To reviewers; having read the prologue you know something ‘Bad’ is going to occur in 1984. Chapter one begins the story of the years that led up to that event. To keep the sections manageable (less wordage) for critics, the chapters are also cut.
Thoughts are enclosed in single quotes since the forum won’t accept italic.
Unpardonable Sin
Copyright 2004 by Geraldine Fitzsimmons
All rights reserved to the author
Chapter One
New York, March 1976
It was March 17, one hundred ninety-nine years, three months and counting towards the two hundredth birthday of the Red, White and Blue. Thomas Devlin’s eyes focused on the huge flag. Old Glory waved in full splendor atop the sky-reaching pole brightly lit by ground spotlights and planted on the front lawn of the O’Neill estate. Devlin raised his hand to his forehead and gave her a salute. He pulled up at the end of the queue.
Devlin scanned his features in the rear view mirror as he practiced the stern scowl he'd been working on for years. ‘The Look’ his professors wore it, judges wore it, and even a traffic cop could call it up. But he was a few years shy of thirty, and it didn’t harmonize with the youthfulness of his un-lined face so he ditched it. The breezy grin, which hid the truth from within the spoken word, came naturally. It could remain his companion for a while. He would leave the scowls for his bosses, men like Fitzgerald and Storm. Humorless men who needed to lord it over others to feel powerful.
Winter had relinquished its hold early this year, which felt like a good omen. The new life of spring was evident in the glistening green shades reclaiming the earth. With Nixon a blight on the Republican Party, the final fall of Saigon not a year old, even a wimp astride ‘The Donkey’ could make a run for the Whitehouse. After so many years of an unpopular war, then the rotten stink coming out of the Nixon Whitehouse; Carter had that innocent homeboy appeal the voters were hungry for. They had put the perfect actor on the stage of a conciliatory government attempting to regain its credibility. Devlin smiled. ‘Being a Democrat was looking mighty good.’
‘Tom Devlin's going to make it big in the good old UsofA’. He laughed out loud and savored the determination in the sound. His wiggly worms of nervousness would remain tightly under his control.
"Your debut, lad. Stick a board in your pants if I have to, but you’ll act like a man." Michael O'Neill's badgering of that morning remained fresh in Devlin’s mind. Nothing new. When didn't the son of bitch badger him? O’Neill didn’t need to warn him. Thomas Devlin knew the danger of snuggling with giants; if they rolled over on you they'd crush you.
Michael O'Neill's home stood off in the distance. A checkerboard of dark walls and bright lights, the sprawling structure dominated the landscape.
It had been over six years since the first time Thomas Devlin came here. He could still conjure up a good scare when he thought about that day. O’Neill hadn’t portrayed the warm welcoming daddy, grateful to the man delivering his child, like young Devlin expected. At Kennedy airport, Devlin had felt like a stowaway as the big bloke ushered him into the large rear seat of the automobile. It seemed illogical to think of the Lincoln Continental as a car. To a nineteen-year-old never before out of Ireland, everything appeared gigantic in this city of concrete lawns and sky kissing buildings. The silver auto resembled a bullet plowing through the mass of yellow targets marked taxi that swarmed around it.
O’Neill hardly spoke on the long drive. The chatter of the child Devlin did his best to ignore. He sat alone in the rear seat, wide-eyed and frozen. He was afraid to break an imposed silence.
A wretched outcast, he had followed the giant of a man and the bouncy little girl through the garage doors into the mammoth house. Devlin didn’t know then, what he knew now, that it was disappointment that plagued Michael O’Neill that day. Right up to the last minute when he spotted the impostor, the man had held on to the hope it would be his kid brother getting off that plane. Neither of them had been aware Emanon O’Neill was already dead.
Normally, Thomas Devlin still used that family entrance. It had taken him years before he realized it was a privilege Michael O'Neill bestowed on few people. Tonight was different. Tonight Devlin turned his car over to a valet and entered like the other guests though the gaily decorated arched doors at the front of the mansion.
A warm night for the middle of March in New York, he encountered a crowd spilling out from the main rooms onto the long terrace. There was no escaping the splendor though for every area was adorned with the tricolor motif for the occasion. Fabric banners of green, white and orange were spread across the length of a prominent wall in each room. Shamrocks and Irish bells adorned tables covered by Irish linen tablecloths. Waterford crystal sparkled beneath chandeliers. Ice sculptures, portraying characters from Ireland's past, were awarded their own places of honor in the center of sparkling waterfalls of colorful cocktails.
The desire for a false face left Devlin, replaced by a disgusted frown. This elaborate stage Irish décor didn't remind him of the island he'd fled at nineteen. Like the tearful voice spieling from the speakers, "Glen to glen and down the mountain side..." it was all garnish. Suddenly he remembered how Emanon O’Neill, ridiculed his Yankee brother's yearly Saint Patrick’s Day bash. “Mike goes for the glory. That lad never goes for the cheap.” The frown brightened again into a grin. For an instant Thomas had imagined his boyhood chum Emanon in the middle of all this glamour, unzipping and taking a public pee.
A stranger to most of the guests, Devlin moved through a gauntlet of questioning stares and a few slight acknowledgments, to enter the main banquet rooms. Now and then he used one finger lifted to his forehead to give a salute to a portrait of some dead Irish hero. Michael O'Neill didn't play favorites. A painting of Michael Collins hung beside that of Eamonn deValera, the man rumored to have ordered Collins’ execution.
Devlin stopped between two pillars bedecked in twisted ropes of green streaked with white ivy and waited as Michael O'Neill headed towards him.
O’Neill’s trip, hindered now and then by a boisterous hug, a quick peck on a woman's cheek, a short whispered conversation, took a bit of time and Devlin studied him. Power shouted out with every gesture of Michael O'Neill. His two hundred twenty pounds plus distributed on the bones of an over six-foot three frame allowed for an unfair advantage. O'Neill rarely looked up to another man. The ginger hair, deep blue eyes, and alabaster complexion celebrated a Celtic Lord of legend.
Devlin grinned as his host approached him. "Christ, Mike, you plan on importing the whole bloody island next year?" He finger-combed an unruly strand of hair from his forehead.
O'Neill poked Devlin's chest and did a pretend boxer's shuffle as his answer was accompanied by a rowdy laugh. "Got to play the role on Saint Paddy's Day; once a year the whole country's Irish."
He lifted two glasses from a passing waiter's tray and handed one to Devlin. "Red Breast, bet you never expected to guzzle that in New York?"
"Never tasted it in Ulster."
With a sweeping glance over the crowd, O'Neill said, "The whole damn tribe is gathering."
"For me?" Devlin said recalling O’Neill’s debut promise of that morning.
"Hardly." O'Neill sneered, tipped his glass and drank deeply. Then he motioned with the glass towards the far side of the room and chuckled. "The Connors clan begins to arrive. Damn, that Kate's a looker. Pity she's my cousin. Even Johnny Boy is here."
Devlin's eyes cautiously followed the gesture as he asked, "John Connors?"
"Connors, the closest the bastard has come near me since Mark Storm started this union shit!"
”Can't blame him. You're not exactly the pride of the Democratic Party right now."
"Yeah… just you play low key around me. Give the asshole the idea you're not too fond of The O'Neill. I'm about to move you in on Johnny Boy."
Author notes
What I’m looking for, besides opinions (which I’m always appreciative of) is any unclear passages, improper punctuation and “lordy!” miss-spelled or miss-used words. I’ll return the favor.
In a list
How do you see Devlin and O'Neill?
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Very interesting story so far. I like the info that you provided on the characters and would love to find out more about them which hopefully I can in future chapters
Will be reading on more of this when I get a chance to!
~Joann
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Over all I must say I like your style of writing. However, I felt this moved a little too fast and I was confused as to what was going on. I get that it is saint Patricks day and Im guessing that Devlin and O'Neill are emagrated to the US from Ireland but Im not sure on who they are beyond that. I think the characters need to be built apon a little more.
I liked the begining of this chapter, when Devlin was trying on faces in the mirror before he went in. It would have been useful though if a little bit more background information was givenm about him.
I think that any comments I would make on grammar and fluidity of the writing have already been said so I wont repeat them.
So far so good though, Im gonna keep reading.
X Amber X
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I found it a little confusing.
You introduced a lot of information in an indirect manner. I think actually that this is good to do, but I am unaccustomed to it. It strained my brain. Nothing really seem to happen in the prologue or in chapter one, both seemed to be setting up for things to come. I think I'd have liked something to have occurred. I get impatient
I am used to quicker solutions, I am not much of a novel reader. This probably means that my opinions are not terribly helpful.
Andy
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towards the two hundredth birthday
should be toward
Old Glory waved in full splendor atop the sky-
needs a comma after splendor
Devlin raised his hand to his forehead and gave her a salute. He pulled up at the end of the queue.
if you change the fullstop after salute to "as" it would sound less awkward.
"And" or "but" shouldn't start sentences unless they're in dialogue
Your description is well done and the story flows fluidly. overall it's well expressed. You easily capture the readers attention. I think what is written at the beginning might be better suited for the author notes but otherwise it's still well done. Keep writing.
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Thanks so much for reading and commenting. Your suggestions are good and finding my goofs is much appreciated.
I’m glad you enjoyed this first bit and hope I can entice you to continue reading.
Geri
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‘The Look’ his professors wore it, judges wore it, and even a traffic cop could call it up. ---This sentence seems a bit awkward from the beginning.
He would leave the scowls for his bosses, men like Fitzgerald and Storm. Humorless men who needed to lord it over others to feel powerful. ---The last sentence is a fragment...try combining it with the previous sentence since they go together.
Whitehouse---should be White House. Two words, capitalized.
the son of bitch --- son-of-a-bitch (I love curse words!)
sky kissing -- I wonder if this should be hyphenated...
The chatter of the child Devlin did his best to ignore.---???? What ? Confusing sentence...for me anyway.
the bouncy little girl through the garage doors into the mammoth house.---was the girl riding in the car with Devlin? This is the first mention of the girl...confused on why she shows up without introduction. If she's in the car, Devlin should at least mention her.
Right up to the last minute when he spotted the impostor, ---I'm hoping you'll clear this up later, very mysterious!
OK, as for the chapter...what a difference between the Prologue and Ch.1. I really loved the political intrigue here. The writing seems completely different here. In the prologue, it's almost juvenile (sorry, couldn't think of a better word), of course, that could be by design. We'll see when you post more. I loved this. Interesting characters all around. Plenty of nice imagery and description. Good back story, or just enough to keep us interested. O'Neill sounds like a ruthless man. This is going to get interesting! I'm diggin' it so far...nicely done!
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I'm diggin' it so far...nicely done! (Geri clapping her hands and acting juvenile--grin) I’m kidding but I am very appreciative of the time and effort you put into this. The points you made concern me and I will take them into account when I begin the re-write.
You are a second pair of eyes, spotting what I miss and locating my goofs. YES! Thank you and I promise I will return the favor.
(the bouncy little girl through the garage doors into the mammoth house.---was the girl riding in the car with Devlin? This is the first mention of the girl...confused on why she shows up without introduction. If she's in the car, Devlin should at least mention her.) What you are referring to here is back-story covered by the introduction: It had been over six years since the first time Thomas Devlin came here. He could still conjure up a good scare when he thought about that day. O’Neill hadn’t portrayed the warm welcoming daddy, grateful to the man delivering his child, like young Devlin expected.
And the child’s presence then was re-enforced by: The chatter of the child Devlin did his best to ignore. He sat alone in the rear seat, wide-eyed and frozen. He was afraid to break an imposed silence. But I will definitely keep this comment in mind. I may have to remove the reference to the child altogether if it remains confusing. This isn’t the end of the first chapter, so I’ll leave it for now and see how you feel after the girl enters the story.
I do hope you’ll keep reading and giving your opinion.
Geri
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Good first chapter.
And good mid story placement of prologue instead of being in the beginning. I was thrown off at the beginning of the chapter.
Especially that it should have a historical political, international theme to it.
Ok, so some of these are suggestions and some are just questions for you to look at cause I'm not sure myself. hehe
So here we go:
'The look' his professors...needs a pause there, either '; his' or maybe ': His '
'UsofA' should be 'US of A' or 'USofA'
'felt a stowaway'...'felt like a stowaway'
'The chatter of the child Devlin he did his best to ignore'... sounds like an awkward phrasing but maybe that's just me.
'Devlin didn't know then, what he knew now'...doesn't need comma
'Normally, Thomas still used..'...doesn't need comma
'No escaping the splendor though for every area was adorned with...' ...maybe '..though, for..' ?
'This elaborate stage Irish dcor..' ...elaborately staged...?
'Emanon O'Neil, ridiculed..' no comma?
'deep blue eyes, and alabaster...'...no comma?
'Christ, Mike, you plan..'...no first comma?
'For me" Devlin said recalling O'Neals...' ...'For me?" Devlin asked, recalling..
As I said, some of these need a change and others I was just questioning for another look cause I'm not sure myself.
I like this start. The change of theme between the prologue and the first chapter make me more curious to see just where this is going.
Good start
Greg
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Greg, YES! Just what I needed. Someone to find and call questionable text to my attention. This way I can make corrections or figure out why I did it the way it is.
Like ‘Stage Irish’ I should have done it this way—in my text it’s italicized. It’s a derogatory term used to describe the ridiculous Irish motif. Devlin, born in Northern Ireland, is put off by the nonsense of Leprechauns, clovers and weepy songs.
'UsofA' should be 'US of A' or 'USofA'—now this threw me. How could I have goofed like that and not seen it? Thank you, thank you.
I know how much work this took. You don't have a new post yet in 'Group' so if you have something else you'd like help on just name it.
Geri
I do hope I can entice you to keep reading.
Geri
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