Episode 2 – I’m My Opposite
PREVIOUSLY – Alice woke up in an afterlife after an accident in a swimming pool. She met Rob who seemed to want to help her with something. She discovered that she is actually in a coma back in her own life.
While Alice tries to find out how to get out of this afterlife she starts to discover that she is a completely different person in this world especially in school. Rob continues to follow Alice everywhere much to her disgust.
Alice walks down the stairs, her hair is a mess and she obviously hasn’t slept judging by the bags under her eyes.
A crackling noise comes from the kitchen.
Mother –“Oh your up, listen sorry about last night but …”
Alice –“Whatever.”
Mother –“Alice you never say such things, well you never have before.”
Alice –“Oh I’m just not myself again today.”
Her mother puts some bacon on a plate and puts it in front of Alice.
Alice –“This is a change from porridge.”
Mother –“Porridge, don’t make me laugh you hate that stuff.”
Alice –“I know.”
She rubs Alice’s head.
Mother –“You need to hurry if you’re going to get the bus.”
Alice drops the piece of bacon back onto the plate.
Alice –“School? I’m not …”
Mother –“No complaining, anyway what would Jase do without you?”
Alice –“Who is Jase?”
Mother –“Oh stop it with these weird games.”
Alice gets off her chair.
Alice –“I’m not playing games, who is … NO you mean Jase Adams?”
Mother –“Yes of course, what other Jase is there?”
Alice then notices a figure stood outside her kitchen window, it is Rob.
Alice –“Oh for the love of …”
Mother –“Don’t finish that sentence, now go and get changed.”
Alice smiles sarcastically at her mother and begins to climb the stares.
Mother –“There’s a boy outside.”
Alice –“I know.”
She continues up the stairs.
We cut to half an hour later; Alice is running to her bus stop which is down the road.
She sees the last person at the stop get onto the bus.
Alice –“Wait.”
This is not heard and the bus drives off.
She throws her bag onto the ground and sighs.
Rob –“Need some help?”
She jumps back in fright.
Alice –“What are you a stalker?”
She picks her bag up and waits for a passing car.
Rob –“I can take you in.”
Alice –“I’m good thanks I had enough of you yesterday.”
Rob –“Do you want to talk about the coma?”
Alice closes her eyes in frustration.
Alice –“Yeah let’s do that.”
She says this sarcastically.
Rob –“I know it doesn’t make sense but …”
Alice –“NO it doesn’t make sense and there is not one thing you can tell me that will change that, so back off.”
He rolls his eyes and begins to turn away.
Alice suddenly screams out in pain and she sits on the ground, she has her hand on her stomach.
Rob –“Are you okay?”
He rushes up to her.
Alice looks at him.
Alice –“Fine, you take me.”
He smiles and lifts her up; they start to walk to his nearby car.
We now cut to inside Rob’s car, they sit in silence.
Rob –“Are you sure you don’t want to ask me anything?”
Alice –“Yes positive I found out everything I need to know when you gave me that folder so just please stop talking.”
Rob –“I have to explain …”
Alice –“Pull over.”
He stops at the side of the road.
Alice –“I can walk from here.”
She slams the door and he puts his head on the wheel.
We see Alice walking at the side of the road; we then cut to a giant building, Alice’s school.
There are students running around everywhere, some in groups others on there own.
Alice –“Here I go again.”
She goes to enter the school but a girl comes rushing towards her. This girl is Jase Adams.
Jase –“Hi girl.”
Alice stares at her in amazement because in her real life Jase wouldn’t even look at her.
Alice suddenly remembers what her mother had said earlier in the day.
Alice –“Hi.”
Jase –“You were hilarious on Friday, pure comedian.”
Alice –“Really?”
Jase –“Oh I forgot how would you remember you were out of your head.”
She laughs.
Alice –“Oh I drink?”
Jase –“Don’t play with me girl, anyway do you wanna skip English?”
Alice –“Why would I want … oh no.”
Jase looks shocked.
Jase –“So you’re finally going to face him.”
Alice –“Face who?”
Jase –“Mr Donavon.”
Alice –“Oh god what did I do to him?”
Jase laughs again.
Jase –“Girl you hooked up with him, I don’t think anyone could block that one out.”
Alice looks disgusted.
Alice –“Please tell me that’s a …”
She puts her hand on her stomach again and gasps in pain.
Jase –“What’s wrong? You’re not still in the aftermath of Friday are you?”
Alice –“Maybe.”
Jase links arms with Alice and drags her into the school.
We now cut to English class. Alice is sat on her own.
Mr Donavon –“So class I asked you to think of some metaphors that were in this … poem.”
He stares at Alice and smiles. She is obviously uncomfortable.
Mr Donavon –“Mr Tate, read yours out please.”
A boy from the back of the class begins to read. While he does this Mr Donavon goes to his desk and starts writing something.
Mr Donavon –“Very good, am Mrs Adams your next.”
He then slips a note secretly onto Alice’s desk.
She looks at him in confusion.
She opens the note it reads “You can skip the next class, I need some action”
She tears up the note and looks at him in horror.
Alice –“This isn’t real, it isn’t real.”
Fortunately the bell rings and Alice jumps of her seat and dashes out of the room.
Jase runs after her.
Jase –“Alice, ALICE what is up with you?”
Alice –“I don’t know this just isn’t me.”
Jase –“But it is, have you got amnesia or something.”
She laughs.
Alice –“That’s not funny.”
She storms off.
Before she can leave she sees Rob stood at her locker.
Alice –“You’re pathetic.”
She walks passed him and walk up some stairs.
Her runs after her.
Rob –“Look we need to talk about this, it’s not as simply as you think.”
Alice stops.
Alice –“Simply? Are you kidding me?”
Rob –“No I mean this isn’t what it seems?”
Alice –“Oh you think.”
Rob –“Look …”
Alice –“I’m stuck in some weird reality which seems to be better then my actually life.”
Rob –“Stop shouting.”
Alice –“Oh here we go, am I not supposed to tell everyone I’m from another world.”
Rob –“Well of course you can’t.”
Something to believe in by Agulung plays.
Alice –“I’m just not this …”
She holds her stomach again but this time seems to be unable to breath.
Rob –“Alice?”
Alice –“Ahhh.”
She suddenly collapses and falls down the stairs.
Rob kneels by her side and begins shaking her.
Students begin to gather around in shock.
Rob –“Alice, Wake up!”
Jase stands behind them with her hand over her mouth in shock.
Alice lays there unconscious.
The episode ends.
Author notes
Okay so this is the 2nd episode of the new series I'm writing Nobody. All comments are wanted!
Please comment and be truthful!
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
-
I haven't read the first part of this (mainly because I clicked on the shameless promotion). But it seems to flow in a very akward manner. It reads like a screenwrite but it has none of the acting cues or curtain calls. It lacks deeply in narration and detail and it's not structured like a story. I'm just confused as to what kind of work this is.
Nonetheless, it's an interesting piece that has kept my interest. Good work and keep it up. -
I am still lost why alice wants to returned to her old life. I am surpirsed she not want to stay.
Have her to play around in new life... to see what kind of person she is...
Take your time about her going back to her old life...
Lynnbeginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
-
you should keep going iv read all 3 so far
beginning: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 2.
-
Do you know WHERE you are going with this?
"Help her with SOMETHING" with what?
"Disgust" why?
"Kitchen" where?
Don't use words like "Whatever." They say less than nothing!
"Not myself again today!" This is a funny line!
As I go...I think: The idea is basically a good one...and interesting...BUT: You need to strengthen the dialogue. It lacks credibility and sounds almost childlike. I think you need to listen more carefully to your internal ear. This back and forth has the earmarks of shallowness, commonplace, trivial. It lacks SUBSTANCE. Sounds contrived.Further, Alice's attitude is unexplained. Why is she so annoyed at Rob?
I'm not sure when "Friday" was...but I think the idea of someone in her new world speaking to her about something which occurred before SHE got there is a good one. (But what happened to the "other" Alice?)
BTW...I don't really like the referring to her as "girl." Sounds very ethnic. Is it meant to be? It's a cliche anyway...and a not-so-nice- way of classifying a group of people...(with their slang)
It's cheap and downgrading.
BTW..."You're" is spelled that way. a contraction of YOU ARE!
What means: "Something to believe in by Agulung plays?"
This seems a little loose so far...in several respects. One of them is your punctuation, grammar, et al. The next is your plotting...seems like you may not be quite sure where this is headed. Tighten it us...don't have all these misspellings, etc.!
Be conservative (economical) don't waste words and scenarios. Don't be cryptic. SOMEBODY ought to know what's going on! And it might has well be the reader...but it MUST be the writer.
-
Critique Commentary
The only major suggestion I can truly lend you is that for any and all future internal dialog, parenthesis() or use italics if possible but the realism is still contiuing without any provacation. Keep penningbeginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
-
This is great! I can't wait to read more!
-
Hmm
I am getting impatient, I want to hear what Rob has to say. You keep toying with us. What are the rules in this new reality? Has Alice got to learn something before she can go back? Will she want to go back?
Andy
-
Again a very readable TV script, and again it's better than your earlier work. I love the premise of a girl being stuck in a parallel universe (afterlife whatever) and discovering that her life has completely changed around. I think I've seen this before though. Anyway it's a good piece of work, but it could do with a bit of proof-reading. It makes me want to read on and I suppose that's the most important thing of all.
-
Great!
It was great,you realy need to keep writing them.I love it so much I have been sending them to all myfriends
-
This is good, definatly weird,well weird to me.I think this story is getting better.
Maybe it's just me but maybe you should describe what's going in some parts, I mean maybe it's just me. Otherwise , it's really good and it's getting better.Can't wait for the next episode!! -
This is very good. You are doing a great job of keeping the story going and showing Alice trying to cope with the situation.
Lady Dragonwyck
-
good... i love the cliffhangers... well i hate them but u know, they leave me wanting more XD kept my attention and makes me want to know even more whats going on...
-
Excellent ending-cliffhangers are always great if done well!
Not sure I agree with the below comment, the country its set in isn't really too important unless its required later in the script.
The storyline is starting to come into its own, now, though I still think you should go crazy with the descriptions of places (ie-what did the kitchen look like? Was it a mess? Does the camera do a quick pan round before zooming in? Ok, forget that last bit!)
But I think you're well on the way to what will become quite a script!
-
God, but a little more detail could be put in.
This is good, getting you involved with what she sees life as, but a few things need to be explained. The setting needs to be a bit better describes, that is, where are they? Is it in America or the UK or where? Try to slip in little descriptions of characters in the next one! It helps the reader visualise how you see the characters and familiarises them with people like Alice and Rob.
The school part is really good and realistic, the way that Jase reacts when Alice says that she doesn't know wyhat happened: coming up with a solution for all her comments about not remembering, like –“What’s wrong? You’re not still in the aftermath of Friday are you?”. It would be really horrible if you got dumped into a life where you were suddenly responsible for all the problems - knowing that you had no control over what you did! That's a good idea, and I can imagine the discomfort and embarassment, not to mention the worry of what else you might have done!
It clearly makes her sick in the stomach; a teacher that she's never even looked twice at before obsessing about her. This feeling is put across well. And when she reads the note... ew! That'd be a wost nightmare!
Rob should have said it's not as simple as you think, not simply and then Alice should conform to this too in the next statement.
Again, it's actual, not actually. When Alice says it's better than her actual life, that perhaps lacks a little realisticness. Generally I would agree with her, but when yor teacher is in love with you... no thanks. Or does she fantasise aboutMr. Donavon
Alice lays should be "Alice lies". The Alice and Rob scenario reminds me a small bit of Clare and Zach in Heroes.
The ending is good, and I love the way that you built in little spasms of pain that give hints. Is there something wrong with her in real life? Exciting, describes aspects of the day at school which is good! Can't wait to read more!
-
Nice cliff hanger.
I'm guessing that she's either dieing inher reality or is somehow coming out of her coma...?
This would make a great T.V series...beginning: 5, ending: 5, characters: 5.
-
dun dun duuun - nice cliffhanger maybe the pain in her gut is telling her something.
If she's in a coma in hospital maybe someone's sitting on her stomach XD
but good stuff mate - keep it up -
I assume her pain is due to her coma state....really like the way you have afterlife..so different to her own world.
and begins to climb the stares(stairs).
Mrs Adams (do you mean Miss or Mr here.)
it’s not as simply(simple) as
actual(ly) life.”
Sarah.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
-
COOOOOLIO
Nice one, i can't wait for the next one
-
oh wow i love this!!!!! except the part she slept with the teacher ewwww lol it seems that coulda happened in her old life not her after one.
Adding your comment:
1 - 19 of 19
