The day came and went Sharon couldn’t shake the iciness from her bones. She lay numb on the sofa as the dream ran through her mind, it must have been the 10th time she re evaluated it today. 1
“Sharon, dinners ready.” Gary yelled through.2
“I’m coming.” Sharon arose from the sofa.3
“Mommy, it is your favourite, pasta.” Jamie shouted.4
“I see that baby, looks good doesn’t it?”5
“Sure does.” 6
Gary sat and watched Sharon push her food around her plate, “You don’t have to eat it you know?” He said eyes still focused on her plate. “I know just not really hungry.”7
“Want to tell me what the dream was about?” He asked.8
“Just a nightmare that’s all, don’t worry.” Sharon gave him a faint smile of assurance, but even Gary wasn’t falling for that. “Okay, if you say I won’t push it.” Gary reached over the table and took hold of her hand.9
As Gary cleared away the plates Sharon went back to lie down on the sofa, Jamie followed. “Mommy, you ok?” He asked looking at her with his big brown eyes.10
“I’m fine honey, just a little tired is all.” Jamie lay down next to her; Sharon’s mind began again to race.11
Transcend me back in time where peace was all I knew,12
And help rid this icy chill that burns my blood the colour blue.13
Don’t leave me here lying still, help me to my feet once more,14
Ignore the evil of the world, step over the cracks in the floor.15
Protect me, protect them the ones that my life does revolve,16
And in this time of demolishment, may my problems be easily solved.17
Let their life be trouble-free and may they forget the past, and me,18
And from this haunted after taste allow them to remain free.19
Keep the evil at bay; the devil gone and ghost from the past remain,20
Keep them in the realm of fantasy; don’t show them as insane.21
And when the icy clutches of the dead has gripped their undying soul,22
Help them escape to a place I have found, only knew as the unknown…23
Author notes
I really need to know what the verse is like in this before I go any further with it. If I could have an honest oppinion to see if it goes ok??
Thanks Natalia
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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The message of the verse is fine. The words are good. I would work on the meter of the verse. It seems a bit choppy.
You've timed the verse at a good spot in the story. This reader applauds you for making Sharon's uncertainty clear. It also sets up the rest of the short story.
You've segued the opening of this page nicely. The opening sentence is real nice because you've settled the timing in place, which makes for easier reading.
I believe any poem can be turned into a short-story and any short-story into a novel.
The ideas you've come up with are excellent, and you shouldn't let this one sit.
I'm still hooked, and the pace is fine.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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airm it seems ok to me
i dont inderstand this:reevaluated
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reads okay to me
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excellent
I am eager to find out what happens next. I am far to late to affect the story but the verses are fine and open areas of thought in me. -
The story still grips the reader and leaves them yearning for more more more!!!!! I too stumbled over the end of the last line of the poem ...the 'knew' got me..I can see you can't say 'only known as the unknown' ..or maybe you could!..or maybe 'a place of the unknown'...only mere suggestions of course
I can't wait for installment #13..my lucky number..so it should be a great one!!!!
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well, well, the suspense thickens as the plot thickens
and I do so love the ending of wonderment!!!
take me where no man goes, in my heart in my dreams
take me where the fairies play!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
excited to see # 13
and never put yourself down for this is an awesome adventur
you write quite well.
ten stars for you ******
&)&&)^&/%$$(&_-==
Tamara -
The build up here is getting intense Natalia. - you are keeping the mystery alive - waiting for part 13 now.
Keep going
~Von~ -
Nat, this was awesome like all the rest, alot shorter, thoug
I like the verse, but I agree with everyone else on the last line........ I can't wait for the ending
Karen
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Overall Nat I like this part and I like the verse at the end it makes it so haunting...the verse is good but I agree with everyone else...the last line seemed awkward
Great job Nat I love how this is going
~~Dawn -
I agree with Danna..
it reads just fine apart from the last line which doesn't quite fit.
apart from that...its great.
Well done.
Ann -
I read the verse out loud, and it flows really well, but the very last line did not quite fot with your meter/rhyme scheme. My tongue kinda stumbled over that line, but the rest of it is great!
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