Still Lingering...

So I am back again. I should be at work. I need the money. I am greatful I have such a flexible boss. I don't get fired for being off too much but I don't get paid either.

I live as I live day to day with 4 other room mates.

Sometimes I wonder if I shoud just leave.

But I can't run away from all of my problems.

Yet they are still human I know that I am not going to be welcome for much longer.

Yet again. I need money. I need to get out somewhere. I don't even care if I have to sleep in the homeless shelters. It will be away from here.

I have my best friend here. Yet my best friend's boyfriend hates me. To an extent. He's a nice person in general. Yet... I'm still an intruder, it's human nature.

Oddly enough I'm living with an ex-girlfriend too. We decided to stay friends. Yet sometimes you know she just wants to ask me about things i would ranter not bring up or talk about. The atmosphere of the place is supressing and suffocating all of us.

I need to learn how to move on with this and get my mind around the fact that I am indeed here and will remain here. I refuse to let myself be pulled down again by the seductive thoughts of the easy way out. Otherwise known as suicide.

There has to be a reason to live. To prove other people wrong that I do deserve life that I am worth more than dirt. That I can accomplish something in this world.

It's hard to keep thinking positive. Everyone sinks into the negative sometimes. Yet I can't escape the fact that my negatives are lower than most.

I can't seem to open my eyes wide enough to see that I am surrounded by people that care. Yet in my constant denial of existence I keep hurting people.

I'm still a very selfish person... I don't want other people in my life or to be dragged down. Yet I want people to look at me and say hey that person is worth getting to know. Wow that person made a difference in my life or day or hour or minute even.

I can't even talk much further. I guess it's just a rant. I will have another story up soon under a different category with much more, almost too much, detail.