Letter to Louise (Part 8 of a series)

Dear Louise,

So it’s finally over.  I’ve left you. I always did wonder when it would occur. It’s been on my mind for a while. Do I regret leaving you? Maybe.

I got too fixated on romantic cliches. I wanted the perfect woman. I have to realise that things don’t work like that. I don’t need to find my wife. Not at frigging 17. That doesn’t mean the teenage love games don’t hurt though. They do. But, the point is, maybe I have to be less picky. And not expect my princess to turn up quite yet.

So, now lets apply these reduced standards to you Louise. Do you still pass? No. You don’t. You were an ice queen. Well, were you? Maybe I’m being too harsh. No, I don’t think so. None of the other girls I know were that cold. You were thawing over time though. Maybe if I had waited, the ice would have melted. Maybe I should have waited then? No, the emotional toll of being with an ice queen is too high. Then again, maybe I’ve under estimated the emotional toll of being single? I have, haven’t I? Thing is, I’ll never know if you would have changed or not. I’ll never know now.

Maybe I did make a mistake. Maybe. But, even if I did, I’ve learnt an important lesson-not to expect perfection. From girlfriends. From friends. I looked around at my friends the night we broke up. I realised they aren’t so bad after all. Sure, I’m probably not going to see much of them after I leave high school. They aren’t people I can call up at 4 in the morning to moan about you. However, I have to stop looking for that. If it’s meant to turn up, it will. After all, if a friendship is only standing cause I’m holding it up, when I need to lean on it, it’s going to fall. And that lesson, learning not to expect perfection, is worth losing you. Afer all, we would not have gotten married.

And, I had to leave you. If I could have made the decision not to, I would have made the decision not to.

I do miss you though. You are one of the coolest girls I’ve ever met. I really do think, that if we ad met under different circumstances, we could have become firm friends. I would have liked that. But, we threw it away. For what? 4 months of teenage angst. That sucks. That really does suck. But, that’s the way the game of life is played. But, think of the lessons I’ve learnt. Sometimes the lesson learnt from a mistake, does more good than the correct decision ever could have. But what I miss out on by learning those lessons now, and not later? I’ll never know. What it truly comes down to, is you can’t second guess yourself. You made a decision based on who you were at the time. Changing that decision would involve changing you. Into what, who knows? If you could have made any other decision, then you would have. But, that must not be an excuse for acting on impulse, for acting on the first thought that pops into your head.

Ok, so I fucked up. I want her back. Because I think she would have changed over time. But, then again, no, I don’t. She might not have changed over time. I think she knew break up time was approaching anyway. From here on in, there’s no second guessing myself. I’ve analysed Louise enough, more analysing isn’t going to tell me what could have been. Time to look forward. And while I’m waiting for my Princess (future bride) to come out of my tower, I’ll have fun. Waiting is so boring. But, she better not take too long.

itsjustme