I Remember

I remember
I remember that day,
So cold and cruel.
The day that took you away.1

I remember your eyes,
So lifeless and brown.
I remember your lips,
No longer uttering a sound.2

I remember your hands,
As always, so slim.
I remember your face,
Very peaceful yet grim.3

I remember your limbs,
So gruesomly shattered.
I remember your clothes,
All bloody and tattered.4

I remember no more
As I commit my last sin.
Taking my final breath, I think,
"I will see you again."

Author notes

So, what did you think? I'm kind of nervous because I don't really do poetry that much.

This is in the point of view of a person who has had someone they love commit suicide and then they did the same thing.

Oh, and a special thanks to my mom who helped with some of the rhyming.


Candy-What-cha-ma-call-it. It is a candy bar. I swear.
Band-.....Hmmm...Top 5 are: Dresden Dolls, Coheed and Cambria, Nightwish, Within Temptation, and Imogen Heap.
Book- Top 3 are: The Cask of Amitillado(sp?) Alice in Wonderland, and Peter Pan

A contest entry

I love constructive critiscism so critisize away!

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Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • heartfullofvenom
    February 9, 2008

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    Very good,

    I did love the rhyming( tell your mom she did a good job helping). And I loved the twist at the end.

    Don't be nervous... it sounded very natural.

    Good Luck!
    ♥


  • Melissa Loves Jeffy
    December 15, 2007

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    Very sad. So the message im getting is he commited suicide and then you followed him in the sin. This stuff happened so often. When people do it they don't realize how many others they will hurt. Like in one of my poem...quote..By killing one you have killed two...This can mean that if you commit suiccide some of your friends might follow. I kno your not. Im just giving my opinion. Great write you talented artist u.


    • Girl Anachronism
      December 16, 2007
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      It is rather sad and dark but it's true. I think sometimes people get trapped with everything and think dying is the only way out and they're so overwhelmed with emotion they're not really thinking of what it does to the people who love them.

      But thanks for the comment.


  • Chibi-chan
    October 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I remember no more
    As I commit my last sin.
    Taking my final breath, I think,
    "I will see you again."


    Wow- rather dark. Sounds like something Romeo and Juliet might have cowritten. XD

    Well done!


  • DYerMaker16
    October 18, 2007

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    this was really good. I don't have much to criticize because I'm new to the poetry thing too. This was really good, as I have said, because I know it's hard to rhyme. I got the theme; a Romeo and Juliet in a way. Good job and good luck!


    • Girl Anachronism
      October 18, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks for reviewing

      I'm glad you liked it. My mom helped with the rhyiming a little so I can't take all the credit, but thanks.

  • xxbri
    October 6, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Wow, this is really good, tells a good story.
    Whenever I read a story that rhymes I automatically think of dcotor seuss, so rhyming poems don't usually set the right mood for me, I usually giggle no matter what. But even with the rhyming I could feel this poem. I still thought of doctor seuss, but that will be inevitable for me
    Keep up the poems, they're great!


  • silent dances
    October 4, 2007

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    shut up!!! your awsome at peotry. that was really good!!! man your good at writing!!! I wish I was able to write wonderfully, yet gruesommly real thing like you!!! I can only write fantasy!

1 - 11 of 11