Rain fell among the cold, cement surface around and on his even colder body. No breathing, no heartbeat, no soul... this man was just another object of the world, with no one to love, to hate, or to talk to... His eyes were half open, as if he were about to wake from a peaceful night's slumber, but it was not so. Brown wisps of his tangled hair lay in all directions from his head, as if he'd been tossing and turning in the night. This man would never again wake, she realized, but she couldn't help but stare, hoping, in vain, for some sort of sudden movement and return from death.
She hated her job, sometimes. But she was the only one to do it; she was the only one who could tell what kind of death he had suffered. That's why they'd hired her. Her skill in private investigation. Had it been a murder? Had he thrown himself willingly out of his own apartment window? Had it been an accident? The others could not solve this mystery. She wondered again why she'd chosen this job. It could not be the only thing she was good at. Nonetheless, even if she would probably quit at some point, she had promised herself to go through with this assignment.
This case was not one of the bad ones. There was no blood surrounding him or on him, amazingly, which showed that this was less likely a murder. She went inside the apartment building that was his, three stories above ground. The balcony had had no residue that was suspicious when they had tested it. Just his sweat, was all. That could have meant anything. There were no items left on the balcony. She looked around the living room, noticing that he had been a very neat man. Every chair was pushed in, no trash was discarded anywhere but the trash can, and everything seemed to be in its place. Examining the bathroom, she found nothing else of interest. Finally, the bedroom. Would this be the key?
Everything was neat here as well, except… there was an unopened envelope on the bed. In big, cursive red lettering it simply read 'Charlotte'. She knew then that this was a suicide, but she had to read it to make sure. It could have contained valuable information about the suicide. Opening it carefully, she read the letter.
Dearest Charlotte,
I wish I could have been with you when it happened. I can't bear to be without you. You held my heart in hand, my eagerness to obey at a snap, and, even though it is odd, I cannot live any longer without it. You were my lover, or at least I thought as much. You've used me, degraded me, and made me hate you at times. But I cannot live alone, without you and your beautiful cruelty. It's simply impossible.
My life without you is empty, like a soulless mission to nowhere. When you were here it was exciting and scary, like a thrill ride that made me confused but happy at the same time. I suppose all thrill rides must come to their end, though. And much too soon that is!
And so, as I sit here writing to you, I have already made my decision. I will die as well. I will join you in your hell, trying to give you what you need as best I can. Your suffering is my suffering, and I hear you calling to me much too often to ignore any longer. I'm coming to join you soon, my love, I promise.
Yours Forever,
Dareth
"It was a suicide," she declared to her assistants, giving one the letter and walking out the door. The door that would lead to that nowhere, that emptiness that he had taken for granted. Sometimes it was bliss to be alone and at one's own will. She would never be anyone's slave but her own, for she had decided this long ago, even before faking her death and changing lives.
Charlotte walked down the dreary and cold September night streets, knowing that she was, once again, truly alone.
Author notes
This was one of the only times I was inspired to write about a depressing death. I hope you liked it.
A contest entry
- OPTIONS OPTIONS AND MORE OPTIONS by RedHearts.
400 points, ended October 13, 2007, 19 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Twist Endings by Vixen7.
150 points, ended March 9, 2008, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Was this interesting to you? Please tell me.
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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A very well written story that flowed throughout. I really enjoyed this one. well done.
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You have great writing skills! There were no grammer or spelling errors; only a few punctuation errors, but they can easily be overlooked. Great Job! P.S If you add more imagery to the surroundings, it will make your characters' personalities stand out more.
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Your opening caught my attention; the description held it. This alone accomplishes a goal.
A few notes as I go: Feel "among" not the best word to use in the first sentence. That is usually reserved for a number of things.
"lay in all directions from his head" Very descriptive yet seems a bit jumbled. (To me.)
"She hated her job, sometimes." Suggest a pause between "job" and "sometimes." (job---sometimes).
To make the letter a bit more realistic, possibly change writing style? He could have very proper, or bad grammar; bad spelling, etc.
Remember, these are only suggestions and from my viewpoint.
Fantastic ending! What a surprise twist to have her reading the letter addressed to herself. It makes you wonder what was going on inside. Pain? Nothing?
Thanks for a great read.
Jim
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This is a very good story. It kept my attention, wanting to know what was going to happen next. The only thing I noticed was the " among" in the beginning and the sentence " And much too soon that is!"
Maybe something like~ They all seem ot end much too soon. Even if they do end much too soon.
But it is a awesome story, great job!
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yes it was interesting...
I was so touched by this that I actully am crying...You are an amazing authour...How beautiful! I really have tears in my eyes and my nose in sniffing...Keep it up!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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woah. this was really interesting. I love the way you said "Rain fell among the cold, cement surface around and on his even colder body." A nice use of words. you know how to describe well. If I may make a suggestion, I think you should etend it a little bit. To make it a little more explanitory. I liked the way you used your descriptive imagination. you could maybe explain how she got her job, and maybe explain a little why she took the job. ANywho, you made a great peice, keep up the good work. Anyway, with love from your dear friend,
Evalyn. -
I like your description of Dareth's body at the beginning, and I loved the plot twist at the end. I was honestly not expecting that!
A few things:
"Rain fell among the cold, cement surface around and on his even colder body." I thought the word "among" was awkward - among implies multiple things. Rain falls among rows of crops or among lawn furniture, but not so much cement.
Although that may just be opinion, I think the second paragraph is a little choppy.
"She knew then that this was a suicide, but she had to read it to make sure. It could have contained valuable information about the suicide." The second statement seemed a little obvious, maybe try something like: "She knew then that this was a suicide, and the letter would only confirm it." That says not only that the letter would tell her yes, it was a suicide, but also imply that there was additional information about it within.
"When you were here it was exciting and scary, like a thrill ride that made me confused but happy at the same time. I suppose all thrill rides must come to their end, though. And much too soon that is!" I think simply saying that it was like a thrill ride would've been stronger than using two sets of contradicting emotions plus a simile. Also, I think you might've had a phrase mix up in the last sentence. "much too soon that is" doesn't really make sense. Did you mean "at that" or something else to that effect?
All in all an excellent story, and interesting, too. Particularly since you leave us to conlude on our own the reason for her leaving. [:
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Ah, another person that's smarter than me. Thanks for your input. I couldn't think of a better word than among.. hmm, maybe along? Eh. Sorry for the choppy one. I have a tendancy to have at least one of those in each of my stories. There was additional information, and that is why I phrased it like that. The additional information is the reason the suicide came to being. Why did he kill himself? Was there memories triggering him to do so? The answer: He killed himself because of the memories of his supposedly dead Charlotte, whom to which he had been very loyal to. She wouldn't have known all of that. Sure, he was her slave and she probably knew he was loyal, but he could've started a whole new life, as she had, and had different conflicts to make him do so.
The thrill ride is a bit confusing, so let me clarify: he's talking about his relationship ending with her since she is supposedly dead. He thinks that it was too soon to end because he loved her so deeply. So: And much too soon that is!= It was much too soon for our "thrill ride" to end.
If anything I said didn't make sense, please tell me, for I know that I can be one of the most confusing people around at times.
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Great story, great twist! The description of the scene and the body was terrific in the beginning. Very interesting read!
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That was brilliantly put. I especially liked the first couple of paragraphs where it described everything. That letter was really sad too.
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I forgot to mention something else . I loved the title you gave to it .
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I liked your description of his dead body in the starting lines , and I loved the letter he left behind . The end was quite interesting . Great!
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Thanks! He was my favorite character to make in this story. I didn't like the title as you have, though, it was just the first thing that I could come up with. ^-^; Thank you for commenting!
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Hey, this was good, I liked the way it ended, but some questions remain unanswered as to why she had to change her identity. But good job!
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Her old life is up to the reader to decide based on what they've gathered of her having a slave. Thanks for commenting!
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