Oprah's Dragon

1

There was that one Wednesday when my friend called to say she was watching people born to the wrong gender on Oprah and thought of me.2

Really? I’ve always thought my gender was fitting; my skin feels nice and snug, no problems here. I think I’ll keep this model, thanks. 3

No, no. She said. Your gender is ok, but I think you were born the wrong species. 4

Really? Again, I feel rather connected to my own species. More connected to them than to that of, say, a cockroach. I think I’m ok, thanks. Say hi to Oprah for me.5

No, no. Not a roach. A dragon. 6

A what?7

I think you were born a dragon trapped in the body of a woman.8

Oh, please turn off the tv.9

No, I think you should listen. And I can’t turn off the tv because for eight months my body has been carrying around this baby, and he seems about ready to hatch, but right now my ass is stuck to the couch. I think he wants to hatch here.10

Really? Maybe you should call Oprah about that. Much more interesting than ‘Help, I’m a dragon trapped in a woman’s body.’ That seems a little more Springer, don’t you think? Now that I think about it, you may have a point; my breath is a little dragonish in the mornings. Sign me up! Does Oprah pay for guest appearances?11

Oh, yes, very funny. I don’t think I’m in the mood for this. But I’ll press on.12

Please, press on, like your ass pressing into the cushions of your couch. 13

I’m feeling testy and I don’t want to talk about my ass anymore. 14

Well, you did bring that up.15

Of course I did. But we were talking about you.16

No, I think you were talking about me.17

Fine, I was talking about your species switch. 18

Oh, that’s right, let me get this straight. You think I was switched at birth with a mythical creature and I belong in a fairy tale eating virgins.19

Well, yes. But not the virgin part.20

Why is that?21

Well, eating virgins is gross, don’t you think?22

No, I mean yes about the virgins, but no, I was asking why you think I belong in a fairy tale.23

You could belong in this world, but you are a dragon at heart.24

Are you sure you aren’t thinking of Drag Queen? You know, they say pregnancy kills the brain cells.25

They say no such thing!26

I think they do. Who are they, anyway?27

I don’t know. You’re changing the subject again.28

All right, I’m a dragon.29

Don’t sound so irreverent. My ideas usually have merit.30

So, your ideas deserve reverence? I was switched at birth with a winged reptile and you deserve my awe? It’s time for the baby to come.31

Fine, fine. Never mind reverence. Just don’t act indifferent. I’m pregnant after all act like you care. 32

I care.33

I know.34

Dragons.35

Ok, yes, dragons are special aren’t they?36

If you say so.37

I don’t. But other people do. You know, they.38

Ah, back to they are we?39

No we aren’t. But we listen to them and they say dragons are special. And even in fairy tales they are rare and a bit exotic and mostly grumpy.40

Well, maybe grumpy is why they eat virgins.41

Well you, my friend, are a dragon that does not eat virgins. You are a virgitarian. 42

What if I told you I once ate a virgin?43

Please don’t. You are a virgitarian, strictly speaking.44

Yes, all right.45

So, dragons are rare, exotic, and grumpy. They have a hard exterior, you know, their scales are hard, but soft on the inside.46

Yes, and they breath fire and have spiky tales.47

Exactly! 48

I think if I’m a virgitarian it means I only eat virgins. You know, a vegetarian only eats vegetables. I think if I’m off the virgins, then I should be a non virgitarian.49

You do gobble up the innocent, like me for example, and spit their bones out on the floor of your cave.50

Is that anyway to talk about my home? Do I insult your home by calling it a cave? And I would never irreverently spit your bones out; I’d stack them up nice and neat.51

Ha ha. I think I’ll go now. 52

Yes, I’m sure it is time for extreme home makeover or some such nonsense. Maybe you can get some ideas for my cave. 53

Very well. I can see I’m not going to get past your tough hide.54

Well, you have to drive the point of your arrow straight into that one loose scale on my underbelly.55

I’m really not interested in your belly today, I have enough of my own today, thanks. I see you are missing the point.56

But I’m not. I just have to act like I do. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be a dragon, would I?57

I suppose not. But maybe, just once, you could be a dragon who wishes to be human.58

I think you are getting dragons mixed up with Pinocchio. I’m a real boy! Oops, now I am switching genders. 59

I think I have to go make dinner now or order a pizza. I wonder if they’ll deliver straight to the couch.60

I’m sure they will. Someday I’ll get tired of having a dragon’s heart. 61

I hit your underbelly didn’t I? 62

I guess you did. Go order your pizza.63

I think I will. I’ll call you tomorrow during Oprah.64

Fabulous, hopefully she’ll have John Travolta on and you can tell me I must have been an urban cowboy in a former life. 65

No, actually I think it’s all about mocking ungrateful best friends.66

Oh, ha ha, now who’s being funny? 67

Hanging up now. 68

Yes, do. I don’t think I’ll brush my teeth tonight before bed, adds to the dragon breath, you know. 69

The phone is leaving my ear…70

All right, good-bye. Oh, and by the way,71

Yes?72

I love you, too. 73