bottom line is... you have a ton of potential for greatness, and a lot of your greatness is already shining through. I would build on that as much as possible. If you're serious about writing (which you should definitely consider), just keep doing what you're doing now -- enter 5000000 contests to get feedback and editing marks on your writing. If you can learn how to take this kind of advice, the world can be yours =].

    Again, great write, and keep at it.


  • Seachelle
    March 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Oh my...

    This is one hell of a piece you've got here... No pun intended... I sincerely liked this, the dark part of death, but the light part of happiness for an eternity. This was definately beautiful in every form of the word. One thing that I honestly loved about this was that it is religious, but not in an arrogant way. You may or may not be trying to persuade people that there is a better life after this, but if that was your intent, you did a good job. The only negative thing I found was a comma splice in the very first sentence and you forgot to add a word somewhere else... Other than that, I enjoyed reading this and I relished in its originality. If you have written more, please do tell me so I can read on. Good luck in the contest and thank you for reading the rules
    Ana


  • J.R. Coleman
    February 23, 2008
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    I didn't exactly understand what was happening throughout the story, but it was well written. Descriptive and imaginative background, but I didn't understand why it was there. I have a short attention span, and even though I was confused, it kept my attention all the way through. Good luck in the contest.


  • stardust3492
    February 22, 2008
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    This was kind of weird, but in a good way. Thanks for entering and good luck!
    ~


  • Xtclozer-
    February 14, 2008

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    Great job on this story I read all the way through which is a good thing It means it kept my attention and I didnt want to look away! hehe. Any way, Thanks for entering my contest, and good luck


  • beezy92
    February 12, 2008
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    I didn't really like this. As I put in the notes for my contest, I'm a Christian and this disturbed me a little. Still it was a good write, very dramatic, but in a good way. It reminded me a little of a scene from Wizard of Oz, but more mature. Anyway good write, but it wasn't what I was looking for.

    Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest!


  • Zach...thats me
    February 7, 2008
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    WOw that was great especially the ending great job good luck in the contest


  • tabbykat92
    February 4, 2008
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    This was a good story, almost comforting in a way. Good luck in the contest.


  • happy go lucky13
    January 28, 2008
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    it was kinda like a poem, only not...


  • EphemeralStyle
    January 23, 2008

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    WOW. This is hard-core. I really believed what you wrote because of the way the 'mysterious messenger' spoke, and the way Allan felt.

    So he knew he was going to die because he was getting signs of a heart-attack? Wow. This is really serious and the subject is a broad and profound one to write about. You've definitely set yourself a challenge here, and pulled it off.

    Cool!

    Eph


  • Ninja Bubble
    January 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I loved this one, but I only have oine question, why was he to die? I didn't see mistakes, so you get a 5/5 Mr./Ms. Perfect!


  • yumesandman
    January 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Teehee, I love "Stranger than Fiction" too. It kind of surprised me because I'm not a huge fan of Ferrell's, but the role was strangely intelligent for him.

    Anywho, that aside.

    This is written extremely well. The emotional content is great, and the "Angel" adds just the right hint of mystery without leaving the reader in the dark.

    My one issue is that some of your lines are very direct and simple, while others are very flowery. You tend to switch between the two, and it gets a little distracting and takes away from the overall tone. Just something to watch for.

    Over all, great job!


  • IxLovexElphiex
    December 24, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Great

    This was really sweet. So sad, and really filled to the top with great emotion! Great great job, and really just a great read. Thanks for the great grammer! Thanks for entering my contest and good luck!!

  • werner1221
    December 19, 2007
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    1st 3 lines.

    crazy good. stellar 1st 3 lines. great job.

    thanks for entering


  • potaytee
    November 25, 2007
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    Awww that is so sad. I enjoyed that. Well done.


  • Felissa
    November 20, 2007

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    Phantasmagorical!

    Woah...
    I can already tell that this contest is going to be incredibly difficult to judge. To begin with, the title is attention-grabbing. I wanted to read this story without even having started. The wording is brilliant and immediately tugs you on the shoulders.
    You are also right about the Nathaniel Hawthorne quote suiting him very well.
    When he tries to call Leona, I can imagine that my eyes, upon reading it, resembled dinner plates. Every word beckoned me onward.
    Happy ending, too! What more can there be?
    Good luck!!!
    ~_^Star
    P.S. Would definitely applaud if I had any free left (you deserve it) but I can't. Sorry.


  • Summer Lion
    November 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This was absolutely well written. Your use of words was amazing and descriptive. I was completely captivated. I felt a few commas were added where none was needed, but other then that there were no mistakes. Wonderful job.


  • Infectious Insanity
    November 7, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    wow. great description. yeah it was moving
    v. sad
    good luck with the contest

    *sheepy*


  • Olinda
    October 12, 2007

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    Sorry, I clicked enter by accident... Anyway, this is a pretty good story yet very sad and wierd and leaves a lot of questions. You also made the person sound robotic. Even though you siad he was crying, you didn't say anything about how he acted when the 'angel' told him he had to die. No normal person will just nod and say okay. Yet, you didn't say that he asked why or that he yelled, why me? Or anything like that. It left m,e very confused. Also, you did not add any of the topica I gave you. Read the directions first.
    But, it was a very good descriptive story.
    Thank you for entering.


  • Olinda
    October 12, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    umm..

1 - 31 of 31