Picture if you will two teenage boys coming home from a hike in the hills. Decide to take a trail that will bring them down behind an old abandoned house that sits on the road. The road has a convenience store. But anyway they won't make it to the convenience store. Jason's dad disappeared three weeks prior to this and they are about to find him hanging from a rope on back porch of this house. The expression on my friend's face haunts me. He just kept looking up saying "dad"! Birds have eaten the man's eyes! I felt unreal.1
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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Wow, thats a good write.... i feel bad for the boys tho
Didnt birds eat out one of the robbers that hung on the cross beside Jesus?
-Karen Sue-
Romans 8:28 -
Very eerie and haunting, you definitely did well. However I had problems with the they/we thing. Good luck in the contest.
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expectingloss, now i have a small glimpse into your name, i am sorry this is a true experience. sorry that you had to witness that, and that your friend lost his father. this has increadible emotion in it, nothing void about it at all.
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my friend this actualy hapend to me my past is kind of drammatic this way i have many things i could say but do not often talk about and when i do its often void of emotion
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It seems kind of like a collection of ideas, rather than a story. A collection of good ideas, though. I think you should forget the contest and write this again as a more elaborate story. It would be awesome. Horror stories need time to be elaborated. Also, you have a few fragments here and there, you might want to consider revising it a little. Tell me if you do re-write it though, I'd love to read it.
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SICK man but great i love this
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Hee, this is why I used Microsoft Word AND counted by hand and made sure they agreed. I do think it would be more effective if you used complete sentences and still had 100 words... the fragments kind of make it feel like a shortcut, which subtracts from the impact.
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OK wow. You definitely made the most of your 10o words here. and I like the Rod Serling type opening... "Picture if you will..."
Nice job
Susan -
Oh my! This was way, way visual for my delicate tummy. I hste stuff like this because it's so good that I will be picturing this for days! by the way... that is a compliment. I hope I wasn't confusing you. Great job! Good lick in the contest!
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i love the visuals in this... and the punch in the head the reader gets at the end... well done
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-deep breath- wow, this is, well WOW, great write, I'm tearing up my story now. J/k wish me luck I'll need it, Wow.
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wow....such a visual and the emotions....whoa.Great job here.Best of luck and thank you for entering
~~Serenity~~
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There is alot of imagination in this write. Excellent work here.
Best of luck to you in the contest.
Tammy
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Sounds like an intense experience!
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Um...really? Well it's interesting to say the least. I do agree with Circuitsboard although I can't really say much about the way it's "jumbled into one paragraph" it could be told better. In Microsoft Works it says 100 words. now I'm scared mine's not 100. Bah.
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I hate to say this, but MS Word counts 99... pasted into Word, that is...
I like the concept, but I think it could be told better, with capitalization, line breaks, etc., not so jumbled into one paragraph. I think you should take the time to edit it and you'd have a good chance to place!
Good luck!
And, thanks for commenting! -
stunning
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