Rain

I just sat there, staring into the pouring rain, wishing that I could be outside. Outside, where the raindrops would soak me in a matter of minutes. Outside, where I could lay in the constant rain, staring at the gloomy, repressing gray sky. Outside, where I could lay on the ground, barely breathing as I put all of my focus on becoming numb.

No, I was stuck inside. Stuck in the quiet, empty house. I had nothing to do but listen to the raindrops tapping against my windowsill monotonously. I kept watch for my parents' car, hoping that it would come later than expected. I could be my true self without them around.

He had hurt me, he had betrayed me. I was lied to without any scruples on his part, and now I just wanted to forget. I wanted my pain to cease, for he had left a hole in my chest right where my heart should be.

It was crazy, but I didn't hate my ex-boyfriend for what he had done. I didn't hate him for lying to me, then leaving me, smashing my heart to minuscule shards as he did so. I had always felt that he had been tricking me, but I had convinced myself that this wasn't true. I had lived in my own lies as well as his - I was a slave to my own fantasies.

All I could feel now was pain. Pain so excruciating, so torturous, that I just wanted to die. I didn't want to feel anymore - I wanted nothingness.

The rain kept falling, as did the tears from my eyes. I felt nothing but hurt and sorrow, but I still thought on it. My mind was flooded and throbbing with my anger and frustration. Oddly, none of this was toward him - but myself. I was a fool to believe his lies. I was nothing but a puppet, whose strings were controlled by both him and my own mind.

As my soul cried out in the pain I had submersed myself in, I wanted an outlet for this inward grief. I considered cutting myself once more - feeling the physical pain was bliss. The color of my blood somehow entranced me, keeping me occupied at the very sight of the crimson.

No, I thought, not again.

My arms and legs had already obtained enough abuse. I had the cuts and scars to show it.

I must do something else, I thought.

Then my thoughts ventured once more to the rain. The freezing, constant rain pouring from the sky. It seemed inviting to me, and a voice in my head told me to accept that invitation. I could feel that rain already - soaking me with its chilling touch, frigidly numbing me. I thought how appropriate it would be - to lay in the rain, staring into the dark, forboding sky which ironically reflected my mood, like a mirror.

I no longer cared about my parents as I scuffed to the door. They would see me laying on the sidewalk, soaked with rain, but I didn't care. I twisted the doorknob and went outside into my own, personal anesthetic.