Killing Mom

Haley finished writing her ninth poem of the day and flopped down on her bed. She stared through the barred window and sighed, then hid her pencil under her pillow. On the Adolescent floor of Crane Hospital, patients weren’t allowed to have pens or pencils in their rooms; the ever-creative patients might use them to hurt themselves. Haley knew this rule. She’d broken this same rule at all the hospitals she’d been in.1

This hospital was hospital number nine for fifteen year old Haley. She knew she was at the end of the line. Soon Haley to be forced to live in a residential treatment program for troubled kids. Residential was the last place she wanted to go. Every time Haley got out of a hospital, she’d promise herself that it would be the last one. Things would go well for a while, but then would come the relapse and an ambulance, and back to the hospital she’d go. With each hospitalization, Haley felt more and more defeated. It got harder and harder for her to imagine herself achieving her dreams.2

“You’re going to end up killing yourself one of these days,” the doctor at the emergency room had told her the day before. “You can’t just keep treating your body like this and expect to live to age eighty.”3

Haley had nodded sadly. She knew. It was getting harder and harder for her to imagine herself as an adult. She could barely imagine herself in a year. It scared her.4

“I know you’ll get better,” her dad had told her last year before he died. “I just know it.” Haley wanted to believe her dad so badly, but with each passing overdose, each lost pound, each passing cut, it was getting harder and harder to believe.5

Haley slid herself under the antiseptic scented blankets and tried to block all thought out of her head. Some days she just wished she could sleep forever. Today was one of those days.6

Just as Haley’s eyes were about to drift shut, she heard the sound of rattling keys coming down the hall, and then a voice calling her name.7

“Haley, Haley, the doctor wants to see you.”8

Haley mumbled something unintelligible. And slowly sat up, clearing the sleep from her mind. One of the Mental Health Workers on the unit was standing there.9

“All right.” She whispered in her quiet voice as she rolled out of bed and pulled her slippers on. Haley would much rather have worn her sneakers except they’d been taken away when she had been admitted. Because Haley was a run away she was on “Escape Precautions”, which meant she couldn’t go off the unit at all for activities, and she couldn’t have her shoes, or clothes either. Instead she’d been given a hospital gown to wrap around herself. Because of Haley’s small size, the gown fell all the way to her ankles, and was a pain because she kept tripping on it as she walked down the hall toward the meeting room where she’d meet with the doctor.10

“Which doctor do I have?” Haley asked the Mental Health worker whose name-tag read Kim.11

“Dr. Fowler, he’s new.”12

Just my luck. Haley thought to herself. I’m going to get a new doctor fresh out of residency, who has no idea what he’s doing. 13

When they stopped at the door to the meeting room, Haley crossed her fingers and prayed that he wouldn’t be a total idiot or someone who’d try to pigeon hole her into some ridiculous diagnosis that didn’t fit. Haley was a complicated girl and had been diagnosed with almost every diagnosis under the sun, and she knew the hell she could be put through while being treated for a disorder that she didn’t have.14

Kim knocked on the door.15

“Come on in,” called a male voice.16

Darn it, thought Haley, it has to be a man. Haley was much more comfortable around women then men. Maybe it was because of the five years of sexual abuse she’d endured; maybe it was just her personality. She wasn’t sure. All she knew was that women made her much more comfortable.17

Slowly she entered the room, looking around, sizing it up. Dr. Fowler was older then she’d expected, he was probably somewhere in his mid forties. His hair was just barely graying. He wore a shirt and tie and had an average looking clean shaven face, with a neck maybe a bit thicker then average. There were a couple chairs and a white leather couch. Haley hated leather. She hated anything that had to do with hurting animals. 18

There were the bookshelves filled with books titled, “Helping the At Risk Teen.” And “The Explosive Child.” Then there were the diplomas; his was from Tufts University. All in all, his office looked like every other shrink’s office she’d been in, and she’d been in plenty.19

“Have a seat anywhere you like,” Dr. Fowler told her. Haley sat in one of the chairs, carefully avoiding the leather couch.20

“So Haley, my name is Dr. Fowler, and I’ll be your psychiatrist during your stay here.”21

During her stay, he made it sound like she was at some resort hotel or something, not just the loony bin.22

Haley almost laughed but held it back. She knew if she did laugh, he’d make a mark in her chart, something along the lines of, “patient presents with strange affect and tone.”23

“What are you thinking about?” asked Dr. Fowler. “You seem to be deep in thought.”24

“Just spacing out,” Haley told him.25

“So can you tell me why you’re in the hospital?” he asked her.26

This was a trick that they played on you. Haley knew that. They always knew why she was there; it would be written in her thick file that Haley could see sitting on the doctor’s desk.27

“Well?” Repeated Dr. Fowler.28

“Because I ran away and stopped taking my meds and was a safety risk to myself,” Haley whispered in a barely audible voice. 29

She hardly thought it was fair for them to call what she did “running away from home”. It would be more accurate to say that home ran away from her.30

“Why did you stop taking your meds?” asked Dr. Fowler. “From all the reports I’ve read, it sounds like you’re a very smart girl, so why would you want to stop taking medications that you know you need?”31

“I didn’t have a choice,” Haley explained in that quiet voice of hers. “Mom...” Her voice broke after the word mom. 32

The memories of her mother were too raw and painful to explore. They were like open wounds just waiting to be infected, but Haley knew that she had to explain what really happened, or the hospital staff would just make up their own theories. Taking a deep breath Haley tried to continue.33

“I didn’t have a chance to stop at home, and besides, mom always kept the pills locked up. I didn’t know the combination for the lock, so when I left I couldn’t take them with me.”34

“Weren’t you worried about leaving with out your medications? Didn’t you realize you would run into problems?”35

“I wasn’t thinking about it at the time. I wasn’t thinking about anything at that time.” Haley explained with a slight, barely detectable note of anger in her voice. Haley thought back to the day her latest drama had all started. 36

It had started out like any old day. Haley’s mom had woken her up at seven fifteen, she’d gotten dressed, eaten breakfast, and taken her pills. Her mom had dropped her off at her therapeutic day school at eight thirty. She’d gone through the metal detector and had been searched, then went to classes. 37

English class passed quickly, so did math, and social studies. It was when science class came around that Haley began to have difficulties. One of the other students, James, was having a hard time. Haley tried concentrating on the periodic table in front of her, but James’s screams broke through. Haley could hear staff running down the hall, and she knew that meant James was getting violent and needed to be restrained. 38

Suddenly it felt like Haley was no longer in the classroom, but back at the hospital. James’s screams merged in her mind, and became her screams. Haley could feel hands all over her, trying to pin her down on the floor. It felt so real she could almost smell the horrible hospital smell, she could almost hear the voices of past hospital staff talking to her, then suddenly she was back in the classroom. She was standing up in the middle of the room, an overturned desk in front of her, the other kids were staring at her, then looked away when she met their gaze. The teacher was at her side.39

“Are you all right?” asked Ms. Molly, the teacher. 40

Haley tried to talk, but was too frightened, the flashback still vivid in her mind. Her muscles had been so tense that now they were all quivering and she was vibrating like a wind up toy. Once again she’d lost control of herself. Tears were beginning to fall down her face. She was so fed up with the person she’d become, this person who couldn’t control her own behavior. The tears turned into sobs.41

Haley barely noticed when the Jenny the school therapist came into the room and put her arm around her.42

“Let’s go into my office for a bit,” Jenny suggested. Softly, she led Haley down the hall and into her office.43

“What can we do right now to help you feel better?” asked Jenny.44

Haley just shrugged, ghosts of feelings from the past were still rushing through her, giving her the sensation of being in two worlds at once.45

“Do you want to listen to some calming music?” asked Jenny. When Haley didn’t respond she turned the music on anyway.46

Haley kept trying to fight her tears away and gain control, but she was being flooded by so many emotions at once that she just couldn’t stop crying. Jenny continued trying to distract and calm down Haley, but it was to no avail. Finally Jenny asked Haley, “Do you want me to have your mom pick you up?”47

Haley nodded through her tears.48

Outside the snow was coming down in huge flakes, the roads were iced over and slippery, and not all the streets had been plowed, but Haley’s mother didn’t even really noticed. She was too worried about Haley to be bothered by anything else. It had seemed to 49

Haley’s mom that Haley was slipping away, making herself throw up again after meals, and was losing weight, that was never a good sign.50

On the drive home Haley’s mom kept glancing over at Haley, who was unnaturally quiet and looking very depressed.51

“What’s wrong?” she’d asked.52

Haley had shrugged, “I don’t know,” she moaned. “Just stop bothering me about it. I’m upset. Okay?”53

Just then Haley’s mom saw the truck coming and realized she’d breezed right through a red light. Haley with her head in her hands and eyes closed saw nothing, all she heard was her mother’s sharp intake of breath. In that instant she looked up, there was the squeal of the wheels as her mom desperately tried to brake, and then the loud sound of metal crunching against metal. 54

The car spun around in a rapid circle and the glass on the window of the driver’s side came flying into the car slicing into both Haley and her mom. The car spun again, and then tilted on its left slide. Haley’s mom’s door broke clean off, without her seat belt fastened, she was ejected from the car onto the middle of the road. Haley who’d been wearing her seatbelt was pinned in her seat by a pile of twisted metal that used to be the front of their car, and the back of the truck.55

Haley felt the sharp pieces embedded in her skin, but that didn’t scare her. She was used to pain, both physical and emotional. What scared her was the silence that came after she called out for her mom.56

“Mom!” she screamed. “Mom, where are you? Are you all right? Mom? Mom, please, answer me!”57

There was silence.58

Haley continued shrieking for her mom until her throat felt raw and stung. She tried to move her legs and get out of the car, but she was pinned firmly to the seat. There were jolts of pain as she tried to move her legs.59

A large mustached man came up to her window.60

“There are firemen on the way,” he told her, “They’ll get you right out of there, in the mean time don’t move around.”61

Haley was too scared for her mom to even wonder who the man was.62

“Where’s my mom?” she asked frantically. “Is she all right?”63

The man looked away for a moment, then simply repeated himself. 64

“They’ll get you out of there real soon.”65

It was then that Haley knew the truth. She knew that the last words her mom would ever hear, were “don’t bother me about it, okay?” Haley’s cries turned into shrill screams. She was so loud that she didn’t even hear the sirens as the ambulance, fire truck, and police cars approached.66

“Mom! I’m sorry, I love you,” Haley was howling. “Don’t die. Don’t die, don’t leave me.”67

A paramedic leaned through her window and slid a blood pressure cuff on her arm, an oxygen monitor on her finger, and a cervical collar round her neck.68

“Don’t try to move at all,” he instructed her. “Just stay very still and the fire fighters will have you out in no time.”69

“No,” Haley, cried. “Take care of my mom first. Please, don’t let her die.” Even as Haley spoke the words, she knew in her heart it was too late.70

“There are other people here taking care of her,” promised the paramedic.71

“Is she all right? Where is she? Is she going to be okay?”72

“We’ll talk about that later. Right now I need to focus on helping you.”73

“No,” Haley’s normally quiet voice came out stronger then it ever had before. “Tell me how my mom is now.”74

The paramedic at Haley’s window looked over at the officers standing behind him. They exchanged a long look. Finally the paramedic spoke.75

“Your mom wasn’t wearing a seatbelt. She was thrown out of the car and into the road, she had extensive injuries to her head and chest...” his voice trailed off.76

“And,” Haley demanded.77

“And I’m afraid she went into shock and cardiac arrest before we got here. She didn’t make it. She was killed instantly, but I don’t think she was in much pain.”78

Haley froze. She’d known it since the mustached man had spoken to her, but hearing it said out loud in those cold words just drove the truth in further. 79

The whole time the fire fighters had worked to free her, all she could do was replay her last words to her mother, over and over in her head.80

“Don’t bother me about it, okay.” The words were like iron weights repeatedly dropping on her dragging her deeper and deeper towards her final realization that the whole accident had been her fault. 81

It was her fault on more then just one level too. If she hadn’t had trouble in school, her mom wouldn’t have had to drive in the bad weather conditions. If she had made sure her mom was wearing a seat belt, they’d both have been okay. If she hadn’t been crying her mom wouldn’t have been distracted. If she’d been nicer to her mom, her mom wouldn’t have been so emotional, and would have seen the red light and stopped. She’d killed her mom.82

Haley Kline was a murderer, who’d killed her own mother.83

“Everyone’s always thinking about something,” Dr. Fowler was saying to her.84

Haley brought her mind back to the present.85

“Sometimes I have to just turn my brain off though,” Haley attempted to explain. “If you’ve just murdered your mom, the only thing left to do is shut down and go numb.”86

“If you what?” asked Dr. Fowler. “I couldn’t hear you.”87

“If you were as guilty as me.”88

“I don’t understand, what are you guilty of?” he asked 89

confused.90

“Murder.” Whispered Haley grimly. “I’m guilty of murder.”91