Stuck In The Past

As a child I remember the only worries on my mind used to be when the next holiday was and the gifts I would receive.

Those worries turned into when my uncle would be over for a social drinking visit with my dad.

Then morphed further into when my parents would be home to yell at me again for doing something wrong.

It's all a blur I barely remember those in between feelings. But on certain dates and random days the feelings and the memories will creep back again and hit me square in the face leaving me gasping for breath and something to hold on to.

The change feels like drowning suddenly in an overwhelming wave of emotions that sweep you away.

Medicine counseling don't seem to work. Suicide cutting those don't work either. The pain and the memories keep lingering.

It's been almost 3 years now.

And I still can't function correctly in this world. I want to heal and move on so I tried the medicine thinking it would help. I went to the counselor once a week. All the meds and talking lead to nothing. Only thoughts the thoughts that I grew up with.

I can't sleep in fear of dreams or nightmares. I can't tell my friends I'm still suffering in fear of rejection. I'm still here hoping for an end but also looking for a beginning.

I am the abused child.

I am the pitied.

I am the hopeless.

I fear people I hate myself I cannot even begin to describe all of my emotions. I wish I could. Maybe the weight would be lifted.

The weight that presses down on my heart and makes it painful to live. But the pain is proof that I live as well.

I used to think listening to other people's problems and helping them would be the best thing for me. I know how they feel and I know how to work through most of the feelings. It also distracted me from my own problems as I focused on others.

Then I disappeared.

I should be dead.

I was almost murdered.

By my Dad.

I came back. But everyone else was gone and moved on. I was more lost than ever.

I wanted to die.

I should have died.

I don't deserve to live.

That was almost 3 years ago. Yet I'm still here living as best I can. But in fear of people and memories of myself.

Eventually my depression turned into anger and hate. I couldn't stand the people around me. my friends who were only there to support me. I hurt them enough that they would want to leave. I kept up at it long enough that I was actually successful with most of them. Only 3 remain... out of numerous.

Vince, Angela, and J

The only people I talk to... But at the same time... I'm still hiding from them as well. I haven't been able to tell them my story. The parts of it I have told are just the incident. i never elaborate and talk about what i was thinking and my feelings at the time.

Worthless, cheap, don't deserve to live, I'm turning into him, what am I doing with my life, why...

I stopped praying long ago haven't really thought to take it up again but even if it was never formal I noticed that I did talk to God or whatever.

As you lay in the brink of consciousness and unconsciousness and the pain is blurring all your senses you tend to talk to yourself or God whoever you want to believe in.

I find that these words are the most potent and secret as to explaining self. Yet I found I forgot most of what was said. Maybe I am not meant to know about the revelations I had.

It is late... 3am... I don't really feel like saying much else at this point... so maybe I will write again soon.

We shall have to see.