With the closing of another day,I sit in the open air and ponder past scars. Ones that I truly had thought were starting to heal. I was so wrong. Young and starting to spread my wings, I thought the world was full of endless possibilities. Everyone I met would be called " friend", all that simply led into the beginning of a endless river of falsifications simply called life.1
Soon I learned that people would enter my life, just to take what they need, then would go their own way of life,leaving me with my head in my hands crying and simply asking why. Wide-eyed and tears streaming down my face, I never could find the answers to these questions.2
Growing older I thought that possibly it all might change. I was again, so incredibly wrong. From grade school to middle school a slew of preps, jocks, and so many clicks, I did not know where i was really to fit in at, if anywhere. So again off I go in the mighty search for friends. With my long chocolate hair, trying so hard t look pretty, in hopes that a guy, any guy might notice me, or perhaps I might actually make a friend.3
I kept trying t make the ugly duckling the incredible swan princess. Looking back now, i think I would have been better off having the magic mirror from Snow White grace my room and tell me the honesty I needed to know...I was actually the wicked queen.4
My clothes were not brand, my hair was so not the right style, therefore I was casted straight out of that social circle.With heavy heart, I became invisible from the rest of the world. Many did I admire from afar, yet never would talk to them for the fear of total rejection. Years went by and just more of the same kept happening.5
Mind games now become even harsher. Now it was time for high school...oh joy. Endless games of lets see just how far we can bend her spirit..she don't care she is just the fat kid who is really desperate for friends. Lets have the hottest guy in school go talk to her, make her feel like she is something, just to use her then throw her away. Into the realms of darkness is where I found the most comfort. Fighting guys, fist to fist, obtaining the nickname Killer. Dating guys, finally, out of the school setting, guy that were older and understood me. Accepted me for me. Then very quickly I learned people were only out for themselves and really did not give a damn bout anyone else.6
Now I am grown, married for 11 years and a mother of 4 very active boys. Still I go through the hell of being the fat kid that will forever be ugly, never amounting anything. Not deserving of love....this is what I see when I look in the mirror anyways. My children come home with some of the same torments i endured as a child...I got to bed at night crying for I know that pain all to well. Now the 4 joys of my life are going through that same hell. 7
Just remember this glimpse into my life as I have sat here reflecting for you to see. The next time a wicked word comes out of your mouth or is thought in your mind, remember me and what I have told you. Look at some of my scars. This is what happens after years of torment, they only lead to uneasy reflections.8
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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i can empathize with this but in the uk there is not the same pressure to be popular
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I know what you are saying here. I was not any of these things more of a self induced loner. My friends were from ever different group in school I liked them for who they were not what they wore or said but who they actually were. I know you well enough to know that you are not just some fat kid you are one of the most amazing people that I know and if your kids get 1/2 of that from you they will grow to be amazing also.
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Wow...right now, that's all I can say...wow...wow...wow! How can anyone be cruel to another before even considering there heart? What I've learned, and from no first-hand experience but actually watching the girls, is that all the people that want to be in the 'in crowd' and that are in 'in crowd' only care about bringing others down to cover up their own petty insecurities. So, being in the 'out crowd' may cause you some torment by those in the 'in crowd' but it's better to be someone picked on than to pick others yourselves just to please people who claim they're your friends. Anyway...wow...wow...wow...
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As a young child, I was extremely introverted, so the kids called me stupid. I was very intelligent, just couldn't bring myself to deal with people, especially crowds(classrooms). In 9th grade I was tested and had an IQ of 136. That's above normal, stupid? No boast just fact,forI only boast in the glory of the Lord. Those handfuls of disrespectful children, with no home training didn't make me dispise all children, just children like them. Kids can be cruel creatures. I took to writing at an early age to vent my feelings. I am grateful, to this day, for the "gift". The ability to freely write my feelings, and then go back and read them gives me great release. YOU my friend have the "gift" as well. Never stop using it for healing. This is a wonderfully descriptive, and moving story.
Beleieve it or not, your children will be the benefactors of your life experiences. You will see them through. Be blessed and go foward. EXCELLENT!
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Sad
Its powerful and very emotional. Sorry I am really lost for words here. -
i hope so too sissy. we are alot alike i love you emensly. i never want to lose you
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Hopes you and I do get to sit down one day and just talk...seems we have more in common then we both thought.
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Oh OFT my dear it seems and feels like we are more akin than I first thought! This piece really REALLY hits home with ME as I too was and still am the fluffy plump one! I too went through A LOT of hell in High School and had many MANY moments; more than I care to remenisce, of crying and begging a deaf diety above to please let the beauty queen in me come out...which of course never did EVER happen! BUT, hey you know what YES I AM PLUS SIZED AND NOW VERY PROUD and to those who do NOT like it well then look the F away and if they can't deal with it BFD I don't care because I am ME...all natural the way I was born and always will be...I am not a walking compromise of vanity spewing tons of money on such looking to find self worth!!!!
Woops am getting off path here. I really 100% enjoyed this write. THANK YOU IMMENSELY FOR SHARING THIS WONDERFUL EMOTIONAL AND THOUGHTFUL INSPIRATIONAL FOR ME OUTPOURING! HUGS HUGS HUGS
~Nikki~ -
I too was the fat kid..the geek..what have youI also stuttered....in grade school I was the class clown just to get other kids to like mebut soon found that I was the joke not the joker...in middle school I became a fighter spent more time in detention than in class..then in high school I learned the power of being a daeler but that led to trouble and no one was truly my friend...so I know where this comes from..
Roger Aka DSG -
oh my god. I'm never gonna be mean again!!!!!!! this is just so sad. yet it really shows a lot about human nature. the meaness and the resilience. you really showed the pain and viciousness in this one. great job on this.
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speachless at the moment ill come back to this one....
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I do understand what you are trying to tell us and I am very sorry that your children are now going through the same thing. As a mother it has to break your heart all over again. But it would seem to me that at least for yourself you need to learn that people can only make us feel as bad as we let them and give them permission. I can only say that you owe it to your children to find your own selfesteem , so you can teach them how to have their own, or this cycle will repeat itself over and over again . It is a real shame that the world is so cruel, especially kids ....but I do not think that will ever change . We learn what we are taught , and it seems to me as if you are teaching your children to keep the same low selfesteem that you have. I do not mean this to be a cruel comment , but the buck has to stop somewhere , and in a case such as this it has to stop with you.....you must accept and learn to love yourself the way you are as not to project to others that you feel so bad about yourself. It is not what is outside that counts , but after reading this , it sounds as if that is what you are believing. And if you really cannot accept yourself the way you were and are , maybe you could benefit from a support group , go out , make true friends (they do exist)for hiding from the world will only make you feel worse about yourself. I wish you the best in this pursuit of letting go of the old and looking at yourself in a different light , for your sake and that of your children,
Reenie
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Oh this was remarkable. Very sad, but also very realistic.
I have a few suggestions, mostly grammar/spelling. The title should be: "Uneasy Reflections - A Glimpse Into My Life"
"From grade school to middle school a slew of preps, jocks, and so many clicks" Here, think you meant 'cliques'.
It's so sad what kids do to each other. I'm in high school now and I really hope I don't go through all this...I'm already labeled as sort of a nerd but we'll see what happens...
-morgana
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excellent
It is painful what kids will do to each other. A lot of it comes from what parents teach them, and some is just the meaness of childhood dealing with the unknown.
I stuttered a lot as a child, and was not until they discovered I had a genetic nervous disorder, that they were able to help me. I grew up with a lot of insults, and some from the teachers about my speach.
Although I have done a lot with my hands, it is getting much harder now, and I still get comments from childish adults.
Well spoken although I still think this was a bit harsh on yourself.
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