The beating of my heart
echoed through the empty room.
Bounced off the walls,
enclosing me in my tomb.
What I once thought
held such beauty.
Changed almost overnight
as if it's now a duty.
I look upon the face
of the one who was so dear,
within the depths of his eyes
were the shadows of his fear.
I could see just how close he was,
death was staring him in the face.
His last words to me "I'm sorry
that I hurt you, I'm a disgrace."
I had no way to respond
no comfort came from my lips.
He thought that in those few words
all the pain he could eclipse.
That part of my life's over
the dance is said and done.
As I stand here by his grave
all that's in my heart is "run."
Would it have been so hard? I wonder.
To have forgiven him that day.
For now that he is dead and gone,
the pain had not gone away.
I sat here listening to the
echoes through in the empty room.
They bounced off the walls,
enclosing me in my tomb.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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forgiving.... yes, how most of us wish we had done tihs. How lots of us cant.
Now, what would have happenned to this girl if she had forgiven? I must think he must have a good reason to die, and who siad it was suicide? It could by years from that day, and he could have died fro many reasons. Conclusion, conclusion.... -
ok, i know i've already commented on this, but i read it through a second time and it was even better than the first! some stories and poems are just blah blah blah... if you read them again, but not this one! the emotions are so vibrant and extend from the paper (or computer screen) to the reader.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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i LOVED this poem! i dont know what it is today, but im finding heaps of stuff i love! anyways, this really captured my attention and i think it was exceptionally written! good job!
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I thought that this was really well written, Angel No More. I think the flow and wording was really good, too. I think that you have a good talent for writing poems and maybe even stories. (I haven't read any stories of yours yet).
Keep up the great work! I look forward to more of your stories and poems. Never stop writing. Just keep up the brain energy.
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This is great, good flow also!
'They bounced off the walls, enclosing me in my tomb', love it
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EXCELLENT...
Touching, as well. Fine piece.
GA
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This was an excellent poem,
It described the emotions going through the persons mind quite clearly, but it did have a few problems.
The main problem was that the rhyme was stilted in a few places. I mean, it rhymed- but because the syllable things were off, you had to stop while reading it. Try reading the following outside and see if you notice it:
I could see just how close he was,
death was staring him in the face.
His last words to me "I'm sorry
that I hurt you, I'm a disgrace."
When you get to that disgrace part, did you not have to stop?
Anyways, enough criticism, time for the praise.
I sat here listening to the
echoes through in the empty room.
They bounced off the walls,
enclosing me in my tomb.
That. Was an EXCELLENT stanza.
-Ash- -
Ooh. Lovely. Sorry I hadn't gotten to this earlier.. but this is wonderful, love. It tells a great story and theres a huge amount of emotions rolled into it.. its simple, and yet complex.. great!
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UMMMM....wow
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Using the first stanza as the closing one was interesting, if overdone. Nonetheless, it fit the poem. I like poems that have good structure and flow, but it seems that you tried so hard to make it rhyme that some of the sentences are awkward to read.
But, it was very good otherwise (regardless). Keep writing and thank you for sharing. -
Hmm. Quite good.Good use of words. Liked the way you have repeated the first stanza.This poem is so filled with emotions.good job.
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Truly heartfelt...
You obviously have no trouble at all with portraying emotions through words. This poem was extremely vivid and poured with emotion.
Extremely well done. You manage to say so much in such few words. I am glad i took the time to read this.
The only thing i would work on is the flow. Your wording is superb and i do not think it needs any work whatsoever. Just watch out for awkward stanzas.
I loved how you used the same stanza for the first and last parts of the poem. It truly gives the poem that extra 'oomph!', and forces a reader to feel, without succumbing to repetition.
Great job, thank you for asking me to read this.
Practice makes perfect! Keep writing!
Yrs.
Azaradelle.
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Thank you. I will definitely keep working on it and I'll try to fix the flow of it. I appreciate you taking the time to read.
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wow.
this was really good. i liked it so much!
awesome job! -
I really like poems with repeat beginning and ending stanzas...which you have here...so I loved that part. Only thing I saw was this line: as if it's now a duty ...threw off the flow a bit. I think it's the if it's of it...if that makes any sense. Just a bit hard on the tongue. Great job with this though...I could feel the emotion of the piece and it does make me wonder what he did.
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Thank you, I'm not sure how to reword that line and have it keep the meaning. The poem was about a friend's father that well... The least said the better.
I thank you for taking the time to read and make suggestions. I will try to work on that line. If you have any thoughts I would appreciate hearing them. -
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Fill free to find another rhyme there...if you want...that might help. My mind is going blank on this one. If something comes to me I'll let you know though
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