Titanicum Colombicuss (or One Of The Worst Stories I've Ever Written)

It never mattered before I saw her, nothing mattered at all.
She was standing there, so beautiful out on the deck, but with that awful Leonardo guy wrapped around her.
It was just wrong, it was like seeing a hairless-dog dry humping a majestic cat.
I knew I had to do something about it, no matter the cost.1

Seconds later, I was on the phone with my dear friend Vince.
Vince dealt with everything, no questions asked towards him or the buyer.
I needed 68 deep-freezers and enough tap-water to fill them all.
Vince was on the case, and assured me I would have them by noon.2

* ONLY HOURS LATER3

Only hours later, I was in my cabin with 68 deep-freezers, Vince and alot of tap water.
Vince had, as I mentioned, a policy of no questions, but since we were friends and since he was obviously curious, I told him about my cunning plan.4

"I am going to arrange an accident where I drop 68 deep-freezers onto Leonardo" I said, proud of the cunning plan.5

"But what about the water?" Vince asked me, seemingly very intruiged by my genious plan.6

"In case the freezers doesn't finish him, I'm gonna drown him" I answered, prouder than ever.7

"But why don't you just push him over the railing? This IS a cruise-ship after all" Vince said.8

"Wait, I have an even better plan" I said as I thought of the perfect way to get rid of the Leonardo guy.
"I'm gonna freeze all the water, creating an iceberg, and then I'm gonna drop it in the sea and let the boat hit it!" I smiled to myself.
"When it sinks, we will take off with our chopper, and Leonardo will surely drown" I said.9

"What about the girl?" Vince asked.10

"It stopped being about her a long time ago" I answered, as I rubbed my hands and was about to do my evil-laugh when I sneezed.11

* 4 HOURS LATER12

"There, done" Vince said after dropping the iceberg into the sea.13

I smiled, this was going to be it, Leonardo was going down!14

"Good work, let's pretend we just spotted it" I said, and Vince started shouting that there was an iceberg ahead.
Unfortunately, Vince wasn't really good at throwing, hence the iceberg was closer that we would have hoped.
We didn't get to the helicopter in time, but atleast we got to see a deep-freezer decapitate Leonardo as the ship tipped over.15

However, Vince and I plus a small monkey named Whislington managed to escape in one of the deep-freezers.
After 2 days we ate Vince, and after 4 we arrived back ashore, and continued our fairly normal lives.16

The End

Author notes

The moral in this awfully written story (actually took me no more than 4 minutes to write) is that you must look out for hungry monkeys in floating freezers.

Edit (25.03.08): For the worst story contest, I'm entering this because it's a text I wrote very very fast and it basically has no plot or anything worthy of a mention anywhere. And, I actually named it 'Titanicum Colombicuss (or One Of The Worst Stories I've Ever Written)' back when I wrote it, so that's not a new edition =p Enjoy =)

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Comments


  • DoozerDan silver member
    April 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hehehehehe.

    Tis pretty bad, but it ain't as bad as some of the stories I've got to judge.

    Good luck anyway!

  • Brent
    September 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    I love how

    pretty much every entry so far has had Leonardo DiCaprio in it. He's just so fun to kill! This story probably would have worked for my "Kill a Celebrity!" contest too. Your character really despised him (possibly more than I do).
    You've got some funny stuff here: mindless revenge, 68 deep freezers, and a monkey named Whislington (love the name) for starters. In fact, I think Whislington deserves his own spinoff series. I'd have liked to see more of him earlier.
    There were a few grammar errors, so you might want to proofread this when you get a chance. Your first sentence is confusing, maybe your intent is to say that after you saw her, nothing else mattered? Also, you have "*ONLY HOURS LATER" followed by "Only hours later".
    Anyway, not bad! (No, no, that's a terrible compliment, it was good!) Especially if you did it in 4 minutes haha. I think it would be worth fleshing it out a little. Keep writing!