Jackie was lying on the floor crying. Her little dress was soaked with dirt, blood and sweat. Her sobs were getting softer and softer. Finally you couldn't hear any sound coming from her anymore. Next to her, little Johny was playing with his toy car. He made this little annoying "vroom vroom" sound everytime he would move his toy. It looked like he didn't even notice Jackie at first, even though they were in the same room, on the same floor, even on the same carpet. Suddenly Johnny stopped playing with his car and said quietly:1
"Stop crying Jackie, he's not here anymore, we will run away, we will be free. Far away from him. Just don't cry anymore, I promise everything will be alright." Jackie sat up and used the torn piece of her dress as a tissue to clean up her face from tears and blood from underneath which you could see both old and new bruises.2
"But Johnny, when will we run away? You were saying this forever now. And where will we go to? We have no place to run away to, except for with daddy..." Johnny turned his back to Jackie pretending to look for his teddy bear while in reality he was trying to hide how worried he was.3
"I already know where we will go to. We will go to our real daddy, the one mommy told us about, remember? The good one? We can run away tonight." Johnny seemed to be even more worried now.4
"But how? Daddy won't let us run away, and how are we gonna find our real daddy?" A tear went down Jackie's cheek.5
"Just trust me, I know how to make daddy take us to our real Daddy, he will take us tonight, and mommy is there too. So even if we won't recognize real Daddy, mommy will show him to us." Little Johnny came up to Jackie and hugged her, then gave her his teddy bear.6
"But what if daddy won't take us to the real daddy?" Jackie asked looking at the little brown bear.7
"Of course he will, but he might be angry at first..." Johnny looked at the ground and added softly "Do you think you could endure a little bit more pain?" He looked kindly at his little sister.8
"Yeah, I kind of got used to the pain" Said Jackie without taking her eyes off the teddy bear.9
"Good, after that you will never have to feel pain again, I promise" Said Johnny as he tried to hide a little tear coming down his cheek.10
Suddenly both kids went silent as they heard footsteps coming from outside the room. As the sound of the footsteps was geting lounder kids were getting even more scared.11
"Let's go now, Jackie." Said Johnny as he turned towards opening door.12
From the darkness came out a dark man, around 5 and a half feet tall, with an unshaved beard and yellow teeth.13
"Stupid kids, stop being so damn loud, can't you shut up for a second?" The man said almost whispering.14
"Jackie, cover your ears for a second, I will make sure he'll take us to our real daddy now, ok?" whispered Johnny. Jackie nodded and obediently covered her ears.15
"How about you will shut up instead, and maybe take a shower, you retard!" shouted Johnny while walking up closer to the man.16
"And maybe you should be more obediant if you want to live!" Answered the man.17
"Or else what? You're gonna beat us up saying that it's our fault, and that mom died because of us? Let me tell you something mister, until now I didn't say anything, I would just listen as you'd insult us and I would pretend to not see Jackie's bruises. But guess what, now it's over! I'm 10 years old and I won't let you do whatever you want with us! What you're doing is wrong and you're gonna get punished!" Johnny said with bravery in his eyes.18
"Oh yeah? Maybe I'm telling you that it's your fault because it is?" He hit the boy once "Maybe you really did kill your mom?" This time he hit Jackie "Maybe both of you deserve to die?" He couldn't even control himself anymore. One hit after another and there was more and more blood. Kids ended up laying next to each other on the floor. Johnny struggled to whisper into Jackie's ear, who was already closing her eyes:19
"We're going to our real daddy now." and the man kept on kicking and hitting the bodies of the children who were already on their way to their real daddy.
Author notes
My fav movie? Um, I would say butterfly effect or Good Luck Chuck, I can't really decide, both are really good
A contest entry
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Well, what do you think?
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I'm going to comment on this on two seperate aspects: the story and emotional content, and the delivery.
The story is wonderful. It's touching, it's bittersweet and it's heartbreaking all in one. In that aspect it's beautiful.
However, the delivery ruins it. You have a lot of spelling/grammar mistakes, and a couple of poor word choices, that makes it difficult to read. You would think that spelling and grammar don't have too much of an effect, but everytime I have to stop and go "that's spelled wrong" or "that punctuation is in the wrong place", I take my focus away from the story and full impact is lessened.
Go through this again and read it outloud. Fix the mistakes. Wait a week, and do it again. Once that's taken care of, you'll have a really once-in-a-lifetime story. -
hey that was good but please change the background colour it's a bit difficult to read the text
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wow.. that is all i can say... wow
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oh wow... this is so... everything lol. i dont even know what to say... im crying now you meanie lol.
very well done... -
ok incept spell check and grammer
1 - 5 of 5


