I think it is raining in the hallway, my door rattles and wails like it's holding back a storm.
I know a boy with rain behind his eyes. It pours and pours but never wets his face, which almost makes it seem worse, for being and for not being so.
I know the weather and I know how it plays. I know when to open the door and let it cover me. But he doesn't, he won't ever see
the storm in the hallway.
Author notes
I kind of combined story and poem, I hope you don't mind.
A contest entry
- Hmm... by darkpaintedreams.
350 points, ended October 11, 2007, 35 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
What is it missing, where needs the most work and what to be done?
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Thanks for entering my contest. I like the idea of combining a story and poem so great job on that. I'm not sure about what it is missing or what needs to be done but it would be interesting if you carried on the idea and wrote more on it. My favorite part was "I know a boy with rain behind his eyes. It pours and pours but never wets his face...". Great job on this and good luck in my contest.
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I want to say that I clicked with this and really got that it was deep and meaningful, but I think that it was juuuuussst a little bit far away from that. so close! I can feel how poetic parts of this are ... but the contradiction in the fourth line kind of ruined the moment. It wasn't understood.
I think that this was a wonderful write, but I just didn't click with it... maybe i sound like a total tool talking about clicking with a piece of writing, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who knows what i mean! lol. well done, this was good. -
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Thanks heaps for your comment on the 4th line, I think you have helped me pinpoint my problem, I'm really going to work on that.
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I think it was on the bordeline of reality and fantasy like something was behind,truely hidden .. the emotion was simple and short but yet it captured my attention praise for thei wonderfull peice
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Bordering...nearly there.
Strange, cryptic, haunting. "I know a boy with rain behind his eyes..."
"I know the weather and I know how it plays."
These are very poetic, musical and haunting. I did not understand the conflicting, opposing: "for being and NOT being so..." nor how a "door" can "cover" you, however. (or was that the weather?")You capture something in this that is elusive and unique. I think a little less crypt would help. Why encode this so?
Also lose the word "almost"...why be equivocal or vague? You are supposed to KNOW the weather...and KNOW how it plays!
Open the door! Kate!
GA
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