Catriona Chapter one
Escape
Under the cover of darkness I ran. Ran from my problems, ran from enemy’s ran for my life. My tail had just barley whipped around the corner when I heard guards run by. My yellow eyes glowed in compare to the blackness of my fur. I scanned the hall way, tucking the object under my arm. I headed in the opposite direction, all of a sudden I heard a clatter of boots. In a quick panic I opened the the closest door and dashed into the room. I pressed my ear against the door and heard the guards run by. I turned around to see if I could get out through this room. Then my eyes met a bed and in it was a shape. The shape of a boy the prince! He looked dead to me but I started rummaging through his belongings. I found a dagger; its hilt was decorated with rubies and emeralds. I held it to the moonlight and stared at it in awe. I knew this was worth a lot of gallons. I slide it next to the bust of one the feline gods, which I had stolen out of the palace hall. I turned around and the prince wasn’t there I looked around with caution. Then my eyes met him sitting up in his bed. I slowly shrank into the shadows. He got up and slowly walked around the giant room stopped and stared. Then he yelled. I quickly grab him and shoved him to the ground. I leapt out of the window. Landed in a tree, and ran
A contest entry
- Favorite Chapters wanted! by Surreal Rhapsody.
275 points, ended October 13, 2007, 19 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Options. My origional contest idea...*wink, wink* by Taylor Renee.
200 points, ended October 27, 2007, 11 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Interesting Options by Mel-the-Believer.
100 points, ended December 7, 2007, 7 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Flash Fantasy! by Bitter Irony.
250 points, ended November 24, 2007, 9 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Send Me Your Short Shorts! by whichcraft.
145 points, ended December 3, 2007, 32 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Once Upon A Time... by Bloody-Ink.
375 points, ended January 18, 22 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
-
It isn't bad but I'm not sure who the character is supposed to be. I think it is a cat but what it does is a little unbelievalbe, although this is a fictional piece. There are a few grammatical errors and I couldn't help zone in on those. It's funny how the character saw the shape on the bed and when he looked back, it was gone, but then sitting up in the bed? I'm wondering why the character didn't see him sitting up in the first place? Interesting.
-
I like the action in this piece, but the description etc. could be better organized. Try splitting it into more paragraphs.
Also, as far as the contest goes, please be aware that first chapters are NOT the same as flash fiction.
"enemy’s " Did you mean enemies?
Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck!
~Bitter Irony
-
I would try breaking this up into smaller paragraphs, but you do a good job of grabbing the reader in! Watch out for mixing between past and present tense. Also, you could make your sentences more intriguing by making them start in different ways (most of yours start with "I").
xoxox,
Maureen -
ran from my problems... i likey! i would change compare to comparison, barley is barely. what kind of a cat is this? a cute little innocent baby kitten, or a ferocious leopard? (i kinda like the leopard idea...) these are nice descriptions! great job leigh
♥ sasha &hearts -
This is cool. I really liked this, short, but sweet. Very nice. Thanks bunches for entering. Good luck. God Bless!
-
There was a lot of great description but you should add more about the character. What are her problems she is running from?
Other that that it is really good.
-
Oh my god, the main character is of a differebt speices, isn't she?! I've been waiting for a story with a main character as an animal for such a long long time! I look foward to reading more. Ypur story was awesome, good luck on the contest!
-
I like how you started this, lol, since you already told me about it. But anyway it's really described and I liked how you descibed the dagger also. PERTY AWESOME
-
woot
this is awesome!! I like the "Ran from my problems, ran from enemies, ran for my life. awesome.
Adding your comment:
1 - 9 of 9
