The Complete Truth

"Call someone healthy," My mom always says. "He just... says the wrong things. And you're always upset." Oh. My. Gosh. She's thinking the right thing, but... ugh. Still. I want to see my dad. And that's final, whether it's healthy for me to be around him or not.

But... I'm not so sure it's him. If my mom hasn't told you already, I've gotten moodswings since I was born. I got that information from her. And I definitely HAVE noticed them. Like... okay, one night, I was lying in bed, and all I did was cry. And I had no reason to. That's my point... I'm depressed right now. But I have no reason to be. But then I came up with a reason- Daddy. And I leached myself onto that reason for so long that I actually believed it. But now, I'm just figuring out what I've done.

To tell the truth, if I think about it, I don't know WHY I'm depressed. 'Cause it's not from Joe. And it's not from my dad. I... I don't know what it's from. And I'm probably just getting a VERY violent moodswing that will leave a scar saying, "I SURVIVED." But my question is... I survived WHAT?

I'd say the moodswings are based around depression and jealousy. I think of anything anyone has and I force myself to want it. And sometimes I break out and cry in front of my friends... but they understand. They've had times when they've needed to cry, too. But they try to help, it's just that they don't know how... and I don't either.

I've had enough of this nonsense. But... I don't know how to stop it. I don't need it, nor want it. It's killing me. It's ruining the reaal me... and I don't even know the real me anymore. I am the angry, jealous, depressed... thing. And trust me, that's not me.

There's something I call "ticks." Those things trigger the emotional me to come into view. One of the ticks is something like... Like, on Gmail chat, when Amy (My dad's new wife) told me my parents weren't talking. Ohhhh man, you should've seen it. I went CRAZY. I said things like "Why?! What do they have against eachother?!" And when Amy told me my dad said no to having a picnic, I said things like, "What is up with him?! This is his one and only chance for him to see his own daughters and he just says NO?!"

I just... don't know. I just don't know. I'm stumped, lost, and well, confused. I don't even know what's going on with myself and that makes me feel dumb. But I know I shouldn't, 'cause no one else knows either. So... I'm just going to leave it. If anyone is at all interested, they can come and tell me what they think it is.

What is Bipolar Disorder?