Enlightened
By Ayesha Raees
Chapter 1: Aslana
It have been a couple of thousand years, Berry had to admit, couple of thousand years since they had been any light… the light of the sun… Nobody had ever thought that they would ever survive but the problem was, they did nothing but survive. It was like the time had just stopped, the people had stopped growing… but it wasn’t possible was it? It was… since the day the curse was cast on Aslana, the city of light, the light had stopped and the once beautiful lighted city was covered with darkness, despair and agony. The city was stuck between living and death, between light and darkness, between cure and illness…
Who would have thought, that a city of angles where people from far away came to get rid of their fears and losses would turn into a city of agony it self? It was a nightmare but there was no waking up… an endless nightmare.
The people had stopped dieing, some even living for over a thousand years, their skin had gone wrinkled and dark… there was scarce amount of birth, less entertainment, people just lived like zombies.
“Unbelievable,” Berry muttered to herself as she rubbed her faded black hair. She was over a hundred years old, but a young child compared to others.
Berry slumped on her bed, staring at the dirty cobwebbed ceiling as her city’s history came into her mind, irritating her, teasing her…
About a couple of thousand years ago, before the great curse of darkness, Aslana twinkled in its beauty and attracted many tourists, it was a special place found by a goddess on her journey, found to spread love and peace in the world. The elders knew the magic of the sacred and generously healed the wounds of the lower people… Aslana was heaven full of heavenly people but that just slipped away…
As every city or empire had to face their downfall and then get burned into nothingness… but that didn’t exactly what happen to Aslana, it faced it downfall but was never burnt out of existence.
The prince of darkness, Zeus, got angry at the success of its rival, the Goddess of light, Yuri. He was angry of the success of the light, of good, so Prince Zeus summoned a spell on Aslana, a terrible spell which involved the city to be covered in darkness and would be blocked from any kind of light, especially its main powerful source, the sun. Before the Goddess of Light, could do anything, Prince Zeus had sealed her in a cocoon made of crystals that can never be broken down.
Since then, the people of Aslana had lived in the darkness, their heart wishing to see some light before they crumble away into nothingness…
Berry rolled from her bed, slipped and landed on the dirty dusty floor with a loud thud, she coughed, slightly before getting up and dusting her already dirty dark clothes which consisted of a black and purple shirt and trouser with a midnight blue cloak around her neck.
“Unbelievable how something so nice could turn into something so dreadful,” Berry muttered to herself as she ran her hand through her long dull black hair and then sighed in annoyance when she heard heavy footsteps on the stairs. Suddenly the door of the room was banged opened and at the doorway stood a smiling dark old lady, who was wearing a black and white apron on her slightly fat waist.
“Honey, aren’t you forgetting something?” the old lady said, smirking slightly, her wrinkled face stretched as the smirk broke into a toothless smile.
Berry sighed.
“What now, mom?” she muttered, bored.
“You promised me to clean up the attic,” the elder woman said, slowly.
Berry groaned.
“I said I will do it on Tuesday,” she muttered.
“Today is Tuesday,”
Berry looked at her mom with her bright green eyes and rubbed the backside of her neck. She grinned sheepishly.
“Oh no I think I said, Saturday…”
“BERRY STUART HARRISON! GET YOUR LAZY ASS FROM HERE AND GO CLEAN THE ATTIC NOW!”
The grin on Berry’s face disappeared as she looked at her mom, blankly before marching past her and towards the dark and dirty attic…
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Author notes
Option no. 1: .Write a story set in the future that takes place in a destroyed city...
Ohk... its not really a destroyed city but its a cursed city... kinda means the same thing in my oppinion... lol
read and review!
A contest entry
- Pay it Forward. by Athena..
260 points, ended September 26, 2007, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Subtle horror by Jinxgirl.
450 points, ended October 13, 2007, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - An Interest in Fantasy by GuitarShank.
225 points, ended October 10, 2007, 23 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Favorite Chapters wanted! by Surreal Rhapsody.
275 points, ended October 13, 2007, 19 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Calling All Novelists- I Want First Chapters by artemis the hunter.
260 points, ended December 7, 2007, 44 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Counter Melodious: Impius Sanctus by Oblivion Kitty God.
1175 points, ended November 6, 2007, 6 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I Want to Want More by Kitzwa.
225 points, ended November 25, 2007, 31 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Imagination by MidniteRockers.
370 points, ended December 17, 2008, 75 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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I didn't want to do it. You made me do it!
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hmmmmm......I see. About the story, it doen't fit. Check out the options and submit something that fits.
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I don't see how this fits in. And hey! WHY DID YOU DELETE ME OUT OF YOUR FACEBOOK, I DEMAND, AT LEAST AN EXPLANATION!
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XD
you see... my brother logged onto my account and he said he made some slight changes. :/. So hehehe... sorry!
. He is really an idiot!
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you see... my brother logged onto my account and he said he made some slight changes. :/. So hehehe... sorry!. He is really an idiot!
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The first sentance is oddly written. "a couple of thousand years" would flow better if it were written "a couple of a thousand years" and if it were not repeated in the same sentance.
The whole story lacks flow. It's very choppy and rigid, and there are numerious grammar and spelling errors throughout. It needs a lot of editing.
Also, it fails to address the topic at hand: counter meolodies. It mentions in passing light, but the story does not apply this concept. Thus, it is not a counter melody. THank you for entering, however. With some editing and probably a bit of extending, this story could be great. -
Ok, im using quick comment to comment as i go.
In the first sentence I think you may have meant- it had been a couple of thousand years.
Second paragraph- city of angles or city of angels?
dieing- dying
had gone- had become?
but that didn’t exactly what happen to Aslana, it faced it downfall but was never burnt out of existence.
I love this sentence! The only thing is i would probably change didn't to isn't
This has a few grammar issues but overall is a great idea and could lead on to great things with a bit of work. Thanks for entering my contest! -
I believge I have read this before.^.^ Once agian, it was really good, and I want to read on when I get the chance!
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Very interesting background. I like the fact that it seems as though you put a little effort into the setting as well as its history. I've read a lot of stories on here that neglect to give any detail into the world.
With that being said, I just have to say that there were a LOT of grammatical errors. There were a few parts where it sounded nice and flowed well, but then there are other parts...
"It have been a couple of thousand years, Berry had to admit, couple of thousand years since they had been any light."
This is just the first paragraph and it's riddled with problems. You just need to practice a little more, find your mistakes and figure out how to correct them. Nobody's perfect, but we learn from our mistakes.
"It has to have been a couple of thousand years, Berry admitted, since there had been any light."
This is my rewritten version. I was going on the guess that this first sentence was in Berry's thoughts. It's still not a perfect sentence, but it could work.
This could also work:
"It has to have been a couple of thousand years since there had been any light, Berry mused."
If you use that sentence in your story, don't do what several others have done to me and just copy-paste it without any thought. Look at it and see why I changed what I changed. That way, in the future you'll know how to correct your own mistakes.
Good write, and good luck -
first off, this is not horror. second off, this is not the full story. i'm sorry, I didn't say that in the rules, so that was not clear to you, but i will now change it. i want the full story. however this is an interesting beginning which has the potential to turn to horror, if it was finished.
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Awesome story. I'm kinda surprised you didn't enter it in my contest. It's really interseting and matches one of my prompts. Anyway, I will definatly read on. Keep Writing!!!
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very very good, i like how you took zeus's name [i'm a big, ok huge, no fucking huge fan of greek mythology] you should also put the prompt that you left me hanging because you did a great job with that. i do count this as a destroyed city so dont worry about that. its very vivid and great the way it flows gosh i wsh i could choose more than 3 winners, you are a finalist im going to give everyone one more day just incase they want to fix things. on thing i saw though [not counting it against you because i do the same thing alllllllllll the time] but the first few lines and first paragraph had a few errors i think you would like to go look at. good job and good luck.
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