Unpardonable Sin—2
Note: the opening here is repeated to prevent chapter lag. The year is still 1979 and Devlin is at O’Neill's party. Description of the premises was handled in the first section.—I hope
Chapter one continued:
"Connors, the closest the bastard has come near me since Mark Storm started this union shit!"
"Can't blame him. You're not exactly the pride of the Democratic Party right now."
"Yeah… just you play low key around me. Give the asshole the idea you're not too fond of The O'Neill. I'm about to move you in on Johnny Boy." O'Neill had kept his voice low, now it rose noticeably. "Andrea! Love!" he bellowed. He hurried toward the woman coming through the main alcove into the ballroom.
Devlin, following more leisurely, had still caught O'Neill's last muttered word. "Bitch."
Women came and went in Michael O'Neill's life but this attractive black lady Devlin didn't recognize. A cream color gown set off the rich caramel shade of her skin. With a tight bodice ending at the waist, the fabric cascaded in soft folds to swirl around her slender hips. As he moved closer, she smiled at him with narrow purple lips set beneath a long patrician nose. Worn high swept and laced with silver frosting, her hair was smooth and chocolate brown. Her eyes flashed with the roving strobe lights and Devlin saw the smile as an established fixture she awarded everyone. She laughed as if on cue to a remark made to her.
O'Neill's outsized paw captured her elbow. His lips brushed her cheek. "Been ages," he said. "Hear you just got in. Have a good flight?" Not allowing for her answer he yelled, "Connors!" And motioned to John Connors.
Devlin had no difficulty placing John Connors. The eldest and prized son of the politically active family had a face that showed up regularly. His wide gleaming smile was captured on the front pages of tabloids as well as legitimate newspapers. His muscular body, topped with a slightly thickened neck, moved upward to a square jawed face that radiated his sex to the point women found him striking. Connors, not surprisingly, also possessed a strong masculine appeal. His handsomeness, which should have fostered jealousy, instead advertised a confidence that men saw as trustworthy.
John Connors eased out of his present conversation. He sported his white trademark beam as he moved to join O’Neill’s forming group.
"John," O'Neill said. "You know Andrea? Tom." He waved Devlin closer. "Come join my admirers. You three can start up a lynch O'Neill movement."
"Mike . . .”
Devlin watched a tightness appear only for an instant at the corners of Connors' mouth then quickly smooth out.
"Forget it John. A sorry joke. This egghead." O'Neill slapped at Devlin's back. "Is Mark Storm's new Wonder Boy. Thomas Devlin meet John Connors. Oh, and of course, Andrea Nelson."
As Devlin accepted Connors offered hand, he noticed how Andrea looked daggers at O’Neill. The lady was clearly pissed off about something. Devlin wondered what as their host tossed a, "Get acquainted," and rushed off to welcome newly arriving guests.
"John, I'm . . ." Andrea Nelson halted as if warned by the sharp lift of John Connors' chin. Instead she turned her attention with its developing smile on Thomas Devlin. "This is a mix-matched group if I ever saw one,” she said. “Where do you fit in?"
Devlin shrugged. "Didn't know it was required. I'm not much of anybody." Devlin felt like a specimen under a microscope.
Connors openly studied him. There was curiosity blended with a slight annoyance in the man’s face. Still, he maintained a friendly tone as he said, "Mike doesn't usually invite without a reason."
Devlin gave a soft laugh. "I must be the mistake that happened by." He spread a quick glance around the room to give the impression he wondered himself. "I'm a real small cog in Storm's office. A Paperboy." He broadened his mischievous grin. "That's what O'Neill calls me on his better days. With a lady present I can’t repeat what he calls me on a bad day."
Connors motioned over a waiter circulating with a tray of drinks. His steady glance shifted from Andrea who nodded, yes, to rest again on Devlin. If confronted by that look from O’Neill, Devlin thought, he would have gulped. Figured he was about to forfeit his ass or another part of his anatomy. The intimidation ploy lacked the same strength in John Connors. The stare shifted as Devlin held it.
"Stay with this." Devlin indicated by raising his nearly full glass.
Connors removed two drinks from the waiter’s sliver tray. He handed a goblet to Andrea and claimed one himself.
"Sink The O'Neill." Andrea laughed softly as she offered the toast before she took a swallow of champagne. Both men followed her lead. But Devin knew that neither actually drank to her toast.
For several years Devlin had been privy to the bulk of Michael O'Neill's dealings. He knew the Connors staked too much on O'Neill's power for one to wish him misfortune. Still very young, Devlin had his own dreams. Here he stood drinking with the prominent John Connors, and it was Emanon O'Neill's brother who put the glass in his hand.
Unexpectedly he felt the warmth of Andrea's touch on that hand. Her face proclaimed interest as she asked, "An attorney?"
"Ink's about dry." Devlin returned her smile though he had no desire to further the relationship. Another female screwing up his life was not on his agenda.
In a list
can you understand what's happening here. Is it too obvious?
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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I felt that this part was more cohesive than the last. It focused on the characters more and so I felt that I could get a better feel for them. I understand that for the conveinience of the reader it has to be spilt up into smaller sections (and it certainly makes it less intimidating to read) but I think that if it was set out as one long chapter it would be much easier to grasp the story line. It was a good read though.
X Amber X -
Difficult
It's still difficult for me to grasp it all and hang all the pieces together. There's a lot of information about the characters, but so far there doesn't seem a lot of development to the plot. I'll try to read the next part later on today.
Oh by the way, your writing is good; but I feel it may be on a higher level than I am used to.
Andy
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(Oh by the way, your writing is good; but I feel it may be on a higher level than I am used to.) That sounds scary--very big grin.
I was taught that a good modern novel, is writen with a middle school dialogue and hopefully a high school grad can understand it--lol.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Geri
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Spooky!
I'm a college grad, but I haven't been reading longer works lately
I am going to try to keep up with this one.
Andy
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Previously commented
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Oooh... I like this one. The language was superb, and the imagery was fantastic.
It's captavating, and I love the way you mixed all the separate agendas together. It leaves me wondering, what will happen next.
lol. I don't think anything was too obvious, though I haven't read the first part, so that may be why. lol.
I loved it. It was a great read. Good job!
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Thankye, thankye...you made it a fine night.
I really appriciate your reading and the great comments. I often worry with so many characters in the story, people will lose track, it feels grand when they don't complaim at all--smile.
Geri
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This is a nice continuation.
It has an easy flow and between the dialog and the descriptions of the people speaking it keeps your interest throughout.
The references to brief subtle facial expressions gives the impression that there is more going on than meets the eye. But then isn't that how it is in political intrigue? hehe
I found this interesting in that it gives a bit closer look at some of the people who apparently will be main players as the story continues.
Token has covered the few things I noticed and overall I think is well done.
I look forward to seeing how this plays out.
Greg -
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Greg,
Thanks for the great comments. You seem to 'See' just what I hoped for in the text.
I've been working on the story for loooog time. It such a relief when people read and don't ask a ton of questions. YES! I may have it right now--smile.
Geri
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I really don't have a lot to say about this chapter. It's chock-full of witty dialogue, making it flow smoothly.
I think I kind of lost track of who everyone was in this piece, but since it's a continuation of Part I that's easily fixed. When the two portions are merged, it won't be a problem.
Again, there's plenty of intrigue here, and I'll be interested to see where this goes!
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I know it can be weird reading a chapter this way. So I really appreciate the time and effort you put into it before commenting.
This opening is a heavy weight, I think about 4000 or better words, and I felt it would be easier to attract readers if I cut it up into smaller segments.
I’m certainly thrilled to hear you enjoyed the dialogue, since I write mostly in dialogue and action scenes.
There are a couple more sections to the first chapter, I plan to have up this week.
I do hope you will keep reading.
Geri
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Conners, the closest... the whole sentence feels like something is missing.
Watch unnecessarily using "had" sometimes the sentence is stronger without it.
O'Neill had kept his voice low,
try
O'Neill kept his voice low,
You're missing comma's in places
Women came and went in Michael O'Neill's life but this attractive black lady Devlin didn't recognize
this one needs a comma after life since the subject's chang. Rewarded 8
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I hate hitting enter at the wrong time so I'll continue
here...
The dialogue flows well and keeps the readers interested in what's going on. This is a well written chapter, with good pace and flow. Keep up the good work -
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Good morning--twice? "smile"
Thanks for the useful suggestions and finding my goofs.
Since you didn't ask any questions, I gather this draft is coming out right--whew.
Geri
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As I have only read this part I can only comment on this chapter, I think it was nicely written and flowed well.
will look out for more in the future.
. Rewarded 4
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Thanks so much for reading and commenting. I’m glad you enjoyed this part. I can’t remember--- did you read the prologue? or the opening of this chapter?
Geri
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