It is still March 1979 as chapter one continues with the St Paddy’s Day celebration.
Unpardonable Sin—3
John Connors' younger brother turned the threesome again into a foursome. A definite family resemblance, Devlin noticed, but there any true similarity in looks to the elder brother ended.
William Connors’ had a tennis player body bordering on skinny. The facial features were delicate and the narrowness of his brow and chin prettied an otherwise handsome masculine face. "Andy," he said as his eyes flicked over Andrea Nelson as if with distaste. "Didn't know you would be here. Shelia told me you were in Albany."
“Got back this a.m. I haven't talked with your sister yet. Is she coming tonight?"
"Doubtful. You know Shelia, she's probably curled up with a bottle."
"Will! Cool it!" John's tone showed irritation. "This is Thomas Devlin." He made the introduction.
"Devlin?" William repeated the name, his handshake quick like a slap. "Seems I should know you?"
"He's with Storm's investigation."
"Storm's bunch-- Jesus, Mike plays footsies with the oddest playmates. I remember now . . ."
"Well forget it for tonight. Don't tax your brain little brother." John's voice was sharp with warning. "This is a fun party."
"No biggie," William said. "Jim was telling me about this bright fresh mind Mark Storm inherited from Fitzgerald. Seems Storm has high hopes of sticking it to Mike good this round. You know Fitz would like nothing better than to see Mike take a tumble."
"Must have been talking about someone else." Devlin shrugged as he let a grin dance across his mouth. "We have a lot of young men on the payroll. I’ll have to check on the bright issue."
“Good heaven!” Andrea interrupted. “What is that attached to Mike’s hip. It seems to be alive.”
Devlin’s attention was drawn with the others towards their returning host.
Michael O'Neill re-entered the ballroom. Some time during his short absence he had acquired an extension. The child was held at his side by his hand clamped on her shoulder. Her head barely passed her father's waist. Her coppery colored hair had been painstakingly done so the long curls cascaded from the crown of her head in a fall down her back interwoven with white silk ribbons. The crinkled slits of her eyes allowed only a slim line of violet to flicker in the fierce set of the small features.
Eight-year-old Deirdre O'Neill moved defiantly. Whenever they paused, she scowled and mumbled an acknowledgement to an introduction. She had not volunteered to join her father’s party.
She threw a fit when he came to her playroom to claim her. She hoped her father's ankles showed big black and blue marks where she kicked him.
"What a darling, Mike." They touched her. They didn't notice she flinched. They patted and raved over her curls ignoring her furious pout. ‘They were a giggling and a snickering sure, like she was some bloody clown.’ Deirdre mimicked their voices in her mind. ‘Mike, --she's the cutest.’ ‘Did you ever.’ ‘A real little Paddy.’
Someone pinched her cheek and it hurt awful.
"Michael, I swear she's as tall as our Jason." Catherine Connors remarked as if the child wasn't a person, only a commodity they were discussing. "Deirdre, you look like a little lady tonight. Your dress is lovely."
‘Well giggly goo, she talked to you.’
Required to call her aunt, though she wasn't, Deirdre didn't particularly like her father's cousin Catherine Connors. The fact that Catherine’s son Jason was Deirdre’s classmate and close friend didn’t help their relationship. Catherine was a ‘Lady’ and Deirdre didn’t like ladies.
This remark about her dress made the woman twice as hateful in her eyes. For Deirdre despised the white gown with its green shamrocks splashed about like vomit. She continuously tugged at the white, green, and orange bow encircling her waist until it drooped in agony. Every chance she got she poked her fingers into the dirt of a potted plant and rubbed it on her dress. If only she could get it dirty enough Ann would have to change her.
Until she’d made her wear this wretched outfit, Annie had been an all right soul. Deirdre hadn’t classified Ann with the ‘Ladies’ she hated who frequented her father’s house. But tonight Ann had turned her into this pitiful clown and she hated Ann Ryan as much as she hated them all.
She spotted a waiter with a tray perched on one palm. He was headed in her direction. She could trip him. But his tray only held clear drinks. She had to locate something red or brown. Something that could make a nice stinking mess on her ugly dress.
Tom! She spotted him and her cruel existence became tolerable. Her father had warned her not to make a big deal over Tom Devlin. But he hadn’t said she couldn't talk to him. She checked her father out. He was yakking it up with Catherine, he wouldn't notice. She slipped behind a planter; the leafy ivy hid her movements. She was nearly to her intended destination when her father saw her and called her back.
She ignored him.
Moving uninvited into the group of adults, Deirdre pushed in between Devlin and the black lady. She played it safe by talking to John Connors first. "Sure, now, mis...ta Connors. I'm a wishin' Jas was 'ear."
"How cute. Say that again dear? I didn't understand you." Andrea Nelson said as Jason's father introduced them.
Devlin warned. "Watch it Andrea. Unless I miss my guess, this girl’s expression is advertising an unpleasant mood. Any second she's going to punch somebody."
Deirdre knew Tom was teasing, still, she did feel ready to explode. It wasn't that the lady was a stranger or black. It was the way she kept touching Tom's arm whenever she said anything. A word, a grab, a word, a grab, it made Deirdre want to kick her.
"Dede?" Devlin gripped her shoulder. "How about a song?" Then repeated, "sing," as if to say it's an escape, kid.
Nibbling on a protruding lower lip, Deirdre glared up at one of her favorite people in the whole world. How could he let this woman touch him like that? That's it. He didn't know how to get away. She'd help Tom. "Sur'en I'll sing." She giggled. "I'll bloody well sing for them." She slipped her small hand into Devlin's and ordered. "Get me to the piano."
"She can play?" Andrea attempted a smile but it faded when confronted by Deirdre's nasty scowl.
Author notes
I know—sigh-- a lot of characters. Thomas Devlin has to meet them all and what simpler way than a party.
In a list
can you understand what's happening here. Is it too obvious?
Comments
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I really liked Dede's appearence in this installment. I know it is necarssery to introduce a lot of characters at once sometimes and the party idea was a good one but I did think the feel of the piece was getting a little stuffy and then along comes this little girl to brighten everything up like a firwork! I love children (having spent my life surrounded by them, being the oldest in a big extended family) and I can identify with Devlin, having often found that the little monsters (yonger cousins and the like in my case) often provide the perfect excuse to escape from dreiry conversations at social gatherings.
It was a little confusing at first though when she appeared and the focus suddenly switched from Devlins point of view to that of Dede and I had to re-read that bit to get what was happening. I loved her though.
X Amber X -
Andy for a woman is usually Andie or Andi, I think.
If you don't lose everybody in the beginning, I guess a party is good. I am getting better at following, but I think introducing fewer characters at the beginning might well have been a good idea. I will see if I survive. I enjoyed Deidre's appearance a lot. She really adds to the story. I have no idea at the moment who Jim is.
Andy
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Thanks for the read, Andy. Glad you like Dede. If you follow the story you'll watch her grow up. "Hell on two feet"
You're a tough one so if I can keep you reading this I will really feel it's ready for publication--grin.
Jim is James and he is coming up shortly. I think he maybe mentioned earlier, I'll have to check. If not I will take mention of him out until he is introduced. Thanks for catching that.
Geri
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Devlin noticed, but there any true similarity in looks to the elder brother ended.
perhaps it's just me but this sounds awkward... maybe if you moved the "there" to the end of the sentence that would make it easier.
does the guy actually say "A.M." or are you just refering to morning?
Don't tax your brain little brother." since after this you're refering to tone of voice rather than action it should have a comma after brother.
I'm a little confused it seems that you turned the focus and made the girl the main character in this scene. I don't remember her kicking anyone... so that you might want to expand a bit on. Otherwise, it's a great chapter. I like the little girls spirit, might want to add someone in that can't stand the stuffiness either (just a thought) personally I hate wearing dresses and think the little girl should have someone on her side
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(maybe if you moved the "there" to the end of the sentence that would make it easier.) sounds good—I’ll buy it.
(does the guy actually say "A.M." or are you just refering to morning?) waaaay back then, a number of young people distinguished the time as am or pm. I still do it, “I was at the books until three A.M. I crawled out of bed at three P.M.”
(I don't remember her kicking anyone... so that you might want to expand a bit on.) I use to have that scene in there, Her daddy going to get her, and her kicking him. I got so many negative comments because of the violent scene coming up between them, that one had to go, and that one was voted out.
Glad you liked the story. Deirdre has spirit all right. Sometimes she takes over the story.
Again thanks for the suggestions and comments.
Geri
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Yes, a party does provide a convenient opportunity for introducing several characters at once.
I like the appearance of a young girl at the party. She provides an amusing break in the overall political rhetoric though I'm sure Mike has reasons of his own for bringing her.
She obviously has no desire to be there and would love to cause mischief.
This story is quite interesting so far. It keeps the reader's interest through all the subtle twists and turns of dialog and personalities. It will be interesting to see where it goes once the party is over.
Greg
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Hi Greg, I'm thrilled that you are still with my crusty crew.
Poor Mike, he is cursed with this darling child of his and Dede wont be the last—lol. Born before the rampage of HIV and STDs he is a little careless. Still, it's his nature to take care of his own.
The party will end soon and then the real games begin.
Thanks so much for reading and commenting, as always it is appreciated.
Geri
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The only thing that I see that needs tweaking in this piece is point-of-view. After the first two parts to this chapter, I thought the POV was Devlin's. Here you've switched to the little girl. Generally POV switching like this mid-stream is frowned upon. It's confusing for the reader. For example, if everything is to be seen through Devlin's eyes in the beginning, how can he know what DeDe did to her father? You can still show/explain these facts through dialogue between DeDe and Devlin, if you wish.
POV switching is usually denoted with a double paragraph to show the user that a scene switch is happening. Here it didn't read too bad but when you put the parts together, the POV switch is evident and confusing.
Other than that, I'm still eager to see where this goes!
. Rewarded 8
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Sorry, How did I miss this? I'm usually very conscious of saying thank you, when someone applies their time and effort to helping me with my writing.
I did read this and you are correct about the POV switches. Normally I wouldn’t do it in a single chapter, but being this thing is sooo long, I figured I could get away with. I do put in breaks before I switch but they don’t copy on this forum.
Please bear with me until this chapter is finished. If it still doesn’t sound right to you, I’ll consider re-working it—sigh--again.
I'm glad you are enjoy the story,
Geri
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but there any true similarity in looks to the elder brother ended. ... this reads awkward to me
William Connors’ had a tennis player body bordering on skinny. ... the ' isn't needed after Connors
The facial features were delicate and the narrowness of his brow and chin prettied an otherwise handsome masculine face. ...comma after delicate
"Michael, I swear she's as tall as our Jason." Catherine Connors remarked ...that's the same as Catherine Connors said...so the full stop after Jason needs to be a comma
Watch starting sentences with "and" or "but" unless in dialog.
I haven't read the first two parts on this, so I'm staying more on the structural side of things. Although with that said, I do like what I've seen here. I am a bit confused with the mass of characters in this part, but maybe going back to parts 1 and 2 will clear that up.
Good job on this!
. Rewarded 8
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Hi CI, really appreciate your finding those nits—darn a a couple dozen readers by me and still a few of them nasties manage to get away.
I can understand your plight; but I was leery of posting such a heavyweight chapter. Reading it all at once is too much to expect from the reviewers. By sectioning it off they can still decide to read them all and get fair credit for the work they do.
Thanks so much for the comments. Since you didn’t ask any questions, I'll assume the writing was legible--grin.
Geri
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Previously commented
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Balancing act
Geri,
I do not have enough writing experience to try to second guess your technique, so forgive me if I unknowingly step on your toes with anything I say.
At this point, I am pretty much in the dark with regard to the O’Neill history, the
Tom / Deirdre relationship, the Tom history, the Andrea history, the Connors history, the O’Neill / Connors family relationship, and the Storm / O’Neill relationship.
You are obviously not telling the story in chronological order so it is a little like watching what is going on through a number of knotholes in a fence. As the plot becomes more complex, the reader more and more needs to see the full picture to understand what is happening.
The writing is good and interesting.
It is going to be interesting to watch you feed the reader information at the correct rate, staving off confusion while maintaining interest until these things can all be clarified.
Lou
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Hi Lou, thanks so much for reading and commenting. You make a good point about the chronological order of events. Actually this St’ Paddy’s day party was constructed following the prologue to make this possible.
The prologue gives the reader the information that something happened in 1984. Then the first chapter drops back to 1979 and from there the story builds through the years until the incidents in 1984. There are some flashbacks but in the mind of an individual character mainly to show cause and effect.
This novel is twelve years old and nearly as big as a kid that age. The St. Paddy’s party came about so that I could cut several early chapters, and still introduce all the players in the games.
I posted this first chapter in sections because of its size and you’ve come into the third section, 2500 words away from the beginning—grin--so I can understand any confusion to the relationships.
Thanks again.
Geri
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