I Hunger

I Hunger1

By: Kasey Altman2

The cool fall air was a comfort to me as I walked through the shadow-laden forest path. Multi-colored leaves crunched under my sneakers loudly, declaring my arrival to the small animals that scurried over the forest floor. The setting sun lit the orange canopy to a brilliant fiery hue that seemed to have a life of its own. Despite the beauty of this peaceful place I was in no mood to appreciate it. The ache in my abdomen was beginning to grow to a searing cramp that made me clench my fists and grit my teeth. 3

The hunger was more familiar to me than anything in the world. I could not remember a moment in my life when I had been free of the empty feeling in my stomach. It had always been there. From my first memory to this very instant, I was constantly plagued with a craving that I could never satisfy. Over time I had learned to live with the insatiable hunger in order to function but it always stirred beneath the surface of my resolve. I wrapped my arms over the offending area and trudged across the dirt path with a quicker pace.4

A few walkers roamed leisurely across the other trails, taking part in the activities the small plaques offered. Unlike the happy couples and lone hikers I was not there for the scenic beauties of the park. I was taking a shortcut in order to reach my apartment building in less time than the main road offered. On days when my gut was more savage than others I would take the shortest route home that I could find. 5

A cool breeze stirred the leaves at my feet and I found myself watching the dance that they made. As I studied the dried foliage’s movements a deep rumbling sounded from inside of me. I swallowed hard and attempted a jog when a deep twisting cramp made me double over in pain. The acids in my empty stomach were churning around with all the force of a whirlpool. Hot bile crept up my throat and burned the back of my tongue. Small growls were emanating from my belly as if from a caged animal and I had to grit my teeth in order hold back a pathetic groan.6

“Young lady, are you all right?” The question came from above me and I looked up through the curtain of my black hair to see an elderly man bending over me in concern. His soft wrinkled hands were resting on my shoulders in a comforting gesture that made me humiliated. The scent that came from him reminded me of some kind of cooking spice and my belly let out another atrocious growl. 7

“Maybe I should call an ambulance!” he said. The concern in his voice brought heat to my face and I struggled to my feet. The man already had a cell phone in his hand and I gripped his bony wrist to stop him from dialing.8

“No. No, I’m fine. Just a little dizzy that’s all.” I said. The words came out in painful rasp as the twisting pain spread to my ribs and down my legs. I had to get home fast and despite the man's attempt to help me he was only causing me more problems. There was no way that I could afford a hospital bill for something that I had my entire life and knew would never go away. 9

“Are you sure? You look very sickly.” he said. His deep brown eyes were furrowed in doubt, making the wrinkles in his face more pronounced. The muscles in my jaw were twitching in irritation and I had to clench my teeth together in order to keep from screaming.10

“I’m fine. I just want to get home.” I pushed past the old man and broke into a staggering run until I could see the wide back lawn of my apartment building in the distance.11

That night I lay in bed curled into a tight ball. The ache in my stomach had dwindled after four bowls of noodles and a whole frozen pizza. Most people would be full after such a meal but not me. No matter how much I ate I was never satisfied. Throughout my life I could always remember being hungry to some degree, possibly because there was never much food in the house when I was growing up. I always craved a food I could never find and I had accepted that at some point. Even now as I gripped my hands against my belly and concentrated on the quarter moon outside my window I was content in knowing that for the moment the hollow ache was endurable.12

A gentle breeze wafted through the thin screen making the white curtains float inward. The dark branches of the oak tree outside rustled against the side of the building, making a scratching noise that reminded me of something from my past. A memory that I tried to push down into the dark chambers of my mind that I never visited. I clutched my comforter tighter against my body as if it would protect me from the images that were creeping into my head. Despite my efforts to fight off the recollection it found its way to my eyes and I found myself reliving one of the most despicable moments of my life.13

“Mommy. Mommy, wake up.” I chirped. My small hands shook the sleeping figure of the woman on the tattered couch. Her face was placid and smooth as she slept and I touched it with my fingertips. A small rumble caught my attention and I looked down at my belly. Beneath the purple floral shirt I could see my stomach quiver as the grumbling grew louder. The woman on the couch rolled on to her side, facing away from me, and I clutched her arm with more urgency.14

“Mommy! I’m hungry.” I said. She turned her face enough for me to see her one closed eye and nose. She reached out and stroked my cheek but her hand fell down heavily.15

“In a minute, Helena. Mommy’s very tired. I’ll make something in a second.” she said. Her voice was thick with slumber and I knew that it would be a few hours before she was going to wake up completely. I dropped my face in defeat and climbed onto the rocking chair in the corner of the room. Placing a throw pillow over my protesting belly I tried to focus on the cartoon that glowed on the television screen. The mischievous rabbit did little to distract me from the angry cramping in my abdomen and I brought my knees up beneath my chin.16

The clock on the wall ticked the seconds by with agonizing slowness. I let out little moans of discomfort as the pain traveled up my ribs. I listened in fascination as the noises in my stomach began to resemble the neighbors large Husky when a stranger would walk by. As my hunger grew I found myself scrunching my face to the point that my cheeks hurt. Finally I could take no more and I rushed into the kitchen as quietly as I could. 17

Grabbing a chair I dragged it next to the counter and climbed on top of it. Being five years old I still could not reach the cabinets above the sink without help. I searched the cupboards with frantic eyes for something that I could make. All I could find were some packages of rice and a bottle of half-empty Vodka. Mommy had forbidden me from touching the drink and I was not allowed to use the stove in order to make the rice. I scrambled from the chair and opened the fridge, hoping to see something edible. A cry of sadness came from my mouth as I found myself staring into a brightly lit box of nothing.18

The shelves contained a few plastic bottles of water and a jar of rotting olives. The growling in my tummy was louder than I had ever heard it. I sat on the floor and rested my chin in my hands. The pain was churning in me with such savageness that I could feel my throat tighten with the threat of a dry heave. Suddenly, a small scratching noise caught my attention. I crawled to the door and opened it a crack. There, struggling to escape the paws of a tabby cat was a fat brown squirrel. The little rodent’s head was locked in the feline’s teeth and it breathed slowly as it began to die. 19

“Go away!” I screamed at the cat and swatted it with my hand. It yowled at me before dropping the little animal and darted beneath the bushes. I knelt down over the twitching squirrel and looked at the lines of blood that covered its face. His dark eyes stared into nothing and his labored breathing was the only other movement that it made. My little hands gently lifted him off the cold cement and I carried him into the kitchen. He made small squeaks that were barely audible and I stroked his soft fur with one finger.20

“Poor thing.” I said. A long deep groan sounded inside of me and I could feel the hunger crunching my stomach. Pain crawled down my legs and up my chest as a cramp consumed my belly. I moaned in agony and held the small animal against me as I tried to ride out the wave of pain. A tiny squeak made me look at the squirrel and I found myself licking my lips. My eyes took in the creature’s plump white belly that promised to be warm. I lifted him close to my face and looked deep into his face. His large dark eyes were dull and his tongue was hanging from his open mouth. The shallow breaths were growing few and far between and I knew that he was going to die anyway. 21

I held him behind the head with one hand and secured his back feet with my other. I brought his exposed belly to my mouth and felt the soft fur against my lips. The pain in my stomach was what convinced me into doing what I had never once thought of doing. Quickly I opened my mouth and sunk my tiny teeth into the soft surface of the squirrel’s abdomen. The animal let out a startling squeal and struggled in my grip. I held on tightly as thick liquid flowed over my tongue and I pulled away with a mouth full of warm flesh and entrails. 22

The meat was surprisingly delicious as I chewed with an urgency that matched my hunger. The first mouthful slid down my throat and I took another bite. This time the squirrel made no protest and I tore at his intestines with my teeth as I tried to take another mouthful. Warm liquid was dribbling down my chin and staining the linoleum with bright red dots. For once I could feel the pain in my tummy receding and I tore into one of his thighs.23

“Helena!” the startled cry of my mother made me drop the half eaten carcass onto the floor. Her frightened eyes looked into my face and the little animal lying dead on the floor. Her hand flew to her mouth in horror and she rushed to the sink in order to avoid vomiting on the floor. After she had finished she looked at me with eyes still filled with terror.24

“It’s okay Mommy. I’m not hungry anymore.” I said. A sob wracked her body before she turned to the sink and heaved again.25

At some point during my fall into memory I had entered the bathroom and faced the mirror. My face stared at me with large blue eyes that told of the shame I felt for having had to reduce myself to that animalistic act. Yet, even as I remembered the disgrace that grew over time, I also remembered the slight satisfaction and thrill I had felt in eating the raw meat. My stomach growled at the memory and I threw my hands up in defeat. It was obvious that I would not get any sleep tonight so I tugged on some jeans and a sweater before venturing out toward the park again.26

The temperature had dropped in the few hours since sundown and I hugged my arms close to my body. The thick forest line was mostly dark, save for the path lights that illuminated the trails, and I took a hesitating step before crossing into the park. The cool breeze was not as strong with the thick trees blocking its flow and I found the temperature a bit warmer. There were no walkers that I could see and I felt a bit more comfortable being on my own. 27

There seemed to be more dead leaves on the ground than earlier and the crunching beneath my feet was louder. Along the path I found an empty bench and I slumped onto it. The sound of crickets and night owls created a beautiful serenade that brought me closest to the feeling of peace I had ever been. I rested my head against the back of the bench and stared up at the quarter moon through the thinning canopy. The night was comforting despite the hollow ache in my stomach and I found myself humming part of Brahms ‘Hungarian Dance‘. 28

“You’re looking better.” a voice made me jump and I looked to see the same elderly man who had offered me help earlier. He shuffled to the bench and sat down next to me. His kind face looked me over before nodding in approval. I smiled uncomfortably and held my arms tighter against my ribs. I had never been good with socializing, due to the fact that my father had left when I was two and my mother worked double shifts leaving me alone most of the time. 29

“I was worried about you. I still think I should have called an ambulance.” he said. The old man chuckled and reached into his pocket and pulled out a pipe. With bony fingers he put a pinch of tobacco into the bowl and lit it with a lighter. The scent of the pipe made my nose wrinkle and I sneezed before I could cover my face. He only chuckled and flexed his left arm a few times.30

"I love this park. My wife and I used to come here all the time. After she died I find myself coming here two or three times a day. It is alot more interesting than just sitting at home and watching the television or listening to the radio." he said. He looked at me as though he wanted me to add to the conversation but I had nothing to say.31

“I think I’m going to go.” I murmured. As I stood he mimicked me and began walking at my side. I looked at him curiously and he only smiled around his pipe.32

“Can’t let a young lady walk home alone in the dark. There’s some bad characters these days.” he said. So we walked in silence and I found myself watching him out of the corner of my eye. He seemed so frail to me, as though he would fall apart with the simplest blow. I shook my head at the thought and was horrified to hear a deep rumble emanate from my belly. Heat flooded my cheeks as I heard the man chuckle. I looked to him and saw him flexing his arm again. With a growing sense of dread I proceeded down the path but had to stop when he let out a muffled moan. Looking back I saw him on his knees, gripping his chest with his hand. The pipe had fallen from his grasp and the tiny embers were catching hold of the dried leaves. 33

I cried out and began stomping on the burning foliage until there was no sign of a flame. Heavy breathing caught my attention and I found the old man groaning and struggling against the dirt path. His mouth was open wide and his eyes darted from side to side. 34

“Heart…attack!” he moaned. I knelt beside him and watched him flounder like a fish out of water. I was not sure what to do and I attempted to drag him down the path but to no avail. He fell onto his stomach and cried into the dirt. With shaking hands I gripped his shirt to try pulling him up but my eyes caught the skin of his back. The flesh was smooth despite his age and a familiar ache in my stomach had me clenching my teeth together. I squeezed my eyes shut and was rewarded with the image of the squirrel in my hands.35

My mouth was salivating thickly and the painful emptiness in my gut was growing out of control. The man at my knees was going quiet and I looked to him with wide eyes. His breath was shallow against the ground and he had bitten his tongue in his struggle. A small pull of blood had dribbled from his broken pallet and his eyes were wide and empty. 36

With shaking hands I pushed his shirt higher up his back, exposing the skin to my frantic gaze. The flesh was smooth and soft beneath my fingers and the pain in my belly was beginning to spread further over my body. The savage growls were echoing in my ears and I brought my face close to his flesh. He smelled of spices and tobacco. It was an intoxicating odor that made my mouth water and my belly quiver. 37

The man made soft murmurs as I pressed my lips against the spongy layer of skin above his shoulder blade. I bared my teeth and pressed them against the tissue. I tested how far I could go before he let out a startled cry of protest. With one hand I pressed his head into the dirt and with the other I gripped his left wrist while my knee held his right to the ground. Then I forced my teeth to penetrate his flesh. The blood that poured into my mouth was hot and thick with a sweet metallic taste. He let out a muffled cry but was unable to move against my unfaltering grip. 38

The muscle that I was attempting to tare from him was stubborn and I had to shake my head side to side like a dog with a rag toy. When the meat finally broke free of its hold I craned my neck up toward the canopy. The twitching muscle in my mouth tasted like nothing I had ever known. It was tangy and sweet on my tongue as it writhed with its severed nerves and quivering flesh. I chewed the mass quickly and swallowed it so I could take another bite. The man had stopped struggling and I felt secure enough to straddle him for a better position.39

This time I took a bite from his lower back. The meat was tougher here and I had to tare at it with my nails and take a few extra bites before it would pull away. The hunger inside had flared beyond anything I was familiar with and I was consumed with the meal in my grasp. My eyes darted over the empty park looking for anyone who would spot me in my grotesque feeding. With my blood soaked fingers I lifted him slightly and turned his head to the side so I could sink my teeth into the soft bend of his neck. The skin was thinner and easier to penetrate and I came away with a fatty mass. I spit the piece out with disgust. It lacked the enthralling taste that his more muscular areas had.40

I took a minute to breathe in a large gulp of air. I could feel my pulse pounding in my skull as I filled my lungs greedily. Opening my eyes I looked over the silent park and relished in how alive I felt. My skin tingled with an adrenaline that had taken over when I sank my teeth into my meal. The one thing that put me in absolute wonder was how my belly seemed so quiet and still. I could feel no aching hollowness, sharp agonizing pain and I heard no growling. 41

“Is this what it feels like to not be hungry?” I asked. There was no answer and I looked down at the unmoving body beneath me. The old man lay as still and rigid as stone. His large eyes were glazed over as they stared into the darkness of the forest. The blood that oozed from the gaping holes in his back was growing cool to the touch. I brought my fingers to my mouth and could feel the layer of liquid smeared over my chin. My eyes looked down to the sweater I wore and I found a dark red stain that covered most of my chest and dribbled down to my jeans.42

The horror of what I had just done dawned on me like a blinding light. I choked back a scream and flung myself from the man whom I had just fed from. He did not move when free of my imprisoning weight and I could tell from his lifeless glare that he was no longer living. My hands cupped over my mouth and the sweet scent of his blood laced up my nose. I kept looking from the corpse to my bloody fingers over and over again. At that point the sounds of the park seemed to build in amplitude around me. My eyes darted from one spot to the other, catching glimpses of shadowy figures watching me.43

Panic ran through my body like lightning and without a moments thought I scrambled to my feet and ran full force towards home.44

The café in which I worked was busy as usual. Throngs of people came to order steaming mugs of coffee and baked goods. The crowds did little to distract me from my dark thoughts, due to the fact that I kept wiping at my mouth with shaking hands and checking my teeth to make sure they were not stained pink from last nights ‘dinner’. I went on with my work as if nothing were wrong, at least that is the impression I hope I gave off.45

The night before I had taken a shower with water so hot I could barely tolerate it. I had scrubbed at my skin with enough force that when I emerged from the steam I was as pink as a new born. My mouth took longer to clean. I spent an hour and a half meticulously flossing out the tiny chunks of flesh and muscle that clung between my teeth. Another thirty minutes were spent brushing at my enamel so hard that my gums were left sore and bleeding. I used an entire bottle of mouth wash before I was finished but I could still taste his blood on my tongue. 46

After soaking my clothes in a sink of bleach I stuffed them into a garbage bag and deposited them into the dumpster behind the building. Sleep eluded me the entire night. I lay in bed tossing and turning over the mattress, for once not because of an aching belly, and kept reliving my sinful night. At four fifteen in the morning the haunting scream of police sirens had me biting my nails in fear. It had dawned on me that I had not even attempted to hide the body. I stayed in bed and trembled in terror, thinking that at any moment the police were going to storm through my door and arrest me for cannibalistic murder. 47

Those words tumbled through my brain my entire shift. ‘Cannibal’ and ‘Murderer’ were descriptions for evil people who were sick in the head. I was not so sure that I had murdered the man because he was having a heart attack before I even bit him. ‘Cannibal’ was a little harder to sort out. I had technically eaten the man but not for some carnal pleasure. I was just so hungry! The word provoked the empty hollow ache in my abdomen once again. It had awoken a quarter hour after I started work and was growing back to the pain I was used to. I found it odd how the hunger was sated after those few small morsels of human meat. The sense of finally satisfying that undying craving had been blissful if only for a few moments before the fear set in.48

Once I was finished with work I walked quickly down the main streets toward the apartment building. I avoided the park and any routes that would view the tree line. The memories in my head were enough to make me reel without actually seeing the setting for my demonic deed. When I climbed the stairs to my door I could hear a soft mumbling down the hall to my left. Struggling with a large drum set was my fourteen year old neighbor, Kimmy. 49

Kimmy was pencil thin and mousy for her age. Many girls began sprouting curves earlier in life but I had the feeling that she would be cursed with the figure of a ten year old boy all her life. Her facial features did little to distract from her plain body. Her eyes were small and boringly brown behind thin framed glasses. Dark brown hair hung in straight tresses to her bony shoulders, making her face seem more angular than necessary. Her voice was soft and shy to the point you could hardly hear her without straining your ears. I watched as she struggled to fit a large round drum through the tiny door frame. The object was threatening to topple over and I found myself rushing to her aid.50

“Oh! Hello Helena.” she said. A deep scarlet blush crept into her cheeks as she was caught in a moment of turmoil. I smiled at her as I grabbed half of the instrument.51

“You looked like you could use some help.” I said. She nodded and smiled at me with gleaming white teeth.52

“Yeah. It’s my older brothers birthday and I bought him this set to take to his dorm. I wanted to set it up before my parents brought him home but I’m having trouble getting it through the door.” she admitted. I smiled at how red she was becoming.53

“Well I’ll help you.” I said. She beamed at me and began maneuvering through the tiny space. It took us almost fifteen minutes to get the entire set into the living room before we both fell onto the plush couch. Our breaths were both ragged and we giggled at how much effort it took. Neither of us said anything as we caught our breaths, until an obscene growl made my stomach quiver and my head dizzy. Laughter erupted next to me and I looked to the girl as she giggled hysterically.54

“You sound hungry. How about I make some Hot Pockets to thank you for your help.” she said. Before I could answer the girl bounded off the couch and began rummaging through the freezer. I watched in disbelief as she quickly threw two frozen Pockets into the microwave and began chattering about something I could not decipher.55

The pain in my belly was reaching another zenith and every time I swallowed I felt the urge to heave onto the white carpet at my feet. I closed my eyes and saw the image of the old man. His back ruined with holes and dark blood. The memory of his taste was making the craving in my abdomen grow out of control. I opened my eyes and watched the young girl retrieve plates from a cabinet. Her youthful frame tempted me in ways that had been alien to me, until last night. 56

Silently I stood, my eyes locked on Kimmy. As I stalked closer to her I could hear her speaking to me but I could not understand. Everything had fallen to a quiet hum and I was consumed with the vengeful aching in my belly. When I was close enough to her that I could smell her perfume I knew that there was no going back. Last night had been the beginning for me and I understood now that this was what I had been hungry for all my life. Why no food, no matter how delicious never satisfied, and why I was constantly plagued with an undyingly painful hunger.57

Kimmy turned to face me and I saw her eyes widen in surprise. Her face was unsure at my closeness and the determined look in my eyes. She smiled timidly and that was when I struck. I leapt on top of her, knocking her weak body to the hard floor, and secured her tiny wrists in one hand. With my right knee I pressed her cheek hard against the linoleum. My free hand quickly yanked up her t-shirt, exposing the smooth white skin of her belly. She kicked with her legs but they were so thin that it was all to easy for me to hold them down. 58

The hunger in me was screaming to be sated as I lowered my face to the space between her belly button and jean line. Kimmy screamed as my teeth penetrated the thin line of skin that separated me from the muscle beneath. Hot youthful blood flooded every crevice of my mouth as I dug deeper. I clamped my jaw shut before I pulled away with a delicious mass. The girl beneath me was screaming so loud that my ears hurt but I did not care. The raw meat in my mouth was rich with an unknown flavor that the old man did not have. 59

Craving more I knelt down and a bit in the area below her left rib. Her small body bucked beneath me, helping me to get a better grip on the flesh, and with an enthralling sound of wet separation, I came away with a large mouthful of twitching muscle. Her taste was addicting to me and the blood that gushed from her wounds only added to her appeal. Animalistic growls were racing from my throat and I pictured a lone wolf feasting on a fallen deer. The thought sent a thrill down my spine and the hunger in me flared with new life. Quickly, I repositioned myself so I could take part of her side. The flesh was tighter here and once again I had to shake my head from side to side in order to free it from its place. The girl was sobbing beneath me and somewhere deep beneath the raging hunger I felt pity for her pain.60

Suddenly, a staggering blow to the head sent me flying from the flailing teen and I lay on the floor. Dark circles danced over my eyes but I could see the terrified faces of Kimmy’s family as they snatched the bleeding girl away from me. Her very large brother stood in front of me with balled fists and screamed things that I could not understand. The mother was clutching a cell phone to her ear with one hand while her other held her daughter close to her side. The father was holding a gun to my face, his eyes glaring with a mixture of hatred and terror. I rolled my head to the side and saw my image in the distorted metal reflection of the stove.61

My black hair was tangled wildly around my face and my large blue eyes were that of a strangers. My mouth and chin were stained with blood as was my shirt and hands. I looked away from what I had become and my eyes fell on a single piece of meat on the floor by my hand. I took the red mass and stuck it in my mouth with a demonic sneer. Startled gasps rang around me before a savage kick to the face made my world go dark.62

The cell in which I was placed was small and simple. A single bed with crisp white sheets, a clean toilet with one roll of paper placed on the floor beside it and one window that faced a floral courtyard. I sat on the bed, my legs crossed Indian style, and stared unblinking at the wall. The white flannel pajamas I was forced to wear were itchy against my skin but I hardly minded. The temperature in this place was kept a comfortable seventy one degrees and that made the nights easier. 63

The last few weeks were a confusing blur to me, mostly because I was kept on strict attitude adjusting pills that made my days seem worth forgetting. When Kimmy’s family had walked in on me ‘eating’ their daughter they had called the police. It had been her brother who kicked me in the face after I took that last morsel and the concussion I suffered was of little consequence to him. The police had linked me with the man in the park and they charged me with things I did not truly remember. I think the word ‘murder’ was in there somewhere.64

I remember being in the courtroom when a man dressed in a dark suit told the judge that I suffered from some disease that made my body lack some protein and therefore made me crave human flesh. I was too doped up to remember the name of the deficiency and I really did not care. All I can clearly remember was how hungry I had grown to be. That and looking across the court room to see Kimmy gazing down at her table with blood shot eyes. She had shown the court the wounds on her belly, which the doctors had to take skin grafts from her thigh in order to cover, and the result was many exasperated cries of disbelief.65

My lawyer pleaded that I be placed in a hospital for rehabilitation and the judge agreed. That was how I ended up in some quack house in upstate New York. I really couldn’t complain. The place has been nice enough and the orderlies are polite so long as I don’t try to take a bite out of them. My doctor made certain that I get my own room, probably so I do not try to eat anyone else, and I was content enough to sit alone and let the time go by. 66

The nurses always made sure that there was a plate of food in the room, no utensils of course, that contained food high in protein and iron. Things like beef, liver, and so on. I hardly touched the stuff. It was useless in satisfying the painful hunger that had taken over my entire body. I was going on my third day of not eating and I think the doctors were getting annoyed. Somehow my dosage was upped and I was hearing talk of ‘force feeding’. All I could focus on was how hungry I was. It was all I could think about. I wanted to satisfy the agony that swarmed in my belly like angry hornets, but there was no way I could. The doctors were always accompanied by large orderlies that watched my every move and I was not brave enough to try anything with them around. All I could do was sit in my little room and relive each moment that I had ate a piece of the old man or Kimmy.67

Tears ran down my cheeks as the agony grew steadily and I dug my nails into my palms. The thick scent of my own blood made me look down and I watched the crescent shaped wounds spill over with tiny red droplets. My mouth salivated as I licked the tiny pools and was reminded of a taste that I had been yearning for. I shook as I pulled the sleeve of my shirt up past my elbows and examined the untouched skin of my arm. I ran my nose slowly over the smoothness of my lower arm, taking in the scent of cheap soap and human flesh.68

Carefully, I placed my teeth over the space beneath my inner elbow and began to dig into my own arm. The pain was sharp and searing but I kept on until my teeth clicked together. Slowly I separated the mass from my arm and chewed the thick piece that had once been part of me. My own taste was far more satisfying than either the old man or Kimmy combined. It was salty sweet on my tongue and the pain in my arm made the experience so much more real for me. 69

"Oh, god!" I sobbed painfully around the mouthfull.70

This time I brought my bicep close to my mouth and with more force than before, I ripped a large chunk away. The nerves in the mass were twitching wildly as I chewed the piece into a swallow friendly size. I marveled at how my arm spasmed around the wound and still I took another bite. The thin layer of skin on the back of my hand did not have much meat beneath but the blood was rich and I took another bite. I had to bite down on the layer of meat in order to muffel the scream of pain that ripped from my throat. With each piece I took from myself my world grew darker and the pool of blood around me grew larger. I was growing weaker to the point that bits of my meal were falling messily from my mouth and the pulse in my head was beginning to die away, but still, despite it all, I took another bite.71