"Welcome to St Heringtons Secondry" belowed the posh headmaster
"Hi I'm Alyssa Rodman" said Alyssa shaking the headmasters hand
" I know and according to your permanent record your very smart and intelligent"
Alyssa smiled lightly and started to get angry she didnt really want to go to the school uncle Richard picked
Alyssa put her hands in her jean pockets and looked at the ground fury came into Alyssa she wanted her mother back her mothers sweet kind nature was gone she missed her so much...she just wanted to see her mothers face one more time and then her misery would drift away Alyssa's mind was spinning with thoughts of her mother and father she just wanted to be with them...is that much to ask?
Alyssa was walking along the corridoors as she heard whispers inside her head "We're here" whispered something
Alyssa saw something on the floor it was a picture of her mother and father with Alyssa in her hands
Then more whispers "Taramoray High" it repeated over and over then she got a text from an unknown number saying "Taramoray is your school"
She noticed something this number used to be her mothers before she vanished...Alyssa thought about her mum all day
Shes out there somewhere!
Then she got another text saying:
I'm not dead oh and tell Aunt Caroline i said Hello
Alyssa went up to her bedroom that night and saw the picture of her mother
Alyssa whispered "shes out there"
And fell to sleep that starry sky night
The mobile bleeped franticly at 12:00am saturday morning :Happy Birthday Hunnie Love Mum and Dad xx the text read
Then a small cake arrived from the ceiling to the duvet of Alyssa's bed with 13 candles all over
Alyssa smiled widely
Alyssa walked outside and her mother and father were standing outside
"Mum! Dad!" Alyssa cried out
"Hi hunnie" her mother said
Alyssa hugged her dad tight
"I thought you vanished and got killed?" Alyssa said confused
Alyssa's mother looked more confused than anyone
"No who told you that?...We had to go fight of an evil curse" her mother and father said at the same time
"Evil curse?" Now Alyssa was the most confused
"Its time you knew" said Lucy Rodman
"What?" Alyssa stared at her mother hard
The next minute trees were floating around the street lights were flickering on and off, clouds were racing through the starry night sky
Lucy Rodman belowed "Trecamordasor!"
Everything stopped
Alyssa looked very amazed
"Mum! How?" asked Alyssa
"Your a witch Alyssa Rodman"
Alyssa just stood there amazed
Author notes
based on harry potter!
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Okay, I can tell you're working really hard on this peice. You're missing a lot of commas and other punctuation. I find that when you read a peice out loud it helps you catch these mistakes. Remember that a comma would simbalize a short pause in a sentence, while a period would simbalize a longer pause. Your sentences seem to drone on. It's not hard to read, but if you use punctuation correctly everything will flow better.
I like the storyline you have here, but I think things are happening a little too quickly. Since your chapters are shorter, the first couple should be mostly character building.
Also with your dialouge you're saying a lot of that same things: she said, she asked ETC...
I know a lot of people have trouble with that, but its easily fixable, heres a great websight with good synonms for said.
http://www.geocities.com/completely_nutters/saidsynonyms.htm
Also you could incorporate more imagery into your story.
Next time you're walking around take special notice to how people act, such as tucking hair behind their ear or folding their arms across their chest. YOu can incorporate this onto your story fairly easily and it adds more character.
Okay, I have to say that your story has a lot of great potential and I can tell you are really into it. Keep on writing, you'll only get better
Bye
beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 3, ending: 2, dialog: 2, characters: 1.
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once again, good idea. I like the story so far, but the writing still needs work. There are some run-on sentences that took me a few rereads to understand. Just add some commas and periods in places where they should be and it should be fine.
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this is sum awesome stuff here
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