The Unblinking Eye (2nd draft)

Darlita slowly descended the mahogany staircase. She was lightheaded and short of breath. Her dainty, yet weathered hands shook uncontrollably, shivering with every cold drop of water that fell from her freshly washed smoke-colored hair. She wondered why she felt so ill. Her shoulders and neck burned with a pain she had never felt before. There was an incessant ringing in her ears. 1

I'll just lie down on the chaise in the den for a bit. Rest. That's all I need. A little sleep. 2

She made her way from the staircase into the foyer, then across the den to the cobblestone fireplace. She poked around at the embers, trying to restart the now smoldering fire.3

It is freezing in this house tonight. How odd... Ah, finally, a flame. 4

She added a few logs to the reborn fire, positioning and adjusting them as she did so. Satisfied with the heat she had created, she walked to the Victorian-era chaise and layed down on its smooth and inviting rose-colored Chantilly fabric. She let out a long, fulfilling sigh as she rested her fatigued body.5

Why am I so drained? Why do I feel so lethargic? 6

All thoughts drifted from her mind as she quickly fell into a deep, restful sleep. It wasn't long, however, before a strange, menacing voice woke her from her slumber.7

"I know your secret," the voice softly hissed.8

Darlita opened her eyes.9

What was that? 10

She lay there for a moment and decided she must have been dreaming, for the voice was much too quiet to have awakened her from such a deep sleep. She closed her eyes and again began to doze.11

"I know your secret."12

She opened her eyes again, this time a little startled. She lay there paralized, holding her breath, listening for the voice. After a few eerily silent moments she tried once more to rest.13

It's nothing, Darlita. Go back to sleep, go back to sleep... 14

She repeated that thought, trying to hypnotize herself back to sleep, but to no avail, for just as she began to relax she heard the words again.15

"I know your secret."16

"Is someone there?" she asked, voice trembling.17

"I know your secret," was the only reply.18

She sat up and looked around the room. She saw noone. She was overcome by a sudden chill. The fire was still burning, yet the house was colder than before. She added another log to the fire. 19

As she stood there trying to warm herself, something caught her attention. A shadow moved along the wall, appearing to slither up to the rafters of her home's cathedral ceiling. Perched there was a creature so hideous and disgusting she would have vomited if it weren't for the absolute fear that overwhelmed her upon seeing it. 20

Patches of long, tangled locks sprouted from it's body. There was a thick, brown substance clotted in some of the streams of matted hair. It's eyes were black and empty. Jagged, yellow-brown teeth peeked through drool-covered lips. It's filthy and naked skin was a cold shade of gray, blotchy with discoloration. 21

"I know your secret, Darlita," it said to her. As it spoke, it emitted a foul odor that reeked of decaying flesh and feces. Darlita could not suppress the urge to gag, for even with the beast squatting on the rafters above, the odor was potent enough to reach her nostrils as though it were standing right in front of her.22

She let out a terrified scream and turned to run. She took off in a full sprint, heading for the entrance to the foyer, but she barely made it more than just a few strides before, landing with a thud on the polished wooden floor, the beast stood before her.23

She screamed again. Her heart pounded as she realized there was nowhere for her to go, no place to hide from this... thing. Knowing this she calmed herself enough to speak. 24

"Who are you?" she asked.25

"My name is Arioch. I know what you have done."26

"Why are you here?" 27

The creature was now standing uncomfortably close to Darlita, fear causing her body to shake almost violently.28

"Master has sent me for you. I must bring you to him. We know your sin. Master owns your soul now."29

"No... no, I have committed no sin."30

"You will come with me. I will show you your sin."31

Darlita refused through furiously flowing tears. She was too afraid to move. What was he talking about? She had no recollection of committing a sin so serious Satan would send His angel to retrieve her soul.32

"I don't know what you are talking about."33

"Come with me. I will show you."34

"No! I'm not going anywhere with you! I've done nothing wrong!"35

The grotesque demon grabbed Darlita by the hair and forced her to walk. He dragged her into the foyer and stopped in front of a mirror hanging from the wall. Over the noise of her screams he angrily demanded through gritted teeth that she look at herself in the mirror. She protested, turning her head and closing her eyes. She was afraid of what she was going to see. She did not want to look. Arioch forced her head to turn back toward the mirror, and demanded once more that she see her reflection. She let out a cry of pain as she struggled with the demon, trying to pull away from him. 36

"Do you see? Look at yourself!" he snarled forcefully at her, saliva spattering her face.37

She unwillingly opened her eyes. What she saw through her tears was almost as frightening as the beast himself. She once again began to scream. There was blood covering her hands. It was randomly splashed on her clothing and face. There was even a little in her hair. She looked away from the mirror and down at herself. She peered at her hands, at her clothes. There was nothing. Puzzled, she looked up at her reflection and saw the same bloody figure as before. 38

Suddenly, she had a flashing memory of watching blood-tinged water flowing across the tub to the drain.39

Arioch pulled Darlita up the stairs, never releasing his grip on her hair. He dragged her to the library. She recoiled at the gruesome scene before her, more from shock than remorse. Her son lay sprawled on the floor in a now thick and sticky pool of blood, his new fiance lying next to him. 40

Immediately the memories came flooding back to her. She remembered how she loathed this woman... this woman who was stealing her pride and joy, who was taking her only child, her baby boy, away from her. She remembered pretending to celebrate their engagement with cake, three glasses of blush wine, and toasts to the happy couple. She remembered poisoning each glass of wine her son and his bride-to-be drank with a bit of cyanide. Her mind saw them both pass out from inebriation, saw them choking on their own vomit from her little celebratory cocktail. She remembered the satisfaction she felt at hearing their final gurgling breaths, and the anger that followed, stemmed by jealousy. She remembered picking up the knife from the tray and, with rich vanilla frosting sticking to the blade, stabbing them both repeatedly until the anger was appeased ... and the finishing touch was still to come.41

"OK," she whispered to Arioch. "I'll go. I deserve it. But there's one more thing I must do first. This is unfinished."42

"By all means," he replied. "Please, commence."43

She picked up the knife from the bloody mess on the floor. She got on her knees and straddled her son's corpse. Holding the knife tightly in her hand, she leaned in close and slowly sliced the eyelid from his left eye, savoring every gorey moment. 44

Turning to Arioch she requested,"A little help, please?" 45

"Certainly." Arioch was kneeled next to the man's body. He reached down with one taloned hand and ripped his head from his shoulder's in one powerful tug. He handed it to Darlita.46

She held it eye-level with herself. 47

"Now, Love, your attention will always be here. Mother ALWAYS comes first. And how I will cherish your one unblinking eye."48

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A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 24 of 24

  • EphemeralStyle
    January 25, 2008

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    Ooooooooh cool monster thing. Great description. Interesting storyline, great ending...

    Coooooooooooooooooooool.

    Creepy last line, and I liked the bit where the demon helped her... That was funny (Not sure if I should find that funny or not, but there you go) ^^"

    A great horror piece, love the gore (Again, not sure if that's ok)

    Great work!

    Eph


  • caitlinstephanie
    December 8, 2007

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    wow! that was really good!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nice on how you keep me locked in the whole time!!!! keep on writing like this and you will do great!


  • angel.of.mine
    December 8, 2007

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    ... wowee grotty much lol.. it wa sa gud story, good plot, great description. i just have 1 question... if she killed them in the living room or werever they had cake how'd they get to the bed room.. and if they had cake in the bed room... WHY THE HELL WULD U HAVE CAKE IN THE BEDROOM lol... ye it was gud. thanks for enetering and gud luck, ox


  • silent dances
    December 1, 2007

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    that was amazing! Jeez, now I'm afraid to get married, I'm glad my mom Isn't that crazy,. Well, good luck in the contest!


  • ChristineDaae
    November 25, 2007

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    Three words, Oh My God. The description was immense and I think that you were really into the moment of gore. I love it!


  • Anaya Roma
    November 19, 2007

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    you have writer's block??? After reading this, that's very hard for me to believe! Blood curdling; spine chilling. I don't like horror but I know something well done when I see it. The repeated phrase: "I know your secret" could generate many, many stories...

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Forgotten Anomaly
    November 15, 2007
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    The end was desturbing, gorry, amazing! However i found the begining and middle a bit slow. In the middle about paragrapps 20-25 you get a little repative and 'wordy' but pull it together as you move along. Overall an excelent story even if it was a tad bit slow.


  • BluRobyn
    November 15, 2007

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    Wow, that was really creepy! I don't normally read stories like this, but i must admit it was good. Cleverly wrote, very scary though. Brilliant!


  • Infectious Insanity
    November 12, 2007
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    this is really cool i enjoyed it good luck!


  • Dreams of Insanity
    November 10, 2007
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    Wow talk about sick and twisted! It sent chills running up and down my spine! Great job!


  • EtherealButterfly
    November 7, 2007

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    Wow...that's sick...but in a really good way. Your description is wonderful...you really held my attention. Good job!


  • Olinda
    November 5, 2007

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    magnificent description, very strange, pretty scary, but......


    wonderful. You did a breathless job, Bravo!!


  • Felissa
    November 4, 2007

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    Utterly strange. I can practically taste the shadow in every word. The story is perfectly crafted, like a spiral staircase climbing up to the climax. I can't find anything bad to say. Excellent work.

  • EnemyOfAll
    November 1, 2007
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    This was good, if not just a little bit twisted, you did a good job with the detail, good luck in the contest.


  • Natalie-
    October 27, 2007

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    This was good in detail, I was glad you mentioned a boyfriend and made it seem that her son was of age. The way you described the devil/man/creature creeped me out, I wasn`t expecting that ending either.


  • sheatethewholeworld
    October 25, 2007

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    my, my, my, this is more fucked up than the first one and i like it! the imagery is beautiful and the twist nicely incorperated. thanks for entering.


  • Kokaze
    October 18, 2007
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    Oh, icky! Icky, icky, icky! *hides* And scary.


  • The Wall
    October 17, 2007

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    Ohh man, that was a wee bit creepy! You built it up to an incredible climax. Very Creative and well written. Very good job.

  • TuesdaysChild
    October 12, 2007
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    Oh, nicely creepy. You built up the suspence quite well and though i thought the killing of the husband was a little cliche you made up for it by taking out his eyeball *shivers deliciously*


    • hllykat
      October 16, 2007
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      oops!!

      I hope this is alright. I was revising my story just now, but didn't realize it would replace it here in the contest too. I apologize for that.

      • TuesdaysChild
        October 19, 2007
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        I've read the revised version and if anything it's even more creepy. Psycho mommy, I love.

  • sheatethewholeworld
    October 5, 2007
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    ohhh very creepy indeed. well written too - nice suspenful build up and a good twist at the end. thanks for your entry!

  • Jinxgirl
    October 3, 2007

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    nice... a good blend of slight gore with psychological lead up. this is the kind of twist i was looking for. thanks for entering!

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