Thoughts

I've been thinking of you.  I really don't want to think of you.  Not after what you did.  I have thoughts of killing you if you show your face here again.  I never feel good about it though.  I half way wish I could, so that I could finally get some peace.  Maybe.  But each time I try to kill you in a thought, I am stopped by stupid cops who don't know what you did.  I am always the one in trouble.  Some times I have thoughts of hurting myself instead of you, whenever I am stopped.  But today I had a thought, of a friend begging me not to do it.  So I stopped that too.  But then I had a thought that you were at the park.  There was a cop in front of you that I didn't see.  I got in trouble for "suspicious activity". I tried so hard to explain that you were there.  He didn't believe me.  And then you showed your face again.  You had the nerve to talk to me.  So I grabbed the gun from the cop and held it up to you.  That is when my friend, another cop, came running over to me.  " No please don't do this.  Put the gun down and take it easy." He says.  I just look at him.  And I turn it then on me.  I am so close to pulling the trigger, but I then hear a cry.  Assuming it was some one who knew me, I put the gun down slowly.  But it was not some one who knew me at all.  It was a child who had fallen down.  She saved my life and unfortunately yours too.  But then I had another thought of me being at the house enjoying my friend's visit.  When suddenly you break into the house.  I get the gun I have and knock you out with it.  My friend calls the cops and all they see is me with a gun to your head.  I am shaking, never having used a gun before.  The police are screaming at me to put the gun down.  I demand to see the face behind the mask first.  They pull your mask off and there, your ugly face shows up.  I feel sick and I am shaking without control.  I tell the cops, " Get this gun out of my hand before I figure out how to pull the trigger."  So they do.  Before they can arrest me, I break away and get a knife.  That is when my friend looks up and begs me not to do it.  So I throw it down and thats the end of that one.  But then I had a thought of me being in a restaurant, enjoying my lunch with my aunt.  Until you showed up and started coming towards me.  I grabbed a steak knife and waited for your approach.  You noticed it and stopped.  My aunt noticed it too and began to yell from fear.  I jumped up and made a mad dash towards you.  But I was jumped by good old you know who right?  If you guessed cops then you've been paying attention.  If you guessed Elmo then you are asleep.  Anyway, you see, in all of these thoughts that I have about killing you, I never get away with it and I never feel good about it.  So that should let you know that I can never kill you.  But show up here and the cops will be on you instead of me.  But then again, because of your age, I don't think I have to worry about it so much.  I wish that I could have some peace. But because of you I don't.  These thoughts mean that you should pay a heavy price, but you know what, I think that's exactly what is happening right now.  No one talks to you anymore and they will never again.  You lost your family over one choice that was the worst you could ever make.  So goodbye for ever.  And don't expect me to be at your funeral when you die.1