Episode 2 – The Dustbin
PREVIOUSLY – Baz moved to the strange area of Port Talbot. He met Glynn and Imogene two unkind fellow teenagers, Egbert a strange chubby boy and Sweep a somewhat crazy teenage girl.
Baz has only been in Port Talbot for three days and has already been through more then half its residents. But the hardest thing is yet to come – his first day at his new school!
Seaside by The Kooks is the theme song.
Baz gets out of his mothers tattered car and she drives of at a high speed. He throws the fag that was in his mouth on the ground and stamps on it.
He looks up to see the practically broken down school. There are about six hundred students rushing around. As he is walking he is pushed by glynn, the boy he met the other day. His books fall to the ground.
Glynn –“Look who it is, the freak!”
Imogene –“That’s right babe you got him!”
Baz –“Yeah whatever”
Imogene –“Am could you like not afford a bag or at least a bin bag?”
Baz –“Why would I …”
She shows him her bag which is in fact a bin bag with hearts drawn with nail varnish on it.
Baz glares at it in shock.
Glynn –“Now that’s stylish”
Baz picks his books up.
Baz –“Sure it is!”
He walks of; Glynn and Imogene glare at him.
Sweep comes up behind Baz. Sweep screams.
Baz –“Oh hi … Sweep?”
Sweep –“Yeah it’s me your new best friend!”
Baz –“Well that could actually be true everyone hates me!”
Sweep –“Don’t be so negative, that’s the devil talking!”
She giggles. Baz looks confused.
Baz –“So this place is a real dump, don’t you think!?”
Sweep looks upset.
Sweep –“Maybe buts it’s my dump! I call it the dustbin!!”
Baz –“Okay … moving on”
The bell rings.
Baz –“Was that supposed to be the bell?”
Sweep –“Yes I like to think that it’s a bumble bee shouting into a microphone!”
Baz again looks very puzzled.
Sweep –“well I better get to class, see you later BF!”
Baz –“Is that best friend or boyfriend?”
Sweep –“we’ll see”
She winks at him. She skips of to her classroom.
Baz looks around at the walls which are covered in cracks. All the doors have big or small holes in them.
A stick thin man wearing a very dull grey suit appears.
Principal –“Hello my boy, you are who exactly?”
Baz –“I’m Barry Jerrti”
Principal –“I see go ahead into that room there, that’s class 4.O, okay?”
Baz –“Yep”
He runs into the classroom.
He looks around at the classroom which actually looks like a prison cell.
Teacher –“Would you mind knocking you pup?”
Baz –“Sorry”
He sits down in the nearest chair. It creaks loudly when he sits on it, everyone laughs.
Teacher –“Shut up you idiots”
Baz looks around at his classmates; among them are Glynn, Imogene and Sweep.
Imogene puts her tongue out at him, Glynn gives him the finger and sweep winks. He sighs with exhaustion.
Teacher –“Okay class hands up what is 10 x 10?”
There is silence in the room. Baz looks around in shock.
Most of the students are either chewing gum or listening to some type of disco music.
Baz raises his hand.
Teacher –“Yes the new one”
Baz –“100”
The teacher looks amazed to hear the answer. The class glare at him in disgust.
One male student mouths SWAT at him.
Baz gulps in horror.
We now cut you when that class is over. Baz is walking with Sweep in the halls.
Imogene and Glynn walk towards them. They are both chewing gum.
Imogene –“Look babe it’s know it all and his freak!”
Sweep –“Freak, that’s mean!”
Baz –“Back off sheep shaggers!”
Glynn –“I told you the only thing I shag is her right!”
Imogene –“I’m sure you enjoy doing that kind of thing with that Egbert?”
Baz –“What”
Glynn –“We saw him show you his crack”
Sweep looks horrified.
Sweep –“Really”
Baz –“That was nothing to do with me”
Sweep –“Oh good so your not gay then?”
Baz –“No way”
Glynn –“Oh I get it you two are going out!”
Imogene laughs.
Imogene –“It’s the freak duo!”
Baz –“Leave Sweep alone you sheep shagger!”
Glynn suddenly punches Baz in the chest. He falls to the ground and gasps in pain. He begins to breath heavily.
Glynn and Imogene laugh.
Sweep looks scared, she runs to help Baz.
Glynn –“Call me that again and I’ll set my dad on you!”
He spits his chewing gum at him. They both walk away.
Sweep –“Are you okay?”
Baz –“yeah no bother but he’s dead!”
Sweep –“you like totally stood up for me, so you do like me!”
Baz –“I guess so”
Principal –“What kind of a display was that?”
Baz –“Look Glynn started it!”
Principal –“Who”
Sweep –“You saw didn’t you Sir?”
Principal –“Actually your suspended young man”
Baz –“What he hit me”
Principal –“Oh really prove it!”
Baz looks horrified, Sweep looks upset.
Baz –“Your protecting them, that’s illegal!”
He throws a pen at him.
Sweep –“that’s so unfair, are you even going to suspend Glynn?”
Principal –“Who”
He grins and walks off.
Sweep’s jaw drops in shock. Baz looks at him in anger.
Baz –“Suspended on the first day great!”
Sweep –“I’ve got to go, sorry”
Sweep turns to leave but Baz grabs her arm.
Sweep –“What”
She looks curious.
Baz –“I want revenge; do you know where Glynn’s locker is?”
Sweep –“Yeah it’s just there”
Baz starts smiling.
Baz –“Can you skip the rest of the day?”
Sweep –“Sure”
We now cut to Glynn’s locker. Written on it are the words “Sheep Shagger”
We now see Baz and Sweep run out of the school in fits of laughter.
The episode ends.
Next Time: Baz and Sweep are on a mission to find out the real reason behind Baz’s suspension.
Author notes
The 2nd episode iof stressed is here rewritten, here is the link to the old one!
http://storywrite.com/story/81469
Please tell me if I've improved and if so why?
Thnks!
Please comment and be truthful!
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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It's still the same old Stressed I felling in love with! Hehe, very good!
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I haven't read the first one, but I definitely will as soon as possible, or rather; now! It was quite interesting and I liked it, a lot!
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Aside from a few errors in lingo, punctuation & spelling...
Flattered that you asked for my opinion on this.
I think there are funny bits in both the piece (and its direction) and in the lines of the characters. Obviously the culture is a bit different from mine (in both time and space) and I don't really know your aimed-for market so I am at a loss to be very critical in a constructive and productive way. Lots of this is original and, I thought, written pretty well. Not quite sure where you are "coming from" and where you are going...what "market"...what "demographic"... but it seemed to have a frisky pace.
Do you have a theme? A plot? Any basic, underlying conflicts?
If you want to submit this you will need to work on the proper form: i.e. how to present the dialogue, the instructions, the stage direction.
But again, as I recently remarked to someone else with a similar setting...this has been done aplenty over the years...as in Fast Times At Rigemont High, Welcome Back Kotter, etc. Perhaps another twist's time has come?
Good luck!
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Nice
I like the names you've given these people.
Sweep and Baz, nice.
very nice story
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Hmmm...
It was...interesting. I don't really see where you're trying to go with it and I keep loosing interest. I would suggest using spell check and re-reading it once or twice.
It could use a little more action, but it was written pretty smoothly and left me kind of wondering what the hell is wrong with the principal.
Keep Writing.
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Baz gets out of his mothers (mother's) tattered car and she drives of(off) at a high speed.
He throws the fag that was in his mouth on the ground and stamps(stomps) on it.
Sweep –“Maybe buts(but) it’s my dump! I call it the dustbin!!”
and (S)sweep winks
We now cut you(to) when that class is over. (um, try re-wording that)
Baz –“That (had)was nothing to do with me”
Sweep –“Oh(,) good so your not gay then?” (yes, no, oh,)
Principal –“Who(?)”
Alright, when your writing diolog you should but commas when someone pauses. For example when you say “Oh I get it you two are going out!” It should be "Oh, I get it you two are going out!" because when speaking someone tends to momentaraly pause after saying things like "Yes, but..." or "No, I didn't..." Or at least that's the way i was tought to do it.
Anyway, the story was a vast improvment on the first draft. You added a lot more detail and gave it a lot more intrest.
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The story id good but I find theres to much slang, but t hats just me cause i live in the middle of noware and went to school in redneck land so might be a little behind the times.
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My Verdict
Wow, the students didn't even know what ten times ten was? 0.o That's weird! Anyway, it was an interesting read. Also, just wondering, why did you pick me to comment on this story? Did you just look through a list of users and pick out random names? Anyway, keep writing. I feel sorry for Baz. -
Not certain what a producer would be looking for where you are, but this actually is interesting reading. You must consider I don't usually read plays so this has caught my attention.
What do you mean by saying Baz "has already been through more then (than) half its residents." ??? He's driven through them, eaten them, what?
Some missed caps (When a person begins to speak it begins with caps. One place a name in small letters.)
Now you have a story going, and it becomes a matter of waiting for scene change. In this case camera shift but on stage possibly a break for the set to be altered.
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I thought it had a good flow to it. More happens in it than previously, and it's interesting but for a TV series isn't it still too short?
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