Pain

He walked out of my life. He walked out of my life for good and wasn’t going to come back any time soon. I wanted to go after him, but my feet wouldn’t listen to my brain. I needed him in my life, for without his kind heart I would crumble to pieces and fall to the ground, broken. Nothing could repair me or my shattered heart and soul. He made me whole. He made me who I am today and for that I am forever grateful. 1

Before I met him my heart was tearing inside, while I plastered a smile to my face. My smile was a facade so nobody could see into my heart and see my pain and suffering. I kept everyone at a distance so they couldn’t tell I was crying inside. I created a wall around me and wouldn’t let anyone in. I felt as if I needed to hide and that nobody in this world felt the same way I did. If anyone found out I was afraid they would send me to a shrink or something else I saw no need for. So I kept the real me hidden from the ones I cared most about. I felt I needed to protect them from the horror that lie beneath my skin. 2

Every night I would sit in my room, alone. Keeping my family as far away as I could, so I couldn’t destroyed their lives as I had destroyed my own. If they knew what I had been through, they would worry more about me then themselves. I didn’t want them to constantly be worried and concerned for me, and ruin their good time. I didn’t need to draw in more people into my world of misery. I sat in my room the blinds shut, lights off and my music
so loud its beat rattled my room. The music’s beat not only kept the song alive, it kept me alive. Without music I don’t know if I
would have made it as far as I have.
Music has kept me on this Earth longer than expected. It was my escape from the world. I got lost in the pain and suffering, so much like mine, of the lyrics. When the pain in the song ended I thought maybe mine will to, until I woke up the next morning and remembered what my life really was. 3

In less than a year, my life went from being picture perfect to being the nightmare everybody dreads. My life started to crumble when I was accused of something I did not do. The few close friends I did have thought I had betrayed them, but really I was trying to help them. My actions were of help were mistaken for actions of cruelty. So I soon gave up on trying to help people, something I had always done. Everyone that tried to help me, I pushed away and wouldn’t let them get close for I thought someone would get hurt. 4

I met him only a year ago today. At first I pushed him away along with everyone else. But he was different. He persisted and tried to get inside my personal bubble that I had formed around myself after the accident. I couldn't seem to push him away as he kept persitsing and did not give up. Eventually I gave up pushing him away knowing it was a waste of energy. He cautioned closer everyday. It didn't take very long until he submerged himself in my bubble, my space and my mind. He asked question after question trying to understand the disaterous mind and soul that lay inside me. I felt comfortable with him, something I haven't felt in a long time. I told him things I had never told anybody else and he sat there listening patiently not judging me or critizing my thoughts and emotions. That was the best help anyone could have gave me. 5

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