Unpardonable Sin
by Geri Fitzsimmons
Copyright 2004 by Geraldine Fitzsimmons
All rights reserved to the author
The Old Fellow said, “Sure, but I sprinkled a bit of goodness on the sinners, and splashed a bit of evil on the saints so the line between is really very faint.”
Prologue
New York City, March 1984
The watcher grinned but didn’t offer to help.
Malicious humor flickered in the pair of blue eyes observing the performance.
A black woman wrestled a slim blonde figure out of the passenger seat of the low-slung sport’s car. It wasn’t that the kid was fighting. Whoever it was, boy or girl, impossible to distinguish from the stringy hair and torn jeans, hung onto the woman.
The clinging figure appeared to be a large rag doll with its arm draped across the woman’s shoulders and its head flopping against her chest. On the trip from the car to the wall of elevators, their feet became entangled and the woman did a fast shuffle to keep them both from falling.
The spectator continued to wait in the darkened stairwell as the pair stumbled by. So close they came that if the woman lost her hold, the rag doll would have crumbled in front of the open stairwell. This chance discovery didn’t concern the watcher. Had it occurred and allowed the woman to become aware of her audience, a simple laugh would suffice to explain the unexpected presence.
It didn’t happen.
Artificial lighting in the garage revealed a contrast between the skinny blond who clung to the black lady dragging him. On closer scrutiny, it was obvious the rag doll was a boy. Very young, but a boy and would fit in perfectly with the watcher’s plans. The skinny blond wore filthy clothing only a little better than rags. His ankles showed no socks and the dirty worn sneakers were ripped in several places. The stylish cut of the woman’s tailored linen suit almost certainly never held a retail tag and the quality leather pumps on her feet showed no excessive wear.
The woman propped her burden against the wall and shoved her shoulder into his chest apparently to hold him there. She fumbled in her handbag. She pulled out a ring of keys. By the time the woman got the elevator unlocked, the semi-conscious youth had slid down the wall to a sitting position on the floor.
There was a grunted “damn” as she flung her large leather handbag into the elevator. Taking hold of both his wrists she began dragging the boy’s limp body into the lift. Her breaths became audible gasps by the time she managed to pull the boy into the small elevator. She had to step back out to lift his legs and swing him about before the door would close.
A disgusting sight, but a bit humorous and the watcher smiled slightly but still offered no assistance.
The person watching from the shadows of the stairwell in the underground parking garage, considered this lady a cancer--a slow growing malignancy. So for years the watcher had planned for the time when this cancer would require surgery.
The floor indicator above the private elevator signaled its upward movement. The watcher counted each flash until it read nine and then stepped from cover and moved to the small entrance door that led to the street. There was no hurried steps, no rush for the exit, and no concern about encountering security. There was even time enough for a bite of supper.
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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oooh what's going to happen next..this has teased my curiousity
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This is a very interesting beginning to a novel. I can kind of relate to the watcher. I am usually an outside observer also, thinking sometime I'll do something about that.
The only problem I had with it was the use of the pronouns instead of names, or perhaps that is not the problem. In the struggle between two of the characters I lost who was who and who was doing what. It may have been that both characters' actions were written in the same paragraph. I'm used to change of paragraph with change of character.
Write On!
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I have to say that your story kept me glued. There is obviously a reason as to why you didn't mention names and I hope it is elaborated in the second part. I wonder who the watcher is? I can understand why he or she didn't want to take part since it could be dangerous but the person could have called the cops, I guess. It would be interesting to see where you go with this. Nice work.
. Rewarded 8
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I thought this was fairly well written. Having read a couple of the previous comments on this I felt impelled to post my own in your defence. I thought the sense of mystery was captivating. It was a little... disjointed i suppose you could say but I thought that worked well, it keeps the reader on their toes.
I thought that keeping the characters vague and nameless also added to the feeling of malevolance which I assume you were trying to get across. At first I assumed the observer was the 'bad guy' but by the end i wasnt so sure. I dissagree that merly stating someone as a slim blonde indicates a woman, (I myself (a woman) fit that description but so do seven of my cousins who are men, not to mention several friends of mine).
Im off to read more of these. I thought I would start at the begining. I dont usually read crime but I thought Id give it a browse for a change and this has intregued me enough to want to read more. Keep up the good work.
X Amber X
. Rewarded 8
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Never mind what the others said, I like this prologue. I think its very intriguing and it makes me want to read on. (I figured I'd start at the beginning before reading any of the others).
Bookmarking this list.
Brooke
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Brooke nice surprise to have someone go back to the start. Thanks so much for the comments.
Let me warn you now…this is a looooog, very long novel. Don’t let me turn you off though; I would love to have your opinions.
Geri
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And this is only the Prologue?
Geri...
At first, I think what a pleasant, intelligent, sophisticated writing style. Then...BOOM! I think..."what's happening? What's BEGINNING to turn me off here?" And I must convey this to you. It is a PERFECT example which for many of your readers I would bet is kind of elusive and intangible! But here it is: You are ALL over the place! You do not allow your reader to latch on to and get to know any ONE or TWO characters...there COME A VIRTUAL SLEW of them! AND...AND...they are impersonal wraiths...truly unidentifiable in the mind's eye for me. We have:THE BLACK WOMAN...THE SLIM BLONDE...THE KID (not sure if boy or girl)...(I realize the "Kid" is the "slim blonde figure)...THE WOMAN...HER AUDIENCE...THE SPECTATOR...THE RAG DOLL...THE WATCHER...The "UNEXPECTED PRESENCE"...Very confusing! Really! Ask someone you believe and trust. Ask a pro! IT'S CONFUSING...and off-putting. TOO MUCH! OVERKILL! TOO MUCH! And if you say "slim BLONDE up top...you really lead readers to envision a woman! This isn't fair. And it demands too much from the reader. C'mon! Don't get so cryptic...unfair and annoying!
COMPLICATED. Hard to follow! I'm exhausted!
The stuff about the "cancer" didn't seem right. It's from left-field...out of the blue. Didn't seem to fit at all. Smacks of: "Author knows something we don't!" And the "require surgery" isn't the cutest metaphor.
Just my impression. (Almost as involved as your prologue!) -
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Hi Gary, now my cold has turned into the stomach flu. Not nice to kick a fellow when they’re down—sigh.
You know I really appreciate your trying to help me. Still, I hate to see you doing this to yourself. For you to become so agitated is not necessary, I already know our views on writing vastly differ. I’m sorry but I’m going to have to fumble along my way. I do listen and try to use any advice that improves the story.
Thanks, Geri
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Hmmmm....what to say? Cryptic is a good word to describe this. This is so steeped in mystery that it almost seems to lose its effectiveness. It was hard to see the focus in this prologue. There seems to be no real POV here. Even in a prologue there needs to be a POV...I suspect the watcher on the stairwell is meant to have the POV but it doesn't really seem that way to me.
I'd be quite interested in reading the next chapter to see what you do with this.
Nicely done!
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I hadn’t thought much about POV in a prologue—hmm—okay.
Hmmm…cryptic? YES…I can live with that—grin. I hadn’t thought much about POV in a prologue—hmm—okay. Thanks for calling it to my attention.
I appreciate your reading and commenting. This prologue was suggested and chosen from the two thirds of the way through the story—so the readers would realize this was neither a ‘Romance’ nor a ‘Soap’. (I have been accused of writing both--sigh.)
Myself, I’m not much on prologues; I never used one before and this may not survive the cutting, but I did want opinions on it usefulness and clarity. I was looking to attract some crits and as Gary says, “It’s Short.” LOL
Geri
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Well,
I have no idea where this is going. Nothing but questions. An odd introduction. It was short and easy to read. I was a little confused, but I think that is because there is not really a lot of information. I'll try to follow this.
Andy
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Yes! More opinions, I love it.
Good 'morning Andy, Yes! More opinions, I love it.
Trying to be honest here—grin—a prologue was never my forte. I rarely read one and never before wrote one. This was suggested, so that the readers would instantly be aware of the brutality in the story.
So this is actually a scene from better than half way through the book. I am wondering about the POV issue that was just brought up? I'm not a POV purist but I do try to establish one and remain true during a scene.
Then to, you know how desperate I was getting to attract some reviews and as GA suggested, ‘Make it short.’ You have to agree this was short—smile.
Geri
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Great job! You really started this off effectively - I can't wait for you to post what happens next!
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Thanks so much for reading. I hope I have you hooked. Chapter one is in the wings--smile
Geri
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Nice intro
It makes me wonder what the lady is up to, who the person being taken is, and who is the person watching all of this from the shadows.
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Did I miss this? (Geri hitting head).
Did I miss this? (Geri hitting head).
I apologize. I really appreciate your taking time to read my scribbles and commenting on them. You grasped the main issue I presented--the woman is being stalked. We need to learn who the watcher is.
I’m only a couple months old (on this site) smile. Still learning my way around.
Thanks again, Geri
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Nice intro,
It has me wondering who these characters are, especially the watcher. He/she seems to be a major player in the game. Amusing ending as well.
This appears to be an already written story so I'm looking forward to seeing it be played out.
Great job.
Greg -
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You called that right Greg. It is written, all 386 pages now it could use a bit of ‘Wash and Wax’ on this next draft. I’ll keep posting it until you all get bored or it gets published—grin.
He/she wow that’s the only time someone called that on a first read. That’s what I was looking for. Of course you won’t learn the why for a long time.
Thanks for reading and the comments.
Geri
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Hooked
suspensful. You had me from the start. "A slow-growing malignancy." Sounds like someone is about to come to bad end. That the watcher could take time for a meal before doing the dirty deed tells a lot about his state of mind. I've read some of your stuff from another forum so the quality doesn't surprise me. It's excellent. -
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Thanks so much for reading and commenting. You seemed to have followed it 'purr'fectly--very big grin. That is so important to me.
Geri
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Wha?
Another cryptic...perplexing...off-beat...mystifying enigma.
But short!
(ah...how many more chapters of this?)
GA -
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cryptic...perplexing...off-beat...mystifying enigma. But short—lol
I have never been judged on the size of my writing before.
This is, after all, a prologue; I didn’t want to make it too long. Now the completed novel—that’s another story. How’s 386 pages?
Gary thanks so much for reading. I promise I’m going to post this in very small sections—Of course that means chapter one could last a month--smile.
Geri
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